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Original poster

Dating a man who shows signs of being tight with money

176 replies

Tightarse · 02/12/2018 14:17

I’ve had three dates with a man I really like- good company, funny, intelligent, attractive. But ... he appears to have a slightly tight streak despite having a good job.

First date I bought the first round and third round of drinks at the bar, he bought the second. Second date didn’t involve spending money as we went for a walk. Third date he bought a round of soft drinks then we went to the cinema. He stood there motionless after two tickets had been rung up by the cashier. I then got my bank card out to pay for mine since he hadn’t offered. He still did nothing and I awkwardly paid for both after which he said “oh thanks”. He didn’t offer to buy any popcorn so I had to keep offering him some of mine and afterwards when we went to the bar, he asked what I wanted but seemed to be expecting me to offer (which I didn’t) and only got his wallet out when I made no offer of paying.

I do really enjoy his company and am more than happy to pay my way or treat a man on a date. But I don’t want to feel obliged to pay for a man as well as myself, i’m a single mum and can’t afford it. I don’t know if he is just not thinking or if he’s a tight wad with his own money. How do I find out which it is? And if he’s a tight arse, can he be changed?

OP posts:
PinkPineapple1 · 03/12/2018 11:20

I dated and then fell in love with a tight arse. Man, it was exhausting! Like you I was a single parent and he had a much better job. He was fully aware he was obsessive but I accepted it as part of who he was. We got married and absolutely nothing changed. When we inevitably split up he refused to pay for half of the divorce. I laugh about it now but I would never date someone like this again!

wotsittoyou · 03/12/2018 11:36

I saw autism being correlated with the op's date's behaviour upthread. I understand how a link between a lack of mutual understanding and his behaviour might be arrived at, but I think it's probably quite unlikely - there doesn't seem to be any logic or pattern behind his contributions or lack of them.

However, while attributing behaviors to neuro-differences is often derided on mn, and perhaps unhelpful if done without care, it would be very helpful, fair and accommodating to everyone if people would try to be more forthright about these sorts of things in general. I'm autistic. In the op's position, I would bring the topic up and explore his thoughts about it directly, regardless of how long I'd known him. But nts are generally uncomfortable with this (it's rude!), and rely more heavily on intuitive/implicit/shared ideas, leaving a lot misunderstood when the other person has a different brain/completely different ones.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is: just ask him why he didn't share the bill, op!

wotsittoyou · 03/12/2018 11:38

And if it turns out that he is just tight with money: avoid. A lack of generosity is rarely confined to one single aspect of someone's behaviour.

fairydustandpixies · 03/12/2018 12:16

Oooh, are you dating my ex? He was very solvent but never paid for anything, stood back at the bar after he suggested going to the pub for a drink, looked everywhere but at the bill in restaurants, I was stupid enough to pay for weekends away, cooked for him several times a week, bought his favourite cider - then eventually woke up when I'd reached my overdraft limit! I'm single mum too. Get rid. He won't change.

unique1986 · 03/12/2018 12:48

PinkPineapple1
Obsessive about what? Not paying for stuff?
Again why does he even need a good job lol

unique1986 · 03/12/2018 12:51

A lot of rich people tend to be tight..
Hense rich.
They have no right to have partners and kids tho.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 13:16

First date: meh, that’s just the way it fell - if you hadn’t bought the first round it could have been his 2 to your 1.

The cinema - he had already paid for the soft drinks. Less than cinema tickets - but not cheap.

Then he didn’t offer to pay for the cinema tickets once rung up - but who asked the cashier for them? If it was you, I can imagine him thinking you were expecting to pay (as he’d just got the soft drinks, and was possibly thinking this was your turn and he’d take the next thing)

Eating your popcorn: he didn’t have to order some, and you didn’t have to keep offering. That was your choice. I’m sure I’d offer once out of politeness (and liking my date!) but I wouldn’t let him trough half if I was aggrieved at him not paying his way.

Then at the bar, he asked you what you wanted. I think by this point (because of the tickets) you’d decided that he was right. And that’s what made you think he was hanging back to pay. I find it odd that you think he wasn’t for paying, when he asked what you wanted. Paying for drinks before and after film could easily be roughly equal to the tickets.

For me it would depend on who asked the cashier for the cinema tickets. If it was you, he may have thought it was your “turn” (after the soft drinks, and anticipating the bar after where he could step in - which he did). Also, if you asked, he may have thought you were signalling that you wanted to pay. If I step forward on a date and do the asking - it’s usually because I’m positioning myself to pay.

Tests are just ridiculous!

