Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Thanks @missbee90 :)

Ugh just reading about your ex saying all that. What a bloody plonker, can't he keep his guilt to himself. :(

How is everyone today?
I'm ok today - I'm actually ok!
Today I couldn't give a shiny shit about fuckface and who he is with or not with and how much booze he is drinking and how many prostitutes he is sleeping with.

I've moved myself into what was his office area - for the course he was doing (and expecting me to help him with at all hours).
I already have a working area as I work from home so I decided to take over "his" space for a couple of things I am learning at the moment (evening classes) and enjoyed moving my books in there etc. So now I have my work office and my study.
And he is living in his old bedroom in his parents house which is, quite frankly, a dump - the whole house I mean - needs completely renovating and is not very hygienic (and then he had the cheek to complain about times when this flat wasn't perfect - nothing compared to the flea pit he came from and has gone back to)

I've got my pom-poms out for you @carrotflinger!

Go go go!

It's so good to hear you're feeling better and I'm so pleased you are reclaiming space. It must feel like you're claiming bits of your life back too.

And hahaha to him living in a shit room in a shitty house. He deserves to reap what he sows. I bet he's miserable (and I rather unkindly hope so!)

You are free. Don't waste brain space on that loser

I bet he is miserable too.
Tough shit.
He wanted his "freedom" - now he's got it.
He claimed he would easily find another girlfriend who would make him happy - go on then..... there isn't a woman on this earth who could make him happy.

On Monday I was driving back late from a night out and it had been snowing heavily. I drove up a road where ex's workmate lives and as I turned into the road I noticed dragging footsteps in the snow which were all over the place - ie. the person couldn't walk in a straight line. I thought straightaway it must have been some drunk and then thought it would be funny if it was ex's workmate. Sure enough.... the wobbly crazy footsteps turned in at his house. It was 1 am and he could only have been a couple of minutes in front of me. I was just so relieved that I could go home and ex wouldn't be there - because it's 99% certain that he would have been drinking with his workmate. I got home and no one was there - no one drunk and stinking of beer and no one shouting and moaning about everything because he was tired and had drunk too much!!

My heart feels for you @carrot

It's three months today since the fuckwit attempted to do a moonlight flit.
I feel so much better. My self-confidence is coming back and my humour. I can't remember laughing so much while I was in the relationship. He just didn't make me laugh and I need that and I wasn't able to laugh when out with others because he had knocked my self-confidence completely.

I am finding that he is not cropping up in my thoughts as much though I dream about him most nights.
But the most positive thing is I am starting not to give a shit about - neither positive or negative shit if you see what I mean. I don't give a flying fuck if he has some beautiful gf or if he is going to prostitutes again or if he is drink driving. I also don't give a fuck about missing out on great times with him because I am having a reat time with other people.
Still can't imagine starting a relationship with anyone else. Can't be arsed!

How are the rest of you doing?

Great to hear @carrotflinger I'm doing sort of the same. Not caring as much. I can't be arsed with a relationship in the future either, happy to study and carry on with my bits I do in my spare time for charities etc.

My friend decided to tell me about a photo she saw of them in matching christmas jumpers, I wish people wouldn't do that, I don't care and I don't want to know about their cringefest.

Also the best thing for me now is that it's clicked that I don't find him attractive at all anymore, a 40 year old man chasing a teenager around. I miss the memory of him, but I don't think that was real, I think i see too much good in people.

Hi all. It’s been a while since I posted here. I was going well, starting to get my footing and find some direction, then....OW!! I am absolutely floored. He denied and denied and I unbelieved him! I feel like such a fool. Was anything he said ever true??? Questioning absolutely everything now. How could this be the same person I thought I knew and trusted implicitly for 27 years? I have taken many steps backward just when I was starting to do better.

