Red flag or normal expectation?

[itsnotafishicecream]

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

You have been waving multiple red flags at him and he's waved a couple back.

I would have walked away from someone who slept with me then went home wanting to come back the next day, messed be about so I couldn't plan my weekend as I didn't know whether they were coming or not, were consistently late because I was low down on their priority list and called me a monster if I mentioned their behaviour.

But then I'd walk away from someone early in a relationship if they accused me of texting someone else and said nasty things to me (although the things he said didn't seem that nasty to me).

You're better off apart.

I was trying to give something a go and see if feelings develop rather than going with an immediate spark.

There’s probably an intermediate point between going only for immediate lust/spark and still hoping it’ll develop after 10+ weeks though.

Yes probably but then you hear of things progressing after say 6 months or a year.

I was trying to be more open minded I suppose.

It just seems that you are not going at a pace natural for both of you. I think he’s feeling at your beck and call, and that you call all the shots.

It might be just mismatched, he wants more. Talk to him.

Do you like him or love him? Can you see yourself in a committed relationship? That’s probably more useful than looking for red flags, which after one argument is not a good indication.

I think they are more plain old friendships that progress rather than dating with no spark and suddenly finding one after a year.

You spoke your ex into life whilst you are potentially in a new relationship, and said how you were 'because of him'.

Thats always a red flag to me as I don't do penance for the behaviour of exes. Maybe your man felt that way too.

You want the relationship all on your own terms.

In this man's shoes I'd think I was being used by you for male company whilst still not over your ex. You sound as if he's on trial for your exes actions - but he's not your ex and doesn't even know him.

I don't like the sound of his emotional outburst and on that basis Id call it a day anyway.

Maybe you could take a break from relationships for now, do some work on self and then go into a new relationship without the spectre of your ex hanging over yours and partners' head.

Ok there are two totally separate things going on here. Let’s be clear :

1. you’ve been giving him mixed messages about what you want and where he stands.

2. his response to this shows that he can flip into nasty mode at the drop of a hat, that has shocked you and made you reappraise what you think of him - as it bloody well should do.

Ultimately 1 would be solvable if it wasn’t for 2. 2 is NOT a good sign and tbh I would end it with him because a man with a nasty streak like that is not going to get any better in time.

I just don’t think the accusations he hurled were relevant and/or justified on the back of me saying I can’t stay Sunday night.

You are entirely right about that. It would be reasonable for him to say “I don’t like this, this isn’t what I want” or even “I feel like you’re messing me around”, if he does. But it is NOT reasonable to throw that kind of a strop in which he accuses you of sneaking off to text other people, and ‘further nasty stuff’ which you don’t even feel comfortable saying here. And then to cry and tell you he obviously didn’t mean any of the things he said to you. Many many red flags there, especially that early in a relationship.

You don’t want the same things he does so he wouldn’t be a good match for you anyway. But even if you did want the same things, he would not be a good bet.

I think I’ve just felt it all a bit too much. He texts constantly and if I reply and then say speak tonight or later, half an hour later he messages again! I mentioned this before nicely, and he said he just misses me.

I find it all too much. I’ve had relationships where I’ve messaged loads throughout the day but this is constant from him and really off putting. I liked him so it’s frustrating I suppose. But the constant need to be in contact really turns me off. I feel bad for saying it

Don’t feel bad for saying it. Own it. Best case, he wants a lot more text contact than you do; worst case (and more likely given his previous actions), he wants that AND will flip out that you don’t care about him/are secretly texting other men if he doesn’t get it.

The thing is we we spoke every night for an least an hour. It wasn’t as if I didn’t speak to him or make an effort. It’s just weird in my opinion to need constant contact all day everyday. Especially in the evenings - I can’t watch tv for more than half an hour without him messaging again, knowing we agreed to speak later that night. I just don’t get it.

Listen to your instinct OP. You’re not comfortable with texting all day. That’s ok. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re feeling obliged to do things that make you uncomfortable.

I don’t know why it makes me uncomfortable though? Am I weird? Or being strange about intimacy?

Look, the most important thing to know about relationships is that there’s no objective ‘good’ way of behaving or standard you have to live up to. When you’re looking for someone to have a relationship with, it’s about what feels right to you. You’re supposed to be enjoying yourself !
You’re not weird or being strange about intimacy. You’re just not feeling ‘it’ with this guy. You enjoy spending time with him but what he wants in terms of contact etc isn’t what you want. And that’s perfectly ok on both sides.

In short - there doesn’t have to be a red flag for it not to be working for you. It’s ok not to have any reason at all. You don’t need our permission or his permission or anyone’s permission to end things.

That would do my head in, especially if I'd already mentioned it.

I think this is a red flag.

You just have different preferences for contact than he does. Neither of you is wrong about contacting the other. You’re just not compatible.

I think the fact that you aren’t confident in your own approach to it (and relationships in general) really tells you that you’re not ready for a relationship right now. Maybe taking some time to figure out who you are and your own preferences, expectations and boundaries (not those based on trying to avoid your previous experiences) might be very useful.

Because you should be able to say: I prefer to speak on the phone later in the evening and don’t want to message on and off all day. Other people might do things differently, but it doesn’t mean you are ‘weird’.