Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

@carrotflinger No children.. was 7 weeks away from coming off the pill! But the dog was our baby. I’m not going to answer any numbers I don’t know anymore, if it’s someone I need they’ll message me. I’ll be ok, just shite isn’t it xx

@Missbee90 - ah yes, now I remember. The fuckwit was taking about having children with you and then he does off. In one way that is better (although heartbreaking for you) than you having a couple of children with him and he merrily trots off leaving you with young children to bring up alone.
That's the best idea with the phone - unknown number, don't pick up. They can leave a message or send a text.
My problem was that my phone is also my business phone but he seems to have packed in trying to contact me now. He was really selfish the last time he went off and constantly phoning and crying like yours is doing. It's manipulative. I think they get off on the idea of having someone pining for them and also like to keep a toe in the door in case they "need" to come back - ie. when the new woman turns out not to be so great after all or won't put up with their shit.

Can I ask what the dog thinks about all of this?
One of my cats was very upset the last time fuckwit did off and I'm not sure this time... BUT he has been very ill since around two weeks after the fuckwit left so I don't know if it has upset him.
Fuckwit wanted to keep coming round to visit the cats (having said they stank etc) but I told him to fuck off. He did this the last time and it was just an excuse to wheedle his way back in.

@sausage101 Because he’s a selfish prick who thinks by telling me he’s sad it will make me feel better.

@carrotflinger The dog was really sad to be begin with and would wait for him by the door but now he doesn’t give a shite. He also tried to come round and see the dog but I said no as it’s not fair! Hope your cats ok now xx

Well good luck to everyone, I probably won't check in much anymore so all the best for the future. x

@Missbee90
Glad about the dog. I was worried.
And you're right to say no to visiting the dog. Fuck off. You walked out on the poor animal. It's much better for the dog that the upset happens once and then he's over it and not have him getting excited to see the dickhead and then upset again when he does off again. You're doing the right thing there.
My cat is very ill - I think his time is coming. His sister died in the summer and it was a huge blow. Then fuckwit walks out of his life just as two new kittens walk in. He doesn't miss fuckwit anymore and he likes the kittens but he is getting old and tired and has some kind of incurable health condition (vet doesn't know what it is)

@Sausage101
Sorry that you're leaving us. I hope that is maybe because you don't need us so much now? Good luck, anyway. You've got this. Onwards and upwards!

@Missbee90 I'm so sorry he's being a massive cockburger and making things so difficult for you. He really is one of the most selfish specimens I've heard of on here. And there are lots of them about.

@sausage101 You too, glad you’re doing better, you got this! Xx

@Brainache78 selfish is his middle name, how are you? Xx

@sausage101 - also sorry that you are leaving us. Hope things turn out alright for you in the end.

He’s fucking moved in with her, they’re renting somewhere together. Broken once again...

@Missbee90 - oh that must be awful for you. Sorry :-(

AND he expects me to believe he met her 3 months ago. BULLSHIT.

It is bullshit.
No contact with him ever again. You don't have to speak to him and have him wittering on about how sad he feels. He feels fucking guilty and so he should but that's his problem.
Divorce issues can be dealt with via solicitors.

I don't understand how he was going on saying "There'll be a baby in there by Christmas" etc knowing full well he was planning to do off.
My ex asked me to marry him again in the summer and later claimed he'd been having doubts since the spring.
I suppose if he asked he'd claim I wanted him to propose etc... but that's bollocks.

I think that they don't know what the truth is and they don't know what they want and are unstable. Imagine having a penis and only been driven by what it says?... ooh look - there's sexy blonde with big breasts.....ooh look - she's got a nice body...ooh off I go, following my penis.

It's pathetic.

You and your dog (and me and my cats and the other women on this thread) are worth way more than that.

@carrotflinger God these “men” are all crazy, emotionally unavailable and incapable of love.

I think we all just have to accept is that they are a liar, broken, and we cannot believe the words coming out of their mouth. Twat is self-serving and anything he says is only to satisfy his own ego. I will find no truth or explanation from him that is reality. These men cannot face the reality of what they have done so they will justify their actions with lies and rewriting history. They will blame us for what we “lacked” as to why they leave. Don’t believe any of it, the truth is in their actions, never their words.

We also have to believe that any other woman is NOT making him truly happy. There is not a human being in the world who can “make” another person happy. Happiness comes from contentment within them. These men lack that. They are severely damaged and trying to fill a void that no person can do. No one person will ever be enough, and these men will never truly be happy. The hole they are trying to fill will remain and they will repeat these actions over and over again.

The best thing I have done is to cut off all contact, and I won’t allow him to weave his poison into my headspace any longer.

@Missbee90
Everything you says is so true. Perfectly put.
Yeah, at the end everything was my fault. He made me feel like shit, made me feel like my expectations were unreasonable. Actually, he is the one who is the mega twat with the unreasonable expectations - expecting someone to be there for him all the time but not giving support in return.

It is 100 days today since he left, attempting to fucking flit off without even telling me. I never thought I would survive it BUT I am surviving and thriving. Sometimes I have bad days but most of the time I feel good. I am glad he is not here when I come home. I have the lovely cats here and no one moaning and whinging and demanding food on the table. I have no drunkard coming in shouting at 4 am. I have no one demanding that I help him study for the latest of his ridiculous schemes.

