Dating a man who shows signs of being tight with money

[Tightarse]

I’ve had three dates with a man I really like- good company, funny, intelligent, attractive. But ... he appears to have a slightly tight streak despite having a good job.

First date I bought the first round and third round of drinks at the bar, he bought the second. Second date didn’t involve spending money as we went for a walk. Third date he bought a round of soft drinks then we went to the cinema. He stood there motionless after two tickets had been rung up by the cashier. I then got my bank card out to pay for mine since he hadn’t offered. He still did nothing and I awkwardly paid for both after which he said “oh thanks”. He didn’t offer to buy any popcorn so I had to keep offering him some of mine and afterwards when we went to the bar, he asked what I wanted but seemed to be expecting me to offer (which I didn’t) and only got his wallet out when I made no offer of paying.

I do really enjoy his company and am more than happy to pay my way or treat a man on a date. But I don’t want to feel obliged to pay for a man as well as myself, i’m a single mum and can’t afford it. I don’t know if he is just not thinking or if he’s a tight wad with his own money. How do I find out which it is? And if he’s a tight arse, can he be changed?

He’s the first man I’ve really liked in ages who isn’t a player and appears to want a relationship. But the money business is just getting awkward now as he stands there not even offering his share.

What the hell? That's terrible! Why do you enjoy his company? I'd just be waiting for the next incident.

Tight people never, ever change. They're proud of it!

I still can't believe he didn't buy the first drink (though I'll get slaughtered by some on here for that.)

What a tight arse! Cinema tickets are expensive and he didn't even offer to pay half?!

He did ask at the bar on out first date and I said “i’ll get them” which I didn’t mind to be honest. I always feel a bit more confident if I’ve paid my way at the start.

But the tickets incident was really awkward. It surprised me because he’s such good company and i assumed as he had asked me, he would pay for tickets or at least offer even if we then went halves.

I wondered about suggesting going for a meal and see how he is over the bill. No way would I pay in full again for both of us. He will either offer to pay, offer to go halves or work out each share of our bill to the last penny. I like him but can’t be doing with a tight man.

He's a CF. You bought his cinema ticket? He took you for a mug. I'd have paid for mine and left him stood there. PLEASE stop seeing him. He is a player, of the cheeky fucker variety. He's not tight, he's a pisstaker who thinks others should fund him. He knows exactly what he's doing! He might also be the type who targets single mums because he thinks they are desperate and easier to manipulate into paying for his entitled arse. Every penny you spend on this guy is money you could use on your kids or yourself. People like this never change so it's not worth seeing them. Even if caught out, they'll grudgingly pay and then slip back into taking the piss.

STOP IT now.

No more dates. And get over 'being awkward' when people stand there expecting you to fund them. Honestly. Do an assertiveness course or something.

You owe him nowt. Text him, 'Hope you enjoyed your free round of drinks and cinema ticket, but you'll need to find another mug. I'm not interested in dating someone who expects to be paid for all the time. Goodbye.'

No, tight people do not change. This is who he is.

Why is your relationship bar so low here, your own boundaries I feel are way off.

I’d not want to see him again. I have no issue with paying my way during dating - I actually prefer it and always expect (and generally insist, early days at least) to go halves in restaurants, always buy the first round of drinks and so forth. But I also expect reciprocity and therefore for a man to say “I’ll get the next one” when I go to the bar, or “thank-you, I’ll get the interval drinks”, if I’ve bought the theatre or concert tickets or whatever.

There’s a saying: “mean with money, mean with spirit” and I believe that’s true.” Somebody like this is also likely to be miserly with their care, time and attention, the same values carry through.

You know he will have a mental tally of what you've spent and what he has. Can you live with that? How would you enjoy a meal with him, knowing that you'll either have an argument about paying the bill or you'll feel guilt-tripped into paying the whole thing? If you suggest a meal, he'll think you can pay for it.

And though a walk is nice for a second date, the fact he didn't even take you to a cafe or something (given he's got a good job) is very telling.

I wouldn't see him again. Meanness is one of the most unattractive qualities.

I’m assuming he’s British? I might concede him a little more worthy of actually having the above explained to him if not. Doesn’t mean it’s acceptable, just I know that the etiquette around invitations and paying and offering money are different outside of the UK.

I wondered about suggesting going for a meal and see how he is over the bill.

Don't waste your time. He'll expect you to pay for it, get up to go to the toilet at bill time, say he's skint, doesn't have his wallet (bet he has a phone with bank app, though), that he'll pay you back, all sorts. You'll wind up buying him a meal unless you tell him at the outset, 'It would be nice to go for a meal today but I can't pay for your share so you'll need to make sure you have money to do so.' and then tell the server you want separate cheques.

But honestly, take your kids for one instead.

