Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Hope everyone else is good today.

Hope you are okay @carrotflinger

Also welcome @greycloud81 x

Seconded, @AsleepAllDay.
Wise, wise words - and I agree and recognise everything you say.

And hello everyone!

Welcome @GreyCloud81: another one dealing with the same awful situation. Why is this so common?!

My struggle today is this: he told me he has been extremely angry with me for not fighting for him.

And I can't get my brain around how this is my fault? Was I supposed to not accept it when he said 'I'm done - and I won't change my mind'?! What was I supposed to do? Cry? Beg? Turn up on his doorstep?

I was in shock. I walked out of his house with all of my stuff and collapsed. What was I supposed to fight for?! As far as I knew right then, he didn't love me anymore, didn't want me anymore and had decided he wasn't going to change his mind.

It's making me question my sanity.

But also making me question what I did say and do. I told him how hurt I was and how much I didn't understand what he had done. I told him everything I thought and felt early on. He KNEW I didn't want it to end. He KNEW I would have walked on hot coals. So why is it my fault?

Plus - he had replaced me in a week. Was I supposed to do the pick me dance or accept it was over and go off alone to lick my wounds?

How did I get that wrong?!

He's struggling now because he has fucked up and he knows it - but he's still trying to make it my fault.

I'm so confused.

@brainache78 He is a total tosspot.. oh his poor ego because he didn’t have 2 women fighting over him. He knew you was hurting, he knew you didn’t want the relationship to be over, you shouldn’t have to beg someone to stay in your life, ever.

He is self-serving again and anything he says is only to satisfy his own ego. You will find no truth or explanation from him as to what you should have / could have / might have done because in reality these “men” cannot face what they have done so they will justify their actions with lies and rewriting history. They will blame us for what we “lacked” or for not “fighting” as to why they leave. Don’t believe any of it, the truth is in their actions, never their words.

A new women within a week is outrageous, it’s as if he did it just to get a reaction from you. Perhaps he has finally realised that this other woman is NOT making him truly happy. There is not a human being in the world who can “make” another person happy. Happiness comes from contentment within them. These men lack that. They are severely damaged and trying to fill a void that no person can do

I’m so sorry he’s making you doubt yourself, I know exactly how you feel and it’s awful.

@brainache78 I don't know why it's so common, been asking myself the same question the last couple of days, and wondering how I keep ending back up at square one.

What an idiot, despite not wanting to you respect his decision and walk out, and now its all your fault, even though he got with someone else. You did the right thing not begging him, and showed yourself respect. They are idiots, they make mistakes and then just turn them on us, which leaves us even more hurt and confused. Like @Missbe90 said they can't face what they have, or justify it, so just use lies and manipulation. How your ok?

@asleepallday It does suck.. and I'm still waiting. I am annoyed and upset for a million reasons. The worst being that the last year of my life has been a lie, and he had a 'separate ' life with the OW.

But how am i meant to move on with my life, when there is NC. I don't think he can face speaking to me, and hasn't since i found out. BUT he left with the clothes he had on, and she took him in with open arms, I dread to think of the lies he told her for that to happen.

We have a business together, his clothes, belongings, photographs, documents, accounts, just his WHOLE life is left here. There are holidays booked, a house purchase was going through, and I'm left just to deal with it all. Its not just him, his DC lived here 50% of the week too, so its their stuff too. I just feel like I'm drowning.

Why would someone promise someone the world, plan a future with them, tell them they loved them, planning to get married, but set up a new life at the same time, expecting no one to get hurt.

Everyone is so kind - thank you so much. The courage and the empowered thinking does have its flipside too. My ex still shows up in my dreams at night, I've cried many bitter tears, I still think about him idly although I'm trying to delude myself less...

And my story is similar to everyone's, although I didn't have the indignity of being chucked after a year of marriage - how does this man sleep?

My last ex let me down enormously, after all that talk about how incredible and amazing I was, how he never felt like this about anyone, how this was so amazing and what he really deserved.

And how devastated he was when we broke up! We both cried about it, the pain, the sadness, the happiness we shared...

Less than 3 months later and he was in a 'serious' relationship with someone he has known for years (but never copped off with before? Hmm, why not, if this is true love?)

