Red flag or normal expectation?

[itsnotafishicecream]

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

red flag- sorry way too emotional and demanding for me. I dont like men that throw hissy fits and start to shows sign of as best being needy at worst being controlling.

He doesnt sound great but you clearly arent ready for a relationship is all im getting from this.

worried can you explain why you think that?

interested as i do feel ready for a relationship but i do not want to end up with the wrong person so trying to take things slowly.

Oh dear lord! Leave him be...move on!

The red flag is that if he is not happy with your boundaries he should be able to discuss them in a rational manner with you. Silent treatment and temper tantrums means this is a guy to be avoided.

Red flaggggg

There are two parts - is this is a red flag? His reaction doesn’t sound good and he doesn’t seem in control of his emotions so I would say yes this is warning sign of sorts and at this stage I would be wary about continuing.

The second part is whether you are being reasonable with the limited time and not staying over etc. I don’t think this is actually about being reasonable - it is simply what you need to do to be comfortable and get to know someone and you have been upfront about that. It is slower than most people would be used to and lots of people if they like someone will agree upfront and then maybe feel a bit frustrated when they experience the reality of it. But the thing is that you are implementing these checks and balances to get to know someone properly before you get too involved. So given that I feel it is a bit slow (just based on my own experiences and possibly age and stage of life etc) I would be ok with the man pushing back a bit but he would need to do that in an honest and upfront way and have the emotional intelligence and maturity to discuss it with you as an adult so that you could see if there was flexibility to work towards what you both want. The reason for going slow is not to “play hard to get” etc as you rightly said - it’s to give it time for someone to show you more aspects of himself before you fall for him. It will weed out the men who get angry and have controlling tendencies which is what you want to achieve. And this seems to have weeded him out. Which is a shame if you thought it was going well.

But boundaries can be difficult and we have to accept that if we put them in place some people won’t like them and the consequence may be that you can’t be with them. You didn’t need a man who accepted your boundaries and suppressed his own needs - you needed a man who respected your boundaries and then told you in a respectful mature way what he needs so that you could work together to figure it out. He didn’t and probably can’t.

Tbh why the hell were you introducing him to your parents let alone taking him there to stay? He probably took that as a sign you were willing to get more serious.

You set out your personal boundaries from the beginning and let him know exactly where he stood.

He's not respecting those boundaries and either sulks or gets nasty when you try to reinforce them.

I would say those are big red flags.

I can understand him feeling messed about, however I think you are not ready for a relationship. If i had sex with a man then he decided to go home at 2am to come back in the morning that would make me rethink the relationship as being just fwb.

It seems he wants more from the relationship and your not ready for it so best to end it before it ends in tears

i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from),
This is a red flag, yes, being jealous and accusing you of cheating in some way before he's even in a proper relationship with you. He seems to have issues.

He sounds awful, but I'd agree with others that you aren't ready for a relationship. For one thing, your boundaries, and your idea of 'taking things VERY slowly' seem to me all over the place. You've been 'dating' this man for ten weeks it's not clear from your OP whether this is even exclusive or not but you've been sleeping with him since the start, and are spending most of every weekend with him, and he's not just met your parents, but has been to stay with them along with you.

By virtually anyone's standards, this is not 'taking things very slowly' at all -- this is a gallop, but you say you're not even sure you want a relationship at all...?

I'd end things with him, and focus on establishing much better boundaries before you start another relationship. He sounds like a nasty piece of work to me, but it is conceivable, I suppose, that he's just baffled by your idea of 'taking things slowly'.

Perhaps he thought going to stay with your parents (pretty full on!) was a sign that you were ready to move things forward. Despite you being clear you wanted to take things slowly, maybe he saw that as mixed signals.

I'm not condoning his behaviour - him calling you up and saying nasty stuff - I think that's a real red flag.

The stropping is a red flag but I also think you are sending out mixed signals. You want to take things very slowly, yet you slept with him early on and you’ve introducers him to, and let him stay at, your parents’ house. I don’t think either of you are suited tbh.

thanks for the posts they are interesting to read.

i agree with the poster about staying with family - that was decided as we wanted to visit the area but i appreciate the way it appears to him probably didnt fit the lets go slow mentality.

im just not sure what to do as i was shocked by the way he totally changed minutes after seeing my family and then said such horrible things.

i thought staying over every weekend at 2.5 months was reasonably fast paced. it is interesting to hear that this seems slow to most people.

