Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

Carry on as you are for now. Carry on sorting out getting the new place. Carry on being coldish with him. He will continue expecting you to capitulate any day now.

He will likely get cross with you soon. The latest talk was him telling you to stfu and get cuddly again. If you fail to obey his command he will be cross. I bet he feels he has been exceptionally tolerant of your silly woman carry on since your birthday and will soon feel he needs to put his foot down to stop you being troublesome.

This - in spade fulls !

He is also losing no sleep because he gives no fucks whatsoever about how you feel. You telling him how sad you probably feels the way you might feel after reading a random Daily Mail sad face story: the people are ridiculous, you eye roll and give not another thought to them after you click away from the story, certainly no sleep is lost.

and soon he will lose patience at the non sex life. Do you have a spare room you can move into?

The agency want someone to guarantee me (standard procedure here) for the rent in the house.

Ask your Finance or HR department at work if they can do this for you. If you default they can get it back via a salary deduction.

Problem with ending it with someone who doesn’t think there are any problems because they have remained in total control the whole time is, they just don’t hear anything.
It’s just white noise to them.

You could be sitting there and saying I like watching monkeys eating bananas and it has the same kind of impact on them.

It is 100% flogging a dead horse.

OP his attempt at the 'talk' was just to tell you how he was right and you were wrong and life would be fine if only you'd stop going on about things. Ie it's all your fault for making him be like that.

I'm another one who's just found this thread and read it from beginning to end. One thing that really stood out to me was something you barely mentioned in passing - in fact last year was much worse, I had just lost my dad, H went into a sulk and ignored me for the week, I was crying in the bedroom when all the guests arrived at pil's.

You'd just lost your dad and he sulked at you for a week????????????? What an arse. Whenever you think you're making a mistake, that it can be put right, that you're doubting yourself, remember that Christmas. He doesn't care about you, only about how cosy his life is when you shut up and go back in your box.

Keep strong. You ARE doing the right thing.

He really doesn't give a shit, does he? He can't be bothered with emotions. Has anyone ever mentioned psychopathic tendencies? He doesn't quite fit, tho, because he's not even understanding that you're upset or that what you feel is valid. Sociopathic?

As pp said, he wants the status quo to remain and to retain his power and control over you by sulking because he knows it will upset and control you/make you want to do all the running.

Stay strong 💐

He sounds exactly like my ex. The drama, the highs and lows. More and .more lows. Lots of talk but no change of behaviour.
DH NEVER sulks. I think I'd have an allergic reaction if he did. And we don't talk loads about feeling, because there is no need. But when we do, he listens, and hears me.

OP, my H is a big time sulker and always has been. Like you, I used to feel it was something I could fix. He could escalate the most trivial of things into a week long freeze out; if I asked what was wrong it was stupid of me to not know (my fault), if I got annoyed with the sulking, we'd end up rowing (my fault), if I did nothing it just dragged on forever (my fault), if I pointed out the fact that the sulking 3 days later was well out of proportion and much worse than the original thing that had happened then it was because I didn't understand him (my fault).

Never ever his fault. And even though his reasons for making everything 'my fault' were often completely bonkers, the sulking was so extreme and his reasoning so resolute and determined, that I questioned myself; perhaps it was me, no one could be 'that' angry if I wasn't at least partly to blame, perhaps if I just didn't argue or stand up for myself ('become hysterical' as he put it), then it would be better.

The last time this happened, he'd had a huge argument with his teenage son (my step son). He didn't speak to ME for a week.

This is when I realised it was 100% him, not me, and moreover, I cannot protect his children from him as I thought I could.

I'm divorcing him.

Good luck op, I agree that talking to a man like this will get you no where so keep hold of that Mantra, and have some stock neutral phrases up your sleeve like you don't feel the same anymore and you want to divorce, things that are about you so he can't twist then and tell you they aren't true.

Also, forgive me if this has already been mentioned, but I would recommend doing the freedom programme online (or in person if there is one near you). I did the online version and recognised so many more abusive traits that I'd not even consciously acknowledged previously. Thinking of you

Keep going OP, you can do it

Just to say I really admire you

There are so many things you mention that is exactly like me DH
-the sulks

• he’s whistling (mine gums a tune) while you are deeply upset and unable to sleep

-I am overemotional / over analyse should just get on with it and be happy

• it’s always my fault

I agree with other posters there is absolutely no point in trying to discuss and work things through . It’s pointless.
I have got off the rollercoaster but am still married although we live virtually separate lives . (My DH is almost certainly On the spectrum)

I really admire you . It’s hard . I set the train in motion 10 years ago to get out and I bottled it . I wavered and believed all the lines your DH said to you . It doesn’t change . It gets worse. It would have been better for me if I had got out.

