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Original poster

Dating a man who shows signs of being tight with money

176 replies

Tightarse · 02/12/2018 14:17

I’ve had three dates with a man I really like- good company, funny, intelligent, attractive. But ... he appears to have a slightly tight streak despite having a good job.

First date I bought the first round and third round of drinks at the bar, he bought the second. Second date didn’t involve spending money as we went for a walk. Third date he bought a round of soft drinks then we went to the cinema. He stood there motionless after two tickets had been rung up by the cashier. I then got my bank card out to pay for mine since he hadn’t offered. He still did nothing and I awkwardly paid for both after which he said “oh thanks”. He didn’t offer to buy any popcorn so I had to keep offering him some of mine and afterwards when we went to the bar, he asked what I wanted but seemed to be expecting me to offer (which I didn’t) and only got his wallet out when I made no offer of paying.

I do really enjoy his company and am more than happy to pay my way or treat a man on a date. But I don’t want to feel obliged to pay for a man as well as myself, i’m a single mum and can’t afford it. I don’t know if he is just not thinking or if he’s a tight wad with his own money. How do I find out which it is? And if he’s a tight arse, can he be changed?

OP posts:
donajimena · 02/12/2018 15:32

Is his name Jon? Grin

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 15:37

Totally agree with Holstenlane's idea for a scientific test. After only 2 dates that involved money, there is a (small) possibility of a misunderstanding. Give it one last chance. If he balks, I wouldn't have a polite chat, I would take the piss out of him, like say something about the moths in his wallet, or getting a crowbar to open it up. Then dump him.

I went out with a stingy man for 2 years. It was awful. He invited me on a birdwatching boat trip I couldn't afford 'as a treat' and then had a go at me for not paying half. Sometimes he would give me presents and then later talk about them as though they were shared or his. He once walked me around for hours trying to get cheaper CD cases (he was on £80k). About 5 years after we split he came over and accused me of having his knife sharpener in my kitchen drawer (it was a gift). Twat.

sar302 · 02/12/2018 15:38

The only exceptions I can think of here are:

A) He's been taken advantage of financially before by another woman, and is sussing you out (not going about it the best way.)
B) Hes been dating for a while, and has been told that women find men paying for everything a turn off, and is now over correcting.

That's being kind, because you've said that he's otherwise a lovely guy... If this is true, and he is lovely, then I'd be tempted to mention it next time you see him - I'm a single mum, not looking for a free ride, but also need a man who pays his own way, like I do. And see what he does - not says, does.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 15:39

Oh sorry he once took me on a date to eat a saveloy in Sheffield bus station.

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/12/2018 15:42

Test; suggest lunch, then when the bill arrives say - would you like to get this since I got the cinema tickets the other week?

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/12/2018 15:43

I spent 3yrs with a tight arse, it won't change, so if test fails runnnnnnnnnn!

Cherries101 · 02/12/2018 15:44

This is usually a sign that he doesn’t consider you a serious prospect and might be going on other dates on the side. Have a frank discussion.

explodingkitten · 02/12/2018 15:52

I think I dated this guy a few years ago. On our first date I paid for the cinema tockets AND the drinks. Twas our last date too.

I like paying my own half when just dating because I don't want to give them a reason to expect something in return but I run from men who let me pay for everything.

tinydancer29 · 02/12/2018 16:02

I agree with previous posters who are suggesting this could be some kind of test. I have friends who let a man pay for everything on dates and run for the hills if they have to buy one drink. Maybe he has had this experience and is tired of paying out for everything?

If he’s lovely otherwise I would go for dinner or to the cinema and see what happens. I would expect him to pay for the cinema completely next time or split dinner at the very least. If not, then it’s either time for a frank discussion to see where his values lie regarding money or to see bye.

Thankyounext · 02/12/2018 16:03

I met a guy and on the first date he said, all women are after is my body and my money. He was so tight he paid for everything in loose change (his half) and couldn’t get it up (turned out to be an alcoholic) so neither was true.

