Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

Mornings are the worst but bit by bit they will get easier, keep your friends around when you can and talk. If you need to talk more, post here. Been wondering how you are

A lot of us, unfortunately, have been through what you’re going through now. It really is just taking each day as it comes. I would wake one morning feeling positive about life and then the following day would be at rock bottom continuously crying and feeling desperately sad. You will feel helpless because you’re powerless to make things right, but things will eventually get better, I promise. Lean on friends and family because it is they that will get you through the days ahead.

You'll get support on here. Remember that

We had a great sex life even up until the night before he dumped me (only he knowing it would be the last time) My exH did this to me. I had a thread about it ages ago under another username. It's a horrible, deceitful act that is unforgivable.

And I'll be calling on it - I know I will.
Your collective strength and wisdom is making me feel less alone. It's the feeling of loneliness that I'm struggling with alongside everything else.

You're all pillars of strength and I'm so grateful x

OP I’m sorry he’s treated you like this. Same happened to me although we’d only been together a year. He told me it was over whilst we were abroad on holiday. I was devastated. He actually told me that so far as he was concerned we’d gone away as friends. Absolute bs!
I cut contact with him when I got home after a few nonsense ‘it’s not you it’s me’ type messages. I was fuming and hurt. Most of all I was confused because I had no idea what had gone wrong.
I found out whilst noseying around FB that he had a new gf. I wasn’t bothered by then (many months later) but then found out when and where he’d met her, before we went away. Obviously!!
At least you know. It’s small consolation if any at all. You will be ok but it will take time. You need time to grieve, be angry, be sad but try to keep your dignity. I did. It’s the one thing out of all of it that I’m thankful for. By the time I found out about the OW I was well over it anyway. She’s welcome to his laziness, poor personal hygiene, overbearing mother, alcohol problem and emotional dependence. It’s amazing what time and space does. Be strong, you’ve got this

-brainache78
I know what you mean about the mornings. If it weren’t for the kids, I don’t think I’d get out of bed.

My husband of 24 years told me a few months ago that he wasn’t happy. Doesn’t feel the spark, attraction anymore. After a few months of trying to work on the relationship, he decided last week that he can’t do it anymore and has organized a flat to rent and will be moving out after his return from work trip overseas on Friday. Kids 15, 18, 20 are completely clueless as we never argued (obviously didn’t communicate very well either) and will be crushed when they find out dad’s moving. I’m dreading it and struggling to cope with my own emotions- not eating, sleeping- but want to get strong for the kids. Struggling with Christmas as well. Everyone says it gets better with time, but it’s hard to imagine right now.

Oh my gosh. trudeau
That's a massive shock. That is way, way worse than what I'm facing.

You poor, poor thing.

I can only imagine what you're going through with the children to consider too.

I'm so sorry.

It seems awfully cowardly to do that to you without talking properly and working through it. That's what strikes me about all of these stories. It's just men going on their merry way and leaving us to pick up the pieces.

Do you have much support in real life?

I so wish there was something I can do to help.

My medication hasn't done it's magic tonight and I can't sleep, so I'm here if you want to talk some more.

I just don't know what to say that would be of any use, but I can listen.

Hi brainache
It seems like he’s been thinking about it for a long time without actually telling me how he feels. So now he’s made a decision and I feel like I’m trying to catch up! I’ve only really spoke to one friend about it as we haven’t told the kids yet. Not sure how other friends will be esp those that have been “our” friends for so long.

Oh lovely. That is so, so tough.
I know what you mean about having to catch up. He should have said how he was feeling and discussed it, not blindsided you like that. It's just an awful way to be treated after so long.

In my experience (and I'm talking about my previous divorce now) friends can be really good at not taking sides and staying friends with both of you. All of mine managed it anyway - but then me and my ExH stayed friends somehow too, so that made things easier for them. In fact, he and his new wife have been amazingly supportive to me in the last few weeks. I couldn't have managed without them. It's funny how things turn out.

It is a bad time of year for this sort of thing, isn't it? It just concentrated the grief when you're supposed to be having enjoyable family time together.

I really feel for you

It’s hard because as much as I’d like to try and be friends esp for the kids sake, the idea of him moving on with someone else crushes me. And my gut says he will move on quickly if he has been so “unhappy” for so long. I’m dreading what may happen as much as what is actually happening.

Yes and not a great time of year but it’s out of my control. I’ve been saying that to myself about a lot of things. Out of my control. Tough lesson for me to learn. So you’re struggling to sleep??