You are not going insane . You are not needy / over analysing . Your reality gets warped when you are in the marriage. You are right .
I wish you all the best

So he's tried to persuade you to stay and accept that the only thing wrong with the relationship is you.

Entirely predictable.

It sounds like his reasoning goes: he's happy in the relationship, therefore the relationship must be fine. If you're unhappy, that's your problem and yours alone.

He doesn't understand that you've spent 2 years trying to find a way to make the relationship ok without his help, but it's his behaviour that's making you unhappy. And he's the only one who can change that.

It's very clear that if you stay, he's not going to change.

If you are down to the point of negotiating over a text message, there is no relationship.

Just read the thread, and I'm open-mouthed with admiration. All the best, OP

Hope that you are alright.

Hope all is going well OP.

Definitely try asking colleague to be your rent guarantor if HR won't do it. You need to get out for your own wellbeing and a decent caring person would be happy to help out in that way.

Has he succeeded in persuading you to try again OP?

Hi all,
Have been hesitant to post as @fairenuff has guessed what has happened.

I feel bad about all the people saying I'm so wonderful and brave - but actually you lot really have made me feel wonderful and brave and I'm not afraid anymore at all, which is an amazing feeling.

To explain what is going on, we had another "talk" over the weekend.

At first H was still maintaining the same position of it being a shame to throw away a marriage over one weekend.

I re-explained things and also how hurt I was by how little time he has made for the family and me in particular over the last few years as things at work have stepped up for him (and me!).

And suddenly he apologised and said he hadn't realised how hard it had been for me.

He admitted he had been wrong and needed to do some work on himself and suggested seeing a psychologist.

He also suggested marriage counseling and blocking off time for us as a couple every week and month.

He also asked me to tell him if there were other things he needed to know or do and I added a couple of things that weren't working for me and which need addressing.

He admitted that in the last 2 years he has been coming to terms with the (serious) health diagnosis he got back then and has not been available to do anything else and apologised for that.

He asked me if we could give it 6 months until July to try to work things out and I said I would think about it, but that things would not click back into place just like that because I was very hurt and that I may never feel the same way again. He has accepted that.

He also came up with some suggestions of his own to help us stay closer and avoid misunderstandings (or sulks).

I reserved judgement but the next day he checked again about what he needed to do and started making a list and being generally very caring.

He has now contacted a psychologist and agreed to set up appointments for the next six months.

We also sat down and planned out a slot each week to spend time together at home and a slot to go out together once a month. It's all in our (shared) online planner.

Despite this I have been on my guard, I know full well we are totally "on script" here once he realised I was serious about leaving (I have not mentioned the house/lawyer/bank account yet).

I was able to see my counsellor this morning and talk it through with her.

She suggested going for the marriage counselling asap (I had wanted to wait til H had done some work on himself) because she said that if we are giving it six months, how things go in the counselling will give me a good indication of whether I should stay or not.

I will continue to see her, and H will see a different psychologist.

That's how things are at the moment.

Again, thank you to everyone for the HUGE amount of support - I know that some (all?) will be disappointed in this outcome, but this is what is happening for the moment.

And even though H has asked me to give it six months, and I have agreed on principal (and said to him) that if things don't work out then, it will be a "good" time to sort out moving out and settling the kids before term starts again in September.

Also in my head this is not "legally binding" and if there is the slightest hint of any sulking that will be it for me. My "escape" plan is already in place and it will be so much easier to walk, knowing I have real life and online support and knowing exactly what I need to do (I am keeping my notebook with all my information in it).

to all the brilliant people here who have kept me sane and believing in myself - I truly think I am a stronger person because of it.

Blimey OP you haven't disappointed us or let us down. You have done an incredibly brave thing, sticking to your guns with your H. And he is finally listening to you.

Time will tell if it's enough to save your marriage, but don't be put off posting about how things are going because you think people will be let down you didn't LTB.