My life is a complete mess...I'm terrified, trapped in another country

[AjasLipstick]

I am going to leave a fair bit out because it's identifying and also because it's so long....and I can hopefully reveal details to people as we go.

I'd really appreciate some ongoing support...I need an escape plan. I have to get out of Australia with my two kids. DH is Aussie and I'm British. We came here 3 years ago. I don't think he'd stop me leaving but i have NO resources because I don't have full citezenship yet...I'm not entitled to any government support at all. I work freelance and we live semi rurally....I basically manage to earn the eqiuvelant of about 200 quid a week as a freelancer. We get one lot of government "family money" which DH has in his account and used for rent. HE earns sporadically but has always more or less kept us ok. I have tried and tried to get jobs but I can't drive and there's nothing here.

DH has basically lost his marbles. Mid-life crisis with tinges of mental breakdown...his mental state reminds me of someone in mild phsychosis.

He's paranoid then normal....he smokes a lot of weed and has done since he managed to stop alcohol five years ago but though it helped him give up, it's triggered mental illness.

Kids are 13 and 11. Beautiful kids and he loves them so much and they him but he's a bastard anxiety inducing mess and I realise now that he's also probably the cause of my older child's anxiety.

Basically he's given up his job to "decide what he wants to do...and what "path" his life should take"

He said the other day 'I want to live with you but to remove all the weight of responsibility and ownership..."

He expects me to stay here in this rental with him....oh and I'm not allowed to ask questions about how he's planning on earning a living because it puts him under undue pressure.

My Mum in England has recently been diagnosed with a life limiting illness and I am meant to go to visit after Christmas because MIL has offered to pay my ticket but frankly I'm scared to leave the kids with him.

I have one or two good friends here in Oz but haven't confided in them as they're having their own problems at the moment.

I feel robbed. I feel like if I do manage to get together and get us out to england my poor kids are going to have so much adjusting to do.

He used to shout and scream a lot years ago but that's stopped now...but I feel like I have been so stupid. :(

Do the DC have separate passports. Would you take them out I can a British one?

I'd go so far as to forge his signature on a letter of permission just in case it's necessary. You really need a return ticket to carry out that plan smoothly though. Would they be likely to call him to double check I don't know?

Obviously you'd need the money first. Is there a family car that could be sold and be handed over the day you leave? Even if it means a night in a hotel before getting a flight next day. I know you've said there's nothing but sometimes it's staring us the face and we can't see it through the stress.

A woman was jailed recently for taking her DC to another country, even though she said she was in fear of her partner but if you do feel there's a real risk, you need to do everything necessary to get out.

Can you speak to the local police and say that he's behaving strangely and you are in fear of him for yourself, your DC and himself? Would that be a route to him being forced to see a doctor? Even him saying that he'll blow his brains out is enough to say you're concerned for his safety? The risk is of course that 'embarrassing' him could make him turn on you. Better off getting out by any means necessary.

Could a crowd fund page not be set up without publicising who you are in this situation?

Sorry - would you take them out on a British one.

Yes FGS don't leave DC with him to be sent over later. Don't leave them with him alone at all.

My understanding is that she is seeking support, not that she is trying to secure a criminal conviction. Coercive control only bacame a criminal offence in the UK a couple of years ago. Not that long ago rape in marriage was not a criminal offence.
None of that means that women affected by emotional abuse, sexual violence within marriage did not get the support they needed.
Refuges have always catered for women who had no documented proof of physical violence.

If you have a Webcam and some spare time, even late at night, you could get work teaching English online. There are several Chinese companies, or for example, Cambly.
Are people saying that under The Hague convention you would have to return the kids to Australia even if your husband doesn’t make a request? That seems odd. Your older daughter will soon be 14 and can choose for herself at that point - Madonna’s son did this a few years ago to stay in the UK, regardless of previous arrangement and residence.

I'd go so far as to forge his signature on a letter of permission just in case it's necessary.

Please can we stop suggesting the OP commits a crime that puts both her and her children at unnecessary risk?

MissMalice I know, it's ironic, given that the one suggesting fraud is the one suggesting we all stop giving bad advise

Discouraging the OP from seeking refuge or expert consulate advice is dangerous to her and her children.

