Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@brainache78 - Thank you, as have you. I’m just sorry he’s reared his ugly head again and you’ve had to communicate with him. Sounds like you’ve been as strong as ever and refuse to let his empty words get back to your heart.. they really are Tw@s.

@Asleepallday I could have wrote this With my ex I was shocked with how cold he became. I said it was like talking to a wall. I couldn't comprehend how the man I thought I knew became someone else as soon as another woman was in the vicinity.

He become a stranger, like an alien took over his brain (I actually said that to a friend just before he left) but he reassured me time and time again we were fine and I was the only good in his life and it was just money stress.. I think they just disconnect before leaving and slowly remove themselves from us without actually giving us a warning. You sound very strong and a wise women who knows her worth, good for you.

I read an analogy someone wrote on a Facebook page a few days ago, I’ll share it below and I’m sure we can all relate

Their minds change like the wind. Then they get stuck in a cyclone and can't get out. Know that you are the free bird that will fly wherever the wind takes you. He will always be stuck in the cyclone. The cyclone of despair, disturbed decisions and doubted future. Just like the cyclone, they strike at random times and random areas. They leave destruction and devastation and go about their business, disappearing until they strike again. He is disturbed. You my dear are a free bird with purpose and a path, you escaped the cyclone. Let him spin, while you fly.

Hoping you all have lovely weekends planned!

How are you going @brainache78 @Missbee90 ?

I've been thinking about the fact that one of things seemingly holding me back from enjoying my life is that - in my head - my ex was my last chance at love (?) and that if we had stayed together then we would be planning summer holidays etc

Never mind that he's the one who jumped onto someone New straightaway (am really not making that up, someone he knew before any of his relationships but suddenly started going out with the moment he was single - and didn't get together with before despite having both time and opportunity over the years?)

The brain believes some unbelievable shit sometimes, like that this man who couldn't even treat me with the basics of respect, is the missing love of my life

@AsleepAllDay - once again amen, sister.

I feel like that. When we got together we were both like ' yes. This is it. Finally.'

And he still says now that he can't get his head round why it didn't work when 'you were meant to be the one, Brainache.'

I can (and have) answered that by saying that I agree we were pretty perfect together, but you have to actually communicate even in the best of relationships, or they die a death. It being 'right' didn't mean he could just stop it all when things were rocky because he didn't see the point in talking about it!

I've said it before. He's an idiot. He still believes this whole fairy tale thing between us. He still thinks it should have worked with no effort on anyone's part.

But now that didn't work, he is seeing me as the one who got away. Already. When I didn't get away at all. He gave me away.

So frustrating.

@brainache78 that's a great way to put it - and this isn't the first time I've had men give me away as though it's easy come easy go. This one hurts because we were on the same page for a good while.

I also know it was going to be doomed - he doesn't have a whit of real self esteem, hence the rebounding. And that has been my problem too but at least I'm working on it.

I suppose I want to shake that dark, disappointed feeling that everything ended so suddenly and unnecessarily. Before I was ready

@brainache78
I haven’t read the whole thread, but from a snippet, it seems like you look at it all now from a different perspective?

I thought me and my ex where everything. Same interests, ambitions, life goals, it was like everything I was looking for, and I thought that I was for him. We where best friends, loved each other so much, had such a great future planned. Then BOOM he’s had another woman on the go, created a whole new life. He cried said he still loved me, that I’m still his best friend. I’m sorry, I thought you married the love of your life and best friend, not cheat on them for over a year!!

What I can’t stand is that firstly that was the first relationship, where everything just seemed perfect. Secondly it knocks me sick, that she is now living my life, our dreams, and our plans!

@AsleepAllDay Thanks for checking in and for your wise words once again. I’m feeling a little more normal today. I’ve not heard from him, forwarded on a copy of our nisi documentation via email and didn’t even get a Thanks.. literally heard nothing from him since he got his £55k from the equity of the property ... I put the deposit down but because we were married and the house had made £110k.. he was entitled to half.. makes my blood boil.. I’ve also paid for all of the divorce and legal fees so sort me buying him out the property because he “couldn’t afford it” and “wasn’t bothered about getting divorced” .. he is such a man child.

