Red flag or normal expectation?

[itsnotafishicecream]

I've been dating someone for 2.5 months. When we met I explained I had been in a horrible relationship previously and wanted to go VERY slowly with a new person. I have ended up seeing him weekly, (I drive to him as i am not ready for him to be at my house, although he has dropped me off there in the past). I stay over once a week and see him for some of Saturday and nearly all of Sunday, then I drive home.

From the beginning, my desire to take things slow seems to have made him very into me - obviously this is NOT what i was trying to achieve. It was never a game to me, just a genuine, honest desire which i was clear about from the start.

Up until yesterday, he seemed to be a very lovely man who was sincere and confident in himself, respectful etc, with the exception of one night when we slept together near the start and I wanted to go home to sleep at mine at 2am and then come back the following day to meet him - i just didnt feel ready to stay over and he went very quiet with me and moody. it quickly dissipated but i felt very uncomfortable about wanting to leave despite having made it clear that i wasnt ready to stay over.

This weekend, we went to stay with my parents to do some xmas shopping. Yesterday morning was lovely - he is very chatty with them, totally agreeable, affectionate with me. We then disappear mid afternoon to go to a dinner reservation for just us two.

Within minutes of us leaving my parents, he asked if i was staying at his that night (last night). We had previously left this as a "maybe" because i wanted to see what was happening today with meeting a friend and having some work done on my house (im a shift worker so had monday off). I said im still not sure as i hadnt sorted things logistically for monday and so probably not, but maybe we could try and meet in the day or evening or another night in the week. He said there was no way he could meet in the day, he was busy having carpets fitted which i was aware of, and that he was sick of being messed around, i only ever stay one night a week, i'm often late when i drive over (ive been half an hour late before and this is because im in traffic or have met my mum for a coffee and we have been tied up paying the bill - all text to him at the time), i wander off to text people behind his back (no idea where that one came from), he's sick of it.

so we are standing outside this restaurant we are supposed to be going to and i defend myself and say he is a monster going from being so pleasant with my family to this - he walks off and leaves me standing there. later he calls me and says further nasty stuff (which i reason is out of temper so i wont list it here) but asks to meet me - upon meeting he is in tears and apologises and says he is sorry he ruined the afternoon, i just dont seem to care that much and clearly he didnt mean the things he said, he just thinks i should have wanted to stay last night because the night we did share was at my parents house.

I definitely liked him but i wasnt sure about whether i wanted a full on relationship with him and i thought at 2.5 months meeting up at weekends was nice to see where it went. ive said this to him and havent hidden that i feel that way. i dont like feeling pressured by him to stay - but given my horrible past in relationships, is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag? am i missing a good man when i see one and are my boundaries too high, or am i am reasonable at this stage to want things to develop in a slow relaxed way?

even if i dont see him again, i would appreciate the perspectives on this in case i have begun to call something a red flag when it isn't.

there seems to be differing views as to whether i have caused this or whether it is a red flag.

i think perhaps the thing i feel most uncomfortable about is that i made myself really clear about only wanting weekends together at this point. i was ok with him meeting family and he pushed for sex (i wanted to as well) and all the while i said it would likely take me a while to fully settle into something as i would want to be sure.

if he had spoken to me calmly about it it would have been different. it was the moodiness and the accusations that made me question things, not his opinion or feelings.

Yeah I agree you've been sending mixed messages
It doesn't seem like you're ready for a relationship

Just for clarity, OP, can I ask what your notion of 'taking things quickly' or even 'at a normal pace' (to your eyes) would be?

is it ME being unfair here or is his behaviour a red flag?
It's HIM!
Quite a few red flags here already.
Don't contact him again.
Ignore, block and move on.
He is not caring or considerate at all.

It's not him it's you.

But OP you haven’t been consistent with wanting to take things slowly. One minute you’re going home at two in the morning and the next you’re having him over to stay at your parents. What’s he supposed to think? This is a one sided relationship where you are calling all the shots, it’s natural that at some point he’s going to become frustrated because he doesn’t have a clue where he actually stands in this.

Expecting him to be accepting of you taking things all on your terms is highly unreasonable. If the two of you are together then there needs to be some compromise. And at the moment he’s the one doing all the giving while you’re the one on the take.

If a woman posted here that she’d met a bloke, that he’d told her he had a bad past and that because of it he wanted to take things slowly which included going home at two in the morning, never having her over to his house ever but then suddenly she thought things had changed because he invited her to his parents for the weekend and then as soon as they left reverted to the “I want to take things slowly so no I don’t want to stay at yours tonight,” type what do you think the response would be?

I wouldn’t appreciate his reaction at all, and I would rethink whether I’d want to continue in a relationship with someone like this if it was likely to be anything other than a once-off.

However, in his shoes, I’d be frustrated too. It sounds like you want everything on your terms. You’re entitled to keep him at a distance and take things slowly, but your messages seem to be quite mixed.

Not wanting him to stay at your home is fine, but surely having him stay with your at your parents’ house is even more intimate? Having him meet your parents and then keeping him at arms length doesn’t make sense to me.

This is the 'honeymoon period', where he shows you his best side where he's on his best behaviour because he wants to impress you, it's not looking good is it?
He just sounds like a bit of a dick
I would drop him

Well it won't go any further if you don't let it naturally progress and start seeing each o the more than just the weekend will it.
Sounds a bit strange that he was crying and there is no way he should have phoned to say further nasty things to you, that's a red flag I would say but I do agree it doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship.

