Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Don't apologise @missbee90 I know what it's like! x

I honestly just gave up trying to figure them out. I feel like he's a stranger to me now. I don't know if I ever knew him.

now I just think he’s going to change and be the worlds best friend and boyfriend but wasn’t able to do that for me.

He isn't though. He might change for a while and behave himself for a while but they can't really change.

You’re both so wise and I know you’re right! One day it will all make sense.. I read this earlier and it is so true, just have to remind myself

“Thoughtless, emotionally unavailable jerks do not just magically transform into amazing people who suddenly, after leaving you, take responsibility for their actions and are capable of genuine emotional connections, accountability, honesty, loyalty & empathy.”

Hi Ladies,
How are you all? X

Hello everyone.

It has been a long time since I've been on here. I went back to work and it was so full on that I haven't had much time to dwell on things.

Things have moved on in lots of ways. I'm still sad and I'm still angry, but it hurts a lot less.

I had to see my ex as he came off his midlife crisis motorbike and I'm still down as his next of kin, so got a call. He was fine. A bit bruised, but of course I went to him because I care and needed to know he was ok and being looked after. We've been pretty constantly in touch since. He messages me good morning and good night every day again. Like nothing happened.

He has opened up a bit now. He has actually given me something approaching an explanation - which is bollocks, but has given me some sort of an idea of what went on. It was like pulling bloody teeth, though.

He says he felt like I wasn't that bothered. That he did everything for us and I just showed up when I wanted and seemed to take it all for granted.

I get why he might have thought that. He was wrong, though! He moved quite a long way away - selling up the house he had bought for us to move into together without any discussion. This meant that I had to travel for over an hour every time I wanted to see him, but I did it 3 times a week. Never cancelled.

And I've said somewhere before, I think, about his weird attitude to presents and how he would never let me do things to help. Never let me cook. Never let me wash up.

But although it's was on his own instruction, he took it as evidence that I didn't care, somehow.

He accepts, however, that that was his doing and he has apologised for making me feel so awkward and unlike myself. I live to help. I will do anything for anyone - he would just be so mean if I tried to help him. He once did the washing up again after I'd done it because 'I don't like anyone but me washing up because they don't do it properly'. How was I supposed to react to that?!

He also said he feels inferior to me and he found that difficult. I know he has a complex about that. I am highly educated and quite successful in my career. I have some talents and a super high achieving family and I know he never felt like he matched up (he absolutely did, but this is about his perception, not mine. Ever). I know his new (not so new now - it's getting on for 6 months) girlfriend probably gives his ego a massive boost in a way that I didn't.

What it has spelled out for me is that this is all about him and his issues. It was never about me.

He is basically miserable. He is eating too much, self-medicating with chocolate and clearly not doing so well. He says he has realised now that I was right - it was completely fixable if he'd only talked about it instead of cutting and running the way he did. He says he has learned from past relationships (his toxic marriage) that talking about problems changes nothing. He sees he was wrong about that now.

So he is wallowing in self-pity and blaming himself for ending his perfect relationship because of his own inability to talk and trust that I would work with him to sort things out.

He says he span it round in his head, finding evidence for it 'not being right' and couldn't think of a solution, so just ended it. He agreed when I told him that was stupid - how can he get any solution when he's only looking at his own side of the problem?

He has also said he is angry with me for not fighting for him. He took the fact that I said 'ok' and disappeared as evidence he was right - I wasn't bothered.

But, again, he accepted that he hadn't given me much choice. He ended it in such a final way. He said 'I'm done' and a week later, I sent him a message asking if he was absolutely sure. Couldn't we talk about it and mend it?' And he replied ' no. I've thought a lot about this. I won't change my mind.'

So how exactly was I supposed to 'fight'?!

But he knows that was wrong now. He has said that he is too aware that he caused this - and caused us both untold pain- and it wasn't the right thing to do.

He's basically an idiot and I know - and he knows - that he will always regret this.

He loves me. He says he has been and always will be entirely mine (which is ridiculous now he's with someone else!)

