Red flag or normal expectation?

[itsnotafishicecream]

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

I think you've given him mixed signals definitely. And if someone shagged me and then went home at 2 am, I'd be thinking the same. He also could have communicated better with you. If he's not willing to go at your pace, I think you need to end it.

Remember why you chose to go so - so you can avoid getting involved with people who weren't right for you - you did well - your strategy worked - now you have had a chance to see what he was like before getting too involved and as you don't like what you see you can leave. And yes, big red flags!! xx

Let's turn this around ...if it was a bloke and he wasn't committing to staying over night - "maybe depends on what happens /am meeting a mate in the pub "........????

I think I see what's going on here a little differently to most - the OP isn't confused or playing games, she is someone who is very poor at being boundaried. Her previous abusive relationship will have pulled apart what boundaries she had. Now she is trying to boundary-set, and then this man pushes, and her boundaries collapse.

For instance, he was a bit sexually pushy, and so she slept with him before she was ready (not going slow), but then felt that 'need to go slow', so exited at 2am. Rather than exiting when he was pushing for sex.

He wanted exclusivity at 4 weeks (so having met 4 times?), and she agreed as it was an ultimatum - exclusive after 4 dates again not being my idea of 'going slowly'. Whereas a boundaried person would have said, 'well, I'm sorry, I'm not ready for that commitment', and would have walked.

So I agree, OP, that you aren't ready for a relationship - not unless you can be boundaried and be confident in doing that. That means not telling someone you have just met about your abusive previous relationship - they are a stranger, so don't trust them with your past to that extent. You don't even have to explain you want to take things slowly - just take things slowly by using your own boundaries and assertiveness.

As a general rule, if you are explaining your boundaries to someone, you are not having them! It is often better to think of boundaries as limits on your own behaviour, rather than another person's. That way, you are safe whatever anyone else is or isn't doing.

This current relationship is a mess: he's shown his controlling nature already and OP's boundary-fails in the face of that haven't helped because they have given mixed messages. I think this one should be chalked up to experience, and time to move on to something happier

I think you need to revisit what "going slow" is. That sounds incredibly fast to me. I wouldn't want to spend every weekend with someone after a couple of months or let them near my parents

We have been exclusive since about week 4, because he gave an ultimatum
Despite you saying you wanted to take things slowly, he gave you an ultimatum when you could have only even seen one another a handful of times.

He said that you wander off to text people behind his back
He is already trying to control your behaviour, isn't he? In any case, why shouldn't you text other people whenever you want to?

Titanic red flags. End it asap.

Seems like your behaviour has been a test to see how much he likes you. Abused people often push others away to see how much they "prove" how much they like them by their behaviour. I think you need to work on your boundaries and not keep chopping and changing them. His behaviour and attitude are red flags but he's right to feel pissed off at the mixed messages. No you can't come to my house, no I'm not staying over (but I might) but come stay at my parents for the weekend. And then to call him a monster when he calls you on your bullshit? I'd have walked off too. You might not think you're playing games, and you might not be doing it deliberately, but you ARE playing games.

I don't blame you for taking it slow. You are entitled to that and you shouldn't be admonished just because you didn't know instantly that you wanted to move in together.

You have sent mixed signals though. The parents thing is a big step in a relationship.

His reaction is not okay and is a red flag. Normal people talk about that. They don't react like he did.

I think you need to walk away. At the very least because he wants more than you give right now. You shouldn't feel pressured to give him more. It should happen naturally. You still need to take your time, make sure the person you date is someone you can trust and be carefree around. Don't involve parents until you're really sure about someone 😊

Op he is giving off massive red flags. He’s moody, and trying to control you

Those saying the OP, is giving mixed signals, well yes, but this man shouldn’t be behaving as he is.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread. But just wanted to say this is a massive red flag - very similar to a previous relationship I was in. Only now i'm out of it I realise how wrong it was.

I got out because it escalated to the point I called the police to remove him from my house one evening after we'd had a date where he turned nasty on the way home. I knew it wasn't right, despite what he was trying to make me believe.

And I have since met a lovely man, and the thought of him being like this - which he absolutely wouldn't - has made me realise how awful this man was!

One piece of advice I'd give is don't reveal to a new man that you have been in an abusive relationship, have low self-esteem etc. You're revealing your hand to the sort of man who preys on such women. Unfortunately there are men out there who target women like this because they are easy to manipulate and they can make them doubt themselves & exert control.

If someone shows you their true colours, believe them.

Your boundaries and wanting to come home at 2am etc all sound quite hard work, but I agree his behaviour would concern me too

I think you're messing him around, the relationship sounds totally on your terms.

Meeting family, sleeping together, spending every weekend together are all very "serious relationship" things in my book. I've been in serious relationships for over a year without meeting a partner's parents.

You then turning around and insisting on pretty arbitrary boundaries is, of course your prerogative, but must be quite confusing and hurtful for him. I'm not surprised he's reacting badly.

I think I'd be pretty pissed off if someone left at 2am having slept with me, wouldn't commit to a next meeting up time, was unsure about being monogamous after sleeping together and then confused everything further by taking me to their parents.

Perhaps if we knew what nasty things he said to you, we could judge him more easily. Calling him a monster is a strange thing to say, sort of theatrical.

Staying at your parents is a big deal however, especially as you are so secretive about your own home, he must feel a bit confused.

