Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

To be honest all of the above arguments we have had a million times before.

I said that the problem was that this time is different, I feel like we are on a rollercoaster and that there are brilliant times but then each time we plunge down it hurts me a little more and that the accumulation of that hurt is too much now and I want it to end.

I also pointed out that even if the arguments or silences don't affect him much they affect me deeply (for example after we had talked about my birthday weekend in December, he went off whistling whereas I couldn't sleep and was very upset for several weeks).

I also pointed out that at no point did he apologise for his behaviour over the weekend and that the least he could have done was reach out to me when I had said I was grieving and feeling alone.

Also I pointed out that we were not at all "a team" in this relationship and that little things set us off when in fact we could be turning to each other (this in reply to there being no real problem in our relationship and everything being normal).

For example when we got back from the weekend away, my tyre was flat, and he stormed off to the waiting room and left me to do it, refusing even to call one of his friends who lived nearby.

For me in that situation we also could have laughed about it being an annoying end to the weekend and thought together how best to fix the problem.

There was one point where he was quite tender with me, stroking my wrist (I wouldn't let him get any closer).

I told him several times that I am tired of all of this and can't fight for our relationship anymore, something is broken.

But then he finished by saying, well "good night".

So I said, that's it, it's over, good night?

He said, well we'll have a talk tomorrow about how we can make things better for you.

I said, I don't think you have understood, I can't do that anymore, we need to talk about practicalities and tomorrow I'm out til mid-afternoon.

He went to sleep.

Wow he doesn't seem to realIe you are serious and want to call it a day. You

Need to stay firm with him today.

Forgot to say that he also asked me what my psychologist had to say about everything.

I said it was none of his business but that I had been to see her right from the start to work on staying in this relationship because I had made a commitment to do so and that we had spent every session talking about him and how to interpret his silences or his way of acting with me (all true).

I didn't say that she had said his behaviour over the weekend was unacceptable, because he has already said he thinks I'm easily influenced and I was sure he would use that against me.

Here he said again that this was proof that I was too focused on my own point of view and would never be able to see his point of view (meaning if I haven't managed after 2 years, I never will and am inherently self-centred and always a victim and never accept my own responsibility in things).

I called him out on some of his past behaviour asking why he had made no effort to get closer to me or to change over the last 2 years.

For example at the couple's weekend, we could do one "ask" of our partner, something easy, with a time-scale of a month.

I asked him to "beef up" his text messages a bit more or at least put kisses at the end, and to send ONE text per week that was not about household logistics (ie how was your day? are you ok? thinking of you?). He agreed to do the first, and now adds xxx to his messages when he remembers, but said the 2nd was too hard.

When I asked him why he couldn't make that effort, he said he doesn't like phones or texting. I said I would be happy with an email (he spends 90% of his day behind a computer). Nothing.

I also talked about the "big effort" he had made for my birthday weekend and that years ago he really HAD make "big efforts" to support me and that I didn't think this was a huge effort and showed also where his priorities were.

Apparantly he was tired because of work and also because I had been away/busy the 2 previous weekends and so he had had to do everything and so it was unreasonable to expect him to participate in my birthday weekend.

Typing this all up doesn't sound great.

When we were talking of course some of it sounds persuasive, no marriage is perfect, I over-analyse things and am too sensitive - there is truth in all of that.

But I realise he did a lot of gas-lighting too - and I called him out on it - he changed his story about the weekend a million times, he was too tired because of me, he was just tired, not angry, I was the one ignoring him, he just needed to rest to be able to go out in the evening, he just had a sore back, I wasn't grateful enough, I had annoyed him during the week about something.

The gist of his view of me is "it's never enough" .

He has said this in the past when we have a huge fall-out - and it kind of does come down to that -

I want more than he is willing to give
He wants less from me and just wants to get on with life, work, charity work etc.

@calmsealife no it's true he hasn't really taken it seriously but I also wasn't that forceful about it, apart from just before he went to sleep.

We were in bed and it was late and I wanted to be able to reiterate the next day, which I will do later today.

I certainly had several wobbles last night but one thing is clear, I can't live like this anymore and I said that to him several times.

It doesn't mean I don't love him (which he said at one point), I do unfortunately, otherwise this would be a whole lot easier.

But I said I can't live on this rollercoaster anymore and want to get off and need to get off because it's killing me slowly.

You have done so well.

It sounds at this point he's never going to "agree" the relationship is over, so is it better to just move on to the practical arrangements? He might end up painting you as the bad guy but does it matter as long as you get away?