I'd give it another date as you like him, but don't get your card out at all, if he stands waiting somewhere just prompt him 'it's your turn to pay' and see how he reacts 🤷🏻‍♀️ what's the worst that can happen

If you want to keep dating him, then next time, once the activity has been agreed, just causally say "shall we just buy our own; it's easier that way" and then just buy yours.

I like your idea of going for dinner, seeing how he handles the bill bit and deciding from there...
Everyone is saying to dump him but I guess attitudes to money is just one in s long list of parter criteria.. it really depends how he scores on other points and how inmportsnt you think each trait is!
They are right that people don’t change though, so if he IS tight and it’s critical for you, then just walk away now..

My dh is tight as h@ll. but he’s got other lovely traits so I ignore this and get on

I once went out with someone really tight. It’s not a nice quality. I remember we went out in a group of 8 and all more or less had the same things but he insisted one of his friends put it an extra £1 towards the bill as they had had extra chips or something. It was embarrassing and the final thing that just really put me off him.
That and he farted a lot. A tight fisted farter. What a dream.

First date, I paid around £8 more than him, third date I paid around £10 more than him. Not a lot in the scheme of things I know but it was the principle of him not getting his wallet out in front of a long queue of people. I paid thinking he would then give me his share but he didn’t offer it and other than a thanks, he didn’t discuss it or ask if I was sure.

I would like to be sure in my own head about this because he is someone really on my wavelength company wise. So I need a test after which I can decide not to see him again if necessary as no way am I being treated like that again when it’s time to pay. Any ideas?

Give him one more chance if you want, but as grey suggests above, really put him on the spot. If he dodges again, bin him. That's the reason he's available. He's a well to do cocklodger.

Go to the cinema again! Then it super easy to play the "It's your turn" card since it's the exact same date.

Don't say anything before hand, get to the counter and ask for the tickets then just stand there. If he pays, then you know he's realised it's his turn. If he doesn't then say "it's your turn; I got the last ones". Make him pay and then either have a conversation about it or make that the last date.

So I need a test after which I can decide not to see him again if necessary as no way am I being treated like that again when it’s time to pay. Any ideas?

Why do you need a test? Why can't you communicate with him? 'Look, I've noticed you duck out of paying your fair share. It's not on and if we continue to see each other it's with the understanding that we each pay for ourselves.' Although, honestly, why is your bar so low? His behaviour is areshole-ish. And this is the best it's going to get, when he's on his best behaviour. This is who he is, he's shown you that 3 times now.

"I would like to be sure in my own head about this because he is someone really on my wavelength company wise".

Why is this guy at all on your wavelength company wise, this really does show that your boundaries are way off beam here. He sounds too like the latest in a line of crap relationships which makes me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Consider finishing with him now before you get ever more poorer and over invested.

I was ready to come to his defence as a fellow tight wad. However, he is taking the biscuit. I wouldn't buy popcorn at a cinema but I wouldn't eat someone else's!! Get your own mate.

The drinks you could let go- You might never come out even if you're drinking an odd number of drinks. But it's just good manners to at least roughly try to pay 50%. I'm quite at men insisting on paying for things (and women expecting it!) But he has basically become the other side of the coin in this. No ta!

I can't decide if I would give it one more chance or not. Maybe, but with it in mind that it's likely to be a "test " He fails.

You do not need to test him, you just need to get rid now before you spend any more of your hard earned cash on him.

He's not a player and seems keen on a relationship? Well he would be if you are alwasy subsidising him. I think that's a player of a different kind.

Is there any way he might have thought you had asked him to the cinema? In the sense of "let me take you to ..,"?

Do you earn shedloads more than him?

If the answer to both these are no, then please do your dinner test and report back.

My DP is tight on some things but not on others. It's irritating day to day but I'm a bit spendy and he is a big saver so it works out ok.

I dated a mean guy for a while. I dumped him in the end because it builds resentment. He was wealthy, didn't have to work full time, but allowed me to pay more than my fair share despite knowing I was in financial difficulties.
It was little things "Why don't you pick up some food for the journey? Those m&s snacks are really nice!" I'd buy the lovely things. Then when it was his turn, we'd get whatever sub was on offer at subway that day. Eating out was always a bloody subway. I'm not a teenager.
I now date someone with naff all, but he's generous in time and attitude. We can't afford grand gestures and meals out together, so the pressure is off. We just enjoy each other.
I definitely say move on. If this is what he's like when he's trying to woo you, imagine what he'd be like in a year.

Oh god, just dump the fucker. Anyone who stands there with a hopeful look on their face when they're told what the bill is, is really bad company. The fact you think he's good company says more about your standards.

And I do think if he has a good job and you're a single mum that at the very least he should make sure you're not paying anything towards his night out.