My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

hope the OP is ok....

'leave to remain' is a UK concept. And I've no idea what kind of rent support you are getting while refusing to sign on.

If you are on a spouse visa, you wait 2 years and then get PR. But in that time you have full rights to Medicare and associated services, and working rights. Plus if you leave your partner due to domestic violence the 2 years is waived and you will likely be given PR, especially with Aussie kids.

Sorry to troll hunt, but the facts aren't lining up for me on this one. If you are here on a spouse visa (presumably as you don't appear to be sponsored by work or on a skilled visa) then the above should be good news!

I'm in Australia with a UK spouse so we've been through this relatively recently.

I'm with @kmmr ... some things seem off here. You should be entitled to Medicare given you are on a valid Australian visa. It's the same as Australian citizens accessing NHS services while residing in the UK. And surely your kids are eligible for Medicare if they're Australian citizens?

Also confused about how you can afford private school given the financial situation.

Private school is very cheap compared to the uk

Why would the govt pay your rent if you have enough to cover fees, sounds like he’s not working and the op has very little

Not that cheap. Starting at $20k per annum (circa ~£12k) for high school. It's common, but not cheap.

Quite possible that the MIL is paying the fees.

True that’s probably it

Although the h insisted so no idea

Oh you poor thing. I am an Aussie and I feel for you. Firstly, depending on where you are in Australia, smoking weed isn’t legal. Especially that much. Talk to the school counsellor and find out what legal services can be made available to get either him or you out of the house. Call the British consulate and tell them everything. This is not a time for shame. You will have much more financial and medical assistance at home. Australia is not the lucky country Home and Away would have people believe. (And everything is soooo expensive!!!)

As per kmmr. Bit confused. OP can you state a) your current visa class/subclass + the exact number) and the one you are have in progress?

This will clear up confusion regarding your entitlements.

As already stated, removing kids without his official consent (legally drawn up and including child support agreement valid in both countries if possible) is a violation of the Hague convention. This is strenuously enforced both UK and OZ directions. British consulate will not help your children (at all since they are dual citizenship). You will not be entitled to UK assistance on immediate return to UK due to habitual residency rules (inc NHS). Your best bet in the short term is to seek help in Australia...that's why I'm asking what is your exact visa class number.

The British consulate will not do anything. I was stuck in Australia with children having missed the flights - bloody long story but not avoidable - emirates saved the day but I had to use credit cards to put us up for a week, get to the airport etc. the consulate were sympathetic but nothing they could do. And our circumstances were similar to OPs but without me having PR so worst really

Please also remember that op will have no rights to benfits housing etc as not habitually resident. British citizenship does not matter here. If she returns to UK without money, job lined up etc she LL be effectively destitute.

In a preactical note- if your mother’s condition is life limiting several of the airlines have compassionate fares.
Fly outside of Christmas and take an indirect route and it will be much cheaper- look at sky scanner, be prepared for longer stints in airports etc for example Sydney to London now would be about £1600 return- min jan it would be about £1000, but fly indirect and it could be as low as £650
Skyscanner and google flights are both great- also look at codeshare eg quantas in in one world group so the same flight can be cheaper with say Qatar than BA

Just letting you know that travelling Christmas Day is often several hundred dollars cheaper, too!

This is not about flights/ flight prices. Given the legal issues etc there is no likelyhood that she will fly anywhere around X-mas even if flight gets were free.
She needs to get the legal situation sorted and organise a way to survive if she is able to return to UK with her children at some point in the future (which is questionable).
If she jumps on the next plane with her children and gets back to the UK, there is every possibility that her children will be returned to Australia swiftly without her. Then an Australian court will have to look into the family law (reslidency, contact etc) and the OP may not be allowed back into the country as she may have a record due to child abduction.
Apart from that there is the situation re her not having habitual residence. So no entitlement to child benefit or tax credits / universal credits for months.
She might be able to claim carers allowance but that will be it.

There is an element on mumsnet which are hardcore you made your bed and you lie in it types. Stoics. Who cant fathom having no jewelery to sell, or being do downtrodden by abuse that no way out seems possible.

Abuse is tiring emotionally, physically draining.

Op, you need to find a way for you and your kids to get peace, distance from him, a life without the grind of fear.

Im very worried about you.

At the very least you need to speak to dv charities in your area, get some support and advice.

Please dont give up on escape because some privileged women are hung up on seemingly punishing you for your decisions. I know it hurts. I believe you can escape, just reach out for some real life support.

You can be free of him, and keep your kids safe. He is not your jailer, dont let him be.

There are some morons in here. The Australian courts will only demand the children back if the father peruses it which would cost him thousands. By the time it got to court the children would have been in the UK 12 months. People love the drama and forget there is a person reading their worst case scenarios and being upset by things that are highly highly unlikely to ever happen.

Unfortunately you're getting some really bad advice here OP. Get home with your kids and live with your mother even if it's not ideal, it's just temporary. You can be her carer and you'll have an address so can claim benefits.

Keep in mind that if your husband is mentally unstable then his condition may decline without you there making it less likely he'll pursue you and more likely that he'll require medical treatment.

I would however be contacting domestic violence charities in the UK for advice and possibly the embassy.

Agree with contacting local dv charities - they are much better placed to advise you than any posters as you can lay out the full facts. It sounds like this will be a two-step process: (1) get yourself and the dcs away from him while in Australia and (2) take the legal steps to allow you to return to the UK with the dcs. Step 1 is urgent, and step 2 less so.

Actually I think you need to contact DV charities in the UK so that you understand what help may be available when you get back home.

Focus on getting the kids UK passports in order, then get the cheapest possible economy flights for all three of you back home.

No 5fivestar, you're being the moron, not others. The order to return the children to Australia will be made by the UK court because Australia is their residence. This is done under the Hague convention. The UK court does NOT hear any application as to whether the children should reside in the UK or not. It is the Australian court which will have a hearing to decide whether the children should remain in Australia or the parent be allowed to take them away from Australia. THAT hearing can take a few months, yes. But the FIRST hearing in the UK will happen in less than a few weeks, and more than likely will only take a few days.

If the father doesn't care whether she takes the children overseas, then the Australian court might give permission for her to take them, but they might not. They get a bit pissed off with parents taking their children and THEN asking for permission.

The only thing that would mitigate in her favour is if she WAS given permission by the father of the children, so had not intended to do anything contrary to what she believed was permitted.

Overthehedgesammy please see the link I posted earlier about The Hague stuff. You are saying exactly the opposite of lawyers offices etc. where on earth did you get your information?

From my lawyer when sorting out my permission to take my children out of the UK and moving to Australia.

If the husband's mother gets her son to sign the paperwork for the court, then the OP would be required to return the children to Australia. Now whether the husband (or ex husband by then) shows up to court or not for the hearings in Australia is another matter. But by then the OP's children would be back in Australia, with or without the OP.

That is one of the things I have had to protect myself from. My STBXH has some very interfering siblings who would LOVE to stick their oar in and take over. So part of what we covered was STBXH making it clear that these siblings were to have nothing to do with him, me or the DC.