My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Do you think their dad's family will encourage him to have the dc returned to Australia?

Maybe this site clarified more about The Hague stuff.
familylaw.msbsolicitors.co.uk/international-family-law/abduction-of-a-child-to-the-uk-from-a-hague-convention-country.html

I think you and your children are all at grave risk from your husband. I would attempt to convince him to sign a letter stating that he gives consent for you to return to the UK and take the children with you. I echo previous posters in that the Hague convention makes exceptions for children nearly of age where they can choose. Do you think there is any chance this man will pull himself together within the next year and effectively mount an international legal challenge to ask for their return.it sounds very much as though he will be in too much of a doped haze to bother with anything like this. With regards to cheap flights from Aus to London, I am searching skyscanner for you now and will post anything i find. Is there anyone you can leave your dog with on the understanding you will send for him when you are settled.

Flights leaving Melbourne going to Heathrow on 14th January via Brunei comes to £813 total for an adult and two children .

Both the British expats forum and the Poms in oz forum may be able to offer some advice to you. I think alerting the British consultate to your plight may be a source of support as well.

Two other options that haven't yet been mentioned --

(1) ask him to come for a holiday with you and the kids to England - to see your mother. Buy cheap tickets for all of you. Decide the future of your relationship when you are in England. No abduction. Keep an open mind. Leave decisions until sometime in the future. When you are all in England. He can go back to Australia if he wants.

(2) see if he will agree to the children travelling with you to see your mother in England. For a holiday. It will be good for him to have a few weeks to chill out. And good for the kids to see their grandparent, even if she has dementia she is their grandparent, and might not live long. Explain you can get cheap tickets. They can travel on Australian passports for a holiday. Don't make any decisions about the future of your relationship, or your living arrangements. You are very tired, and anxious at the moment. If you are currently committed to coming home, it's not abduction. Buy a return ticket. If your relationship changes whilst you're in England, deal with it then when you and the children are in England. See what he does/says. Discuss. But for now, put aside the questions and doubts about your marriage. Just focus on getting yourself and children a chance to see your ill mother. Make it clear to yourself, friends and your DH that you are planning a holiday.

Coercive control is not a crime here yet (I wish it was) but emotional and financial abuse are. OP you need to get in touch with your local DV organisation and they will help you. You can also get a half hour of free legal advice which DV people can help you with too. 1800RESPECT will give you the name of your local help. Please call them, they are there 24/7.

I'm in the reverse position, an Australian seeking to leave the UK and return to Australia with my DC. My STBXH has agreed and is willing to sign the agreement.

From my consultation with the lawyer - the easiest way is with a voluntary agreement. It is better to NOT declare that he is not mentally stable, because if he's not mentally stable he is unable to give you permission to take the children away voluntarily.

The children need to be settled for 12 months in the country before you can't be forced to return straight away. It is on application of the parent that you can be made to return. Australia as a country has no interest in making you return to Australia. They will, however, prevent you from leaving the country if you don't have the requisite permission to travel.

If you separate in Australia, and your ex DH has nothing to do with your DC then you are more likely to be granted permission to take your DC away. However even if he sees them just occasionally, you are not likely to get permission to take your DC out of the country until they are old enough to decide themselves.

You are definitely entitled to Medicare even as a temporary resident due to the reciprocal arrangement with the UK.

The reciprocal arrangement covers emergency care only.
You can only take the DC out of Aus on British passports if they entered on them, ie date stamped entry and appropriate visas. If they entered as Aus citizens on Aus passports they need to exit on them.
His signature on the "permission to travel letter" needs to be witnessed by a Justice of the Peace or similar, so no good doing it when he's visibly stoned.

If the kids are Australian citizens then they won't have valid visas in UK travel documents and will have to travel on Aus passports. UK entry is allowed visa free with Aus passports, so no need to apply for British passports.

In 23 years of travelling alone with my babies and children I have never once been asked for a "permission to travel" letter and I don't share a last name with them either.

Your residency situation is confusing to me. I had several different visa status' before I became a citizen and all of them allowed me access to Medicare. If your husband and children are citizens then what is the hold up on your citizenship? Are you legally settled at the moment? if you don't have your documents in order you will be pulled up at immigration and that could cause you huge problems especially if you're trying to "sneak" out of the country.

