Red flag or normal expectation?

[itsnotafishicecream]

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

He did over react but that may be because your behaviour frustrates him. I agree with others in that you have a strange idea of taking things slowly. You sleep with him quite quickly and spend most of the weekend at his, now he meets your family. Perhaps you are treating him as you have been treated? He obviously feels messed around and you are clearly not ready for a proper relationship.

He sounds a bit unstable, but you had sex with him and then left him and went home to sleep? If someone did that to me I'd feel a bit used tbh.

And I'm not excusing his behaviour there- I'd run a mile lol

I am trying to see generally if my pace is a strange one

It definitely is strange to have such a hard and fast set rule that you won’t see him during the week or let him go to your house, while sleeping with him early on and introducing him to your parents.

You can stipulate whatever you want re dating him and he can choose whether it’s worth it to date you. From the recent argument it seems pretty clear the pressure is getting to him and he’s not happy with it despite trying his best to go along with it.

It’s very odd to be happy enough to have sex with someone, with all of the risks that come with that (no form of contraception is 100% and not all STIs are prevented by condoms) yet not happy enough to sleep over after. If it’s a case of not wanting to wake at his house you could have stayed together at your place. I’d feel very used if a guy refused to let me go to his house and only ever came to mine, shagged me then got up at 2am to go home. You’re treating like him a fuck buddy while expecting him to play nicely when meeting your parents (!). Bet he doesn’t know which way is up with you.

Men! If you like them they can't be bothered, if you don't throw yourself at them they are all over you. He showed you a red flag issuing ultimatum at the start. He's not just keen he's controlling. Move on.

How is it an ultimatum? He said to OP he was only interested in continuing to date if they were only seeing one another. After a month what’s the issue with that? I swear if the genders were reversed everyone would be fine with a woman telling a new guy after a month that she only wanted to continue to invest if they weren’t seeing other people at that point. OP could have walked away. Why should this guy keep dating a woman who might still be seeing others if that’s not what he wants?

I phrased that badly actually. It is technically an ultimatum. But it’s not a bad thing. You could really say just as equally that he was stating his own needs/boundaries and letting OP know if they didn’t work for her he would walk away. Which is exactly the sort of healthy boundary setting people should be doing in a relationship! It’s odd how people are trying to frame that in a negative light.

100% what ChristmasFluff said.

OP, I don't think you're game playing at all but I do think you've fucked up a bit with the mixed messages. I can see why he's frustrated if he's really into you, however, I also think some of his behaviour is pretty questionable and he's displaying a number of red flags. The accusing you of texting people behind his back for example. That's not on. He's feeling insecure because of your behaviour but that still doesn't mean that he gets to sulk, storm off, say nasty things or mention your texting habits. You've only been exclusive for 6 weeks for goodness sake! You should be enjoying yourselves! If it's this hard work this early on then I really don't see where this relationship can go. I think you're incompatible and agree that you don't seem ready for a serious relationship yet.

He’s pushing boundaries and that’s not good at all. You are not very good at putting boundaries in place which makes him twice as bad for you.

You are a few months into a relationship which already has a toxic dynamic. Cut your losses and break it off, this will cause you a lot of heartache and damage in the future. Just move on before you’re both invested even more. I honestly cannot see this going well.

I think he's gotten mixed messaged. Why would you be allowing him to stay over your parents? That's a bit much for a slow taken situation.

Regardless of mixed messages - which I agree maybe is the case - I am just shocked by the outburst and the accusations and way he managed the entire situation. All he had to do was speak to me calmly about it

I think that people are focussing on your behaviour because it dictates how reasonable he was to be upset.

You haven't actually told us the sort of things he said to you or the language he used so we can't really give you any insight into how problematic his outburst was.

It sounds like you're "just not that into him" so I'd call it quits. You seem to be holding him to an impossibly high standard whilst excusing your own behaviour.

The things he said were: I walk off to call/text to avoid him seeing, I’ve messed him around by not having definite plans (despite making it clear I can stay one night a week but beyond that it’s not what I want and difficult anyway logistically), I always find an excuse not to go into the shops together (not a clue where this came from), he’s not used to women not pushing for things to go faster and he’s sick of feeling like I’m not bothered.

All of this was because I said I couldn’t stay Sunday night with him after spending all of sat and sun together.

The argument escalated after this as I defended myself and he said other things that I haven’t listed here as they were likely said in anger.

Those aren’t really ‘nasty’ things though. They’re not criticisms of you but of the way you are behaving. It’s reasonable to outline behaviour he finds problematic.

Why did you call him a monster?

This clearly isn’t the right relationship for you. But sometimes having had abusive relationships can make a person feel that any criticism is a personal attack and it’s worth thinking about that for when you meet someone you really like and want to have a relationship with.

What were the things he said ‘in anger’. You are responding on here as though those tings don’t matter, but how someone chooses to respond when they are angry is important.

I think it is nasty to suddenly accuse me of messaging people and suddenly tell me i engineer situations so I don’t go into shops with him, and tell me I am messing him about simply because I confirmed I couldn’t stay Sunday night with him. IMO.

I am focusing on his reaction because things can be said in an argument that aren’t necessarily meant. These comments he did mean.

I called him a monster because he started saying all this to me in the street moments after he had left my family and been so utterly pleasant. It shocked me.

It’s not normal to say things that you don’t mean though. I never have.

No, but I didn’t want to complicate the post by going into the rest.

I’m bothered by the initial reaction first and foremost.

But you agreed upthread that you maybe were messing him around. So him telling you that you were messing him around was just ... accurate.

As for him bringing up other things that had also bothering him about your relationship at the same time - I think that's pretty normal. Sure in an ideal world arguments would be confined to the issue directly at hand, but in the real world people bring up other things that have been weighing on their minds when they fight.

That’s true. Maybe I am being too harsh about the situation.its difficult to hear accusations like that when you’ve done nothing wrong and I’ve taken great offence to that, maybe unfairly.

But you did do something wrong - you messed him around. You seem really keen to see his faults but not your own.

I can see my faults but I said repeatedly that I didn’t want to be spending more than a night a week together for the foreseeable future. I even said to him that I understood if that wasn’t enough and he wanted to go separate ways.

His reaction to me saying I wasn’t staying in Sunday, regardless of his reasons, has made me very apprehensive towards him. I don’t want to be accused of those sorts of things because I have declined an invite to stay over. I also don’t tbink those things are warranted simply because I had given mixed signals, especially on the back of me saying I couldn’t stay over. Why not bring it up with me before if he thought I was messaging other people? Why did he even think I was?!

You want different things. You seem very strong about keeping boundaries so I think you need to draw the final boundary and end it.

Good god you sound like hard work.

You play games, mess him around, want everything on your terms and then start playing the victim when he calls you on your behaviour. You’re the abuser here. He should run a mile.