Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Similar thing with me just a few weeks ago.
Idiot tried to do a runner when he knew I was going to be out - after 5 years - and having just returned from an amazing holiday.
Turns out he had met a woman a week before we went away and he had spent the week whatsapping her. When we got back, he moved out two days later.
I blocked him on everything (thanks to advice from lovely mumsnetters who posted on my thread) but he turned up a few days later at my door crying saying he missed me etcetc and he wasn't going to do anything with this woman - they had phoned each other and decided it was "too soon".... bet she blew him off.... then he thinks he can take up with me.
Thing is - this is not the first time he has done this. He did it before a couple of years ago and I forgave him. Exactly the same thing - everything was wonderful - he loved me to the moon and back etc - then announces he's not happy and does off the same day! There was also a whatsapp friendship and he wanted to meet this woman (who lived in another country!). It didn't work out - he never even got to meet up with her. Then he was back with me.
So speaking from experience - and I know how awful you must be feeling - please block him and have no contact. It will go pear-shaped with this new woman and he'll be crawling back. Everything will be wonderful with you again, you'll be the most amazing woman etc.... until he meets someone else he wants to try it on with and then he'll say "It hasn't been working for a long time". Utter bollocks - revisionist history.

Stay strong - I am going through exactly the same as you at the moment. It is very hard but it is getting easier every day. I can seem him for the sleaze-bag he really is and I know that I deserve better.

Op also he will never be happy, if he never has a period alone with any reflection and always jumps from one to another for that 'new' feeling, never realising that you make yourself happy and have to work on things that last. You will grow and find someone that won't drop you for the idea of someone new and shiny.

Oh and by the way - my ex also said "there was no overlap"..... they don't count meeting someone at a party or whatever and then whatsapping as overlap. They only count having sex as overlap.
Fuckers like that get the next one lined up before they split with their girlfriend - free of a guilty conscience because they had only had whatsapp contact and no exchange of fluids.

Oh and mine would start whatsapp random women he'd once flirted with years ago as soon as we'd had a disagreement.

@carrotflinger I read your thread, I think your great. Hope you're doing well.

@carrotflinger

Thank you so much sausage101 and carrotfinger.

It's always good to hear from people who have been here and are coming/have come out the other side.

It is so very hard. He's still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night and I walk around feeling like a part of me is missing.

I've never felt pain like it - and I've been through a divorce before and some really tough times.

I want to be angry, but I'm not. Just so, so intensely sad.

Yes it's awful, you thought he had your back and trusted him. I remember waking up every morning in the first month with a big jolt. I'd wake up at 5:30 am after having nightmares about it all. Never been through anything like it.

I think it would be weirder if you weren't feeling like this, you obviously loved him a lot. You will go through a grieving process and you have to be really kind to yourself during it. Make sure you eat and sleep, I didn't and weeks later I felt awful.

I felt like you, just wanted to be angry but I just felt sad. The only time I started to feel angry was when I started to look at his actions and not him on the pedestal in the relationship.

It will take time but you will start to feel better, the sadness will get less intense.

I keep dreaming about my ex -- and just nice things. Then I wake up in the morning and have a massive heart clunk when I realize he isn't there and he is gone forever (because I am not taking him back no matter what).
I am beginning to feel more anger than sadness now. I can see where he messed me about. I am angry at myself for talking him back the last time. We were engaged and had begun planning a wedding and he did off. Then I took him back and this summer he started talking about getting married again and I said I would need a little more time after what happened the last time - so he said he would propose next year (ie. 2019).
And now, as he was diddling off, he claims he was having lot of doubts before the summer - so why did he ask me to marry him again?

OP, the sadness will give way to anger I think.
The pain is terrible - I've had chest pains.

The book "It's called a break up because it's broken" really helped me. Someone recommended it on my thread. It gives you a good talking to but in a funny way and there are activities.
One of the things it says is a 60 day he-tox. ie. no contact, nothing. At the end you can reward yourself with a treat. I thought 60 days would be a bit long for me so I have divided it into 30 and 60 and made a calendar which is now on the fridge. I am ticking off the days and getting closer to my 30 day treat which I have chosen already and really looking forward to.
Would something like that help you?

I like that, Carrot.

I am currently off work with an attack of depression, which I've had all my life and which has laid me low for a couple of months (before all this happened - so it was just what I didn't need!) I need ideas of how to be kind to myself, because I'm already recovering from a very, very low point.

Maybe that's why he doesn't want me - I always tried to put on a brave front with him. I don't think I've been down and miserable with him, but maybe I've just been an emotional drain. Who knows?

That's the complicating factor for me. I'm on new medication - having switched from a massive dose of one AD to another massive dose of a different one, so my emotions are already being knocked about along with my sleep and my sense of self.

So it's doubly as hard to see the wood for the trees.

Thank you all for understanding and being so comforting.

Oh no - that just sounds awful for you.
Get the book - honestly, I was skeptical at first but it was fun. They also have ideas for things you can do to take your mind off it.

Please don't think that you were an emotional drain on him. It was probably the other way round - he drained your strength.
This is what happened to me - I really thought I was losing it. I developed social anxiety but now I can see it was due to him bringing me down - even though, at the time, I thought the relationship was fantastic.

My ex would diddle off and start whatsapping other women the minute I needed a bit of support with anything. That is no way to behave in a relationship.

