Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Hi Everyone,
How are you all doing?
After months of NC I received the below last week have no idea what to make of it... I know he’s currently on holiday with the new girlfriend at the hotel he said he wanted to take me too last year.. what a joke.

^Hi, Thought i would let you know as I know how much my dad loves you. He was riding his bike and a motorbike crashed into him doing 50 mph so he is in hospital with a few bad injuries and has got to have a few operations but he was quite lucky to still be here so he will be ok.

I can’t imagine what I have put you through I’m not the person you deserved you deserved a lot more. You are amazing and I was blind to see how much you loved me and this is all down to me not being a good enough person and I had to end it for both of us in the long run.

Believe me it has not been easy. Still get upset every week what I have left behind and what I have done to you I feel like a complete arsehole I hate myself for it. I couldn’t stay in contact with your family it would have made this harder for you I have cut off because I believe it is the best way to make this easier.

Thank you for all the memories we had together it has been a massive part of my life and the last 10 months has dragged and seemed like 3 years. I wish you all the best and hope in time this becomes a distant memory for you because you Have no reason to feel unhappy as this was nothing you did or did not do.

Take care^

Hope you’re all well, hate that this has set me back and he still has this power to make me feel sad whilst he’s being Mr Perfect to his new girlfriend. ARGH. Sorry ladies, just needed to vent x

I would ignore it and not reply. Sounds like he's not as happy deep down with the new woman as he's making out.

Christ! Did you reply??

Sorry should have said if I replied or not. I replied saying “I’m very sorry to hear about your dad, I’m wishing a full and speedy recovery.” Then dropped his dad a message pretty much saying the same thing.
It’s been 10 months since he walked out, I never got answers then so I’m not gonna get answers now so there’s no point me replying and getting in to stupid chitchat x

Sounds like he was testing you to make you fight for him. He loves the attention. Anyway you passed the test because you managed to get rid of the shit bag. Don't be jealous of OW. Poor girl has no idea she's about to waste years of her life with a selfish head fuck.

I'm 5 months on and every time I try no contact he'll get in touch about the house or wanting to come and collect something from the house.

This week I have really really missed him. As a person not the relationship and the awful ending. His OW has moved abroad now and apparently hell be joining (at some point).

Hello all

Oh shit, @Missbee90 xx
What an absolute head fuck. That reads like he has finally realised he's fucked up, but doesn't want to actually make a tough decision and do anything about it. He also doesn't feel comfortable with you being angry with him, so is trying to play nice and flatter you into still having a good opinion of him. Don't fall for it. You are rightly angry and you need to remember that - whatever he says now.

I went no-contact again after a few weeks of coming and going.

I started sinking back into depression. So much so that I went and told my Head Teacher that I am scared I'm on the slide. I had promised I would do that if I felt bad and not cope and cope until I have a full breakdown again. She's been as helpful as she can be, but as the problem isn't work and I'm not having any difficulty with working at all, there isn't a lot she can do. She's trying to make sure I leave early once a week, take some time to go for a walk at lunchtime and just asking how I am and expecting a response so at least I know she's got my back.

In the last month, I have done so much work on my house. I had a new boiler and a rewire, so I decided to do a load of other stuff myself - I ripped out the kitchen and put in a new one. Put new coving and skirting boards in the living room and painted everywhere. All by myself. I thought that would make me happier. It didn't. I have been really low. Waking up every morning like a heavy weight is on my chest and my first thought being 'oh fuck. Another day. Do I have to?'

I decided that ex's contact was not helping and I need to look after me, so I've just ghosted him. He sends me 'good morning, lovely xx' every day and sometimes 'how are you?' But I'm not responding. And every time I look and see a message with no reply I feel a bit better. Fuck him. He can do what he likes now. I am leaving him behind (again! But for good this time)

I saw your other thread, @Missbee90 . I'm so sorry that you're still struggling. This takes time. I'm still doing the cycling grief thing. The cycles are getting more and more spaced out - and the more optimistic cycles are longer - but I still feel anger and pain and resentment all too often.
Hang in there. You're doing great. I'm just sorry the bastard sent that message and set you back. You didn't need that.
X

Actually, @Missbee90 - I've just read it back and it's made me fume.

It's the 'I'm not good enough for you and you deserve better' line. It echoes. It is all too familiar.

It's also bollocks. What you deserved was for him to be a grown up and deal with things in a grown-up way.

Mine is saying the same sorts of things. It is a few-fold manoeuvre. It makes him feel like I did it for your own good (so wasn't selfish), it allows him to be the victim (she was just too good for me. I'm a bad person. Boo hooo hooo) and absolves him of responsibility (It was selfless and hard, but it was the right thing to do)

It is all unmitigated crap. He says it because he has to live with the fact that he knows, deep down, that what he did was shit and selfish, but he won't admit that to you, or himself.

He's a manipulative piece of shit.

