Confronting DH about his sulking

[jamaisjedors]

To cut a long story short, we went away for the weekend for my birthday plus the anniversary of a family bereavement for me and DH gave me the silent treatment and sulked all day Saturday and pretty much all weekend.

We sat down and discussed our point of views about the weekend and I have expressed how lonely and hurt I felt. He has expressed that he felt I was ungrateful and ruined his weekend and failed to ask what was wrong with him.

It's been left there. I think he thinks that's that, done but I can't get past it and feel really distant from him.

This is not the first time he's done it, and actually I swore never to let him get away with it again, yet I'm still here.

I'm not perfect and this is what he will bring up if I confront him but I'm not sure how to bring it up without taking it all over again.

I'm thinking of leaving but maybe that's overdramatic, seems ridiculous to end a 20+ year relationship and shake up my kids lives for this - maybe I need to get a thicker skin?

Happy new year, I hope things improve

@DeRigueurMortis brilliant and amazingly accurate description of our relationship- wow!

@CottonTailRabbit yes you are totally right, thanks for the "tough love" (I'll take it like that anyway ).

Funnily enough I had had enough of myself moping yesterday so enjoyed watching "Nanette" on Netflix and then started sorting out the paper work I will need for the house and went to bed at past midnight which by rights should send him into a sulk. (We'll see)

This morning I have just woken up feeling much less focused on him and concentrating on my list of people to see and things to do - but old habits are hard to break and I'm very grateful for your reminder of this.

Yesterday I was feeling sorry for him again, because he bought me a very nice gift for new year, actually picked out with care and thought , but then I realized that it is just part of the cycle.

When he had done a negotiation sulk on holiday for example, he will then insist on making me choose a piece of jewellery from wherever we are and then I have wear it and be appreciative of it (and swallow my hurt feelings because he's out of the sulk and look how generous and kind he is...)

Sorry, my phone is crazy

"When he has done another sulk on holiday for example, ..."

That's really horrible being "bought"

I hope that you get confirmatiom soon that you can really rent the flat. It must be hard to go on like this, especially now that you have made up your mind to make your own life without him.

Definitely with love. The truth will set you free but first it will piss you off.

How oppressive having to wear the jewellery and act appreciative.

Not wearing the jewelry now.

He asked me yesterday about it and it I said thank you, yes, I'll try it on later.

It's still in the box.

Only came across this today and read almost holding my breath, you know you are doing the right thing, and giving your boys a better future. Someone I worked with don't the exact same thing - planned to leave found another job in her old university city - my managers helped her leave when he went to work. She borrowed a car and left hers in the work car park and had it back later she is free. And you can be too

If you can it would be a good idea to get the rental signed up and even maybe move some of your things in before you tell him. That way, if you have to do a runner you will at least have some clothes and home comforts.

He could turn very awkward and nasty once he knows he 'lost' in his eyes. Men who exist on control can be dangerous once they are no longer in control.

Hi OP,

Glad you're feeling more focused today.

It's also good to see you recognising that the "nice guy" behaviour and present buying is simply the flip side of the sulking coin.

Just because it's not "nasty" it's no less manipulative. It's just another type of "weight" (going back to my analogy) to keep the scale tipping in his favour.

A pp wrote a really good post I thought about not trying to understand his behaviour in the context of feelings because all he's interested in is outcomes.

I think you need to keep that in mind - especially when you tell him you plan to leave. He'll react in a way that doesn't reflect how he feels but in a manner he thinks will influence you to do what he wants.

In all honesty I think you'd be better presenting him with a fait accompli and leaving him to come home to a letter after you've already left.

There's nothing to be gained in talking it through with him other than to give him an opportunity to manipulate you further.

Best of luck for today in moving forward with your plans

I can totally relate to the present thing. A pair of earrings on holiday was not offered as in ‘I know I’ve been horrible and made you cry, I’m so sorry’ but just ‘here you go. So, be grateful and let’s assume that everything is OK because I’m not sulking now, so you need to get over it’.

Take all the jewellery with you and sell it unless there are pieces you enjoy wearing

Fingers crossed the things with the house move on today. Stay strong OP x

Thanks. None of the jewellery has any value really but it will be coming with me, I will see how I feel about it later.