Hi @Trudeau25
Ah no... that's really awful for you.
I've read so many posts on mumsnet recently where the man has out of the blue declared himself "unhappy" and "it hasn't been working for a while" and then off he toddles, next thing there's an OW on the scene, which of course they fervently deny at first.
They really are awful these men. I think they meet someone else and justify their appalling behaviour by rewriting their history with their wife or partner, claiming that there were problems all along or whatever they want to claim - turning any small disagreement into some kind of sign (in hindsight of course) that they'd be better off with someone else.
I know what you mean about not knowing how he could be the same person. Obviously my 5 years with my ex pales into insignificance compared to your 27 years, but I found that the loss of the person I thought he was was greater than the actual physical loss of someone being around in the relationship. I really believed he was one type of honorable person and he turned out just to be lowlife scum.

It's been a huge blow to you finding out about the OW so it will have set you backwards but you will start to do better again. Yours made his "I'm not happy and I'm off" announcement just before Christmas didn't he? It's no time at all really so you wil still be feeling bad about it all.

Great to hear @carrotflinger, I agree the idea/memory of them is the hardest.
I’m approaching 7 months since he left and finding it difficult this week, I’m missing him.. I hate that I’m 28, divorced and no idea what my life looks like, I was 7 weeks away from coming off the pill and starting a family with him.. I miss being settled, I can’t be bothered to fall in love again. I’ve been seeing someone but I just don’t know if I’m feeling it, he’s much more in to me than I am him and I can’t work out if it’s because what I’ve been through, because I still love my STBXH or because new guy just isn’t right for me.. he’s good looking, kind, generous and funny but something just isn’t clicking for me and I can’t work out what it is...

@Trudeau25 Sorry you’re going through this, they’re honestly just selfish shitbags who can’t be on their own, not strong enough.

@carrotfinger
“I found that the loss of the person I thought he was was greater than the actual physical loss of someone being around in the relationship.”
Yes, exactly! I’m so overwhelmed by the deceit and my complete blindness to it!! He is still denying that it started pre separation, but I know for a fact that it did. I trusted him, believed him, thought him to be a decent and honest person.. What a chump I was!! Makes me question everything.

@Trudeau25
Welcome back - I'm so sorry you've had need of us, though.

It's 'the script' isn't it?

All it means is that you ABSOLUTELY knew what your relationship was like and now you know why he left. It was not that there was anything wrong with you or the relationship you had, this was all about him and his shiny new person. It's pathetic, it really is.

The truth is that there was nothing wrong with what you were offering him. He was as happy as he claimed to be - he just needed to rewrite history to excuse his behaviour. It is not any easier whatsoever. It hurts like nothing else, but this was his mistake and nothing to do with you at all. You didn't change. He did.

I'm sorry you are here. You will go through what we all have. The horrible sinking feeling when you think of them together living your life together. It's just so fucking awful.

But it fades. Not that it helps now, but it does. I am feeling better about it every day. He is with someone else and I can think about that now without wanted to rip his face off and spit into the hole that's left! It gets easier.

And just when you are over it, he'll realise it's all been a mistake and come back.

I am waiting for that to happen to at least half of us on this thread and I'm very much looking forward to celebrating when one of you sends them packing with a flea in their selfish ear! I hope it's you!

Sending love. It is so painful. I wouldn't go back to the early days of finding out again for all the money in the world. It's horrendous.

Sorry! Name change!

Brainache here x

@partypooper
That’s just it though, it’s hard not to think that you weren’t good enough and that he had to find happiness elsewhere. I asked him over and over again at the beginning if there was someone else. That it would be so much worse to find out later and to just tell me now. But I got the heartfelt no,no,no. And I believed him because I thought I knew him well enough to know if he were lying. Well, how wrong was I? I think he was hoping to get away with it and pass her off as being someone he just started seeing. Doesn’t matter that he’s just knowingly cut me down to my knees yet again. As long as there was a chance that he could keep his good guy reputation , didn’t matter that I was collateral damage. Just waiting for the next discovery to come smashing into me. What could be next??

