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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Confronting DH about his sulking

983 replies

jamaisjedors · 11/12/2018 13:40

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

OP posts:
Namechanged77 · 31/12/2018 21:45

Happy new year all. Stay strong!! Xx

Thehop · 31/12/2018 22:17

You’re amazing OP, happy fresh new year

Catmint · 31/12/2018 23:52

Just read this thread straight through.

Sending all best wishes for a free 2019, OP.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 31/12/2018 23:55

Happy new year everyone. Really struggling this evening, h being very tactile and perfect host and husband.

I have just taken myself off to bed because I have a really bad cold which is a good excuse, it's past midnight here anyway.

I suspect there'll be more cuddling up tonight and I just feel so awful, everyone is in couples, he's being amazing, I feel like I'm back to square one with thinking something is wrong with Me and not with him.

I feel really scared and alone, I wonder if I'm making the biggest mistake of my life.

Thank you to all the lovely people on this thread who have been there for me over the last few weeks, I'm just trying myself in knots wondering if I've got caught up by the thread and am about to fuck up my life and the kids' life..
Sorry, bit weepy and terrified...

OP posts:
upaladderagain · 01/01/2019 00:29

Sweetheart, don’t let the sentiment and false optimism of a new year shake you. You will be reminded soon enough of why you need to be resolute. Sending you hugs and strength.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 00:32

Thank you 🙁

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 01/01/2019 00:32

More hugs {{{{{jamaisjedors }}}}}

It's absolutely your choice, though I would encourage you to Have a read through this thread anytime you are having a wobble. What life do you want, one that looks 'perfect' from the outside or ....

Oddcat · 01/01/2019 01:03

I’ve just read the thread and I think you are doing the right thing, it is a big decision and it’s only natural to wobble.

I was with an abuser, physical and emotional, he very nearly drowned me in the bath but I still had to literally clamp my hand over my mouth to stop myself from telling him he could come back home ( as the police took him away) .

CottonTailRabbit · 01/01/2019 01:56

Break the rules tomorrow. See what happens.

Weenurse · 01/01/2019 05:14

Remember being able to cough in bed and use the wrong knife. Freedom!

Loveweekends10 · 01/01/2019 05:33

My poor MIL remarried a sulker after DJs dad died. Shes now 83 and still having to cope with his manipulative behaviour. However she’s now also trying to care for him. She came to ours for a pre Xmas party for a couple of hours and he was constantly calling her making up excuses to get her home. Don’t stay with a man child.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 11:53

Will be making my list today.

H still being perfect, I think because I don't care anymore, it doesn't matter if I break the rules, he can sense that his sulking won't touch me.

But am doing as I like today, even though doing things "his way" is now so ingrained in me that it's a reflex.

Interesting article here by the author of the "human magnet syndrome" quoted above - about the dance between givers and takers, sums up my situation pretty well.

humanmagnetsyndrome.com/codependency-dont-dance.php

OP posts:
Wauden · 01/01/2019 15:09

Thanks for the link; that was my emotional life.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 15:24

Glad it was helpful.

I've just reread the thread here (again!) and need to snap out of moping and gear myself up for talking to him tomorrow or the next day.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 01/01/2019 15:28

What day are you moving out?

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 15:41

I have confirmed that I want the house to the owner who advertised it.

She is going to let the agency know (presumably tomorrow because they will be closed today).

They then have to check if my salary covers the rent (they want me to earn 3x the rent which I don't - but I have other income from property).

If they agree to me letting it I guess I can move in in the next couple of weeks.

I am wondering if I should wait til it's definite but the waiting is killing me.

H is being so nice atm - he just made me a cup of tea and brought it to me on the sofa with my favourite biscuit. Worried I will waiver if I leave it.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 01/01/2019 16:07

I'd get the contract signed first. If it falls through for any reason it will be very awkward at home if you've told him.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 16:13

Yes I am quite stressed about that.

If it falls through I'll be a bit stuck because there is not much in the market to rent and I don't want to move the DC from pillar to post.

Just have to work out how to play things with super nice h in the meantime. Would rather tell him before I go back to work on Monday and I can't really focus on anything else right now.

Probably should be getting my things organized or making lists, that would help.

I'm struggling sleeping in the same bed as H , last night was ok as I went to bed before him and got up as soon as I woke up.

But he is bound to try to move closer to me again tonight and I'm just fobbing him off now.

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/01/2019 17:31

I admire you Op wobbles are natural but in your heart you just know you are right..I know you know that to be true...I believe in you.

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 17:33

@Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe
Thanks Flowers

OP posts:
Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 01/01/2019 17:41

One day OP I will have your strength not right now but one day its coming I can feel the change in me too .Not going in to it any further but I have appreciated every word you have said and all you have tried to do over the years..I get it I understand.i wish you all the happiness moving forward

Original poster
jamaisjedors · 01/01/2019 17:45

Don't forget to talk to people on here about it - I have been blown away by the support and the quality of the advice from all the posters.

Thank you all again.

Going to ring the agency myself tomorrow to find out how quickly things can move.

Just kind of tortured myself looking at old photos from the early days - we looked pretty happy but I can remember a couple of incidents even then...

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 01/01/2019 20:58

I've just found your thread Thanks

It's perfectly understandable that you are going to have moments of doubt.

However, from what you've described his behaviour has escalated over the years and if you don't take action things will get worse not better.

As a pp said he doesn't want things to change because he found a mechanism to control you that enables him to centre his wants/wishes at all times - both the sulks and the threat of them are like the sword of Damocles hanging over you.

You're not happy when he's not sulking, your just relieved that he isn't. That's the only element of positivity he allows you - a sense of temporary relief.

When I read this thread I kept thinking that he he treats your relationship like a balance scale. At any time he feels like it's tipping in your direction he dumps the weight of his sulk on his side to make sure the balance always favours him.

Once he's achieved that goal he thinks he resets the scale by ending the sulk. But it doesn't work like that. All that weight is cumulative and his behaviour on your birthday weekend proved enough to finally break the scale at its fulcrum. His behaviour doesn't impact you anymore because you're no longer connected to him.

He's done this, not you - broken that emotional connection.

Who knows what may happen? You're leaving might be the catalyst for him to make some changes and do some serious self reflection. Then again maybe not.

Either way your free of having your emotions and life dominated by his selfishness.Thanks

MsForestier · 01/01/2019 23:16

That's the best description of the power play of emotional abuse that I've read.

CottonTailRabbit · 01/01/2019 23:41

You are still centering him. You feel desperate to tell him. You feel weird refusing him when he's being nice without a really good explanation. It is still all about him in your mind.

You've got a lot of other things you should be worrying about more. I'd have thought your mind would be consumed with practical details, how you'll play it with the children, what will make it easier for them, which utility company will you use for electricity etc.

You can grey rock him. Any explanations for lack of sex/intimacy can be "I am still angry."