Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

He is just trying to get you to beg for him. Look at him - absolutely loving this attention from two females. How dare he ring you, laying on the emotional blackmail guiltrip. What a fucking bastard. Showing his true colours.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You sound very emotionally intelligent and lovely. As others have said, lean on your support network and enjoy your amazing sounding holiday. It hurts like nothing else but I hope you can draw strength from:

-The dignity you showed when he blindsided you
-The fact you know you are a good, loving and commited partner who deserves better than weakness, selfishness and deceit.

The fact he had sex with you knowing he was about to end it means he is simply not a decent man. What the kids I teach call a Garbage Person.

Imagine if when you got together you had heard this was how he treated women/how he had treated an ex. I’m willing to bet you’d have given him a hard pass.

One day you’ll be able to say “she’s welcome to him, good luck to her” and you’ll really mean it. I know that doesn’t stop the pain and shock now (oh god, it’s the worst feeling and I’m so sorry, but it does end) but I promise you’ll get there.

You are too kind all fake.
It is one of those situations when you know all the right things to say and do, but it doesn't stop the searing pain of it all.

No - he's not a decent man - and I don't believe a word he says anymore. Even if he came begging on his knees now I would turn him down flat (although my heart would be tearing in two and begging me to take him back)

I think he is a coward. I think he is getting a massive ego boost from this and I think he's having a mid-life crisis, if I'm totally frank.

He has recently lost a lot of weight and started to get his motorbike license. It's like he wants to be a new man - and have a new woman on his arm to boot.

He met her at Slimming World.

Fuck's sake.

He is a pathetic specimen - and although I can see it, I still love him. He doesn't deserve it, though, and I'm trying to cure myself of that.

You are all really helping. Thank you.

Oh good grief - motorbike licence. Mine wanted to do that but ended up starting to do a private pilot's licence instead.
Then he's all like, look at me, big pilot.... well, no, actually, you've got years to go yet. Idiot.
I'm a pilot I can get any woman I want sort of attitude.
I've got a motorbike licence need new woman to straddle my bike.

Yeah he's pathetic, just like my ex.

In a similar kind of position and was before with the same guy im going through it again with , it sucks it hurts a lot , you just have to ride it out , im so sorry your going through this sending a hug

@Zerrin &@BackintheRoom: It's not particularly a man thing, more a selfish prick thing. Just look at the life of Elizabeth Gilbert, she of "Eat, Pray, Love" fame.

He has recently lost a lot of weight and started to get his motorbike license.
This is almost word for word what my ex did towards the end! Well, he didn't even bother getting the license, just went on and on and on about how much he wanted to have a bike, made vague plans to sell our car and buy a bike instead (he was always terrible with money just as an aside). Never DID anything proactive about realising this dream of his but moaned about how much he wanted to constantly. Also out of nowhere became very concerned that he was getting fat after never giving a shiny shit in the 6 previous years we had been happy (as far as I thought -- he did propose, in tears of joy, and always made all the right noises and made me feel secure and loved and often talked about how much he loved me/how elated I made him)...

Of course when it became convenient for him he had suddenly been desperately unhappy for about half of our relationship, had checked out months ago and didn't tell me in order to "not hurt my feelings"... instead dumping me unceremoniously a week or so before my birthday, and a week after we got back from a lovely mini break, and cancelling our wedding (which HE had booked at my dream location as a surprise for me). Kicked me out of our apartment and within about two weeks had a girl (who I had never, ever, heard of, but they must have been close if she was over like a shot! I still have no idea when or where he met her; she lived about 40 miles away from us) over cooking dinner for him and drinking with him because he was so upset about our breakup and couldn't bear to be alone because he apparently thought he might hurt himself. He angrily insisted she was just a friend, but of course they were dating within the month (she was 10 years younger than him too and he was only 29, surely barely even old enough to be ticking all the pathetic midlife crisis boxes that he did).

At the time I was absolutely devastated, on suicide watch, on ADs, had to take a month of work because I physically couldn't function. I remember sobbing helplessly to my mother about how all I wanted was to go on our (much planned and talked about) honeymoon with my husband. Not only had I lost him, I'd lost the apartment (although of course living there even if he had moved out would have been so full of memories and unbearable) and at the time it seemed my entire future. As soon as he decided it was over he became like a stranger saying astoundingly nasty things to me which I couldn't reconcile with how nice and caring he had been before... looking back I see he was very, very damaged in many ways and how he chose to treat me and the things he chose to do only showed he was a nasty piece of work and his midlife crisis cliché is almost laughable.

