Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Red flag or normal expectation?

166 replies

itsnotafishicecream · 03/12/2018 10:21

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 03/12/2018 12:21

@ SummerGems , you're not taking into account the fact that he

1] got moody initially when she refused to stay over
2] accused her of texting people behind his back
3] abused her on the phone after he walked off
4] when he comes back he is not only crying, but blaming op for not caring
5] say's he didn't mean what he said, then finished with "but you should want to stay over"

busybarbara · 03/12/2018 12:22

You both sound very incompatible, end it now. You’re both throwing hissy fits over minor differences of opinion and you don’t sound ready for a full on relationship either.

PolkaDoting · 03/12/2018 12:22

It’s fine that he is not happy with how the OP wants the relationship to be.

His immature and nasty response is not fine.

differentnameforthis · 03/12/2018 12:24

The only thing the op should want to do is what she wants to do.

She doesn't feel comfortable staying at his for the night, she felt comfortable at her parents because she wasn't alone with him. He is Mr Charming in front of her parents and as soon as they are alone, he is going off again with the wanting to stay over.

SummerGems · 03/12/2018 12:24

But we only have the OP”s word for saying he was moody and nasty. Given that the OP thinks that playing these games (and it doesn’t matter what the motivation is,it’s game playing) is perfectly acceptable behaviour I don’t think that she’s a trustworthy source of knowing how he really behaved. Chances are he just got frustrated at being played with, who wouldn’t.

But because the OP feels the need to justify playing with this bloke’s emotions she needs to justify being annoyed when he rightly reacted.

Honestly, if this was a woman posting the same About a man people saying he’s an abuser would be telling her to run.

velourvoyageur · 03/12/2018 12:24

he suggestion would be that she was the OW and that he probably had a wife at home.... But no, a woman posts the same

To be fair though you'll get very different reactions depending on whether the info on the person being discussed is coming from a first-person or secondhand account. No one is suggesting that the OP is married because it's very unlikely she wouldn't mention that if it were true, not because she as a female poster is being given inordinate benefit of the doubt.

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 12:33

Even if OP has been a bit weird about things, his reaction still makes me think he has issues. I had a brief bf who was very dodgy - I think he has a load of women he flirts with - but I still didn't walk off, say nasty things etc. We weren't married, just dating, so if there was anything I didn't like, the answer was to stop dating, not to attack his behaviour.

10 weeks in and you've got tears, then it's not working, for whatever reason.

velourvoyageur · 03/12/2018 12:34

They would probably say 'run', yes, but only because it would seem that he's not that into her, not because they'd be picking up on abuse. Which is quite true, as she's not into him in the same way he's into her. He's using his own strength of feeling as the measure for whether she has feelings for him at all. If hers don't match his, he seems to be instinctively interpreting that as evidence that she doesn't care at all. He wants all or nothing. That's fine (who does want to be in an imbalanced relationship?), but he shouldn't be having a strop about it.

llangennith · 03/12/2018 12:34

He's not the right man for you OP.
Give dating a miss for a while till you've worked out what you want from a relationship, and what you are prepared to put into it.

ravenmum · 03/12/2018 12:39

I'm almost 50 and have no clue what I want from a relationship; is it really such a bad idea to just try some out to help work out what it is that you want? Theory doesn't work so well for me Grin

Mishappening · 03/12/2018 12:40

You have entered into a relationship with someone who has different expectations from you. It is something that all relationships have to handle constantly. It may be he is not the one for you, as the expectations are too far apart. Or it may be reconcilable - only you can decide. But I do not think it means he is some sort of bad person, or inappropriately controlling. You are just a long way apart on this particular issue.

TwiceMagic · 03/12/2018 12:44

Of course he shouldn't have a strop about it and treat the OP badly. That is definitely a poor reaction and an indication that this relationship is going nowhere.

And the OP is perfectly entitled not to want to stay over. But it is going to affect the relationship and communicates something about how she sees it.

But the thread title does ask if his expectations are normal. And, yes, it's pretty normal to assume that if someone invites you to stay with their parents (especially when they live close enough to their parents for lunches and coffees) to think this means the relationship has moved on.

So, beyond ending this relationship (which would be the right thing for both of them at this point, I think), the OP does need to really carefully think about whether she is actually ready to be in a relationship and the effect that seriously mixed messages is going to create for anyone.

