Heartbroken. Why did he choose her? And how can I get him back?

[Whattheelf]

I’m a single mum of 2. 5 and 2 yo. There dad left when the youngest one was 2 months.

He is the love of my life, I’ve never felt anything like what I did for him. He showed me what real love was. And took my kids in his stride. I never introduced him to them cos I didn’t want them to get too attached until he committed. But he was amazing with pressies and he helped me out with rent and credit card bills during stressful times like Xmas and birthdays.

We decided to take a breather cos he suddenly wasn’t sure he wanted a “ready made family”. I gave him all the space he needed and anyway I was so busy with my kids that I didn’t think a lot about it and assumed he’d be back once he’d had a bit of time.

But he ended it and said he cared about me and my kids but that he thought we should see other people.

So I did. Went online dating, met a few lads went on dates but nothing compared to him.

After a couple of months I decided to text him. Just a breezy hi, how are you? And he text back “looking good darling” commenting on my fb photo. We went out and ended up in bed.

Didn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks so I text him again to say “how you doing stranger”. He rang me immediately to say that he’d met someone else and that we couldn’t be friends.

I was like WTF???? And asked him why her and not me. He said that it was because he couldn’t deal with me having kids abd that this new girl didn’t need his money and was “uncomplicated”. Wtf does that even mean?

I can’t help but think that I played it all wrong by accepting him paying my rent and stuff for my kids. I d do anything to turn the clock back. What should I do to get him back?

OP, you really need to get some sort of therapy or counselling, or you are going to keep on making the same mistakes (grabbing a man, clinging on, pushing the relationship along too fast) over and over again. This man who has just left sounds like a reasonably OK person - he dated you, found out it wasn't working for him and moved on. But there are very dangerous and unpleasant men who are always on the look out for the desperate single mothers. Some of these men are just cocklodgers (not necessarily needing financial support, but a woman to cook and clean for them and provide sex on tap) some want a woman they can use as an emotional or even physical punchbag, and so they choose women they think are too desperate and lacking in self-respect to stand up to them.

You are likely to be putting yourself and your DC and risk if you don't put in some effort on sorting yourself out. It's fine to be single. It's OK to date, but only when you are already comfortable being single, so a few dates and some sex are a pleasant addition to your life, not a necessity.

You're just going to have to afford him the same right to know what he wants as you feel you know what you want. Why would you want someone who is happy to lose you back. You're worth someone who doesn't want to ever lose you. Not someone who needs to be 'played' into wanting you.

I haven't read all the replies but in a nutshell, you have children, you and their dad should provide for them. I know it's hard, but taking money as a one off from a boyfriend in times of need is one thing, with an honest promise of paying it back, but he shouldn't be doing this regularly. You say he has a good job but not attractive, you on the other hand are gorgeous but don't earn much, you come across as very entitled, as if he should have thought himself lucky and should have been happy to pay for someone else's children just because you're pretty and good in bed!!! Grow up, there's more to relationships and it looks like he's found someone that may be all the things you were PLUS emotionally mature and independent. Learn from this, you can't get by on looks alone, he sounds a decent guy, who treated yo well but wasn't feeling it and has moved on, he's been nothing but honest. Walk away now with your pride

I can see why he left you for someone better.

Yes of course. We are women so we all have to react the same. I haven't called the op names nor do I have much sympathy for someone who writes the things she does, about a woman who has simply entered a relationship with a single man.

Being derogatory and vicious isn't a must when you are hurt. She been dumped. A fairly short relationship has ended. He hasn't shagged around. He hasn't betrayed her.

He simply doesn't want the relationship anymore. He doesn't owe her a relationship. He can end it for any reason he chooses.

If you are unsure you want to take someone's kids on, it's best to end it. If you arent happy with how finances work between you, you are best ending it. Finances cause huge problems

And I bet no one would have an sympathy if the OP was a man, who took money off his girlfriend to pay for the kids, regretted putting their kids first and kept insisting he was the best that woman would ever get.