Earning money for tickets would be very slow. She needs out of there before it deteriorates into a reoccurrance of physical violence.

Article 13b of the Hague convention makes exceptions for grave risk.

Here’s what I found about The Hague:
Applications for the child’s return

Once an application for the child’s return has been made, Article 12 of the Convention instructs the court so long as the application is made within 1year of the child’s removal, to order the return of the child.

If more than 1 year has passed, the courts shall still order the return of the child unless the court believes that the child Is settled in the new environment.

Reasons for not ordering the child’s return

Art 12- Return of the child may be refused if the application was made after a year has passed and the child is now settled in the new environment

Art 13(a)- Application may be refused where the person who had custody of the child was not actually exercising their rights over that child (e.g. Parental responsibility) at the time the child was removed

Or Consented to the removal

Or subsequently accepted the removal

Art 13(b)- Return will be refused if there is grave risk that returning the child would expose the child to physical or psychological harm or place the child in an intolerable situation.

Return may also be refused if the Child objects to be being returned and is of an age and degree of maturity at which it is appropriate to take their views into account.

Make sure you keep any documents regarding your child’s anxiety and also all other relevant information.
You won’t need a UK passport for the kids if they have valid Australian ones to travel. If you can get your husband to agree to them traveling and write a letter then you should be OK.
If he doesn’t apply within a year then it isn’t going to be a straightforward return and once they are over 14 the children get to choose.

She will need to PROVE grave risk.

Just to add if you do feel that he is having a MH breakdown, there must be some emergency services you can access. Its Australia, there's got to be something. Obviously people in MH crisis won't realise that's what happening. They need those around them to act for them.

You must confide in your friends if it is serious enough that you feel you and your DC are at risk from him and they can offer a place of safety until you can figure out where to go from there.

thedukes I have not said anyone has given bad advice .

MissMalice in desperate situations, we can be forced to do desperate things. Only the OP knows how desperate her situation is. Its not up to you to say what advise other posters can give.

Why don't you learn to drive

In the UK you can apply for indefinite leave to remain on the basis of domestic abuse. I don't know if that's offered in Aus but it would be worth finding out.

in desperate situations, we can be forced to do desperate things

Oh well yes, crack on then, I’m sure those words would be some comfort when she’s 10000 miles away from children who have been taken back to Australia because she broke the law.

OP is he sectionable do you think OP?

It would help all round if he got some treatment.

I second the idea of a crowd funding page. Good luck.

Snow will they ask for the dc to be returned even if their Dad doesn't make an application?

Look at what bank your account is- some of them do one of payments for people trying to get out of DV situations. It's been advertised a bit.

be careful whatever you do, you must get some legal advice

Is there any kind of women’s aid out there?

Mate, when you are safe, call 1800 Respect for advice. That's the national domestic and family violence hotline. They also make the Daisy app, which lets you search for local support services without leaving a browser history.

Delete call records and browser history that you have made so far. Turn off location services and consider buying a cheap mobile, so you can be sure he hasn't loaded any key tracker apps during a paranoid episode.

Stay safe.

This any good?

https://www.dss.gov.au/sites/default/files/documents/032016/englishhfamilyviolenceeandpartnerr_visas.pdf

Are you on a partner visa? If so, you can get help to leave him in Australia. Call 1800 respect. They will be able to advise you.

A letter of permission to take children abroad is not a legal document *MissMalice. She is hardly likely to be forced to travel and leave her DC at the airport if she's rumbled. She's already aware of the risk of action if she doesn't return them and the father wants them back.

In a situation with an unstable husband exhibiting psychosis symptoms, addicted to cannabis, inducing an anxiety disorder in his child, making comments about blowing his brains out and who had shown he could be violent previously, I would do whatever it took to remove myself and my DC far away from the situation if he wouldn't get help. Severe financial issues and the fact that OP has no option other to rely on him due to her legal status aside.

In that situation I certainly wouldn't stay in it, and expose my DC to it, and be at the mercy of someone exhibiting worrying MH symptoms, for the sake of not having a permission letter!

OP doesn't have to take heed of any advice. It was just an option.