From the article:
^That is the most difficult aspect of being married to a passive aggressive, the feeling that you and you alone are responsible for whether or not the marriage works.
The passive aggressive will also withhold as a form of covert abuse. They can’t express anger so to punish they withhold something they think you want. It may be sex, chores around the house or communication. Whatever it is, if they know you want or need it, they will make sure you don’t get it.^
This article is useful too, and made my jaw drop at some points because of the accuracy :
pairedlife.com/etiquette/Define-Passive-Aggressive-Marriage-and-Relationships
This example made something click in me :
Without prior notice a friend asks your PA spouse if he/she will walk said friend’s dog whilst they go out to the theatre for the evening and your spouse readily agrees with a smile. However, a few weeks later, when you unexpectedly ask your spouse to walk the family dog because you need to visit a sick elderly aunt, your spouse is most unhappy to do this and says that you should make the time to do it yourself before you go or when you come back from visiting.
When we got back from my birthday weekend, we arrived at the station and my tyre was flat. I had been having trouble with it for a while.
H stormed off to sit in the waiting room while I tried to call a taxi (unsuccessfully) in the pouring rain. He also refused to call a friend who might be able to pick us up (she did in the end, he handed over the number and I called her). He refused to help me change the tyre because he was too tired.
This week, on the way to work, my tyre needed air again, so we stop at a garage, and a young guy was having trouble with his flat tyre.
H helped him change it entirely, doing most of the work himself, helped him check the air pressure in the other tyres and all this when he had an appointment at work which he was then late for.
I really doubt myself in situations like this because I see how kind and helpful he can be to other people - so I think there must be something wrong with me that he won't go out of his way to do anything for me.
But the article points out what I've always suspected - there is seething resentment under the surface of "everything is fine", and it's directed at me.