It's really a red flags all round situation, and the OP can only really address the ones she's flying.

SummerGems · 03/12/2018 12:50

@velourvoyageur no-one has suggested that the OP is married. But if a woman posted here “been seeing a man for ten weeks,as yet he hasn’t wanted me to come over to his, is regularly late for dates,has sex and then goes home at two in the morning,” people would be saying that he was the unreasonable one. Even if after staying with his parents the OP had walked off when asking if he would be staying at her’s only to be told no people would still be saying that he was the one in the wrong.

velourvoyageur · 03/12/2018 13:01

Summer
My point was that if someone is talked about in the third person, you assume very different things about them than if someone is talking about themselves. The reason people aren't levelling those sorts of suspicions at the OP is not because she's a woman, but because she is giving a first-hand perspective and we don't expect OPs to tell massive lies. The parallel we should be looking at to see whether double standards apply here is imagining that he's the one posting here from his point of view, and I think in that scenario people would very likely suggest that she was hiding something at home i.e. exactly what they would say about a man.

swingofthings · 03/12/2018 13:18

You made your position clear but that doesn't mean he has to be happy with. If my OH had acted like you are when WE FIRST MET, I ould have felt I secured, used and inevitably this would have turned into anger.

Your behaviour seems logic to you because it suits your needs, but having sex and then saying good bye and I'm not sure when I'll next see you, might stay over might not, will see how I feel or if something better comes along, is quite disrespectful in my views and I agree that if a man behaved this way he would be considered a player. How would you feel if after sex as you're cuddling and falling asleep, he told you to go home because he wants his bed for himself?

If you are not prepared to show a bit more commitment not to your relationship but to your time together, I would end it there or he will start doing the same anyway.

HereIgoagainxx · 03/12/2018 13:27

I'm going against the consensus because I think the relationship seems totally on your terms, OP. I understand him feeling messed around.

Alfie190 · 03/12/2018 13:30

Neither of you is coming across particularly well. You are playing games and I think you enjoy calling all the shots.

CarolDanvers · 03/12/2018 13:44

I got quite annoyed and impatient reading your OP, with you. I'd be hurt and frustrated if a man I was seeing and really liked was behaving like this and I don't really blame this man for being fed up. Very mixed messages and it's all about you and what you want isn't it? That said, a healthy way to deal with you would probably be to be straightforward and say, "look what do you actually want? Because this isn't enough for me". But we don't all behave perfectly at all times do we.

christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 03/12/2018 13:52

Red flag!

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/12/2018 14:08

Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me.

To

he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this

This jumped out at me. I agree that the dynamics have been mixed messages, but the Dr Jekyll / Mr. Hyde performance is the reason to RUN .

It leaves the possibility open that all of his nice-nice to date has been an act. Ten weeks in....get on your knees and offer prayers of thanks to whatever higher being you believe in that he revealed this so early.

UnicornSlaughters · 03/12/2018 14:29

Poor guy.

TwiceMagic · 03/12/2018 14:32

I'm not sure it's as simple as that. The whole sentence is:

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there.

So the OP actually called him a monster for explaining the ways in which he was sick of being messed around. And he walked away, having been told he's a monster.

Also the list of 'nasty stuff' given is:

'I only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back'

So not personal attacks, but behaviours he finds problematic. The 'more nasty stuff' may well have been much the same.

SummerGems · 03/12/2018 14:37

Quite. And nowhere does the OP actually give any details of where this bloke has been a monster, more that he walked off after the OP’s name calling and being fed up at being messed around.

TwiceMagic · 03/12/2018 14:45

Obviously we don't know. But by the OP's own account, she is the only one that's been doing personal attacks and name calling.

It may be that the OP's history means that she interprets any criticism (however focused on her behaviour) as 'horrible things' and 'nastiness'.

TwiceMagic · 03/12/2018 14:48

Note to OP: that does not mean I think you are a 'bad person' or anything. Just that, on what you've posted here, I really don't think you're emotionally ready for a relationship.

If you've had horrible, abusive relationships in the past that have destroyed your self-confidence, you may just be overly sensitive to any 'criticism' and feel that it is inherently 'horrible' and 'nasty'.