He's a serial monogamist AKA can't be alone in the worst way. I thought him jumping from his ex to me was a one off because that ended so badly that he was ready... turns out it's his pattern and I really lied to myself on that one. He had me convinced that it was so special and so incredible and he was so lucky, this was a real bolt from the blue.

It's a long list of men who have done this to me, one way or another.

He's going to be running from one relationship to the next until he catches up to himself and decides to change. Looking back, I was in a bad way too, very depressed. We fed off each other like vampires, it was clingy and codependent and we called it happiness unlike any other.

I'm still stuck on how he treated me. I have had issues with self esteem and self love but I certainly didn't deserve this. He kept saying later that he 'made the right choice' over and over and over, which is such an insult

I don't think he's capable of making right choices. All he knows is that he needs a woman - any woman - to fill his emotional voids and needs. He can't face life being single and responsible for his own joy and happiness.

He didn't love me or anyone, is my calculation. He has his good points as a person - kindness and generosity and humour, but these aren't what it is to be loving.

I feel sorry for him, now. I'm still struggling to be THAT person for me and it's a year now of being single. But I'm not lying to myself about where I am, or who I'm in bed with and spending all weekend and going on holiday with because doing that on my own feels too bad. I don't need to know anything about the girls who come - because there will be a whole conga line.

Love is also about growth, and being able to work through the rough bits and healing and facing what comes, together. He doesn't know that - he just knows how to suffer in bad relationships with the wrong person or throw good ones away like hot potatoes. It's frustrating to see

@GreyCloud81 let me get back to you. The pain you're in very very obvious and sounds very very fresh. He really did a number on you. The OW may be playing house with him now but I bet he'll do the exact same thing.

We tell ourselves that men who behave badly learn their lessons once they dump us and suddenly become better people with new women.

It cannot be true. We are all in the process of working on ourselves and living and thinking differently. It takes more than a new girlfriend to meaningfully change as a person. It takes time and facing hard truths. I can say without needing a crystal ball that your ex is just starting on his road of cycling through needy women

I had to see my ex as he came off his midlife crisis motorbike and I'm still down as his next of kin, so got a call. He was fine. A bit bruised, but of course I went to him because I care and needed to know he was ok and being looked after. We've been pretty constantly in touch since. He messages me good morning and good night every day again. Like nothing happened

I bet the cheeky fecker got the hospital to call you! You wouldn't normally get a call just because someone was "a bit bruised".

Have you cut all contact now?

That’s a disappointing update. I thought you had found your inner strength and had gone NC. However you seem to be enjoying him treating his girlfriend badly and messaging you twice a day. Not sure that’s a healthy way forward and not sure what you’re getting from him messaging you twice a day apart from feeling your getting one over on his GF.....

Hi everyone,
just checking in - I am back in the UK trying to organize things. I am so weak - ex phoned today and I picked up. He was really lovely at first. Then started saying he feels terrible about what he did when he left and he wants to make it up to me when I am back home by taking me out for a few treats. Bloody hell. I don't want any treats. I want my Dad back.

@carrotflinger Is he a child? Talking about 'treats' when you still have the memory of him mistreating you...

@Asleepallday Can relate soooo much to everything you post. You’re right why do we convince ourselves they’ll be the dream man to the next women... it’s ridiculous! I was my ex husbands first ever girlfriend so I’ve convinced myself I was the trial run for 11 years and now he knows how not to behave.. of course he had good qualities otherwise I wouldn’t have married him and I convince myself all his bad is gone and just the good remain for the new girl .. ridiculous.

I think we were with the same man.. my ex constantly said “I still believe I’ve made the right decision” .. F OFF, you’re a stubborn piece of crap so you wouldn’t dream of ever saying otherwise!

Sending you so much love, you really do sound very balanced and headstrong. I don’t doubt you’re going to end up with someone one day who appreciates all of you.