@Missbee90 Just imagine how his girlfriend would feel if she saw that text... he's really trying it on

Why don't you block him so you can't see his messages? He obviously wants to have his cake and eat it. He's not regretting getting a new girlfriend, he just wants to make sure he's still got you on a string too. If you're still reading his texts you're still thinking about him. Moving on means having no more thoughts about him. Forget him.

I agree, you should block him. You need to put him out of your mind completely and you wont be able to do that whilst still getting messages from him. Have you ever told him not to contact you?

@Brainache78 Thank you so much for the messages, he is a total head fuck but I’m out the funk now and doing my best to not let his shit words affect me. You’re so right, it angers me too and again just shows his complete lack of maturity and how emotionally unavailable he really is.

Well done on the NC, I’m sorry he’s still trying to enter your life, you sound like you’re being very strong and I’m glad work are being as supportive as they can be, well done on speaking to the head.

Sorry you‘ve been feeling low but amazing work on the house.. I said to a friend yesterday that I don’t think people actually realise how hard it is to maintain a house, a job, a dog and a social life all by themselves .. sounds really daft but I’m sure you know what I mean and I can imagine the fact you’ve have to do all the work alone has impacted your mood but you did it and go you, what an achievement! X

@AsleepAllDay I know, can’t say I’d be to happy if I had a boyfriend messaging their ex wife stuff like that but she knew full well when she met him that we had been separated less than 2 weeks so part of me thinks most people would know that surely most need some time out after but hey ho.. it’s been 10 months now so hopefully the lack of reply will stop any further communications. He’s still blocked on everything minus email mainly because I didn’t expect him to email me.

@Erythronium @user1471590586 He is blocked but this was via email, naive of me to just think he wouldn’t send anything like that via email but hopefully the lack of response means he knows not to contact me, I made it clear months ago I had no interest in speaking to him ever again.

Thank you all for the replies, I am feeling brighter today.. it just knocks the wind out of me when he sends shite like the above. Thanks again xx

Sorry missbee, my post was to brainache as she's still reading her ex's texts. I hope you're sending your ex's emails to junk now though.

All these men need leaving in the past. They're worthless narcissists just trying to get more attention and love from women they never deserved.

@Erythronium Sorry, so many of us on here all going through similar that it’s easy to overlap and yes very very wise they don’t bloody deserve us! Onwards and upwards

@Missbee90 it genuinely sounds like everyone had dated/been married to/left the same man! All reading from a script, the new woman straight in, the remorse later on that would be meaningful but comes with absolutely no change...

Hi all.

Is anyone still about?

This is going to sound weird because you'll probably all say 'we knew that.'

But I came to a realisation today after a long conversation with a friend.

I have escaped an abusive relationship.

I used to say things like 'it was like an abusive relationship at times', but I didn't see the magnitude.

And today, as I sat with her and poured out one story after another after another...on and on and on. Stories about manipulation and control and destabilisation.

All of it. Classic script. From the love-bombing at the start, to the gradual slipping of the mask - down to the fact that so many of the stories I told were prefaced with 'I've never told anyone about this before...'

I am sort of stunned at myself.

That I didn't see it, that I ignored so much and minimised so much and apologised for him and carried around this heavy weight of doubt and fear for so long. I feel sort of stupid, but then I know this is how abusers operate. They make you question which way is up.

It leads on to why I have had such difficulty blocking him. He pushes me buttons, reels me in, uses my personality traits against me.

And the minute I clocked it, it all fell away. I don't feel anything for him at all. No jealousy about his girlfriend (good luck to her. He'll twist her up too),

I have no sadness or anger left about what he did by ending it and cheating on me (which I now also know for sure that he did. He was, apparently, bragging to people about how he managed to 'bag' a mere 35 year old at the age of 48. 'Not bad for an old, fat man' apparently.

I don't feel the loss. I'm not quietly hoping he'll contact me (which is where I was the last few times I blocked and tried to move on). He does not have possession of my strings anymore. He can not tug at them.

He's blocked on absolutely everything. I have put a little camera doorbell on the front door so I'll know if it's him. He can't get to me any more.

Jesus, the relief is amazing.

But now I'm worried about the damage it all did.

You hear victims of abuse say this all the time. You look back and think 'what the fuck was I thinking?' And wonder how you could have been so stupid to fall for it.

That's what I'm feeling right now.

And sorry if none of that is a surprise to any of you, but it is to me. Now I've seen it, I can't unsee it.

He's a sociopath. I think (if we're going in for arm-chair psychology). His feelings don't go below the surface. He is a chameleon and changes to suit who he is with.

He has had a complete personality transplant since he's been with the new one. My friends is a mutual one and was filling me in on some details. Most of it had me open mouthed in shock and amazement. He has totally overhauled his interests, his lifestyle and his fundamental values. He is almost literally another person and our friends are all completely baffled and concerned.

He was never who I thought he was. It's chilling.

But the knowledge has set me free.

Thank you so much all. Can you believe this happened in October and I've only just processed and come out the other side?

Hopefully wiser and stronger.



How are you all doing? @Missbee90, @Sausage101 @AsleepAllDay @carrotflinger anyone else?!