Red flag or normal expectation?

[itsnotafishicecream]

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

Fair enough. I think that’s a bit harsh but that’s why I posted - to get views!

itsnotafishicecream

Given your relationship history, it may be that the way you approach relationships and intimacy is not straightforward - so, yes, that accounts for the mixed messages.

However:

Given your relationship history, you may also have a predisposition to choose men who are abusive in some way.

Sending mixed messages and choosing an abusive partner are not mutually exclusive, and, in fact, will often go hand-in-hand.

My sense is you need to pull back entirely, and get to work on finding out why you make the choices you do - not so much in terms of how you behave with someone new, but in terms of the men you choose in the first place.

When and if you're able to make healthier choices when it comes to your significant other, then I have a feeling that you'll have no need whatsoever to get up in the middle of the night and go home.

I think you’ve done the classic thing after a bad relationship of enforcing extreme boundaries. Which is why people are saying you aren’t ready for a relationship

You should be able to trust someone and let yourself go when you have healthy boundaries. You can’t right now, you are not necessarily judging what’s in front of you (boundaries in place), you are judging him on other people’s behaviour and so you can actually never have a good relationship with him

He might of course, not be worth it and be a dick but you have to be able to judge it on his behaviour, not someone else’s

The reasons are complex and debatable but the solution is clear. You are not on the same page (or even close) and are not good for one another.

It is 2.5 months or a couple of handfuls of dates and shags....just end it.

I think you're keen to blame him and see red flags OP. His behaviour wasn't great but it seems like you've messed him around and I'd be really unhappy in his situation too.

Meeting parents is a massive thing for most adults, I would only do it in a very serious relationship. At the same time you're not sure about him staying at yours/You seeing him more etc. Seems very controlling behaviour by you tbh.

Think carefully about how you treat people.

I would find your behaviour very hard work - especially the mixed signals.

If someone I was dating slept with me then fucked off at 2am, I would probably be quite upset! I'm surprised he agreed to see you for breakfast - that would be it for me I'm afraid. That's the kind of behaviour normally reserved for FWB or ONS.

The staying every weekend but not midweek is pretty normal I think, especially if you live an hour apart. But the the strict insistence on never staying more than one night is a bit odd really. I could understand if you had pets or DC to get home for but it seems you're just drawing a boundary for the sake of it - almost to prove to yourself that you can?

I also wouldn't be introducing someone to my parents in that timespan! My parents didn't even know my husband existed after 10 weeks of dating! On one hand you're wanting to take things slowly but yet you introduce your parents and invite him to stay the night! It's like you go from one extreme to the other.

His reaction wasn't brilliant but I'll be honest and say your behaviour would confuse and upset me. He probably thought you were becoming more serious once he met your folks, and then you go back to wanting space and not wanting to stay the night five seconds later. He was all happy and wanted to spend the night with his girlfriend and it seems like you threw it in his face and said no for completely arbitrary reasons.

I think for both your sakes you need to split up. You're not ready for a relationship.

Big, BIG red flags from him. As for you, I think your approach to relationships and intimacy would confuse a nice, decent person and make them feel a bit shit.

If you are taking things really slowly you don’t invite someone to stay at your parents house overnight. When he tried to address the mixed signals, you went on the defensive and called him names rather than have a discussion.

Doesn’t sound like you’re ready for a relationship at all, and he is looking for something more serious. However I will say the crying etc sounds like a lot of drama considering it’s early days.

OP ask yourself how would you feel if you were in his shoes?

The thing is 2.5 months is still early doors but you did introduce him to your parents which is a big no no if you are not serious about a relationship, which you obviously are not.

The thing is stop messing this guy around who obviously has issues of his own and move on as you are just not that into him. And lets face it he is not mentally stable enough to take it slow as he would prefer things to go his way and not yours.

But you are doing exactly what most men do in relationships when they are using you as second best.

No, he clearly likes you and although these are your boundaries they cannot stay like that forever. No one is going to put up with that for long. He's probably wondering whether you actually like him and is feeling emotional. He may have just tried to put his feelings to one side and how he reacted may have just been a build up of things, he's not a robot. How would you like it if you really cared for someone and you could only see him once a week! Put yourself in his shoes. It sounds like you are not ready for a relationship.

I can see there have been mixed signals but I did explain the context earlier which explains why parents were introduced.

That aside, I actually don’t think it is unusual after ten weeks to spend most of Saturday and all day Sunday together, but want the working week to myself. I live over an hour away and have a busy job, so yes I do perceive that as unnecessary drama from him for saying I couldn’t stay Sunday night.

His comments about my phone and the shops (all crazy as they are untrue) came at a time he was annoyed I wasn’t staying. That to me seems manipulative, whether he feels messed around or not. I’ve dated him under 3 months, I think it is perfectly ok to not want to give up more than 2 days a week to someone. But it is interesting to read these views as I really had no idea how to take his outburst and I am trying to consider it differently.

fuddle if I really liked someone and could only see them sat and sun and wanted to see them more then I would definitely want to talk about it and it would probably make me feel insecure.

Would I accuse them of texting behind my back? No. Would I accuse them of engineering situations so they don’t go to shops with me? No. Would I understand that the distance is a bit of a trek and that they wanted to go slow? Yes.