Like you and @brainache78 said, I really thought this man was a decent human being... makes me worried about my ability to judge someone’s character now x

Sending you both good thoughts for the week ahead!

It's very cheeky of him to waltz off with half the deposit you put down, that's unfortunate

I know I chose the wrong man (again!) and if I don't take time off and make an effort to go to therapy and process my pain and issues then I will be doing that again over and over.

My one comfort is that I'm not currently running after someone hoping he'll love and validate me because I can't do it for myself. I know that's what my ex is up to, and yours as well

I'm focusing on forgiving myself, accepting what happened and knowing that I am doing better for myself just being out of it all. I may not love what happened - and indeed how he changed, just as the man before him, and the one before... but I have to trust myself and know that I am a good person.

My personality is solid and my attitude to love is to give and to really try my absolute best. That my ex seemingly turned into someone else - and that hurt me so much - is his affair. I loved him until the very very end.

Changed back to carrotflinger to avoid confusing.
Please help and talk sense it to me you lovely ladies as you know all the back story @brainache78, @Missbee90

Ex turned up on my doorstep last night with a bag of treats - chocolate, crisps etc - said they were for my long journey to the UK today and tomorrow. Invited himself in. Said he had planned to drive with me and then get a flight back as it is dangerous to drive so far in a state of grief. Unfortunately he had run over a deer with his car and the headlight was smashed so we couldn't use his car but we could use mine.
I said no way, and anyway I have booked the ferry for one person and a hotel for one person where I am staying tonight. Hell, anyone who knows me will recognize me.. but I am past caring.

Then he phoned for a pizza. I told him he wasn't to come near me or touch me (terrified of things leading on to some kind of sympathy shag or some kind of attempt at that) and that I wanted to hear none of his nonsense about all these women he has and how great his life is.
He then ended up wailing his eyes out about what a wonderful Dad my Dad was and how his parents are terrible and how bad his life is. He is lost and lonely. He doesn't have another girlfriend and doesn't want another one because they are not like me.
His parents and siblings say awful things to him etc.
He cries every day.
He has missed me so much - the pain is unbearable.

Well I missed him so much at the beginning but that pales into insignificance compared to losing my Dad suddenly without warning.

I am absolutely past myself tonight - in a motel on my own and fuckwit keeps texting me abotu what a wonderful woman I am and I am trying to ignore it.

@Asleepallday - everything you say is so true and I agree, I am also trying to focus on not blaming myself.

Feeling a bit meh tonight, heard his new girlfriend took him away for his 30th and just made me feel a bit rubbish.. he always said no to city breaks with me because said he couldn’t be bothered to get on a flight for a long weekend.. we visited some beautiful places together but weekend trips abroad were a no no .. so it really hurts to hear he’s been on one with her. Just really makes me think he’s so much better to her and it must’ve been me that was the problem .. argh hate this headspace!

@carrotflinger So sorry I think we both posted at exactly the same time! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with all of this, I can’t imagine how difficult it must be. I think it’s really unfair of your ex to be putting all of this on to you whilst he knows you’re grieving your fathers death, seems like he’s trying to somehow make it about him...
feeling a little weak myself tonight but I’ll do my best to help you where I can!
How did you feel when you saw him? I worry he’s trying to get in to your head whilst he knows you’re hurting and potentially need some familiarity around you and he knows he brings that x

He is totally trying to get back in to my head. I have ignored him since November. And we had split up once before and at the 6 months stage he was back again declaring undying love because he hadn't managed to find a new girlfriend. We are at exactly at this point now and I am very vulnerable.

I felt empty when I saw him. Completely empty. But I feel empty generally at the moment.

I am trying to organize a funeral from abroad and clearing Dad's flat and all the rest. I'm an only child. It's a nightmare.

Will post back.

Just quickly wanted to say good to hear from you all. Everyone is sounding better. (I know it's still not easy and pretty shit).

@carrotflinger I'm so sorry to read about your Dad. My Dad died very young and it was awful. I hope you have some support through it over here? It's very selfish of him to try and make things about him when you are grieving. No maturity at all. Safe trip. x

I have cousins and aunties trying to help. I think it will be better when I finally get back on Thursday.

yes, utterly selfish and immature of him.