The reciprocal arrangement covers everything (my family are on temp visas, well actually leave to remain now while we wait for PR). We have a bulk billing doctor and dentist for the kids, a bulk billing doctor for the adults, so only a gap on dental.
OP doesn't automatically get a visa as the spouse of an Australian. She is waiting for her PR application to be approved. You can apply for citizenship after a number of years residency, it keeps changing...

I am confused by PP saying they have a bulk billing dentist for the kids, and a "gap" for the adults, because Medicare does not cover Dental at all (except with some Chronic medical conditions)
Do you mean the School Dental service (varies by State but usually between ages 5-16 only) ?
Or are you talking about your Private Health Cover (which I don't think OP has)?

There is some dental on Medicare from 2 years old for low income families.

If you are in NSW contact the women's legal centre
www.wlsnsw.org.au/legal-services/
Or the equivalent in whatever state you are in.
Contact Medicare as a British citizen you may be eligible for a Medicare card under a reciprocal agreement with the UK. I had one many years ago.
Do contact Centrelink as they can put you in touch with charities in your area that can assist with food parcels and money for paying bills. There isn't social workers in every Centrelink but you can talk to them on the phone from your closest one. When you approach Centrelink try to ensure you have ID for all family members . They may also be able to help with you accessing Family Tax benefits that your family would be entitled to as your partner and children are Australian citizens.

OP, if he's a potential danger to himself or others, have a read of this: www.sane.org/mental-health-and-illness/facts-and-guides/involuntary-treatment

It maybe that he meets the criteria to be removed to a treatment facility which will leave you able to safely plan and do what needs doing. I would imagine you would then also have his mother's support if he's really unwell.

Be strong OP but please be careful and try not to announce your intentions too early for your own safety.

I'm just confused, if you've been with him for 17 years and his kids are 13 and 11 but they aren't yours, how would this be possible? Sorry if I sound stupid.

Hope you get back here to the UK safely.

Apologies in relation to my previous post, I got things wrong.

I don’t know where in Australia you are, but I had a quick look on Expedia and you can fly Sydney to Heathrow for less then £400 each - much more affordable then £1kpp

400gbp will be roughly $800

People looking up flights for the op, I know you mean well, but you are posting in POUNDS. Op will be paying this end, in dollars and it almost doubles the cost in dollars. So 400gpb = $800. 1kgbp = $2k

What is you current visa status? You should have been able to apply for citizenship by now. Op isn't a permanent resident so cannot apply for citizenship.

So this happened to me in Australia too. Go to court, it’s free if you have no income. Explain the situation to the judge who will ensure you don’t get any no fly orders slapped on you. Are you on an old 457 ? If so tye employers have to pay for your return to the uk if you request it

Just FYI you cannot access family support even if the kids are passport holding Aussie’s, they have to claim themselves and wouldn’t be able to do, non Australians cannot claim. Been there tried that

Ignore above you’ve got permanent residence - go to tye centre link office and sit there until they sort all this out.

I really feel empthany for you, I'm an aussie, I don't really have any advise for you but I just jumped on to centerlink to see if they might be able to help you more. I've attached a link I hope its helpful.
www.humanservices.gov.au/individuals/subjects/payments-visa-holders

Talk to your friends, especially the one who has community support connections. Speak to the Consulate, they probably won’t be repatriating you, especially when you don’t have permission from either the courts or your H to remove your children but they should direct you to helpful local organisations.

Child abduction is a serious matter, Ex threatens me with it from prison where he was serving time for DV. I had to make an application for sole custody (and they don’t give those out lightly in the country where I live) to remove my need for his permission or, the uncertainty of asking the courts. You have no idea what he would or wouldn’t do and you don’t have the best track record in predicting his behaviour.

It’s time to get your ducks in a row and that most certainly means you need to stop pretending to the outside world that things are OK when they are bloody far from OK!

You are not responsible for your H behaviour but to move forward, you do need to own the series of poor decisions you made that got you here. I’m not trying to be mean but moving to a foreign country with a man that has a history of violence and substance abuse, was not a wise decision. Getting out safely and without possible legal ramifications will take time, a lot of effort and public exposure to your family situation. There are no quick fixes on the horizon.

Given the situation you have been living with for so long, I have no doubt that you have the tenacity and willpower to improve your current circumstances but your embarrassment about where you are is a hindrance to the secure future you crave and deserve.