If you were single and he had kids with an ex then we'd all be congratulating you for making a decision that was hard but less complications in the future. Read the step parenting forum- lots of people find it hard not being their partner's number 1 priority and lots of people get flamed for moaning about their partner's kids- "why did you get with a man with kids?" Etc .

I think that accepting the money wasn't a final straw but it inevitably would turn your relationship from 2 equal adults to one where he had more power as you were financially weaker than him. Next time offer to pay it back even in instalments.

I think you have to block him and her then keep yourself busy not thinking about her. It might make you feel better to imagine someone ugly and crap in bed but there's lots of pretty girls who are good in bed and smarter/richer than you.

"The best sex ever " comment is a cliche but said by lots of men who want to secure future shags. Take the compliment when someone says it to you but don't get carried away and assume that you're the only one that they've said it to.

Long and short is that you can’t make him choose you so for your own sanity take a deep breath, block Facebook to give you space to recover and move on.

Many posts here are harsh, but most have the same sentiments. Move on and look for ways to improve your own life. Good looks and sex only take you so far. I hope you're now realising that, OP.

It's tempting to feel that having a man will solve all your problems, but you'll attract the RIGHT man for you, once you do some work on yourself. Being pretty is nice, but not the be all and end all. I was very pretty in my 20s and loved sex, but was still dumped on occasion, for a variety of reasons.

If you work on your self esteem, and improve your own life, you'll have more to offer than a good shag. Being a lone parent is hard, but rewarding. Men come and go, but your kids will need you for many years yet.

Yes @Roussette. Lots of women do love geeky men. The OP has made several comments that imply (or just outright say) that he’s ‘not really fanciable’ and that she was pretty much doing him a favour by going out with him since she’s so pretty and popular.

That’s also an attitude that won’t help the OP in life.

I know someone just like this. She met a successful IT guy who was older than her (my foolish cousin). She didn’t like her life and saw him as a meal ticket. So she got pregnant on purpose and he ‘did the right thing’ and married her. But she has always imagined herself to be ‘too good’ for him because she’s younger and pretty (and she definitely is pretty). They hadn’t been married long when she started sexting other men and then having affairs. So now they’re divorced.

Thing is, looking at it objectively, he is definitely the better ‘catch’. He’s solvent, successful and has good social skills, even if he’s quiet and a bit geeky. He’s also reasonably nice looking, even though he’s ‘old’ (in his early 40s 😆) and doesn’t look like someone off love island. He’s far from perfect, but he’s got a lot to offer in a relationship.

In contrast, she is still young and pretty but that’s really all that she has going for her. The biggest issue she has is her attitude. I can totally imagine her posting about how lucky he was that she’d condescended to be with his bank account him, and how his new girlfriend is one of those awful clever (but undoubtedly ugly) people who must be bad in bed. The best advice anyone could give her is to sort out her attitude, concentrate on making her own life with her child (although, unlike the OP, she does get child maintenance and time off when he has their son so she’s not financially precarious in the same way).

She’d want validation and everyone to agree that her exH is awful, not really good enough for her, and his new GF (who he met a year after their divorce) must be a bitch. That’s what her friends tell her, but it’s not the advice she needs. I always wonder if she’ll grow up in her 30s and maybe start to be a nicer person.

he’ll never get the sex off her like he did with me. Stupid cow

Are you for real?
Do you think you're the only one who is good in bed?
If you have so much going for you... (and with your looks and sexual ability) then you shouldn't find it so hard to find another guy should you.

At least I get to know that he’s thinking of me whilst he’s having shit sex with her

If you're so good at mind reading...try predicting the winning lottery numbers.
You DON'T KNOW that he's thinking of you when with her.

You don't really know he's met someone else. He may have said that so you leave him alone. I've done that before myself.

Some relationships are not the one. They are gap fillers. There's people I've been out with...that I was never going to stay with. They didn't have all the qualities I wanted.... but were okay in a non serious way.

@butterballs9
It is a total myth to suggest that just because someone does not have obvious baggage (ie: a child/divorce) they are ‘straightforward’.

It's not a myth. No one is suggesting being childfree means you have no issues.