Yeah it really is. He should leave you alone right now not sit there wailing about himself.

Or at least I suppose ask once if you need anything and when you refuse leave it at that.

@Missbee90 he sucks! I hope he had a terrible 30th and got rained on

@Missbee90
He's a dick.
It's not you with the problem it's him.
Also you don't know what the new girlfriend is like - she might be really pushy - hence the trip abroad. It's all shiny and new at the moment but who's to say he won't start moaning about trips abroad with her as well.

@Sausage101
He spent all the time moaning about his parents. I know they are awful but at least they are still alive (unlike both of mine). I just thought it was crass insensitivity. I'd give anything to have mine back and there he is talking about how he hates his. (They really are vile - but even so, you'd think he could hold his tongue for once in his life)

Yeah it is really insensitive and just highlights how immature he is. He should be worried about you not expecting you to fix his sad feelings and take him back. Ugh.

@brainache78 You sound a lot better, was nice to read your update. I do think he is putting a bit much on you though and it does sound like he might want to get back with you at some stage the way he is going on?

@missbee90 You don't know what's going on behind closed doors. Everyone is on their best behaviour at the start anyway. And it will be double best behaviour because he caused so much shit through getting with her.

@Asleepallday You sound really strong, I love your posts the last few pages.

Hello all.

It's good to see you back @carrotflinger.

Isn't it depressing how these men are still blighting our lives showing up and causing us stress.

One day, we will be free and see this is a nasty blip that we survived. Can't come soon enough.

@brainache78 they will! I've been thinking today about forgiving myself - for choosing the wrong man, for pouring so much energy and what I thought was love (at the time - it was enjoyment and codependency and lust, dressed up), for really pulling off a clanger once again and picking someone who, after all, treated me at the end like I was disposable, with no real respect

He said he would always care about me and I wonder about that now. I think we were so infatuated with being 'happy' together that I never woke up to how false it really was. Because it was - someone who can rhapsodise about how amazing you are for ages and toss you like an empty drink can and jump on to the next woman can't really love, not in any meaningful way

I feel a bit of a fool, for thinking I was so in love and in a grand romance. It really exposes everything for how cheap and insignificant it is in the daylight. And it's not just me - it's him too. He's so desperate to be 'loved' by anyone to fill up the emptiness and the void and distract from his self loathing and low self esteem that it's not really love, is it?

You can't give what you don't have. At the end it felt like I 'needed' him there to feel good about myself and vice versa.

It's like I'm an old sofa or a tube of toothpaste, now used. It really was needy and clingy in the extreme, and then cold and silent and lost.

I need to remember this, when I start to romanticise in my head and think 'if only' he was there, everything would be nicer. The sun would be brighter, the weekend would be more fun, life would be electric and exciting again.

But that's not true, is it? It's like being taken over by a bodysnatcher, someone who just emotionally robs you and drains and drains and drains.

I'm disappointed, in the end. I knew on some level that this would happen - aren't I just now learning how to talk to myself with real love and conviction and say words like 'forgiveness.'

But I took a punt, like a dummy. Ah well

Evening All,
@Asleepallday Can relate so much to everything you say, I think self forgiveness is the hardest part.. I blame myself far too much even though deep down I know I didn’t cause this break up, I must’ve played a part otherwise he would have been happy and stayed but it takes 2 people. I’ve convinced myself his new girlfriend is more patient, shaves her legs daily, doesn’t moan about never spending time together and doesn’t get hangry ... I need to get a grip!

@Brainache78 Couldn’t agree more, my divorce finalises in a month.. I hope then I can have the closure.

@carrotflinger How are you this evening? Have been thinking about you. Has ex still been pestering?

@sausage101 Great to hear from you and loved your reply to me, you’re right .. I need to remember her shit stinks too..

Xx

@Missbee90 It's more like that she's in exactly the same spot you were in once. They're together and he's chosen her because she will put up with it, fall for it, thinks she's 'different' and everything will be wonderful forever, she's the one to change him for life

If her alarm bells didn't go off at the man cracking on to her recently being out of a relationship and not having the sense to wait, then she's falling for a lie hook, line and sinker.