Don't feel like I am ready to start a new relationship and actually would like some time to myself to recover. There are a couple of potentials hanging around but I have said I need to get my strength back and find myself before starting a new relationship. I want to avoid getting latched on to by yet another narcissist.

Missbee90 - it is good that you have cut off contact. You were doing well until he started pissing about again, crying etc. This is what mine did the last time he left and I took him back in the end due to all this emotional manipulation. You can't recover with some dickhead making it all about him and his feelings.

Just checking in to see how everyone is
@Brainache78, @Missbee90 @Sausage101 @Trudeau25

I am hoping everyone is doing a bit better - no one has posted for a couple of weeks so that is a good sign.

This last week I have really not given a flying fuck about my ex at all.
I can see him for the shitbag he is.

I had a wobble a couple of weeks ago where a couple of men flirted with me and hugged me etc and I ended up crying about it. I just couldn't cope with the idea at all.
This weekend though I was out with someone else as part of a group thing - we have known each other for a while. He split with his long term girlfriend last year. There was definite chemistry and hugging etc. I didn't want to scream and run away and cry so that is an improvement and I also started to think that a new relationship is possible and I should just take things as they come. I am ready to move on now and if things develop with his guy, great.... and if not, I have seen that there are men out there that are really nice and fanciable and fun.

Hi @carrotflinger not bad thanks, hopefully starting some more study and doing some short courses at the moment so that is keeping me busy.I don't see him or from him at all any more. I had some interest from a guy a few weeks ago who is really nice but I'm just not ready.

I'm waiting to hear that the ex is marrying the teenage dream or she is pregnant but whatever. Nothing would surprise me anymore.

You sound like you are doing better carrot. :)

Hope everyone else is getting on okay.

So lovely to hear from you ladies. I’ve been doing ok but having a bit of a wobble today too... posted this thread too

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3519544-Dating-after-my-husband-left-me-8-months-ago?watched=1&msgid=85233723#85233723

...and it’s making me question if dating is the right thing to me doing.. don’t know if I’m coming or going today. Paying the prick £55,000 on Friday to buy him out the house so that’s not helping my mentality either. Sorry ladies .. you’ve caught me on shit evening.

I just read your thread, I think you're on the same timeline as me, did he leave in July? I still find it too soon, I think I need a few more months.

@sausage101 Yeah it was July. How the F can he move in with someone and yet I’m struggling to even date.. just mad how these “men” work

@Sausage - the courses are a really positive thing. None of us actually need a man (especially not some knob like our exes). We can get on and have a great life and maybe someone will come along.

@missbee
What a prick your ex is but at least when you've bought him out you can bin him off completely and not have to have anything to do with him.
As for the bloke you are dating - if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it and it might be because it's too early or because he isn't quite right for you even if he is lovely. If there's something you can't put your finger on, trust your gut....

I am enjoying coming in and having my flat to myself and not having to think about anyone else and not having to clean up anyone's mess and not having to listen to anyone moaning about anything. I breathe a sigh of relief a lot of the time and I think I am bloody glad that fucker has gone. I could never have imagined me thinking this in November when he left, nor at any point in the previous 5 years. Now the feeling comes quite a lot, "At least I don't have to see that fucker and his fucking hideous family EVER AGAIN". (Well I might bump into him at some point but hopefully I will be able to ignore him"

How the F can he move in with someone and yet I’m struggling to even date.. just mad how these “men” work

I think they are completely ruled by their penises. As long as they are getting their end away everything is fine. Moving in with someone so soon after a relationship breaks up is just their way of guaranteeing sex on tap, plus having someone "looking after" their other needs. This continues until their penis sees something else it likes the look of and then they go around with their tongue hanging out for a bit while deciding whether to jump ship or not and move in with the next one.

Women don't work like that. It's actually very easy to get a new partner quickly. I have had various "offers" and opportunities. I live on the continent (never had this much attention in the UK). As soon as you are single you get loads of men chasing you. So yes, I'm pretty sure I could be shagging someone new/going out with them whatever by now - but it's too early and I have been too emotional about everything.
I am now in a position where I would like to see if anything develops with the guy at the weekend - butterflies in the stomach etc. However I am years away from moving in with anyone or even being in anything more than a casual relationship.

They just shove things in a mental box I think. Who knows. I give up trying to figure it out. Either they are very shallow and don't really fully invest and are waiting for someone new or they do just shove all their feelings in a box and move on.

I just cannot understand why he married me to leave me a year later, makes no sense but have to stop trying to make sense of it. Sounds bitter but I just want him to get his karma.. hate that he’s walked away with an obscene amount of money (despite not putting no deposit in) a new flat, a new girlfriend and a new life and 11 years are forgotten so easily and muggings is sat here paying for the divorce and the mortgage transfer and dealing with liasing with everyone whilst he just gets on with his shiney new life .. just pissed off with it all today. I’ll be ok, I’ve been doing ok.. just a shite few days!

Yeah I know the feeling, it doesn't seem fair.

Not fair is exactly what annoys me!
What fucks me off the most is over the last 8 months he’s constantly banged on about wanting to become a better person so now I just think he’s going to change and be the worlds best friend and boyfriend but wasn’t able to do that for me.. all daft I know, sorry I’m on one today hahaha xx