I think he’s not acting with emotional maturity but on the other hand this is very hard to do when you have so little control in a relationship, as he seems to have. I feel for this man as have been where he is, that awful place where you put up with a situation you’re unhappy with and want more as it’s that or nothing

If OP were game playing, what would be her goal? To try and get him to prove his investment to her? I don't see any evidence of her wanting that. I don't see what motivation she'd have to game play. He may be reacting to her behaviour, but her behaviour isn't necessarily unreasonable.
It can be the case that if you're not sure about a person, despite your best efforts to limit hurt feelings, you end up pushing and pulling a bit - but actually the OP seems to have been upfront and consistent from the start. The guy clearly likes her a lot more than she likes him and is finding that difficult to cope with. But if he wants her in his life, he has to accept how she is and what she feels. If he has the option of walking away, which he does, and if he nevertheless chooses to maintain contact, it is his responsibility to 'radically accept' the OP and her current intensity of feeling towards him. He cannot demand that she feel more for him.
Sulking and tantrumming is unattractive, undeserved and stressful for everyone - I hope he's made up his mind to keep those behaviours in check in future. It's good he's apologised.

In practical terms, I don't think it's a terrible red flag, it just shows that he's perhaps a bit immature in that he doesn't know how to deal with being the more invested one in the relationship. He doesn't like either of the available options on offer - either leave, or accept that this is how it is at the moment. He is trying to create a third option - that your feelings towards him magically grow to match his. He needs to know that that isn't going to happen non-organically. So I would reiterate the boundaries you set out at the start, and gently make it clear that you two are simply and blamelessly incompatible if these are no longer acceptable to him. However, if you both choose to continue things, he can't allow his disappointment/impatience to translate into anger towards you.

Or basically what Oranges said much more succinctly!

SummerGems

Exactly what I was thinking.

Run.

Cycle of abuse apparent already.

Calling you and abusing you
Apologizing in tears, but putting the blame on you "you don't seem to care"

I think he is far needier than what you need right now

You are messing him about and he is becoming emotional. No he isn't!! Crying after being abusive is classic to the cycle of abuse. Also see how he blames her, and doesn't even seem to care what she wants.

Sounds like his wanting her to stay over has become a thing for him. Why is he in such a rush for her to stay the night?

Also, she isn't playing games. She is having a relationship on her terms, and he doesn't like it. Sounds like he is very controlling and doesn't like it when things don't go his way!

I'd be very wary of someone who had sex with me then left, plus the never seeing their home would raise concerns

Like some pps I think you sound unready for a relationship

Red flags from both of you. End it.

I think he is far needier than what you need right now I think he is far needier than anyone needs. Why the rush for her to stay over? The demand to have more of her time.

Perhaps op was comfortable with him staying at her parents because she wasn't alone with him overnight.

I agree with those who’ve said that he hasn’t behaved brilliantly but actually it’s probably a (poor) reaction to the confusing way you’ve approached this.

Honestly, staying at someone’s parents’ is something pretty much everyone would see as a sign that you are really committed to a relationship. It’s way beyond simply meeting the parents, but making someone more a part of your family life. 2.5 months is pretty fast for this and one would assume it meant you were really sure about him. This is especially so when your parents live close enough that you meet them in cafes regularly, so there is no real need to stay over.

But, at the same time, you won’t let him visit your house. And you’re often late getting to his, sometimes because lunch/coffee with your mum has overrun by 30 mins. That’s not going to make him feel valued.

So, yes, his response may be a ‘red flag’ but you’ve been waving several ‘red flags’ at him too. It honestly does not sound like you are ready for a relationship with someone at this point.

My previous relationship was abusive. It was awful. And it destroyed my confidence. So I didn’t do anything until I was sure I’d worked on myself to the point that I was looking to start a relationship unimpeded by that emotional baggage. And it meant that when I met someone I was able to just respond to him and have a normal relationship with him.

I took him to stay at my parents’ house recently. And both of us knew that this was a reflection of quite how committed both of us are to the relationship. He had met them before, but at this point we’re both ready for it to be the kind of as-permenant-as-these-things-can-ever-be relationship that means you stay with each others’ parents etc. It goes along with having decided that we’ll live together once he’s sold his house (proving tricky at the moment) and such like. If I didn’t feel like this about it, there’s no way I’d have taken him to sleep with me in my teenage bedroom. My parents’ live hours away, but there are hotels etc. There’s something incredibly intimate about taking someone home for the weekend.

Good god. Only on mn can the woman be the game player and the man then accused of being the abuser when he quite rightly has had enough.

If a woman had posted here that she hadn’t yet been to her bf’s place after ten weeks and that he leaves the house after having sex the suggestion would be that she was the OW and that he probably had a wife at home.... But no, a woman posts the same and she’s perfectly reasonable and the man is abusive when he’s had enough of being kept dangling... okayyyy

Sorry but that reaction would have scared the crap out of me and I would definitely end things. It is only a sign of what is to come.

Whether there has been mixed signals or not, he is showing you how he deals with feeling insecure and not happy. He gets moody and nasty. Thats the red flag. Wanting to be with you more, thats ok in a normal relationship. Being nasty, walking off, sulking. Its not.

I lived with a man like that for 21 years. It only got worse, much worse.

If you want to continue, have an honest and open talk about the issues AND the way he behaved. But honestly, Id be making my excuses and step away (from experience).

I don’t think the OP is a ‘game player’ although her actions do achieve the same effect. It’s more that she’s not actually ready for what a relationship requires, rather than she’s intending to play games.

Regardless, it’s going to be a bit of a mind fuck for the boyfriend.

But, even so, he hasn’t necessarily responded amazingly. Perhaps because he’s aware that the OP is prickly, sensitive and requires careful handling so he hasn’t known how to respond until he lost it. That’s just speculation though and the only important thing is that the two of them don’t appear to communicate well.

I agree that you've been giving mixed messages which must have been very confusing for him.

However, you've learnt quickly how he responds when he's upset. He gets nasty.