You are in a relationship OP, but don't want to be. It sounds as if despite your intention to take thingsslowly you didn't stick to your own boundary- you got into a sexual relationship with him, introduced him to your parents. Time to end it, because he wants more than you can give.

i've definitely given mixed signals haven't i.

we have been exclusive since about week 4, because he gave an ultimatum that either we were dated exclusively (no label of a relationship necessarily) or he didnt want to date me at all. i liked him so i agreed to that but reiterated i wanted things to be slow.

i thought staying over every weekend at 2.5 months was reasonably fast paced. it is interesting to hear that this seems slow to most people.

No, people aren't saying this. They're saying that you SAY you wanted to take it slow, but your behaviour (sleeping with him and staying over from early on and spending most of the weekends together and staying with your parents together) is pretty fast by most people's standards. You have some unusual ideas about what cosntitutes 'taking it slow'.

he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week

You made it clear this was how it was going to be, right from Day 1.

i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time)

This would irritate me a bit if it was consistent, but is a relatively small problem, certainly nothing to get worked up over.

we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff

Walking off is a red flag to me. Then further calling and being even more nasty is a BIG red flag. These are signs of someone who cannot deal with someone standing up for themselves. If he respected your right to your opinion, he would disagree but then talk it over with you. Instead, when you disagreed with him, he maintained control over the situation by abandoning you, rather than risk his perceived position of authority by losing the argument to you. Not only that, but he then had to shore up his ego around possibly coming off worse by calling you and insulting you further over the phone.

upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

So... no responsibility taken for his own actions? Do you see how everything that happened here is stated as being your fault? YOU "don't care" so HE got angry. YOU "should want to stay the night" but YOU don't, and so HE'S upset.

This, again, shows someone who is incapable of being an adult and dealing with people in a rational fashion. No self awareness. No control. Lots of blame being flung at you.

I'd have serious second thoughts about this, especially coming out of a bad relationship. This guy doesn't seem like a great fit for what you need right now. I'm not saying LTB, but at the very least you need to have a sit-down conversation where you point out that your boundaries are YOUR decision, not his, and he doesn't get to tell you what you do or do not do. Ever. He can ask you to do something, and you can agree or refuse. He doesn't get to wheedle on at you, and he certainly doesn't walk away from you in the street or hurl abuse down the phone.

Tread carefully and be ready to drop him if needed.

I went for ONE DATE with my OH and was already in love with her by then the (we knew each other before as we volunteered at the same place). We were totally full on committed from the start. Because it was what we both wanted and we were ready for it. You are not ready and I think you should end it and focus on yourself and building friendships for a while.

Tbh I think the red flags are coming from you and you’re a game player.

So you tell him you want to take things slowly because you’ve had past bad experiences. He’s not responsible for your past so if you’ve not been able to move past that yet then you’re not ready for a relationship anyway. But that aside, you then sleep with him and go home at two in the morning giving him the impression that you’re only in it for the sex. Then you take him to stay at your parents giving him the impression that maybe this is more serious after all. Yet you’ve not had him round to your own house but introduced him to your family and even had him stay over there? WTAF? And then to top it all, having had a nice weekend he asks if you’re staying at his that night to which you respond no and again the past comes out.

If this was a woman writing about a man she’d be told to run a mile.

You need to get some counselling to come to terms with your past before entering into another relationship. And tbh I doubt he was that nasty, probably just understandably frustrated. No-one likes game players.

But meeting the parents isn’t taking it slowly is it? That’s a relationship thing. Leaving in the middle of the night and never being sure of your plans is annoying too.
However stropping off isn’t good either. You don’t sound suited or at the very least you are not communicating properly.

Red flag! You made your boundaries clear and he hasn’t respected them. No point being with someone like that. You will be walking on egg-shells worrying about making him angry again.

I agree with SummerGems you are the one with the red flags.You are messing him about and he is becoming emotional.

This relationships is already getting toxic. Leave it and work on yourself.

I don’t see walking away as stropping off. It’s understandable frustration at someone who wants things all their way and who plays games to get what they want. It would frustrate the hell out of me and if I were him I would have ended the relationship by now.