I'm full of admiration for you OP. You seem entirely reasonable and level-headed and a decent person.

Gosh he's really not willing to accept any responsibility for anything is he? He just wants you to put up and shut up.

You've done so well. I think they key point here is that ultimately you can't give each other what you need. So it's time to call it a day. And his moodiness and sulking is a huge thing he's not even vaguely able to acknowledge. You KNOW he does it to punish you. Just keep remembering that because I think he is going to act as if last night sorted all the problems an s divorce is "too hard".

It is very nice to be called "reasonable and level headed" because one of the things I hate abut our relationship is that I feel like the irrational, hysterical one while he is entirely calm and reasonable.

No advice but just wanted to say my husband is like this. I’m sorry it’s happening to you. His behaviour has turned me into a person I don’t recognise and I hate it. I stay a lot of the time when I should leave because he doesn’t do it to my children and if he tried to I can protect them. I love him, he has good qualities but the sulking is so damaging to me

Just caught up on your thread. I say to my husband that life with him is a rollercoaster and it’s killing me. I think you are so brave and strong

Ugh. Just READING about those contestations is exhausting.

It's a textbook reaction from an emotional abuser. Refusing to accept responsibility, denying, minimising, gaslighting, blaming YOU.

You must stop engaging with him. Stop having long conversations. Just tell him it's over, I'm leaving you, end of discussion. Then do it.

contestations conversations

@user1466690252 so sorry you are going through this too but hope the thread helps you in some way.

I DO feel brave and strong and calm this morning but it doesn't mean that at the back of my mind I don't have the recurring thought of "what if he's right?" "What if I DO want to much?" " What if I am causing a lot of fuss over nothing and am fundamentally unstable and never satisfied with my lot in life?

"Here he said again that this was proof that I was too focused on my own point of view and would never be able to see his point of view"

This is ridiculous and it would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.

He's the one who refuses to see your point of view.

He did a real number on you last night.

""what if he's right?"
No, he wrong, he is talking bullshit as usual

"What if I DO want to much?"
No you don't, wanting to be treated with respect and not emotionally abused is NOT wanting too much

" What if I am causing a lot of fuss over nothing and am fundamentally unstable and never satisfied with my lot in life?"
Well that's what he wants you to believe. It's bollocks though.

Is there a local equivalent of women's aid and the freedom programme?

"What if I DO want to much?"

He's told you he sulks to punish you for not reading his mind. You don't say that to people you cherish. You don't say that to people who want too much.

You're partly thinking like this because you're aware of the big changes ahead and the comfort of the known seems appealing. People who are in happy relationships don't start threads about their partners immaturity.

Well even if he is right (and I don't think for a minute that he is) and you do want too much (you don't) it doesn't change the fact that the marriage doesn't work for either of you.

When you talk again later it is pointless reiterating everything you said last night, it is getting you nowhere AND HE KNOWS THIS.
So my advice for the next conversation is to repeat a statement that he cannot argue with (this is over, we need to sort practicalities etc) and keep saying it, because at the moment he knows you are serious but he is hoping if he argues and dismisses all your concerns you will chicken out and stfu like you usually do.
And be prepared for him to lovebomb or become furious, because he sure as hell will not be reasonable.

You can do this, and you and the kids will be fine, I am almost 2 years past this and life is new and exciting now.

no marriage is perfect, I over-analyse things and am too sensitive

My dh has never had to say this to me. If we've disagreed on something we both naturally see the other ones point. I hope you're always sensitive to someone punishing you for not reading their mind. That's a super shit thing to do.

I am so sorry that you're going through this, OP. He doesn't believe you and he doesn't believe that you will do anything about the way he behaves, e.g. his comment that his parents just get on with things in their relationship. I had a relationship where I eventually wanted out and every time I tried to explain, my DP thought or pretended to think that I just wanted an argument.

I agree with others who say stop trying to reason with him - he won't change. I too think that he will probably turn nasty and blame you when he finally understands that you mean what you say. make all your arrangements first and tell him last.

Really good luck - many of us know what it's like to be where you are.

'Flogging a dead horse' is the phrase that springs to mind OP.

The time has come to accept the inevitable and direct your energy elsewhere.

he also asked me what my psychologist had to say about everything.

Eurgh. That's the same as asking if you've remembered to take your pills. He's implying you don't know your own mind and need other people's input, i.e. his.