If you ask him out for a meal, might he not think that you’re expecting to pay as you asked? (I wouldn’t - but I’ve seen loads of posts from those who say that!)

He has probably experienced more women sitting back and expecting their date to pay than you have - maybe he’s just testing you.

When you paid for the tickets, you could have said “oh I’ll pay it together and settle up with you later”.

The only “test” I would do is in arranging the next date, say “never sure what the etiquette is - you alright to go Dutch tonight?”. And take it from there.

tierraJ · 03/12/2018 13:33

I once met a rich man for lunch. I happily paid for my own coffee, then my lunch & my drink.

Meanwhile he queried the bill at the bar for his lunch - why was it £13 instead of £11? He did pay for himself but I was embarrassed at his quibbling over £2 he could easily afford.

I didn't date him again, the tightness plus moaning about his health were off putting!

Your date should definitely have paid for his own cinema ticket!

HelenaDove · 03/12/2018 16:18

"Tests are just ridiculous"

"He has probably experienced more women sitting back and expecting their date to pay than you have - maybe he’s just testing you"

So it would be equally okay for me to test someone by seeing if they are willing to pay after experiencing a tightwad as ive described upthread.

If its not okay for women to do it, its not okay for men to do it.

Tightwaddery can so easily turn into/be a precursor to financial abuse.

Neweternal · 03/12/2018 16:24

Tests are not ridiculous!. As a woman I want to know what kind of man I'm dating. I'm independently wealthy. If a man is avoiding buying in the first round or clearly being stingy its not a good start. I gave poor friends that insist on paying their way. I also have ex friends with reasonable jobs who would happily turn up without money. Don't waste your time with mean people.

HelenaDove · 03/12/2018 16:29

There were a hell of a lot of posters on this very site on the "who pays on dates" threads who couldnt or wilfully refused to see that just because a man is willing to split the cost of a date ,does not mean he is willing to split childcare or the cost of it. There are a hell of a lot of men out there who are willing to take the bits of feminism that suit their wallet but fuck everything else.

And some women so keen to show their equality credentials that they cant see whats staring them in the face.

KringleBells · 03/12/2018 16:40

I couldn’t be done with this to be honest.

Someone who’s frugal but pays their fair share, fine. In fact more than fine as it shows good sense when it comes to money.

But someone just tight. No.

Neweternal · 03/12/2018 16:47

Helen Dove Agreed! Many a man feminism means paying for yourself and hoping you're promiscuous.

TheMagician · 03/12/2018 16:55

I agree my xh wasnt tight with me when we were dating but his friends asked me the first time i met them "have you noticed how tight he is" he told them to shut up and we all laughed but he was extremely financially abusive.

MrsPatmore · 03/12/2018 16:55

Can you not just talk to him about it? 'Next time we go out, let's have a kitty at the beginning of the night'. Sets a precedent.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 19:34

@Neweternal I still think tests are ridiculous. I totally agree you want to know what kind of man you’re dating - but I think that observing their actions and talking to them is better than setting tests.

Neweternal · 03/12/2018 21:57

@Ellisandra Ahh but you've planned the test and can sit back with pass/fail. Look we do it all the time in interviews. Just observing we run the risk of making excuses and then getting too emotionally involved to have sensible judgment. Google "shit tests" woman do it most men expect us too.

Enough101 · 04/12/2018 06:05

Out of interest, what do you think of a guy that doesn't tip in restaurants or delivery drivers?

5fivestar · 04/12/2018 07:16

Depends on the level of service, I dont think tips should be expected

Aussiebean · 04/12/2018 07:59

How about you say, before you start to order, ‘how would you like to split the bill?’

Then watch his reaction. He will either say ‘it’s on me’ ‘let’s split it’ or start spluttering- which is code for ‘I want you to pay’

Then decide based on that.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 04/12/2018 08:26

OP where are you?

DancingInTheCellar · 04/12/2018 08:41

Tight wadness is a very unattractive trait in anyone, let alone a date. I wouldn't hang around to see if things improve, at this stage he should be showing you his best self. My mum used to say "better a rich man's plaything than a poor man's work horse", which was ironic really as she married a poor man and so did I! My DH didn't have much when we met but he was never mean with it.

Changedname3456 · 04/12/2018 10:12

I dislike the expectation to tip. It’s all a bit too “noblesse oblige” for my taste and often a restaurant owner’s way of dodging payment of a decent basic wage.

Zulor · 04/12/2018 10:25

He wouldn't have gotten a second date with me. But I'm also skint, and expect to be wined and dined cos I'm a mean bitch

LordNibbler · 15/12/2018 20:19

So are you still dating him OP?