Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

343 replies

Whattheelf · 10/12/2018 22:32

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

OP posts:
Notacluethisxmas · 11/12/2018 12:24

NotScrewingUpNow bullshit there are threads all over the mn where people feel cohersed into doing things for partners, parents, siblings, friends etc that they don't want to do.

And it damages relationships.

If someone you care about it's talking about being homeless most people will want to help. But it can and does damage relationships especially when the help is all one way.

By your thinking the op could choose to not be upset that she has been dumped.

Dirtybadger · 11/12/2018 12:29

Whether he loved you is immaterial, He has a new girlfriend and doesn't want to be with you. I think it might honestly be worth visiting the GP in a couple of months if your feelings if anger don't seem to be improving. Because it's normal to be upset and angry, and some people are more sensitive to that than others, but I think there's is a line where it becomes a little dysfunctional and maybe you might need help to work through how you are feeling. Give it a bit more time.

But the bitterness is only hurting yourself. You need to accept him on what he said. He knows himself best and no one else.

HereIgoagainxx · 11/12/2018 12:30

What man wouldn't offer if it's implied his partner may become homeless? Most decent man would.

Not every man would be happy to do it on an ongoing basis though. They aren't even his children.

I suspect that although money wasn't asked for, it was hinted at and gratefully received time and again.

He didn't want to continue being a cash cow and that's entirely his choice.

bethy15 · 11/12/2018 12:31

Where is the other thread? Is it still active? It appears there's some differences in this one though...

Beaverhausen · 11/12/2018 12:31

The only thing op is missing is his money.

DistanceCall · 11/12/2018 12:34

I didn’t even ask for the money he offered cos I was struggling with paying for things like a roof over my kids heads.
He wouldn’t of done that if he didn’t love me now would he.

He could have pitied you. Or your kids. Pity is not a good basis for a relationship.

Usernumbers1234 · 11/12/2018 12:36

@aquamarine1029

Care to explain why he’s a “fucking bastard” - op suggests he made a go of it, took their time introducing to the children, spent 1.5 years with them but came to a stage where he needed to decide whether to commit or move on and did so in an honest and open way.

How does this make him a fucking bastard please?

zen1 · 11/12/2018 12:36

Is the father of your DC contributing towards their upkeep? If you are short of money, he’s the one you need to pursue.

Kennycalmit · 11/12/2018 12:39

Oh ffs. My reply last night was sympathetic and nice but obviously you don’t want to listen to anything that we say.
This can’t be real surely? Your attitude makes you sound 14.

How do you know their having shit sex? How do you know he’s thinking of you? I doubt he is! And as for you thinking she’s ugly... perhaps you do think that but he obviously doesn’t! He obviously likes her enough to be in a relationship with, he obviously finds her atttactive and enjoys the sex they have together. I doubt you enter his mind whilst their sleeping together.

I think the answer to your question ‘why her and not me’ is because no matter how much you think their having rubbish sex and how ugly you think she is - your attitude makes you even uglier.

He finds her attractive. He’s no doubt loving the sex their having, and he’s obviously happy with her otherwise he wouldn’t be with her.

You sound obsessed. Get help and move on.

DeadButDelicious · 11/12/2018 12:43

*Yeah and I bet she’s some ugly but clever girl from work or something.

Without being horrible or anything he was lucky to go out with me

I bet he’s having really shit sex with her and will be back before too long.

His new girlfriend may have money (yeah, I looked up solvent) but he’ll never get the sex off her like he did with me. Stupid cow

At least I get to know that he’s thinking of me whilst he’s having shit sex with her*

Yeah... you see that attitude right there might be why he's moved on to someone else.

Gazelda · 11/12/2018 12:45

OP, I feel for you heartbreak is awful.
But he's gone. It's over. He doesn't want to be with you.
So wipe your tears, tell yourself that you can be strong, and concentrate on giving yourself and your DC a happy and secure life.
Don't look back.
Don't compare yourself to other women.
Don't let him back in your life.
Move forward with strength.