He seems to be treating his poor girlfriend quite badly, actually. He has told her I'm non-negotiable. That I'll always be in his life and he will always message me several times a day because we share everything. I don't have a clue why she is putting up with that. She must have self-esteem issues.

So it's sad and stupid and a massive waste of a good relationship.

But I don't feel so wretched knowing this was never about me. It's all about his incapability to deal with things by communicating.

In other news...

The guy I started dating in December is still on the scene. It's going really well and we have a lot of fun. Not sure it's going anywhere, but I'm quite happy just to have the distraction.

And ex's take on it: 'didn't take you long, did it, considering you reckon you were utterly heartbroken'

Didn't take me long?! He was with someone else within a sodding week!! Cheeky bastard.

How is everyone else?

Any news on everyone else's menchildren?

@Sausage101

@carrotflinger

@Missbee90

@brainache78 I really hope you find peace and happiness away from him. He may know he was wrong now but he still dismantled your relationship and broke your heart. I hope that he's not impinging on your relationship too much. Sounds like you're back on your feet

OP he arrogance is breathtaking.
Why are you giving this self serving turd any of your time and attention?
He is now treating her with contempt by waving you in her face. You are non negotiable? What an arrogant prick.
I know it's nice to believe that after what he did to you he now regrets it. Sorry but he doesn't. Don't let him reel you back in.
He's probably over the first flush of excitement with the new woman and would like to keep you on the back burner unless he dumps her or she dumps him.
The washing up scenario alone shows what a twat he is.

He's being a dick.
I've name changed - I'm carrotflinger.

As you can see from my name I lost my Dad. He died on Easter Saturday very suddenly and completely unexpectedly. It was a symptomless heart problem. I'm devastated.

My dickhead ex has obviously just found out and has been phoning all night(I didn't picked up as it was an unknown number) and sending all kinds of messages so then I realized this new number was him. He wanted to come round and see me etcetc blahbalh.
Didn't take long though for him to start writing stuff like
"Do you know I still cry every night about us?" "There#s nobody like you" and all kinds of other shit.
I wish I hadn't responded to his first text.
I don't really believe he cries every day about us - I've seen photos of him completely legless in a local bar on several occasions!

I just cannot cope with anything at all. I have to get back to the UK and bury my father and I lost my mother 5 years ago and now this selfish dick pops up making it all about him and how he is feeling.

And the funny thing was, while he was making contact I got an email notification about Brainache's post!
I'm really glad you are having fun with the bloke you are dating! Doesn't matter if it doesn't go anywhere.
I didn't progress with any of the flirtations and offers I had. Some of the men were absolutely lovely but I am not ready for something serious so I didn't let anything go any further. I need more time to get over this fuckwit and now of course I have bigger things on my mind than some two-bit dipstick.

He says he felt like I wasn't that bothered. That he did everything for us and I just showed up when I wanted and seemed to take it all for granted.

He likes to find excuses for treating you so badly doesn't he OP?
The fact that he is now messing another poor girl around tells you everything you need to know. He's past the first flush of 'romance' and is probably bored already.
Don't let him bewitch charm you with his sob stories! Was his marriage really toxic by the way? Or is he actually the toxic one in his relationships?
I have followed your story and whilst I agree that the situation is 'sad and stupid' it really doesn't sound like it is 'a waste of a good relationship'.
You have moved on. Please don't let him reel you back in.
Read your posts back from the start of this thread! Remind yourself of what he said and did at the time. Listen to that, not the explanation/reasons he is giving you now

PS... He is right to have an inferiority complex around you.
You are more intelligent, emotionally mature and loyal than he.
You know the little lads at school who can't regulate their behaviour or emotions? They strut around treating others how the hell they like and have an excuse for everything?
Your ex reminds me of them. He is a snivelling man child.

It’s always always about them and their egos. His wasn’t massaged quite enough. A new exciting girl gave him that but he’s still not happy and would like some more massaging from you. You’ve done so well, I’ve read from the beginning, don’t get sucked into pitying and looking after this needy man who only cares about himself. You need to tell him you don’t want to hear from him or see him again.