Yes. Can't settle at all.
Head spinning - you know how it is.

Sadly I think you may be right about your DH moving on quickly. It seems to be what they do (although a week was very hard to take, I must admit). It is the worst feeling - and I really hope it doesn't happen to you.

You just have to take it a step at a time and not think too far ahead

Although I don't know why I'm trying to give you advice. I'm a mess!

That’s the advice that seems to be given- take it a day at a time. Hard not to fast forward and get scared.

Hope you two have managed to get some sleep!
@JK1773 Your break up sounds like mine. He told me a couple of days before the holiday he was "having doubts" and we decided to discuss things after the holiday. Then on holiday he was amazing and wonderful and loving and I got back and he tried to do a flit with all his stuff while I was out - ie. he had planned all this before the holiday and his behaviour on holiday was just an act (including the sex presumably). Shitbag.
What sort of lowlife does something like that.
And mine had met someone just before the holiday and started whatsapping him. She's given him the heave ho already - not that anything was going on beyond the writing to each other.

Can I say to all of you to stay strong and do not take the fuckers back... speaking from experience. I took mine back once before after him begging and promising and all the rest of it..... and here we are again, exactly the same thing.
You can't trust them again after they've done something like this.
I was stupid and now I am angry with myself because I missed out on a great guy who wanted to go out with me after I had split up with the fucker the last time.

Whatsapping her... it was a woman he was whatsapping!

I saw 4.30 before I went to sleep!

There is no way I'm having him back after this.

But that feels pretty bleak. I don't think I'll ever find anyone and I feel sad that I'll never have that closeness with anyone again.

I really have a lot of love to give. I will always be comparing, though, and I can't imagine anyone will ever match up.

Another day almost lived through.
It's just a day and a time...

You feel that now because it's so fresh, things will start to get better slowly. I'm a few months in and still can't think of dating or anything like that but am feeling better about myself bit by bit. What are you up to this evening @brainache78

Hi sausage.
I'm not doing much this evening. I'm tired after not sleeping, so I'll probably have a hot bath and an early night.

Sounds nice, I just got out for a long walk with headphones.

-brainache
How have your been? Sleeping any better?

My ex husband did this to me. We'd been married 16 years (together 22 years from the age of 14!) I came home from a day at work to him telling me he wasn't happy. He left that night and that was it. No arguing, nothing. The shock itself nearly killed me, I had NO idea anything was wrong and still can't see the signs in hindsight. He hid it well. 2 months prior he'd been trying to convince me to buy a bigger house with an even bigger mortgage which luckily I'd refused to budge on. He said when I asked about this after, that he'd just been living day to day and hadn't been happy for a while!!! Our children were 5 and 10 at the time. I don't know how I made it through, I really don't.

6 years on however, I'm happily engaged to someone else, even though I thought I'd never be happy again. I've been woth him 4 years now.

I just wanted to share this to give you hope and show you that No matter how terrible this is right now it does get better and you will find happiness again x

Sorry I meant to add, he swore blind the was no-one else, and I so wanted to believe that, but inevitably there was. He moved in with her after a few weeks (He lived with his mum initially). Karma has and is visiting though, I know he's using dating sites and she hasn't found out yet! Either that or she's turning a blind eye.....

you poor thing - yes yes to the compartments - so true. Have you tried writing a journal to yourself - help let it all out but also maybe write plans and positive things about each day

@booboo24
Revisionist history I call it... they meet someone else and then they start trying to justify it by looking back and deciding this, that and the other was wrong.
Mine asked me to marry him again in August (I say again because we were engaged before we split up the previous time and were planning the wedding). I said I wanted to let some more time go by before saying yes again.
In other words, he asks me to marry him and a couple of months later he does off again. Then he says he'd been having doubts since the Spring. Well he's a bloody good actor then.
Mine came up with a list of things that I had done which he didn't like - he hadn't said anything at the time and if he had done, there were very simple solutions.
Nice to hear your story Booboo and wish you all the best with your new partner.

@brainache - how are you? Thinking about you.

Hi everyone.

I'm having health problems at the moment - i thought it was odd when the doctor told me to go cold-turkey on one anti-depressant and go straight into a different kind.

I feel like I have the flu. I'm shivery and sick. It's hideous.

It's also making me feel really low again - and miss having someone to care about me. I'm just on my own and need a hug or so kind words.

Does that sound pathetic?