Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

He is just bullying and stonewalling you into staying. He isn't in your happiness or making it work because in the last 2 years all he has changed is putting kisses on the end of texts.

Ignore the emotional blackmail about the DC as living with parents miserably married is awful for them too.

No more discussions about the relationship simply state that his behaviour in the last 2 years were his last chance and he's shown you the future and you don't want it.

So my mantra today is :

It doesn't matter if he doesn't see anything wrong with the relationship.

I am not happy in this relationship and can't live like this.

Therefore it's over.

Funny about "flogging a dead horse" - the phrase came to mind last night !!!

Apologies about "I want to (TOO!!!) much"- cringing seeing it quoted back at me with the typo!!!!

Mantra is spot on!

You’re absolutely right, it doesn’t matter anymore how he feels or what he wants. You have reached a tipping point and the relationship doesn’t work for you.

You are being so strong. Hope today isn’t too stressful.

Your mantra is perfect.

Read back through this thread. I don’t think there’s a SINGLE post that says it’s you and that you need to suck it up and stay together. That’s in, fast approaching, 600 posts.

This guy is a manipulative wankstain who uses every trick in his arsenal to keep you in line. The sulking is clearly no longer working, so he’s moved onto coercion. He doesn’t think that you mean what you say. Fucking hell is he in for a shock!

Stay strong and keep repeating your mantra. You are doing absolutely brilliantly, and you’re a complete inspiration for others who are going through similar

Jam I have read your whole thread. You are doing amazing!

Please don't let him convince you? Stick to your mantra. I like what RandomMess said... he has shown you the future, and YOU DON'T WANT IT. It doesn't matter what other people settle for in their relationships, you won't. End of.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you x

What he thinks and feels does not matter. Even if he were not an abusive gaslighting piece of shit you would still have every right to call time on the relationship. But he is and you now know he will not even accept what he is, much less change anything. So carry on with the plan. He can fuck off and sulk alone.

I'm not convinced that you do love him.

I was the same, thinking l still loved my XH... but now l realise l was actually in love with the memory of the person he was. The person he was when we first got together.... not the person l was now married too.

I have said to friend's many times that the person the OW was dating...and now lives with, is the man l dated 20 years ago...not the man l was eventually married too at the end.

He has just texted me about logistics of picking up kids and finished the text with "I love you"

Too little too late I think although being out of the drama of it all it is easy to weaken.

Have had a lovely day with a friend, told her about it and she also said "emotional abuse". Avoiding going home right now.

Just joining and wanted to say I am so proud of you. Your mantra is great, stick to it.

I split from my sulker/emotional abuser a little over a year ago, so many similarities I'd almost think that you and I (and loads of others on this thread) were married to the same wanker! it has been hard but well worth it. You will wobble but keep going, you are making the right choice and doing a brilliant job.

Stay strong Jamais. This is the script to a letter. So what if he does indeed love you? It doesn't make him any more suited to, or adequate for, your needs. You have seen the light, and it is not in the tunnel with him.

I am so sorry. You sound like the most lovely person, rational and caring. You deserve so much better 💐

Thank you, you are all keeping me going because I'm feeling exhausted and weak right now.

Hang on in there OP. He's been very good at keeping you where he wanted you for a long time. His skills are well honed. They won't disappear over night, he'll just transfer them to his current situation with you.

Did he cry last night ? Was he devastated to realise that he'd made the person he loves not care for him anymore ? Was he upset to think how sad you've been ? Was he full of self doubt, self loathing, desperately needing to understand ?

No, he was twisting and turning to make you doubt yourself, which you did when you came back on this thread. Ultimately you're just a better person than him, stronger, with good qualities and you deserve to live the life you want.

Just read the full thread OP and have to agree you’re doing the right thing. Don’t let him sway you. You’d be back at square one with him only probably worse as he’s see you as weaker.

You’ve done all you can but he just doesn’t see that he’s at fault.

A new year, a new start for you without his manipulative behaviour.

You may be exhausted (understandably) but you’re the complete opposite of weak. I promise you, you are so strong and determined, you’re going to do this. You are going to be so much happier in 2019 than you’ve possibly ever been. Please hold onto that thought

OP I have been reading from the start. As for you update on your talk, I was shuddering, SHUDDERING reading it as you remind me so much of myself. I was in a relationship that went sour and when I would go to break up, I would nearly feel like the reasons I was using sounded even pathetic to me and I was being asked for "examples" and how can you really explain in "examples" when someone has just trampled your self esteem and confidence over such a long time that you just want out.

Ending a text with I love you. Wow, you old romantic, fuck right off.

Well done. We are ALL rooting for you x

And PS, I also "loved" my ex, but when I look back now I think I just loved the potential in him that he never bothered his ass to fulfill.

You are doing really well. Just wanted to show my support!

Wow, he suddenly starts texting I love you, big fucking deal. Unfortunately his version of love isn't good enough, his version of love includes sulking to 'teach you a lesson'. That is not love, nowhere near. You know, and deserve much more than this twat op. You WILL be fine.

Your mantra is perfect.
His text is too little too late - his actions have shouted that he doesn't love you nor does he understand you or cherish you otherwise he would have tried harder to modify or change his behaviors which hurt you. His criticism that you are too sensitive just confirms that he just does what he wants and expects you to go along with that.

I would not get drawn into exhausting circular arguments. You are leaving because you don't I to live with him any more.

@Porridgeprincess sorry you went through something similar and that it has brought back memories.

Thanks to everyone for the support, I can't believe noone has said "stay, work on things" - IRL or online.

No tears or remorse from him. He just turned over and went to sleep!!! And it's not even as if he was particularly tired because we are on holidays and he is lying in til 10 every day.

Haven't really spoken to him yet today, just a text and then a conversation about dinner.

Not sure where to go with this now.

The agency want someone to guarantee me (standard procedure here) for the rent in the house.

Problem is I need someone who earns 3x the rent. I've said I'll get back to them next week, I panicked at first but now think maybe on Monday I can ask a colleague/friend but I don't want to put her in an awkward position.

maybe he is just going to ignore it and carry on. After all, it is only YOUR opinion. He has clearly stated that he has no problem with the relationship and you are wrong.

@jamaisjedors - you are being so strong in the face of his manipulation. I've just picked up from this morning's posts - and your DH's approach seems so like mine.

What you said about it "hurting a little more" each time rings so true. I think it's like being joined by a rope - and each hurt cuts through another thread, until something relatively "minor" cuts you off completely. It's why they can say "one weekend out of 20 years...". It's not.

We talked about DH moving out late on NYE. It was a slightly drunk but unusually frank conversation (in a good way). I thought things had moved on. But he's behaving like the conversation never happened - but like your DH.

It's more gaslighting I reckon...

Hope there's a solution re the house btw. Sure there will be a way. Xx

He really doesn't have any respect for you does he?

You are telling him you want a divorce. He tells you that you are a silly difficult woman and he has nothing in the past at all to apologise for.

You remind him that 2 years ago when you last had enough he agreed to ONE text per week that was not about household logistics which he didn't do. He then insults you further by still not doing it but putting the love you xxx at the end of a logistics text and still getting a good night's sleep.

That's all giving the finger to you right there. He is telling you he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He still refuses to even put in the trivial effort to send one random text when you are threatening divorce and he wants you to not divorce him. He expects you to comply. He is losing no sleep because he doesn't believe you will ever come good on your word.