Spoke to the agency, they are sending me an application form this afternoon by email so I will get on that and ask them about how soon I could move.

I'm not writing a letter, although I appreciate the suggestion.

We will need to agree on what to say to the kids and ideally tell them together. Also will need to agree on weeks for custody and who is going on an upcoming holiday booked for February.

But I will be able to be firmer about what I want if I have it all in place before I speak to him.

Otherwise I will get caught up in discussion or suggestions of what should do.

Again old habits die hard, just this morning I was thinking, maybe I should talk this through with him so we can decide together about where the kids go to school, where to live etc.

But NO, I have all that worked out in my head, he will have to fit in with me for once.

I can just imagine what he'll tell people - she walked out, had been planning it behind my back for weeks, etc etc.

Strangely don't really care, let them say that if they want.

It's been helpful to talk to 2 friends IRL who were both horrified and did not all try to talk me into giving it another chance.

Also my brother noticed straight away at Xmas that something was wrong. Finally talked to him about it on the last evening. I just described the birthday incident v briefly and he immediately said "you do know that there is such a thing as psychological abuse ?" and did not in the slightest try to persuade me to stay for the kids etc.

I can just imagine what he'll tell people - she walked out, had been planning it behind my back for weeks, etc etc.

Don't argue with that. Take ownership. Call it your Escape Plan.

Glad your friends and family can recognise his behaviour for what it is. You many find that they have had concerns for you for a while. Well done for telling them.

I can understand why you don't want to leave a letter and think you're wise to have what you want to say planned.

As you said you'll need to be firm and make sure you make him realise you're not negotiating with him nor going to placate him in any way (you've spend the best part of 20 years doing that to your detriment).

I also hope the RL support you have is helping. It should be very telling to you that no one thinks you're over reacting.

It totally is.

Honestly for years he had me convinced I was over emotional and over sensitive and ALL of the problem.

Plus on lots of levels I have often compared him to other people's DH and found I should feel lucky. But I don't/didn't.

Nobody being shocked or surprised by this is an eye opener.

A few years ago I tried to talk to a mutual friend about things, and she just said "but your DH is amazing". I left it there, her husband had constant affairs and finally left her for another woman so I did feel pretty lucky.

Thing is, OP, you know he'll make you out to be the bad guy no matter how considerate of him you are in all this. So you may as well do what works for you, as you've realised. He will attempt to paint you in an unflattering light later, but as so many of us have said, the act put on by blokes like this is not so all-out convincing as it seems. People who really know you will understand.

So glad you’ve got RL support from friends and family.

Totally true, and I will tell the people it is important to tell.

One worry is work, we work in the same organisation, but again, I do not really care if he does say stuff (don't think he will) and I've come to realise recently how many people appreciate me and how well I do my job (another thing that has helped me get to this place).

The people closest to you are not surprised by his behaviour. This is often the case.

Those slightly more distant may also be lacking in surprise. They will have the kind of distance we have, so may well have spotted things a long time ago.

And those that think he's amazing and you're crazy to leave? Well who cares. They're not married to him, and their opinion doesn't count. I don't know anybody who left an absolutely amazing partner who was everything you could dream of. I know lots who left people who made them very unhappy though.

This is all about you now.

It doesn't matter what he says, People will either see straight through it or not, but that's not your concern. I think if you carry on with your head held high people will see the truth. It would be in his best interests to lay low with it anyway, but given his childish and abusive behaviour it's unlikely he will be quiet. But let him, given him enough rope (figuratively) and he will hang himself is to his own lies.

I think it's interesting that family and friends are supportive. Clear sign his behaviour has not gone unnoticed....

Had a great chat with a friend last night who went through similar things a few years back. She has given me lots of tips for things to do and talking it over with her made it seem more real.

OTOH, things in the house are totally normal, I will be alone with H this afternoon for a couple of hours and I think it could be a good time to talk to him.

It all feels quite surreal because we have been chatting and having lunch etc, it will be totally wierd to bring this up out of the blue.

I hope it goes well for you.