We arranged to spend a rare day off together and he took me for breakfast in Asda and I still had to pay half. He made a big fuss about how he was going to buy me flowers but as he wasn’t usually so romantic he would just leave them on my doorstep. They were the most measly bunch of flowers I have ever seen and I later saw them in Asda for £3.

It took me 5 weeks to see the light which was 5 weeks too long. I agree with pps that he will not change.

AnoukSpirit · 02/12/2018 16:13

Do you think he stands there looking blank when his food shop has just been rung up at the supermarket?

I somewhat doubt it. He knows what he's doing.

Why do you want to date someone who doesn't respect you?

TheMagician · 02/12/2018 16:17

unattractive.

I feel for you though. Some men think they're the ones testing you to see if you're just after a rich man and if you end it with him he'll think you failed his test. Have been there. Be prepared for that..

TheMagician · 02/12/2018 16:18

I agree with tidydancer.

Think of an event where he/you would have plenty of opportunity to offer to pay. See what happens.

greycloudblackbird · 02/12/2018 16:19

I dumped a guy who would turn up to dates, expecting me to pay as he had 'forgotten' to bring any cash. On our final date I told him he was tight. He said, 'No, people say that but I'm not really'.

If he's not paying equally,it will never be a real partnership.

Karensbadger · 02/12/2018 16:21

As the wife and mother of Aspergers men, it’s perfectly possible that he’s got some odd ideas about money. Like, if in his head, because you had suggested the cinema then it’s “your” date so you pay.

AnonymousIndividual · 02/12/2018 16:47

Be thankful that he has shown his true colours to you early on and dump him before you are emotionally as well as financially invested.

Meanness with money shows he has a meanness of spirit. Not attractive.

Rattinghat · 02/12/2018 16:49

Oh I remembered something more about the tight man I dated - he was convinced all women are gold diggers out to get pregnant and trap men for cash.

dontalltalkatonce · 02/12/2018 16:51

As the wife and mother of Aspergers men, it’s perfectly possible that he’s got some odd ideas about money. Like, if in his head, because you had suggested the cinema then it’s “your” date so you pay.

As the mother of a son with Asperger's there is zero way I use his condition as an excuse to behave like an arse and consider it my job to teach him how to behave in NT society. And also to tell people what's going on in his mind rather than behave like this man he does.

And the likelihood of a tight arse's behaviour being the result of autism (on MN, we always have to blame arsehole behaviour on a condition - mental health problems, autism or depression) is slim, he's just a tight arse.

CupoBlood · 02/12/2018 16:52

If you do go out again, take cash do you can pop your share down easily.

Karensbadger · 02/12/2018 16:56

Donttalktalkatonce fair point. Whilst my aspies are capable of fantastic penny pinching, you’re never in any doubt what’s happening and why. I was clutching at straws perhaps.

unique1986 · 02/12/2018 16:58

I don't understand that earn good money that are tight?
Imagine if they were on a lower wage.
They would probably die of starvation.
Or live off rice and beans.

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/12/2018 17:00

If he had the brass neck to stand there and let you pay for him ticket, then he has the hide of a rhino and won't care or Imagined there's a problem.
Your nearly 20 quid down, it's not about tightness it's about wanting to impress with initial behaviour.

Your a single mother with an sen child, he's not very thoughtful towards this, and this shows a meanness of spirit.

Juststopit · 02/12/2018 17:01

He may be on a good wage but perhaps he’s in debt. Whoever has the ‘good’ fortune to date my stbexh May be impressed by his job and income but would be shocked by his financial incompetence and how much debt he has. He couldn’t afford much on dates - prefers to gamble
it away

Whatever the reason I would run for the hills and not look back.

alfiesmam · 02/12/2018 17:02

My friend has recently started dating this right Arse guy and she keeps defending him
If they go out for drinks he puts “ a kitty “ in the middle of the table
Everything is split right down the middle
If they’re booking flights they ring each other and book at the same time online

He makes me sick he’s so miserable

unique1986 · 02/12/2018 17:02

'Men'
Crazy if someone is earning a lot more why the hell wouldn't they pay.
Not saying all the time but why have money if you can't spend it.
100% would never live with someone tight.