Sorry but you say you want to take things REALLY slowly yet 2 months into a relationship you stay over once a week and he stays worth you at your parents . That's screams mixed signals to me .
I wanted to take things very slowly with my DP .
2 months into the relationship we were just dating / meals / cinema/ long walks ect . Getting to know each other ?
A year later I met his parents and about 14 months before he stayed here ( I do have children though ) .
You should be enjoying the early stages of a possible new relationship getting to know each other still not arguing in the street .
If he's like this now with his personality too I'd run a mile anyway .
You both sound hard work tbh .

One thing I’m seeing from this thread is that people can play games even if it’s not on purpose (like the op). But realising that has made me feel more sympathy for someone who I thought was playing games with me

You're sending very mixed signals and it seems like it is all on your terms. You introduce your parents but don't want to invite him to your home. However, having done all this, I think you can also see he has the potential to be jealous/controlling. At best, your expectations aren't similar.

After two months, having an argument which results in him crying, all the drama, it isn't worth continuing. IMO.

But we only have the OP”s word for saying he was moody and nasty. And now that isn't enough? Why?

SummerGems has knocked it outta the park on this thread and I agree with them completely. There are red flags all over this situation, and they’re coming from you. And your responses don’t seem to show any understanding or acknowledgment of what everyone is saying about your behaviour!

I remember the first night my OH and I slept together, he got up to leave, it made me feel like absolute shit. Sleeping with someone new for the first time when you have actual feelings for them can leave you feeling a bit vulnerable and desiring closeness and cuddling. He thought he should leave as he didn’t want to be overbearing and make me feel pressured to have him overnight so it was with the best of intentions as he didn’t want to put me in the awkward position of wanting him to leave and not being able to say it. So I just asked him if he wanted to stay, and he was relieved to! If he’d have left I’d have felt terrible and it’d really have clouded my view of him and where we were potentially going. I’d have felt used and like he was just interested in sex.

Your poor date, he must have no idea which way is up with you. Like people have explained, you’re sending totally mixed signals. Meet the parents and stay with them but don’t spend the night with you. Sex is fine but sleeping over isn’t. He’s probably had enough of being held at arm’s length. I’d have ended it a few weeks ago in his position, you’re lucky he’s still interested! You’re actually really abnormally and forcefully stunting the development of this relationship and it’s all on your terms.

Your boundaries and wanting to come home at 2am etc all sound quite hard work Heaven forbid a woman should want to impose boundaries after just 10 weeks of a relationship she was forced to commit to.

The ultimatum
The constant badgering to stay overnight
The accusations of texting behind his back
The sulking
The nasty phone call
The emotional blackmail (tears etc)
The accusation of not caring - blaming op

The above breakdown is classic cycle of abuse.
The biggest red flag here is him rushing her into committing to him.

Anyone who thinks he is the "poor" one here, needs rethink their own boundaries/ideas of relationships.

Op's "games" are probably her instincts warning her to back off and those instincts are not wrong.

Those of you who think op HAS to/should stay overnight after sex...what happened to consent/free will? Op is allowed to leave. She is allowed to say she is staying, and then change her mind. You think op "owes" him a sleep over because they had sex? What twisted fucking logic are you all working with??

You are happy for a vulnerable woman to stay with a man who is trying to coerce her into staying at his after giving her an ultimatum to be exclusive after TEN WEEKS...

www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

Quick involvement
A victim often has known or dated the abuser for a brief period of time before getting engaged or living together. The abuser will pressure the victim to commit to the relationship. A victim may be made to feel guilty for wanting to slow the pace or end the relationship

Unrealistic expectations
An abuser expects the victim to meet all of the abuser's needs, to take care of everything emotionally and domestically

Blames others for feelings
An abuser will use feelings to manipulate the victim. Common phrases to look for: "You're hurting me by not doing what I want." "You control how I feel."

you’re lucky he’s still interested Op, you're really NOT lucky he is still interested. My god, what kind of message is this?

You could do so much better. Ten weeks is NOTHING, and you certainly don't owe him anything!!

I actually think you sound very controlling. I'm not surprised he's getting irritated about everything having to be on your terms. I mean, fine, have your terms, but don't be surprised if you don't find anyone to fit in with them. V mixed messages from you.

If you are even asking about red flags, it's not a good sign. Even if it's just annoying behaviour rather than anything more sinister, you are not suited to each other.

You dated for a couple of months, you are not happy, it isn't working out. Time to move on.

Just to clarify a few things...

The first time we had sex I left shortly after and saw him the next day for breakfast. I just didn’t want to wake up at his house.

Since then and for the last few weeks I have stayed over one night each weekend.

I have made it clear that I don’t want to meet in the week.

He has met my parents because they live near him - no he didn’t have to meet them and I agree it was a mistake, but it was more through ease of being able to see them and him given that I life an hour away and they live within ten mins of each other.

I accept and can see that I have sent mixed signals, although stand by the fact I have tried to take it slow and been told repeatedly by him that he’s not used to women wanting to go this slow and he doesn’t think it is normal after two months. We have discussed this calmly and rationally and he usually says that it seems longer than two months and forgets that it isn’t.

I was more concerned with the pressure there seems to be on extra nights and the accusation of messaging and so on. I am confused about whether he is being too much or I am not understanding that things should move faster.

Regardless of the fact that we are not on the same page, I am trying to see generally if my pace is a strange one and whether I shouldn’t still be seeing someone after two months if I am still unsure. Maybe that isn’t fair. But I wasn’t sure (although I liked him) and just wanted to see how it went!

I think this is a red flag regardless of whether you were giving mixed signals. The red flag isn't the fact that he wanted to clarify your relationship or that he wanted to see more of you. The red flag is the way he went about it.