@Trudeau25
It is hard not to think you weren't good enough. That's what I feel sometimes as well. But then again, I think that my ex will get bored and find fault with anyone - it won't just be me that's not good enough.
He's a fuckwit - not you. You were "good enough" for years until he decided to be a dickhead and rewrite history and claim he wasn't happy.

I really hope that your next discovery is that you are good enough for YOU and that you are better than this knobhead.

So I feel shit today.
I don't even know why.
I'm just not over it. Not at all. I want to be, but I'm not.

I'm tired and lonely and sad.

And I'm so jealous of him and his girlfriend that I could scream.

Why is this back again?!

Are you ok, Trudeau?

It's shit, isn't it? That awful sick feeling lasts for ages.

I hope they're all fucking miserable.

But I know mine isn't. He has a lovely new girlfriend to make him happy in a way that I couldn't/didn't.

I hate him today.

I feel the same @brainache78. We’re not even divorced and he’s introduced his new girlfriend to his family, I’m so fucked off. A week before he left me he was rubbing his hand on my belly saying how by Christmas a baby would be in there .. now he’s left me and is with someone else and everyone is fine with it.

It’s shit.

I want him to be miserable too.
Had the cheek to call me last week off an unknown number and tell me how he cries all the time AND THEN I find out he introduced his girlfriend to the family that were once my family that weekend. Fucking nasty prick. I hate that I thought I’d found a nice person and I married him.

Fuckers. All of them.

I was doing really well this week until I found out tonight that he has rejoined a music group in his village. I know this is going to sound stupid but I feel sick. Lot of history involved but the upshot was he left after having an argument with them where they offended him and accused him of drinking instead of going to practices and also he had not been attending regularly because he claimed he hated the group.
He spent 5 years wiht me whining and moaning and sometimes crying about this group and I said, if it's really that bad and you don't enjoy it you should leave. He never did until this last big argument.
Apparently he's rejoined now and the reason I feel sick is because I can imagine him blaming him leaving on me - that I made him or whatever because I was such a controlling cow (which I wasn't).
I just hate the idea of all the others thinking it was me who made him give it up (and another group which he chose to leave)
I'm being painted as a bad person and it wasn't like that at all.

I really really hate him tonight and I could cry.

I can’t stop crying this morning, it’s awful. How can he just replace me so easily. 11 years, a house, a marriage, a dog and countless memories and he left me as if we’d been together a few weeks. Just find it so fucking hard

@Missbee90
Hugs for you.
It's really awful. Nothing anyone can say can make it better.
I wish he'd stop phoning you and upsetting you. What a selfish dick thinking only of himself.
Can you just not pick up if an unknown number calls? You wre doing reasonavly well until he started pratting about.

Do you still have the dog?
Animals are great and much more loyal than these fuckwits.

We had planned to get two kittens and my ex was full of them and how he couldn't wait. When we collected them he sat their cooing all over them and sweet talking their previous Mammy. Then the very next day he fucks off and says he doesn't think cats should be in the house and they smell and are noisy. Fucking dickhead....he knew what cats are like we had one already.
Yeah..your ex is a total.knob for abandoning the dog never mind the children. Poor dog doesn't know where he's gone.

I'd happily go round and give him a piece of mind. He's treated you all abominably.

Do you have children? I might have muddled you witj brainache when I mentioned children. Sorry if I did.
So many fuckwit men around leaving a lot of devastated women, children and pets in their wake.

Why is he ringing you saying that @missbee90 ?

He needs to leave you alone, that's really selfish.

@Trudeau25 Sorry that you found that out after :( Mine tried to do that, he tried to pretend he was going to move out to be alone, 'to do his own thing' he was going to pretend to be single for a bit and then announce that he had just met this 19 year old co-worker a few weeks later. So stupid as everyone at work knew anyway!

I don't know who he thought he could fool with that one. She also slipped up posting about how it had been a thing for a while on her facebook when he had posted he had just become single!!

Try not to look at any social media I wish I hadn't.

Hope everyone is okay (as can be).