LEELULUMPKIN · 11/12/2018 12:47

OP many men give women money if they want something in return. Stop and think for a second what you were giving him. According to you porn star sex. Love has bog all to do with that.

Your views about love and relationships are massively askew and calling out any possible rival is just childish and nasty. Maybe he saw that in you too?

Theyprobablywill · 11/12/2018 12:50

@bethy15 there is a link to previous thread on page six, posted at 02.40

Malaco · 11/12/2018 12:51

I was stupid enough to accept his money when things were tight. I regret that so much
But you've said you'd have been homeless if you'd not taken the money, so surely your kids not being homeless is more important than holding on to a boyfriend

SandyY2K · 11/12/2018 12:53

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids and that this new girl didn’t need his money

He was very clear in his reasons. This does not need overanalysing.

You are a mother. You have to put your children first.

I like him wouldn't want a long lasting relationship with a man with small kids if I didn't have any.

He tried it... and it didn't work for him. He has the liberty to leave and that does not make him a bad person... or isn't a sign he's shown his true colours.

Being with you was a drain on his resources and he's not the father of your kids.

If you want a relationship where a man willingly does this....then you need to look elsewhere. There are men who will happily do this ...because they can't get a young beauty otherwise.

Your 38 year old geek clearly has more options than you thought.

ShalomJackie · 11/12/2018 12:57

I think having paid out for your rent and to clear your credit cards he suddenly realised of what life with you was going to be like. You cannot force someone to stay with you.

He has been very clear he does not want a gf who has the "baggage" you have. I hate using that term for your children but you must understand that although you love them dearly there is no onus on anyone else to do so too.

At least he has done the right thing in calling it off quickly as soon as he realised this wasn't the life for him and you were not the one for him.

You are losing sympathy by slagging off his new gf who you have insulted without even knowing her or indeed who she is. He clearly believes it is a better fit for him. You seem to think you have done him a favour by being with him. Perhaps she treats him with more respect than that.

Youbloodywhaat · 11/12/2018 13:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Notacluethisxmas · 11/12/2018 13:03

Can't help notice that the op only came back to answer someone justifying her taking his money.

It really does seem that the op believed she had bagged him and he would be so grateful he wouldn't leave. But her main concern was what he could provide financially.

SandyY2K · 11/12/2018 13:04

Love is not everlasting. The number of marital breakdowns and divorces are evidence of that.

bertielab · 11/12/2018 13:05

Someone else clearly did fancy him. He had been honest.
Move on. Get some counselling.

You can't make him choose you.

SandyY2K · 11/12/2018 13:05

Can't help notice that the op only came back to answer someone justifying her taking his money

I noticed that too.

Monday55 · 11/12/2018 13:14

you're being ungrateful OP by saying he offered the money willingly. If he hadn't you'd be homeless, you should be thanking him for giving you his hard earned cash when he didn't have to. Moreover, for him to offer the money you must have been moaning about how you're struggling, so he got the hint and offered you cash.

You need to move on from this and start getting the father of your kids to help you if you're struggling to pay rent.

DisrespectfulAdultFemale · 11/12/2018 13:36

It definitely sounds like you think you were punching below your weight and being charitable allowing him to date you, I suspect that's why you're so furious now that HE ended things with YOU.

That was my take, too.

bethy15 · 11/12/2018 13:39

Thanks Theyprobablywill, I actually had read part of that thread at the time but assumed it was a child looking for attention with the talk of love and proper love making which cannot be faked so didn't read any more.

If it is the same person, I do hope she leaves this man alone, clearly he has said it's over, so doesn't need to be messaged all the time.

Baking101 · 11/12/2018 13:59

Can't help notice that the op only came back to answer someone justifying her taking his money.

It really does seem that the op believed she had bagged him and he would be so grateful he wouldn't leave. But her main concern was what he could provide financially.

Agreed. For not being a gold digger, she certainly sounds like one. Bet him being rich was why she actually liked him, considering she said that she didn't find him attractive at first.