@Brainache78 - Lovely to hear from you. I’m really pleased you’ve had some kinda closure but sorry to hear he’s been trying to worm his way back in your head. It sounds like he’s realised that he made a mistake but is incapable of being on his own hence the girlfriend. I’m glad things are going well with the guy you’re dating.. just enjoy it for what it is right now. Glad you’re back to work and it’s keeping you busy.

@lostmydad I am so sorry about the loss of your father, sending so much to love you.

Me.. I was doing really well.. then I saw some photos of him and his new girlfriend, it’s knocked me for six and I’m struggling to get out of this struggle at the moment. He looked so happy and was all over he.. he never acted that way with me. We’re still NC and to be honest I feel like his life is better than ever and I’m the bad person but hopefully it’ll pass. Just find it difficult that he appears to be the perfect boyfriend to her and has changed for someone he’s known 8 months. Sorry my post isn’t more positive, I was doing so well but the last week I’ve just felt shite!

@WhiteDust is right - he is blaming you

And does it sound like that HE is the one taking you for granted? He ended your relationship like he was crushing a bug under his thumb

He has a new gf but clearly thinks he can waltz back into your life and charm you again with texts. While having the gf there to stroke his ego, torture her a little and to have sex

He may have a new story but he doesn't sound like he has changed. He sounds very entitled to both your and her time.

He has not changed, not really. Not meaningfully. Not enough to be the partner you deserve. You sound like you realise that you are better than him and that he was insecure for so long for no real reason. That he had to feel threatened rather than proud of your cleverness, good job, family etc says it all no?

@Missbee90 I felt this way with my last ex. Thankfully I had the sense to block all social media & despite being tempted I have not forced myself to look at the happy couples photos and gushing captions when not too long ago he was saying all that stuff to me

Two things:

• social media really is showing your best side. Plenty of people present crumbling shitty relationships as true loves on SM. My ex in particular always seemed to have something to prove

• he hasn't changed: has he been to therapy? Did he take a long break before dating again? What's your fit feeling?

The ego screams that he's better off, she's better than you too, they will be wildly happy forever, the only block to his happiness was YOU and if there wasn't something so fundamentally wrong with you, you would have him

It's lies. Funny how all our egos say the same thing! Maybe it's true in 1/100 cases, but it usually isn't

I know that I have taken time off from dating to acknowledge and feel my issues. I know that our relationship was doomed and I ignored every yellow to red flag. I know that I have been given so much after this breakup - my free time, new friends, not being caught up in a relationship that was inevitably going to end badly, the realisation that my issues brought me here and I can change, the vow I made to myself to never settle

My ex? He settled. He didn't just settle - he tripped over the first person he met and sat down there. I'm not being mean or funny, he actually didn't even go out dating. He didn't even wait three months.

He just ripped me a new arsehole about how he had 'healed' in that tiny window of time, that now what he wants in relationships has 'changed' and he now sees little things that would have made us incompatible in the long run

The reality? He was so petrified to be alone, so desperate to have his d*ck sucked again, so unable to process our breakup in a healthy way that the first person who made eyes at him qualified to be his new girlfriend. Or maybe he had her in his pocket. Maybe he did cheat. Fuck knows

I haven't kept up with him but I know that he slotted her into all the plans we had - the holidays, Christmas etc. It's kind of insulting

I still can't believe it sometimes but I know without a doubt, this man is not doing better without me, the thorn in his side. I was a great partner. I'm a lovely person - I'm unlike anyone he has or will meet again. I had my issues in our relationship but it was never unfixable

The reality is that we are incompatible today because I have outgrown him. Emotionally immature men don't know what they want. They don't love themselves. They have a limited ability to love others because they are incapable of loving others and want you there to plunder validation and affection and more

Don't mistake the new car smell & delusion for wild happiness. My ex is going to always be miserable and hunting for someone to save him so long as he doesn't truly esteem and love and value himself. So long as he cannot be alone, he will pick relationships that will give him that outcome until he wises up

I feel very very sorry for him. He said the right things and did them for a bit but he let me slip from his fingers like water. It was such an own goal, a kick in the arse. But for me, it fills me with grief but somehow gratitude.