I would certainly bring it up. But I wouldn’t do what he did.

I'm at the other end of the spectrum on this. Spending every weekend together to me seems like a lot. I wouldn't want to see a new boyfriend mid week and weekend after a couple of months. So I am with you.

But loads of people do want that.

So you have found the wrong guy, in any case, as you don't have the same expectations in terms of relationship development. He obviously wants to take things more briskly and you more slowly (the going home at 2am is a bit odd as others have pointed out but wanting mon-fri to yourself seems perfectly reasonable to me at this stage). Calling him a monster I imagine inflamed the situation.

Either way I would scratch this one up to experience. You definitely aren't on the same page.

But again you're acting like you've done nothing wrong/are justifying your actions but refuse to see that his (although not admirable) have come about due to being messed around.

Regardless of practicalities you shouldn't have introduced your parents after such a little amount of time if you had no intention of the relationship becoming serious. If he lives 10 minutes away from them there's absolutely no need for them to even be involved at this stage. You could have just spent the time with him and left your parents out of it.

I think his behaviour is a result of frustration - the whole thing seems very teenage. You won't stay over on a "school" (work) night, he has to meet your parents but you can't go and stay at his afterwards. He can't come to your house but you'll go to his but only on your terms, not factoring in what he might want.

You have such strict boundaries in place (although I don't know why they're so inflexible) that he probably doesn't see the point in talking to you because you seem hellbent on refusing to change or adapt. He's put up with what you want for over two months - why not try and be flexible and see things from his side for a while?

I see what you are saying. I just don’t think the accusations he hurled were relevant and/or justified on the back of me saying I can’t stay Sunday night.

I also don’t think it is teenage to want week days to myself when we live 1.5 hours apart. I think that’s sensible after knowing someone only a couple of months.

I also never considered it NOT potentially serious. But should you know that for sure by 2.5 months? Genuine question - I didn’t think so but maybe it’s unfair of me not to be sure yet.

In every relationship I’ve ever had, I’ve known it was serious (and would be long term) before 2.5 months in. In other situations I’ve seen people a few times but I’ve known within 2 or 3 weeks that it wasn’t going anywhere and ended it.

That doesn’t mean that I proceed(ed) straight to moving in/getting married etc. Just that I know/knew that it is/was going to be a serious relationship (and that he feels/felt the same). I knew that my current relationship was going to be a ‘proper relationship’ very early on.

Other people may take longer to decide. But if I wasn’t sure about someone after spending 10 weekends together, I’d know it wasn’t going anywhere.

It’s quite telling that you see spending time with him as ‘giving up 2 days a week’, and that you don’t want to ‘give up’ any more time to him. I’ve never felt that time spent with my boyfriend was ‘given up’. Quite the opposite. If I felt like that I’d be very clear that the relationship was not working and not going to go anywhere.

So, what I’m saying is, that I think you have known that this is not really the relationship for you but haven’t fully admitted it to yourself. You will probably find that you feel (and act) differently about everything if you meet someone who is right for you (at a time when you are ready to have a relationship with them).

It might also help to be clear (with yourself) about what you want. Are you looking for a serious long-term relationship, or just something more casual?

It’s fine to just want something light and casual with no expectation that it’s ‘going somewhere’. It’s just that you need to be clear about it yourself so that you can be clear with (potential) dates that this is all you want and are willing to give. There are plenty of men who’ll want that kind of relationship, rather than anything more serious.

And don’t involve your parents in a casual thing. It isn’t the length of time you’ve been involved that determines how ‘casual’ or ‘serious’ it is; it’s the intent.

I am looking for something serious but in the past family have commented that I write people off too easily and end up going for the sparks and the lust - although they were serious relationships, they ultimately ended so I thought maybe give something a go that takes longer to develop.

OK. So you want something serious. What does ‘serious’ look like to you in a relationship?

I ask because there are several different things that serious might look like, and it’s important that you’re clear about exactly what you want.

I’d get married within a year if it felt right. Id be prepared to re locate, if it felt right for us both as a team. Serious is building a relationship and including someone in your life and making them a priority where you can. It’s compromise.

That’s what serious looks likes to me, with a few practical examples included.

Sounds to me like you have again gone for the sparks and lust, but are attempting to counter that by occasionally remembering to put some distance between you. Like someone told you that you drive too fast, so now you have still gone racing off down the motorway at 100 mph, but then occasionally grab the handbrake :)

Serious is building a relationship and including someone in your life and making them a priority where you can. It’s compromise.

That’s a nice definition. You definitely didn’t have this with the guy this thread is about.

You need to find someone who makes you feel like prioritising them; not someone who makes you feel that you’re ‘giving up’ time to them.

His comments about my phone and the shops (all crazy as they are untrue) came at a time he was annoyed I wasn’t staying.

I dated someone not that long ago who called me crazy for pointing out he was regularly late and constantly on his phone. But they were true and I wasn't crazy.

They came up wrt you staying because they are other signs you're not that into him. And you're not. Nor are you ready for a relationship, so let him go.

shambu these comments were totally unfounded though because I have never wandered off to text behind his back nor have I avoided going into shops with him.

I agree the comments were obviously made following a feeling I wasn’t that into him.

I was trying to give something a go and see if feelings develop rather than going with an immediate spark.