A man who starts "looking around" for someone else the minute his partner is feeling unwell, has depression, has complained about something he did or didn't do - is not relationship material. It's pathetic.
There are plenty of men who have run off and left a wife dealing with a cancer diagnosis and a couple of children. This happened to two women my Mum went to school with.

Don't blame yourself or your depression. He wasn't worthy of you.
Get yourself well for you.

Hugs x xx
(and if you want feel free to PM me)

Don't blame yourself, if it was that he could have talked to you about things. And whatever partner we find none of us are invincible, there will come a time when one of us is ill and needs more than the usual. Don't start thinking it's you, he probably is the same as my ex, been flattered by attention from someone else and is quite selfish.

I have been in a simular situation but from the other perspective.
Was friends with a man for a long time, we ended up dating then married. I loved him, respected him and enjoyed every minute with him. He was/is such a kind person and i still think the world of him, but i knew deep down that we werent right for eachother. I loved him more than any man i had been in a relationship with but in all honesty he never set my world alight. I loved him like a best friend. It wasnt enough for me and if im honest he deserved more. So i ended it. I was with someone within weeks. I kept it quiet. Not because i had cheated on him but because i didnt want to hurt him. I had realised and accepted a long time before it wasnt what i wanted but it took me some time to end it. Yes i loved him. Yes i missed him. Yes i wished it had worked out differently but i couldnt go back. It wasnt right.
Even told me i was making a huge mistake etc and i did go on to have an awful abusive relationship but i dont regret ending my marriage for one second because i just didnt love him like i should. He deserved the raw passion and so do i, just like you do. We are good friends now and recently he also agreed with my decision and told me he knows why and is glad i did it. I know it hurts like hell but you will gst over this, in time you will see it for the blessing i think it is. In the meantime ride out the pain and be kind to yourself.x

@brainache when it all happened for me I was laid up recovering from a horrible fracture and surgery. He took that time to flounce around with a teenage girl from work. I blamed myself, I was stressed as I was worried I might lose my job, might need more surgery and all sorts. Then I thought why is it my fault that he can't communicate and is selfish? Yeah it wasn't easy but if he had been in my situation I would have done anything for him, not run away at the first bit of attention from soemone with no worries ( an adolescant lol).

This is such a familiar story. I'm 53 and I've seen it so many times over the years.
Unfortunately some men have the ability to completely check out of a previous relationship almost overnight. In with the old and out with the new. It's as if they think they could be missing out on some wonderful charmed existence if they don't grab it now. Men can be completely and utterly self serving. OP this is all so new and raw and a terrible shock. The future you thought you had is now no longer a reality. The man you love is not the person you used to know. anymore and you will spend a period of time questioning everything and doubting and blaming yourself. Although the extent of your pain is telling you otherwise you won't feel like this for too long. Your human instinct for survival and self preservation will naturally start to take over. You will come through this. Lean on friends and family. Tell them your situation and you will be humbled by their love and kindness. Surround yourself with people who truly value you and their love will be your strength. Sending love and hugs xx

How can they ever be happy thinking like that @Zerrin13 that's what I wonder when it goes round in my head.

Compartmentalisation

As far as I'm aware, men do this?

So you're quite possibly in a box over there 👉🏻
And she's in a box over there 👈🏻

Occasionally he'll open the box and ring you, keeping his options open if the new relationship goes t**s up. Please understand this is him and nothing wrong with you. Horrible to go through but take each day at a time and lean on people for support.

People are being really supportive and I'm so lucky to have so many amazing friends who are holding my hand through it all.

Unfortunately, there is no one there for me in the middle of the night or when I wake up in the morning feeling stricken with grief and betrayal.

Compartmentalisation is exactly what it is and exactly what he does. I know I'm in a box that's been shoved into a corner of his mind somewhere.

I feel like a mug for loving him so much and I wish I could turn it off.

I wish I could Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind him and remove all memories of him from my brain.

Sorry for being all waaaa waaaa waaa - I'm putting such a brave face on for my DC that I'm needing to let it out on here. Thank you for indulging me.

Oh, honey - the stupid fucker will realise that grass isn't greener on the other side, it;s just more grass. Life is life - we live it together, the ups and downs, bills, work, rigmarole, etc. It sounds like you both had so much similar going - that's rare to find in a friend, let alone a partner. Don't ever blame yourself - it's absolutely not you - it's him, as cliched as that sounds. For whatever reason he;s thinking it's going to be great in this new relationship. They always do. And it goes tits up. Because, guaranteed he was seeing her at the same time - therefore, the true trust and love and depth of feeling s will never, ever, be there.

He says he still loves me

Yep and that's why he ended it?
Sounds like keeping his options open?

He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me

Then why hasn't he come back?
Sounds like he's keeping his options open?

yet he is sticking to his guns
See if it works out with her?

Hes had his head and will regret it when the novelty wears off. Please try to stay strong when he does this and he will do it again to you. I feel for you. A lot of men are weak but dont let this make you bitter.i hope she shits on him (not literally)

Meant to say had his head turned

He probably started questioning his commitment to you a while ago but was going through the motions while he came to a decision. I'm so sorry for you but you have to accept that it's over and stop asking yourself why and what you could've done better.

You're not being waaa or going on, you're describing how most of us that have posted on here have felt. This is what these forums are for. It's only been a few weeks, don't be so harsh on yourself.

Questioning his commitment because someone else came into the picture.

It's so immature op, be glad he's gone in a time, you don't want to stay with someone that thinks 'oh no, I suddenly fancy someone else, I have changed and we are no longer meant to be.'