Taking on kids is a huge responsibility. That's reason enough to move on.

He's already spent a lot on them via rent. It's a good solid reason. Not a myth.

Yeah and I bet she’s some ugly but clever girl from work or something.

That, right there. That's why he's with someone else.

At least I get to know that he’s thinking of me whilst he’s having shit sex with her

I honestly don’t believe he is giving you a second thought whilst he is having sex with her-you need to get some perspective. If he wanted to have sex with you, he could-you’ve made that quite clear. He doesn’t want to and has chosen her which suggests he is more than happy with her!

You are showing a very bitchy irrational side to yourself on here; that’s likely why he doesn’t want to be with you.

Does slagging off someone who you don't even know make you feel better OP?

You sound incredibly bitter, shallow and self-centred. You're saying she gives him shit sex? You don't know that. You're tearing strips off someone because they got what you want - that's playground behaviour. You're a grown woman and as an adult you need to accept that things don't always go your way

In the nicest possibly way - put your big girl pants on, concentrate on your kids and move on because he doesn't want you. Doesn't make him an arse, it simply means that he feels he deserves more. You should do the same.

Stop worrying about getting him back - he's living his life and you should do the same

First, before this thread melts my brain I have to point out OP being good-looking and intelligent are not mutually exclusive and neither are being unattractive and unintelligent. There are all sorts of combinations so no point focusing on that.

Sorry you are hurting but that comment didn't show you in your best light hence some of the comments you've received.

He got cold-feet about the children/family commitment aspect which of course hurts like any break up but better you know now rather than later in case another baby arrived?

You have posted this before and have changed some details haven’t you?

Apart from being money grabbing, having an ego that has its own moon, incredibly rude, childish, narcissistic tendencies and clingy what's not to love about the op.
I think any self respecting man would be very unlucky to end up with her.

Op. Please go for counselling. Also please go and talk to your GP. you sound really quite unwell

Just because someone has told you they don't want you after you've opened your life to them, in a respectful way, doesn't make it hurt less. Would all the posters saying the OP "simply has to move on" go on to other fora and say stuff like "yeah, old people die all the time, just get over it" ? If your advice is to say "move on" with no recommendation as to how to do that it's no advice all.

I know who sounds unattractive on this thread and it isn’t the boyfriend or his new girlfriend......

Honestly for once I am speechless at the op's delusion.

I think you used sex to get the man to pay your rent, yes you did use him and assumed he was enamoured by your bedroom antics. Him moving on proves you do not have a golden pussy, he got bored of being your sugar daddy and found himself a woman with some self respect and obvious more than just a good lay.

I can’t believe he’s not tortured by changing his mind. And so he bloody well should be.

Even the person who ends the relationship hurts. But he has the right to end it if he's changed his mind. He doesn't deserve to be tortured for having a change of heart. If you love him you'll want him to be happy even if that means he isn't with you. That's proper adult love.

Oh, and the idea a single mother who is cleary upset at a relationship with a man she loved and trusted should immediately pop off and see a therapist because she expressed jealousy is lunacy. Give it a few weeks OP and don't contact him, you will feel better.

Don't do anything you will regret when you feel strong again.

....and I bet she's some ugly but clever girl from work or something.....
A singularly unpleasant comment OP.
He's told you precisely why he doesn't want to be with you so move on.
As for 'being tortured' that's ridiculous. It makes you sound very spiteful and to be honest it's starting to sound like he's had a lucky escape

No point wasting a single second thinking about this man any more. Stand on your own two feet and you'll find someone else eventually.

You’ve got to the age of 28 without realising that someone’s worth is not measured by their looks, or how good they are in bed? You sound like a teenager.
Plus you have no idea about this woman... she could be clever, financially secure and a stunner, who is amazing in bed. But it’s irrelevant. For whatever reason, he has chosen her and not you.
You are very hung up about the money, and what he represented to you financially. I think you had a dream in your head about what life would be like with this man. Financially secure, nice things, holidays for your family... which is understandable, but unfortunately it wasn’t based in reality.