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Original poster

Dating a man who shows signs of being tight with money

176 replies

Tightarse · 02/12/2018 14:17

I’ve had three dates with a man I really like- good company, funny, intelligent, attractive. But ... he appears to have a slightly tight streak despite having a good job.

First date I bought the first round and third round of drinks at the bar, he bought the second. Second date didn’t involve spending money as we went for a walk. Third date he bought a round of soft drinks then we went to the cinema. He stood there motionless after two tickets had been rung up by the cashier. I then got my bank card out to pay for mine since he hadn’t offered. He still did nothing and I awkwardly paid for both after which he said “oh thanks”. He didn’t offer to buy any popcorn so I had to keep offering him some of mine and afterwards when we went to the bar, he asked what I wanted but seemed to be expecting me to offer (which I didn’t) and only got his wallet out when I made no offer of paying.

I do really enjoy his company and am more than happy to pay my way or treat a man on a date. But I don’t want to feel obliged to pay for a man as well as myself, i’m a single mum and can’t afford it. I don’t know if he is just not thinking or if he’s a tight wad with his own money. How do I find out which it is? And if he’s a tight arse, can he be changed?

OP posts:
5fivestar · 02/12/2018 20:59

LanaorAna2 - totally agree my ex husband is cock lodging again .... you have to be quite on your guard

AnotherEmma · 02/12/2018 21:02

"A lot of men today are remarkably relaxed about being 'kept' in a way that women would cringe at. Women are still paid much less."

Hear hear.

iLoveFoood · 02/12/2018 21:05

Maybe he thinks you have more money than you do and thinks a cinema ticket or two wouldn't break the bank and doesn't need to be discussed

But at the same time If he was a gentleman he would of at least asked 'are you sure? Oh I'll get you back!' But he didn't.

So either he was a reeeeeally laid back attitude to money or he is a tight arse

Stingy bastard is what we'd call them here Grin

Coronapop · 02/12/2018 21:06

If he is like this at the start it will only get worse. Cut your losses and move on.

Monestasi · 02/12/2018 21:09

I would rather pay the cinema tickets of ten girlfriends than that of the man I was on a date with.

And if awkwardness deemed I did pay, I would not be seeing him again.

It’s cheapness of character, not the tenner for the ticket.

I wouldn’t bother again OP.

Neweternal · 02/12/2018 21:09

Yes a lot of men are stingy! I have friends from school with very little they still don't rip you off and pay their way, insist on it! A lot of men are stingy, it's not an accident! What about the men who insist on buying you a drink even if they're not finished theirs! It's a CHOICE this man is making!

Coronapop · 02/12/2018 21:12

If you bother going for a meal (personally I wouldn't), then 'forget' your purse and see what happens. Is he one of those guys who gets by on charm and sees a single parent as an easy target?

Livpool · 02/12/2018 21:17

Ugh that would be a deal breaker for me. Being tight over money is just awful - I also think it is a control thing

LegoAdventCalendar · 02/12/2018 21:22

A lot of men today are remarkably relaxed about being 'kept' in a way that women would cringe at. Women are still paid much less.

Yes, but at the same time, there are plenty of women who enable them. I mean, look at the OP. He stood there and she just paid up instead of saying, 'I don't have enough funds to cover both of us'.

It's never truly skint people who behave like this, either. When I was on my uppers, I just wouldn't go out to anything that cost money. I'd make up some excuse and suggest something like a walk or a picnic or museum that had free entry. I was too embarrassed to admit I was brassic so I'd decline such invites.

Flaffable · 02/12/2018 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenaDove · 03/12/2018 00:57

" While your date is paying, I assume you are sat prettily, with full make up and a nice dress and heels?"

Ha. If a woman turned up on a date with no tights or trousers on showing off unshaved legs some men would be the first to complain.

And although i agree with the 50/50 thing you find most men have a memory lapse in this area when it comes to childcare or paying for childcare.

HelenaDove · 03/12/2018 01:02

I agree with @AnotherEmma

eggncress · 03/12/2018 01:22

If this is him on only the third date, when he should be on best behaviour, what does the future hold?

Could it be he likes to watch you squirm?