The cracks will show in the same way, when he throws her off it'll be in the same, cold way...

When it's good it feels red hot and perfect and so exciting. But it can't last and won't last. Your ex sounds identical to mine (down to the age!) and if I know one thing, he's unhappy deep down and discontent. He doesn't really love, not really. When the breakups happen he stuffs them down and moves straight to the next, like a shark.

If anything, this breakup will be even worse and shitty for him because he will have gassed it up in his mind as perfect. He had to put you down and pull you down to convince himself this was different. This was worth it. This was special! This was the one. Not boring old you, that's tired

It'll be like the worst comedown for him when it happens. It's not if, it's when. It could be weeks, months, years.

And at the end she'll be where you are, where we are. Depleted, lost, confused, checking your pockets to see if you were robbed. Thinking 'oh no, again?'

And it'll be the same for him. Maybe he'll have the self awareness to realise what the merry go round is that he keeps going and just because you have someone to ride the horses with, it doesn't mean you won't feel sick at the end.

Right now he's smug as you like I bet, because he thinks he's won the game. He's beat it, there's a new girl to be all shiny and new and well behaved with, and shag for days. There's you, probably crying your eyes out somewhere with the pain of it all. What a stud!

But he hasn't had the self awareness or seen the cold truth. He doesn't know whether he's worth anything, much less better than this. He hasn't pried the lid off and connected the dots to know where he's responsible or what his patterns are. He doesn't know the meaning of self worth and love. Those are just words, concepts. He hasn't had to build himself from the ground up when it feels impossible, like a death.

And you know, I'm sure who I would rather be. I'd rather go through this a hundred times over for the kernel of knowledge about myself - how I've been so limited, felt so unworthy, never thought I could be happy. How these are all lies we tell ourselves, told ourselves.

That happiness is an inside job and that I can feel better than I ever have, without a man. That I am - we are - brave and strong despite the negative thoughts and the boasty posts on social media

That we have to dust ourselves off and ask - what are we holding on to? Less than what we want? Why? Why are we looking wistfully at them and wishing that he was around to kick us around again? Come on

@asleepallday
I can relate to so much you have said, the blame, the feelings. Everything you have wrote on the last couple of posts is a complete reflection of what I feel and think.

I can’t understand either how someone can go from “loving you unconditionally” and planning a future, to the next just like that. I’m bitter than he’s smug, that he’s got the OW, and I’m just sat here banging my head against a wall, wondering what I’ve done wrong. But in reflection I know it’s nothing I have done or said, it’s just him.

But that doesn’t stop me watching my phone, hoping that he will just walk back through the door. I don’t want him back. I just want him to acknowledge my pain, I suppose.

You all seem like you’ve been through it, and you’ve all found each other, and the strength.

@Asleepallday - Once again you come through with amazing words.. your friends in RL must adore you and your wise ways.

I do really agree with everything you’ve said, on my good days I know how ridiculous it is that he moved in with someone within months of ending our marriage. I guess part of me thinks he fell out of love with me long before but didn’t tell me so had time to come to terms with it then... that said we were only married a year when he dropped the bomb so he should’ve cancelled the wedding if that was true.

I know his unhappiness won’t make me happy BUT let’s be honest.. nobody wants their ex to jump straight in to something new and for it to be rainbows and roses for life.

I couldn’t agree more about them being unhappy deep down, I guess the hardest part is I thought I knew him and turns out I didn’t at all. I often felt sorry for him as he said he had nobody to talk to (but he has a family and friends but he chooses not to open up and talk)

You speak so so much sense, I don’t think I’ve missed a post and sorry if I have and you’ve already said but what’s your story? You sound like you’ve been let down by someone you thought was your forever too

@Greycloud81 Hello, welcome to the thread! I remember the days of waiting for a message or a call it sucks.. I’m about 10 months in now and it gets easier but as you can see from the posts I have my bad days (weeks!) sending you lots of love, feel free to write it all down on here and get it off your chest if it helps

Wow @Asleepallday great post.