@carrotflinger I am so sorry he’s still contacting you and trying to sweeten the conversation with “treats”.. he really doesn’t know how to adult does he. Thinking of you

Hope all you other lovely ladies have had a good day xx

@AsleepAllDay
Yes it’s still very raw and it’s early days, being only 2 weeks since the revelation about his other life. I know time is a healer. I’ve been in this boat too many times before, it’s becoming a repeat pattens in my life achievements.
Your right, I sit here thinking he must be doing that, and this, she’s living my life. But he won’t change, he will get comfortable, he will change, the effort will stop, and the cycle will begin again. At least I'm true to myself and feeling, and care about how other people feel. He’s just hurting a string of people along the way, including his young DC, who have spent their lives playing ‘happy’ families with different people, and loosing people they grow to love along the way.

@Missbee90 I think mine was the same man too... the cliche sayings. Is there a hidden textbook somewhere?

@GreyCloud81 I've seen MN posters dealing with midlife crisis men talk about 'the script' they all share when they dump their women and... I guess it exists for earlier ages too! Some men are the same

@GreyCloud81
I'm sorry this has all been such a shock for you and it's such early days. I wouldn't go back to the early days for all the money in the world. I was so heartbroken I wanted to never wake up again.

I've been thinking a lot about what @aweedropofsancerre said. I am definitely not 'enjoying' any of what's happened and what is going on now. That's not the right word at all. I'm sorry I have disappointed you by breaking no-contact, although I'm afraid it was always going to happen at some point as we are irretrievably tied together by all of our mutual friends, but of course you are right. I need to create some big distance again now.

So no, I'm not enjoying it, but I will have to admit - after a bit of soul searching about whether you are right - I do feel a bit vindicated. Because in the first few months I was so devastated, so confused and so sure that what he was saying was just...well...wrong. So the fact that he is admitting he has fucked up is making me feel like I hadn't lost my mind. It is confirming to me that this is all about his own issues.

And as for the way he's treating his new girlfriend - I am definitely not enjoying that, but it is making me see what a scumbag he can be and how I'm better off without him - and yes, selfishly, that all of my fears about him moving on to someone better without a backward glance were unfounded. He hasn't escaped his own issues. He has jumped on the first woman who came along without reflecting or actually even deciding it was better and what his heart truly wants.

So enjoying is the wrong word, but you do have a point.

I hope you're all ok today.

My ex is going on holiday for a week with his girlfriend and that's making me feel sick with jealousy. I'm no further on in some ways. Despite the rational part of my brain knowing that it's good we're both moving on.

There is just no rational in this situation, is there?

Any more contact @carrotflinger? I hope you've sent him away with a boot up his bum. Wanker.

He's being a wanker... keeps sending messages saying he's going to fly out here to help.

For fuck's sake, @carrotflinger. He had zero self-awareness and decency doesn't he?

I'm sorry he's being a dick.

He says he regrets what happens and wants to discuss it when I get back from Dad's funeral.
I ignored that.

Noo @brainache it's not you, or that you didn't fight. I bet you anything if you had he would now be using that and saying to the ow 'oh look she was a mad bitch she wouldn't let me go.' It's not you. He needs to stop saying this stuff to you, it's not fair.

@carrotflinger so still all about him really? Treats? I hope you are okay (stupid question I know).

Sorry to post again, wish there was an edit button. @brainache78 I wouldn't believe anything he says. Maybe it's not all he thought it would be but I'd worry at what his motives are. Even if he's saying the right things it didn't stop him hurting you anyway. I also think it really hurts to know what they are to, holidays etc. I found out mine took that teenager away when I was supposed to be on holiday with him after my accident (it was something I was really looking forward to after 4 months indoors) it hurt so much. Nothing is gained from knowing anything they are up to in my opinion.

brainache sorry to butt into this thread, I am not in this situation.

However, I am on a thread about parenting teenagers and what has struck me is that yours , and others here, appear to have ex-partners that think they are children and not adults and are not entering/ engaging an adult- adult partnership. The " you didn't fight for me" comment triggered this in my head, specifically.

If your teen behaves like this you MUST have compassion/ staying powerand it's a different relationship anyway. But, Are these men stuck in their childhood brains and just not taking responsibility for a full adult relationship? Is this a possible explaination ( not an excuse) though)?

Yes @nakedscientist I think there is a lot of immaturity and entitlement. To have no empathy about dropping someone and moving straight onto someone else with no empathy must mean you are quite immature emotionally really.