HelenaDove · 03/12/2018 01:22

1 My ex would time me in the shower only allowing me THREE MINUTES maximum (worried about his water meter)
2 i was round his late one night and when it came for time to take me home we found his sisters car which he had borrowed had been broken into,drivers window smashed glass everywhere both big shards and very small ones.I couldnt believe what he then said.
"well it will be a bit cold but i will brush the glass of the seats and drive you home" He actually expected me to risk sitting on broken glass rather than fork out for a taxihe insisted he had no money i only had 10 pounds to my name until payday. It wasnt until we went to the cashpoint i found out he had 700 pounds and it was only 4 days till his next payday.He begrudgingly lent me 30 pounds for a taxi after i phoned the cab company and got an exact quote from them and yes i paid him back.No way could we drive around in car with a smashed window.Police might have thought my ex was the one who pinched it and it would have caused complications getting the crime number which you need for the insurance payout.Oh and it was November so it was cold
He refused to by a present for his brothers 40th not even a cheap bottle of plonk even though i offered to go halves yet he insisted on going to the party
He saw a duvet set in my catologue that he fancied so he asked me to order it and he would pay me back when it was delivered.
On the day it came i met him for dinner and took the duvet set with me and instinct told me to take the invoice as well.I gave him the set we went and sat down and i asked him for the money so i could pay off the invoice.Every time i asked he kept changing the subject and this went on for a good hour and a half.In the end i had to put the invoice in his lap.
The straw that broke the camels back in the end?He invited (insisted) that i pop round three days before Christmas and didnt tell me he had a really bad tummy bug and then he CRAP**D the bed I KID YOU NOT.He said he thought it was safe enough to try and fart HIS WORDS I went down with said bug on the Boxing Day.I was absolutely furious.I ended the relationship on New Years Eve.
Incidentally he would NEVER buy groceries at all unless he knew i was coming over 1 packet of pasta 1packet of pasta sauce 1 bottle of diet coke and garlic bread.One time i was too ill to go over and he had a right go at me cos he had already bought this stuff. He did deliveries for an Indian takeaway five nights a week and they gave him a free meal to take home every night.When i pointed out this was bad for his health he just said "Its free.
In the summertime i used to buy ice cream and leave it in his freezer.I gave up on this after a while as he would just let the electric run out and the ice cream would melt. One time i was getting out of the shower at his one NIGHT and the electric just went off and i nearly slipped.He would only get a tenner out of the cashpoint at a time but then would get the car out to take the five minute drive to the cashpoint every time he needed more

There was also a time that he refused to go out and buy more toilet roll when he once ran out when i was over there and told me to take my Imodium so i woudnt need to go.(i suffer from IBS) I sincerly hope that no woman ever has children with my ex.It would be a pass port to poverty. I will NEVER tolerate a tightwad again.

DeadDoorpost · 03/12/2018 01:24

I remember the first date DH and I went on. It was to the cinema. He cycled there, then bought his own ticket, don't think he got any snacks. I bussed, got my ticket and then snacks. He didn't offer, I didn't expect him to.

It was also his first ever date. He's a very good saver. Would say he's slightly tight. But more than anything, he doesn't know how to act on a date and he's totally different to me. He prefers tap water because it's free and I like soft drinks. I also like to snack during movies while he doesn't really but will help himself to mine if I get some.

I genuinely think it's down to how he was brought up. But then he's also very very odd. Possible ASD. Just doesn't occur to him. He'll also stand at the till for a bit before he pays. I just think it takes a while for him to process having to spend money.

He's 30 btw.

itsfuckingnotducking · 03/12/2018 04:37

I’ve had three dates with a man I really like- good company, funny, intelligent, attractive.

The longer you date this tight ass the less noticeable these traits will be.

RollsEyes · 03/12/2018 05:44

He's not kind. That would snuff out any other positive qualities for me.

maximumcarnage · 03/12/2018 06:06

There’s some horror stories on here. Yikes. I’m an old fashion guy, I tend to pay for everything. I see it as a privilege taking a girl out and I have a desire to spoil.

At any rate it’s not so much the money that bothers me in the OP. It’s the behaviour. It’s attrocious. He might be funny and charming or whatever. But to treat a date like this is just awful. And keep in mind that on dates men and women both try to project the best version of themselves. You’ve not seen the worst aspects of him yet!

I think you can do better.

pissedonatrain · 03/12/2018 06:20

Yuck! He must be really really attractive to put up with this.

I'm older and have never paid for a date in my life and never will Any man I've been with would've been mortified if I offered. Even after marriage, if I was actually paying, I would give him the 100 or whatever before leaving the house so he could still pay.

Cambionome · 03/12/2018 06:34

Why did you do that, pissed? I genuinely want to know.

Alfie190 · 03/12/2018 07:18

I might be showing my age here, but I do want a man to pay for first date. Unless it is an internet arranged date, in which case I would expect to go halves.

But yes if it is a "normal" date then I would hope to see if he pays. After that we alternate.

Warsaw0912 · 03/12/2018 08:06

Rattinghat the saveloy 😭

I went out with a boy for nine months while I was a second year student at uni (i.e. poor) - he was an employed PhD on £50k+! I’d cook him a wonderful dinner a few times a week as I couldn’t afford to go out... the deal was he’d wash up and bring the drink or dessert. He’d always get out of the washing up (mean in spirit) and the final straw was when he brought alcohol free wine as it was the cheapest in store - a couple of weeks after bringing a packet of smartprice custard creams for pudding!!! He always made me feel guilty when any money was being spent and I couldnt have spent a life with him.

user1479305498 · 03/12/2018 10:19

My 20 year old son shows signs of it, I’ve told him it’s not attractive and if he is short of money to be very honest about it and suggest cheap things to do.

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 10:26

Warsaw0912 we are still friends although he lives abroad now. I have so many things I can take the piss out of him for, it's great. But it wasn't funny at the time.

Pinkmonkeybird · 03/12/2018 10:37

My ex-partner was like this and I over looked it thinking he would change. He didn't! Considering I was a single parent, when it came to booking holidays and trips, I was a fool and booked them thinking he would offer to pay half on booking...and considering it was an equal decision to go said holiday/trip. I would end up having to actively ask him to pay his share. I hated asking. The fact is you shouldn't have to ask... they should offer as an EQUAL, DECENT PERSON. When I go out with friends, we all pay our share unless I say to my best friend..."Please let me pay, it is my treat". Definitely a deal breaker for me when going into future relationships. Tightwads piss me off!