Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

Has your dh EVER been the man you want him to be? I mean completely? Not the bits in between the bad bits, but say to day? Was in in the first few years? If the answer is no, then THIS is who he is!

He’s just told you loud and clear that he thinks the relationship is ok. Not shit, not unsatisfactory, not even a bit crap.

Do you feel safe?
Do you feel loved?
Do you feel wanted?
Do you feel horny now and again
Do you feel ‘happy with your lot’
In regards to your relationship with him

Unless the answer to those is a ‘yes’ then imo life is too bloody short to not feel those things from your or about partner.

You want the final outcome it is just the travel there that's bothering you now. That's a whole other bag of issues. How would you tell the children? What else worries you?

@WhoKnewBeefStew

The answer to list of the questions is no, apart from the sexual attraction.

Towel...

I just generally feel sick right now, anxiety in the pit of my stomach. H is being "hard" and distant and that already created that feeling in me.

I think my deepest fear is that he will tell the kids I am the one leaving and breaking out marriage and that they will never forgive me.

A friend of mine said she never understood how her husband could have sacrificed his relationship with his kids for the OW.

I worry that this will deep down affect our relationship and make them resentful or distant with me.

I think my deepest fear is that he will tell the kids I am the one leaving and breaking out marriage and that they will never forgive me.

You can't control what he says. If he wants to try and punish you by making it difficult for the children he will. If this is his way of stopping you from leaving, are you going to let it work?

Your children will not hate you. They know what the atmosphere is like. They are also walking on eggshells around him. They won't believe his words, they will believe his actions.

You tell them the truth. So what if it's your decision. Yes, own it and tell them that you will be happy and they can still see their dad. Once it's done, they can relax.

Imagine what it will actually be like to be in your new house without him. Imagine how the children can be free to be themselves.

It's far healthier for them to be allowed to express their concerns and feelings over a split than to have to keep them supressed if you stay.

I've worked with children in school and the worse part of separation for most of them is the build up. Once the split happens they generally settle very easily into their new patterns.

Your children have known you their whole lives. They've experienced your nurture. They've experienced his moods. If their dad tells them you are a bad guy, do you seriously believe they will believe it and turn against you?

Again, remember what you are doing. You are not selling them into slavery, making them move to the moon to live in a shack, stopping them from seeing their wider family. You will be moving house to somewhere nearby while their dad lives elsewhere and they'll spend time with each parent separately. Why exactly would that make them hate you for life?

Even if you were splitting up for some insanely selfish reason, why would they turn against you? Unless, unless, do you plan to sell them to the circus as part of the divorce?

When I left, my ex said to our teenage daughter, don’t forget that there are two sides to every story. She replied “Actually Dad, there are three. And all I’ve ever heard is you being horrible to my mum”. Kids know, and yours will too.

lovemenot - that makes me feel quite tearful

Kids know, and yours will too.

this ^

(Oh dear, something in my eye just now, it seems to be leaking)

I do think that it's worth saying here that this is your life OP and as much as posters will advise you and share their knowledge/experience with you, it's ok to go at your own pace. I actually think you are doing ok and you will get there in the end.

Take some time for yourself. Make sure you are eating and resting. Everything will be ok for you in the end. Trust in that.

What Fairenuff said re doing this at your own pace. You and only you will know when the time is right.

It took me 10 years before I finally called it a day but that's a whole different story 

Sending you hugs jamaisjedors 🤗

Thanks. I alternate between feeling it's urgent and then this morning everything is normal and ok and I wonder if I've just made it all up

Which is maybe why it IS urgent because otherwise I will sleepwalk through the next few years and regret it bitterly.

Maybe give yourself that deadline and set restrictions on it, so you are happy to wait but not infinitely.

When you started this thread you just had to get through a holiday. Then it was Christmas. Then it was a NYE party. Now it's a holiday next month. There will always be something. There is no good time to do it, it just has to be done and everything else will fall into place.

What would happen if you told him today you've decided on a separation. Would everything still be 'normal and ok' or would he immediately stop the pretence?

I mean that might be the big sign that you are looking for.

In the end I left my husband when he used the same cloth to clean the sink that he'd used to clean the toilet. He of the extremely critical of others, esp me.

It doesnt have to be something huge. This came after a process where the scales fell from my eyes and I saw who he truly was - that was challenging, I thought I was going mad - and I tried to make things work re couples counselling etc.

That's the thing with the cycle of abuse. In the bad phase you gradually work yourself up to leaving, leaving takes time and effort, the nice phase starts, leaving stops being urgent, you talk yourself into staying, then the bad phase starts again. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Decades can pass.

I believe the people who make a successful break from bad / abusive marriages are those who leave in the nice phase.

It means they've recognised that the whole thing is wrong. Otherwise it is like they still believe the bad phases are some weird random events that are somehow separate to the "real" life.

You see it all the time on this board He's a brilliant husband and father when he's not being a knobend Erm, that mean's he's a knobend not that he's brilliant.

