Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

[Whattheelf]

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

My kids dad left after promising he’d be with me forever

Maybe the sex wasn’t good enough? 🙄🙄🙄

Anyway, sounds like ex-boyfriend had a lucky escape.
I can’t see that he’s done anything wrong here.

Do yourself a massive favour. Delete his number and forget about him. You have 2 kids and they come first, as it should be. You’re in danger of spiralling into depression over this and that’s not fair on you or them. He’s chosen somebody who has no responsibilities. That’s his call to make. He got into it with you, thought he could deal but he can’t. He wants a different life. He’s never going to choose you. It’s got nothing to do with the money. He wants to do the 1st baby, getting married, normality thing. Your life comes with strings and other complications. It’s his right to decide what he wants. He told you straight. Now it’s time to block him, pull up your big girl pants and soldier on. It’s not the end of the world. There will be other guys. There are people out there who are dying from cancer so put this shit in perspective, concentrate on Christmas and then get yourself back out there in the new year. Do not contact him again. It’s just embarrassing fromnow on if you do

I would say OP that he sees you as nothing more than cheap, because that's how you come across. Willing to shag someone for what they can give you financially.

You sound desperate quite frankly, and certainly not attractive. Your spiteful comments do you no favours either.

The new gf probably has all the good qualities you lack, why would he want to come back to you?

Jesus Christ, how many women on here are with partners who are physically unattractive and crap in bed ?

Give the OP a break !

Don’t get your point ElonMask? The OP appears to think a woman’s worth is only measured by her looks and sexual prowess. Plus the ex’s new girlfriend could be a supermodel pornstar for all we know. The OP has decided she is probably ‘clever and ugly’ and crap in bed based on absolutely nothing at all.

Hi everyone,
Thanks to those who sent reports in asking us to take a look at this thread. We have done so, and can tell you that this poster has been with us for a good few years and has posted a lot, so we are inclined to give this one the benefit of the doubt.
Hope things are looking a little brighter this morning, OP.

You seem to imply that you were doing him a favour being with him because you are attractive and supposedly good in bed. It's like you think that should have been enough to keep him. Like if it ended it should have been you doing the breaking up.

Did you feel like that is why you could ask for money? Because you were the better catch?

I'd die before I'd ask someone to support me financially. How did you cope before him and how are you coping now? Be honest. It's possible he thought you were using him.

soy

The op is clearly hurting and is a bit jealous, give her a break. She wants to feel she has two attributes that would make her attractive in a relationship. Two attributes I bet you consider you have to your partner btw.

I wouldn't consider my looks and ability in the bedroom to be attributes I'd want any man to be with me for. They'd have to be part of a much bigger package and they are.

Stay single and focus on yourself.

If you're on benefits can you put toddler in nursery with 15 hours? You could do a college course during those hours and get a well paid career.

I think you like that he funded your life. You really need to learn to support yourself and I know it must be hard with 2 children but it's possible.

It's possible he thought you were using him

I think this may be closer to the truth than we realise. No one likes being taken advantage of.

I had a friend who was always broke (not helped by the fact she chose to work barely part time, no kids, just lazy). I was always treating her, paying for stuff (including a holiday), giving her things.... she lived on other side of the country and came to stay with me for 2 nights and I saw a side of her I didn't like. Grabby and entitled and I felt I couldn't trust her as she was eyeing up all my possessions!

I'm not saying you are remotely like this OP, but maybe there was a straw that broke the camel's back as far as your boyfriend, maybe just maybe he felt taken advantage of his good nature.

It definitely sounds like you think you were punching below your weight and being charitable allowing him to date you, I suspect that's why you're so furious now that HE ended things with YOU.

Two attributes I bet you consider you have to your partner btw.

They're not the biggest things by any stretch. They wouldn't be the first things we'd list about each other.

*Jesus Christ, how many women on here are with partners who are physically unattractive and crap in bed ?

Give the OP a break !*

What on earth does this mean? That she has a point?

Seriously, have no idea what you mean here, if you think those two things are the be all and end all, then no wonder you empathise with what the OP is saying.

ElonMask - Would all the posters saying the OP "simply has to move on" go on to other fora and say stuff like "yeah, old people die all the time, just get over it" ?

Why on earth would you even give a comparison like that?

OP from the way you post it has crossed my mind you may suffer with BPD/EUPD

It would explain why this is so devastating and making you more angry than some of us would feel because you genuinely do feel things more intensely - especially abandonment or rejection.

Sorry if I'm way off... but I think it's something worth taking a look at that may help you cope

Arrr crap bold fail,

Because that is effectively the advice the OP has been given, to get over it.

They're not the biggest things by any stretch.

They're deal breakers. You may not be all that bothered that your husband fancies you and has an enjoyable sex life, but most people have it pretty high up their list of priorities.

It definitely sounds like you think you were punching below your weight and being charitable allowing him to date you, I suspect that's why you're so furious now that HE ended things with YOU.