Nobody is 'better' than me fundamentally. We all have our lovely and horrid bits. Love is about accepting that, taking that in and growing

@AsleepAllDay Thank you so so much for taking the time to message, your message makes so much sense. He doesn’t do social media, I still followed his sister (we were together for 11 years and married a year so I was very close to the family and I knew his sister before we got together).. I’ve now muted her so I don’t see anything.

he hasn't changed: has he been to therapy? Did he take a long break before dating again? What's your fit feeling?

No therapy, he started dating her within months of leaving me, met her at a mutual friends wedding 3 weeks after leaving me, a wedding I couldn’t bring myself to go to because I was in such a bad place.

It’s right what you say about nobody being better than anyone. My friends, family and some of his more distant family who have reached out to me always have nothing but nice things to say about me but I guess him leaving me made me doubt that and made me believe I’m not as “lovely” as I thought, mind you when he left all he did was say how amazing I was blah blah blah.

I know I wasn’t perfect, I know there are things I could’ve done different but I loved him, respected him and was faithful to him and that’s what I have to remind myself.

@brainache......had to see my ex as he came off his midlife crisis motorbike - that's the funniest thing I've read on here in ages.....karma comes in many forms.

Thanks for the update and KOKO

Kar: It’s always always about them and their egos. His wasn’t massaged quite enough. A new exciting girl gave him that but he’s still not happy and would like some more massaging from you.

THIS OP!!!

@KOKOtiltomorrow couldn’t agree more, @brainache78 that gave me a right chuckle this morning

Wow. Thanks everyone. It's so good to hear from you all!

@lostmydad. I am so, so sorry to hear your news. It's totally devastating and I can't imagine what you've been through. Sending lots of love and hugs.

As for ex-dickhead turning up in the middle of it all like a bad smell you can't shift; wafting about and tainting everything with his self-centred stink. I'm sorry for that too. How DARE he?! When you need supportive, loving people around you. I am LIVID 

@missbee90 I agree with what's been said by others. Not only are the pictures no indication, you have to realise also that he probably has to make this work now to justify his behaviour. If he allows himself to slip and be himself, he risks it collapsing and that would mean facing up to the fact that he's totally fucked everything up for no reason. He will be on 100% best behaviour, but it won't last. Rebound flings so rarely do.

You have done so well. You really have. Stay strong.

@AsleepAllDay. Thank you so much. You write so well and sound amazing. Thank you for reading everything and posting. You are right about so much.

As for my ex. He has a whole encyclopaedia of issues, but he is so 'one rule for him and one for everyone else' that, although he encouraged to to go to therapy when I was depressed and then nagged me when I stopped going, he would never think about going himself. He thinks (in his own words, actually) that he should have all the answers and talking to other people doesn't help.

I told him how breathtakingly arrogant that statement is, but he has this way of 'humourously' batting off my opinion on that with a sort of 'yes. I'm a hypocrite, but I'm different.'

Really not funny, though. He's killing himself with his brand of sticking his head in the sand, sticking things in boxes, not talking to anyone about anything and discarding any opinions which are not his own.

He's always going to be miserable unless he sorts out his own head.

He's not my problem anymore, though.

Thanks everyone, again.

@KOKOtiltomorrow

Yes. Once I'd got over the shock off 'your partner has been in an accident' and realised he was ok, I did manage a little smile that he is such a massive cock and can't control the big beast of a motorbike that he had to have to feel like the big man. I'll bet that bruised his ego!

Oh by the way - my fuckwit ex has also bought a motorbike. Is a motorbike a cock extension or what? I hope he stays sober long enough to ride it.
I feel terrible this morning - his texts last night have really upset me. He was offering all kinds of help and wanting to come round etc. Turned out he was sat in the car in the next street texting me. Telling me how wonderful my Dad was. Offering to lend me his car to drive back etc.