I've been following you Jamais. Power to you

Your H was non committal in counselling and now is being hard and distant Sounds like he's conforming to type in the counselling then.

I can understand why you didn't call it quits at the beginning of this thread and why you are hesitating now. You are desperately hoping that your DH will suddenly realise what he is doing wrong and how much he has to lose. Of course you love him, your marriage isn't all bad and you are giving him the chance to turn it round. Whether he can, will or even wants to is try up to him. How long you'll keep hoping and tolerating is up to you.

Really, honestly, deep down, do you think there is any chance he will change?

at springdaff with the cloth - although it's not really funny, is it?

I had a great conversation today with a good friend who helped clarify a lot of things, particularly that I need to make a decision pretty quickly.

I think she feels I should give the next appointment with the marriage counselor a go, to get peace of mind about the fact that H is not making any effort to change.

I am not sure I feel like giving him that chance, because if he gives me a glimmer of hope I fear it will string me along a bit longer.
I am also not sure if I am prepared to wait around while he works on that, even if he does decide to.

Also I'm not sure he can change at all, or that he has any motivation to. As my counselor said, this is working for him.

At the moment I get the impression H is "humouring me" , waiting for me to get over myself do that life can carry on as before.

I am seeing my counselor tomorrow evening, will report back afterwards.

I distinctly remember the contempt I felt when he did that with the cloth. I felt separated from him - at long last. I didn't want to be on his team.

to get peace of mind about the fact that H is not making any effort to change.

How about making your peace with the idea that he makes just exactly enough effort to keep you in your place? Hard and distant, then throws you a few crumbs to make you doubt yourself. And it has been working for him, here you are waiting for a sign, when what you get is just a cycle that he carefully adjusts to retain his control over you.

My dearest wish for you is that you put yourself and your own needs in the centre, which will of course include your children. That you recognise what he is trying to do with his cycle of nice and nasty and start thinking about what you want for yourself, and your children, rather than through the lens of reality that he has made for you. To have your feelings validated, or just tip toe around him, feeding his need for control, in the different phases of the cycle for ever. Do you really see the good phase as a sign he is getting better or do you really just dread the next nasty phase coming.

Great post earlier on about those who see the cycle clearly and find the strength to leave during the good phase, because they understand it is just a cycle, and not about ... well anything else that we use to excuse his nonsense.

The sooner you find the strength to get yourself out, the easier it will be to see the cycle for what it is, as anyone on the outside can see. Think of the pain of seeing your children recreating that cycle in the own adult lives, whether as abused or abuser, as as that is what they will have learned is normal.

It will hopefully be helpful for you when you have your own councellors opinion today, as they do seem to be 'on your side' and will be interested in the supposed progression your husband made in the joint session.

Would a glimmer of hope string you along now though? Your bullshit-o-meter seems to be nearly fixed.

Remember as well jamais that the anxious/horrible feeling you have just now might be because you have got so used to feeling that it's your fault whenever something is wrong between you and H - not that it actually IS your fault. You have had enough of a repeated situation which is really bad for your own health and wellbeing. You can't fix this all yourself - and he is not willing to meet you halfway, or even a tiny compromise! Instead of talking to you in the past, your H has sulked and manipulated you into trying to fix whatever you think you have done wrong or whatever is upsetting him. So maybe it feels like it's all your fault if you cause a big change to your family, your home, your kids, by deciding to leave - but it's not your fault. The bottom line is he could choose to treat you better. You are not the one 'breaking up' your family and treating people badly - you have analysed it to death and tied yourself in knots trying to work out what is the best thing to do for everyone involved, are you being fair etc. Is he lying awake at night feeling guilty for how he has behaved towards you time and again? Worrying how he will cope if you leave? No. Also, for what it's worth, my parents divorced and I wish they had done it sooner, and I also wish my mother had validated my feelings instead of always trying to be neutral and not influence me. As Towel has so eloquently said, the kids' feelings and experiences are real and it is so helpful to listen, and stand up for them too. That's not the same as turning them against their father or anything like that. I think you're doing amazingly though, and there is no rush - all of this has to feel right to you. It's great you had a helpful talk with a good friend.

@ jamaisjedors Below is a link to a thread by dil about her husband and the trauma of having grown up with a narcissistic father and the mother enabling him. Might be an informative perspective.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3492081-how-to-deal-with-narcissist-abusive-fil?messages=100&pg=1

That thread is about a physically abusive and sexually abusive man. It doesn't have to be that bad before it is acceptable to make it stop. Other bad husbands are worse. Other enabler wives have it worse. Doesn't mean you are blessed.

@TowelNumber42 I know, but I thought it was a good view point from the child of such a relationship (now they are an adult).

It shows the damage done to the child that has followed on into adulthood.

I didn't mean it to be "buck up you don't have it bad" etc, actually the opposite of the cost of supporting the abuser over the needs of the children.