I think you are right here. And this is not a helpful way for anyone to think of themselves and their relationships.

It is really difficult to sympathise with someone whose attitude stinks. Yes breaking up is hard (although it was clearly weeks ago) and the OP might well be jealous. But she doesn’t have to express it the way she has.

I don’t agree with most of the comments. I think the poster who got her act together with two young children and eventually found love gave good advice. I think it sounds like he was keen, probably freaked a bit and decided to test drive another model. One without kids. I suspect he is doing this so he can see if he would prefer to go up this supposedly less ‘complicated’ route. This is by far the most likely explanation as to why he is now with her. It’s not you, it’s him!

As someone who married a man supposedly without baggage and who on paper at least was ‘perfect’ - young, good looking, faithful, nice family etc - I can tell you this is NOT necessarily the right or best thing. In fact, uncomplicated can be quite boring. In my experience most men don’t really want boring. Or they might for a bit but they then get, yes, bored.

I married with my head and not my heart. I don’t really recommend it. It all looked perfect and uncomplicated but we both got carried away with the dream and forgot to consider whether we were really that into each other. In the cold light of day, the answer was no.

I feel sure he is testing the water, OP. I think this answers the first question in your thread title. The answer to the second question is be the best person you can be. Enjoy your children and have fun with them. Build a very strong support network around you. Don’t rely on a man to fulfill you. Are you getting maintenance from the father of your children and are they in regular contact with him, if appropriate? While you might mourn the loss of both relationships, the father of your children didn’t exactly step up to the mark, did he? Leaving you when you had such a young baby is unforgivable, IMO. I wouldn’t get involved with someone who had a track record like that so I doubt he will swan off into the sunset with another woman.

And this one I am sure is playing you too. He’s probably not even that into Miss Uncomplicated. I bet you he gets bored. Meanwhile you will be getting on with this next chapter of your life - bringing up children - and I guarantee that if he sees you getting over him he will be sniffing around again. It’s then up to you whether you would consider him back on any terms.

Better to be on your own than with a douchebag. It’s not your fault he left. I’m sure he did if for the reasons I’ve stated. I think he thinks you’ll still be in the wings when Miss Uncomplicated starts to bore him and/or want to start a family. No doubt he will them freak again and come scuttling back.

Prove him wrong! Honestly, there are so many people out there who are so desperate to be in a relationship and/or married that they settle and are then miserable. Just read the stories on here! Work on yourself and the relationship with your children and your wider family, if they are supportive. Develop friends who care about you and your children and join lots of groups with shared interests. The right person will come into your life when you are not even looking and are happy as you are. As others have noted, you sound as though you might have some emotional issues from your childhood (absent father?) which could be relevant to the situation/s you are finding yourself in. Always helpful to gently explore these type of issues - with a counsellor and/or support group if necessary - so that you can break the pattern with your own children and develop yourself and your awareness of healthy relationships.

Good luck OP - rather than seeing your situation as a negative, see it as a positive. You have two lovely children amd you’re not stuck with a man who is unworthy of you or them. Many woman would be very happy with that, IMO!

You know what, OP, you're vulnerable right now and confused. You sound like you've never had any luck with men so your delusion about how a loving relationship should be is not really your fault. If you were a friend of mine, I would give you a massive hug and tell you that you need self care right now, not a man.
I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but it's possible he has led you on, whether he has meant to or not, and in your vulnerable state, it's hard for you to fathom why.
He may be a good person and he's made a mistake with you and found someone more suitable, that's not his fault. Or he may do this to a lot of women, messing them about, he may seek out vulnerable people and take advantage. I suspect it's the former, but I dont know.
But the bottom line is, he has moved on because he doesn't want the same things as you. And if he does he doesn't want them with you, but someone else. That's all there is to it, please move on and if he ever comes back for sex, tell him to fuck off. Don't let yourself be used.

You may not be all that bothered that your husband fancies you and has an enjoyable sex life, but most people have it pretty high up their list of priorities.

How is that the same as what op said?

Seconding everything @Chocolatecoffeeaddict says here.

It's tough OP, it hurts, been there myself x

Time is a healer & you will feel better about it all in the near future, it just wasn't meant to be.

Concentrate on your kids, sending hugs

what’s wrong with accepting his money though? He offered and I needed to keep a roof over my kids heads. Why do people have a problem with that? What was I supposed to do? Say no and he homeless?

I've lost all sympathy - you sound like a money grabber , you should sort your own money problems out for your own children before getting into a relationship if that's what you want to call it. Who would want a relationship like that sounds like you want a dad for your kids and his wallet. Have some self respect.

Felt my post last night was a bit mean, sorry OP. It was just the derogatory comments about the new gf that set me off as I was the “new gf” once and got trolled by by the ex. I’m now married to the guy that set this venom off, it was years ago so I guess she moved on.

But I can see why you’re hurting, take care. There’s nothing wrong with working in a supermarket btw!