Then it all suddenly turned into how awful his parents are (this is true), how terrible he feels, how he cries all the time, how there are loads of things he can't do any more because his heart is broken.
And so on and so forth.
I wonder if he has forgotten that he fucked off in November claiming he had met someone new at a party and wanting to start a relationship with her and how I was a terrible person and didn't do this that and the other for him.

@AsleepAllDay
I've just reread your post because so much of it is familiar to me. It's like they are clones.

The thing about taking the first person they come across and slotting them in is exactly the same. My ex actually said 'you weren't fighting for me and she asked me out, so I said yes because I needed the transfusion.'

Transfusion?! What a charmer. What a way to treat a woman! All about him and his needs. Not thinking for a moment that there is another person involved with her own feelings and desires. She will probably fall head over heals for him (on the front of it he is quite the catch) yet he is totally unavailable. Plus, he hasn't dealt with any of his issues, so it just can't go
well long term.

Plus, he can't easily slot her in. In our group of friends, they love me as the individual they knew years before we got together. He will feel really strange introducing her and they will find it difficult to accept her. I know she hasn't met any of his family yet. I think he may be keeping her firmly at arm's length (although I have no clue if that's true, it's just a feeling I get).

And although he has been chatting, he won't mention her to me even when I ask directly. He says it's 'too difficult' to talk about her to me. I told him he can't just pretend she doesn't
exist. But he says he just can't. Because he still belongs to me and it feels 'wrong'

That has none of us in a very happy place, does it?!

He is being a total clown and I am starting to pity him.

Oh jeez, @lostmydad!

What a total head fucker.

What is wrong with them?!

I hope you tell him that you don't need his help. You don't need his thoughts or feelings. You don't want to know because something very important has happened that is about you and your family and nothing whatsoever to do with him.

He's such a twat. I am seething for you.

Another thing that strikes me is the predictability of all of this behaviour.

If you read back at the beginning there were loads of people (me included) saying 'they will regret this when the finally realise what they've done.'

And they are doing just that. They have stuck their heads up their arses until they couldn't breathe anymore and are now resurfacing and thinking 'what did I do?'

Whereas we all felt the pain and dealt with it. Did a lot of processing and thinking and taking cold, hard looks at ourselves (most of which wasn't necessary, as we weren't really the problem). So we are healed/nearly healed and they are right back at the start. And it's worse for them because they caused it. I don't mean we should feel sorry for them, just that this is exactly what we knew was going to happen, because you can't jump ship and have no fall-out. They were in those relationships with us doing the things we did together and sharing our lives. If the didn't miss us, they'd be psychopaths.

@brainache78 it was such a funny sentence - totally encapsulates how out of control and self deluding he is, to have the motorbike and not even know how to ride it

It's so true what you say about them being predictable. Men with these issues really are the same and the patterns repeat themselves endlessly.

I'm figuring out slowly how to focus on my life and who I am instead of this. I was talking to a friend the other week and we agreed that he will inevitably pop by with his tail between his legs at some point

But it really will be empty words if he hasn't changed. Sounds like the men on these threads have had a lightbulb moment but it's too little too late, and not meaningful enough

We all deserve better from this. In fact it's not even deserving - it's just that we know that better is out there and we can have it.

Society often teaches women that men are not perfect, that we can 'put up' with certain things to have a partner. That someone who 'fights' for you is the one who is worth in the end.

But the fact is, they left. They had that moment where anything was better than being with you. Where another woman seemed EXACTLY the answer.

I don't need this energy in my life. I don't need to outlast and wait out a rebound fling to get this man back.

He will be holding his breath and trying to tiptoe around being perfect. Then, as you said, his real self comes out and the same choked up, toxic, miserable patterns repeat

With my ex I was shocked with how cold he became. I said it was like talking to a wall. I couldn't comprehend how the man I thought I knew became someone else as soon as another woman was in the vicinity.

I don't need to be love bombed by someone like that, so emotionally unstable. If I'm a prize then he lost me

Same with these fellas. They're coming in hot about things not being the same & how they'll always care. Throw them in a situation with you that requires genuine patience and attention, a real problem to face, and see how fast they run again. No change