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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 26/01/2019 11:07

How did it go? Total mind fuck?

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 11:39

Just same old same old really.

He was silent and distant.

He brought up a load of theories he has about me being depressed after ds2 was born.

When talking about my birthday weekend, he just said he was tired and sore and sick and that I have a problem with him when he is sick.

The therapist asked him if he was aware of withdrawing from me over that weekend he was non committal.

We haven't really spoken since.

We have another appointment for in a couple of weeks and we both have individual appointments set up for the coming week.

I guess I need to get over the idea that there will be done some big SIGN which definitely and definitively tells me it's time to walk and get brave enough to admit this is not working and never will.

H's point of view (to the therapist) was that things were not that bad, but that if I really couldn't take it anymore, it would be best to split.

I made it clear I was absolutely at the end of my tether and that I was coming to the session without any hope really.

I also pointed out the punishing and the unhealthy relationship cycle we are in.

OP posts:

explodingkitten · 26/01/2019 11:57

I guess I need to get over the idea that there will be done some big SIGN which definitely and definitively tells me it's time to walk and get brave enough to admit this is not working and never will.

It is really difficult to walk away from a marriage. I think that only in hindsight people can point at the time line and say: I should have left there and then.

Please keep your boundaries, I kept pushing mine to accomodate him (previous relationship, not married) and I regret that the most.

I don't post much on this thread but you are in my mind and I check it every day. I hope that you will find your happiness again in the future.

TowelNumber42 · 26/01/2019 12:21

Your post is almost funny. How big a sign you are after?

He just made a massive banner and waved it around in public. Sounds like you looked on with your eyes closed, sunglasses on and maybe a scarf tied round your head as you sang la-la-la-not-listening loudly.

H's point of view (to the therapist) was that things were not that bad, but that if I really couldn't take it anymore, it would be best to split.

The banner says: I do not intend to change. It's up to you whether you stay or not.

TowelNumber42 · 26/01/2019 12:28

I suspect you are seeking permission to leave from an external source. Not a sign as such.

Fairenuff · 26/01/2019 12:45

if I really couldn't take it anymore, it would be best to split

This is a test.

He is constantly pushing your boundaries to see what you will accept.

If you stay he will say, 'You see, I was right, it's not that bad' and it will reinforce the idea in his mind that his behaviour is acceptable.

Then what will you do? You can't complain because you've already agreed with him by not leaving.

pointythings · 26/01/2019 12:52

It is that bad. It really is. YOU are at the end of your tether and that is all that matters. He has made is plenty clear that he isn't going to change and that he thinks you're the one who has the problem. Seriously, what more do you need?

I know what it feels like when your partner in life is a dark cloud over everything. My H was exactly like that, though for different reasons. The feeling when you split, when that cloud is no longer there, is amazing. Take it.

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 13:18

This did actually make me laugh!

There was me thinking I went in with my eyes open...

Taking the sunglasses off now and getting back to practicalities which ground me.

Going to call about a house, then talk to DH about the holiday we are supposed to be going on in February.

Will report back later.

OP posts:

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 13:19

And yes, I think I'm asking for permission.

OP posts:

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:26

Please start putting yourself first.

Fairenuff · 26/01/2019 13:31

Well you have my permission if that helps

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 13:32

Unfortunately the house has just disappeared from the ads online, I have messaged the owner to find out what's happened. Pity, I've just driven past it and it looks great and in a perfect position.

Will keep searching.

OP posts:

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:35

What’s stopping you from getting out and having a nicer future?

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 13:38

Fear that I'm wrong and he's right and that it would be a huge mistake that I could never take back.

Oh that and wrecking my DC's lives in the process and taking full responsibility for that.

OP posts:

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 13:39

And possibly fear that I'm letting a website and a book talk me out of my marriage.

But in my heart of hearts I know that is not true.

OP posts:

Cauliflowersqueeze · 26/01/2019 13:39

Well why not say it’s a trial separation and see how you feel in a few months time?
It wouldn’t ruin your kids - if things are as you describe it’s more upsetting for them with the status quo.

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 13:42

I don't think that's fair on them.

I honestly think it would be more damaging to move them out without being able to say it was for good.

I'm seeing my counselor on Monday, I think she can help with my issues around the DC.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 26/01/2019 13:50

I think it's more damaging for the children to stay if I'm being brutally honest.

They will be feeling the same as you - it's not easy to pinpoint exactly what the 'big' problem is but it just doesn't feel right.

You are teaching them to go against their gut instinct which is confusing for children.

(This does not feel ok but mum says it is so it must be)

Far better to say your dad and I have tried very hard to make each other happy but it's not working and we agree we would be happier apart so we are moving to a new house and you will be able to come back and visit dad here.

TowelNumber42 · 26/01/2019 14:07

Imagine you and DH do split. You live in different houses. DC spend 3.5 days a week with you and 3.5 days a week with them.

You say you will be wrecking my DC's lives

Melodramatic much?

How will this wreck their lives? Rather than being mildly inconvenient? Would you say such things to the face of a divorced woman? If not, why not?

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 14:44

Ok, no, I would never say that.

Getting my head straight...

OP posts:

TowelNumber42 · 26/01/2019 15:19

Perhaps your problem with making the change you know you want to make is one of identity. You know your place in the world as a married mother of two but how you would describe yourself during/after the split is not comfortable yet. You perhaps have some subconscious prejudice about single mothers, broken homes and such like hence this wrecking children's lives thing.

I am reminded of women who return to work after maternity who when asked anything about work or motherhood launch into a defensive monologue about their choice. Typically the person asking say, what you do for lunch on work days or where you got those nice work trousers was not judging and has no interest at all in your internal struggles with identity. They see her as working woman not even working mother mostly with no baggage attached. I hope that make sense.

explodingkitten · 26/01/2019 15:59

I think it's telling that you are looking for permission to leave.

Original poster

jamaisjedors · 26/01/2019 16:15

I'm furious with myself for being so cowardly about it but I am holding on to the idea that if I could fast forward to a place where I have left without going through all the trauma of actually having to do it (particularly telling the kids) I would, which means I'm scared of doing it but it's the right thing to do.

OP posts:

explodingkitten · 26/01/2019 16:28

Well, at least it sounds like you already know what you need to do. Realising that is already a step in the right direction. It might be less scary with a thought out plan with a time line. Maybe that plan is something that you can discuss with your therapist.

explodingkitten · 26/01/2019 16:30

Don't forget that kids can react very quickly and intens but most of them get used to a new situation really really quickly.

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