Reading such similar stories from other women actually makes me feel a little better -- while I wouldn't wish it upon anyone (except perhaps him!) it's good to know it wasn't my "fault" at all and more that some people are frankly just defective. And it's certainly better that I found out what he was like before we got married but as I wrote above I FULLY understand how much it hurts and feels completely like the end of the world at the time. You desere much, much better OP but you have all my sympathy.

I've woken up this morning in a right state.

And I know it's stupid - and you're going to tell me to stop torturing myself, but it's just where my brain takes me.

I bet he saw her last night and I bet she stayed over. And the thought is making me feel sick to the stomach.

I am just in bits.

When will this end. When will I get my brain to shut this off and stop doing this to me?

Nights and mornings are the worst I'm about 5 months down the line and it does lessen. I had to keep saying stop out loud and put some intetersting tv show on or go out for a walk. Another good tip is to allow yourself a set time each day to think about all of it, whatever you want then when the time is up get on with the rest of the day. You need to give your mind a rest, easier said than done but worth a try.

Another thing is to get a notebook and in the morning or before bed just write all the thoughts that are going around, doesn't matter if they make sense or sound stupid just do it and then put it down. I write 3 pages, whatever is going round and then shut it.

it will get easier, it's a big shock. Don't feel bad, it's normal.

Oh sweetie, I know exactly how this feels. After 7 years and 2 kids my bastard ex came home from work one day, ate his tea I had waiting for him and announced he didn't love me anymore and it wasn't working. Blindsided isn't even the word. I went in to an immediate panic and just at a complete loss. I remember just walking out the house and phoning my sister in absolute fits of devastation. Turns out he had another woman. Kept telling me there was nobody else and in the end I just said to him I know there is so don't insult me further. Woah and behold there it was. A friends sister. I cried and hurt for 2 weeks, then began to see through the fog. Course then he crept back round and begged me to take him back which like a sucker I did. Only for him to carry on sleeping with her behind my back and ultimately I found out 6 weeks later and kicked him back out. Unbelievably, the bastard tried worming his way back in again 2 weeks later. To which I was adamant no, told him I have more self respect and I didn't love him anymore. Then he tried to kill me, but that's a whole nother story!

Long & short of it is, some men are bastards. And good god it hurts. And everyone will tell you your better off, which you are, but it takes a long time before you feel it. Let yourself cry, be kind to yourself, stay away from social media, mutual friends etc. And just focus on healing. You'll get through this my love. And hey the heartbreak diets always a winner right? I lost 6 stone 😂

The ex married that silly girl now. And I get a lot of joy out of knowing he will do the same to her. Cus let's face it they don't change 😂

Horrible.
I've had the crisis mental health team on the phone because I'm really close to the edge.

I'm horrified at myself for letting him bring me so low - although I was pretty ill even beforehand, so I shouldn't be surprised that this has sent me over the edge.

It has just given my broken, anxious brain something to fixate on.

Oh sorry @brainache78 get all the help you need, I felt really low and had to get counselling at work. Do you have family near by that can be with you?

Dearest @Brainache
I am glad that you are talking to the crisis team. Keep in touch with them. They will help you.
It's a horrible thing you are going through.
I'm thinking of you.
Get the help you need
xxx

Thank you, you lovely pair.

It's just waking up in the morning wondering how I'm going to get through another day in this much pain.

I'm with friends now. They're having Sunday lunch. I'm just sitting on the sofa under a blanket. I can't eat, but at least I'm around people.

If i didn't have children to think of, I don't think I'd be alive right now.

As well as all the other advice on this thread (espcially that book which sounds great), I know it sounds daft but could you write down all the bad things about him? So that you have a list whenever you need to bolster yourself that he wasn't perfect and did in fact have faults. As many as you can, big and small.

And please concentrate on healing yourself. It is a difficult time but you can get through it.

Try your very hardest to be kind to yourself. You've had a huge, terrible shock. It's very, very early days and this awful, sickening bit WILL pass.

Imagine you are recovering from a serious physical illness. Emotional injury really isn't that different in terms of how the brain and body reacts (according to my counsellor anyway!) Lying on the sofa under a blanket is exactly what you should be doing. Try to eat, try to sleep, but don't judge yourself for feeling unwell.

I found Headspace app quite useful in the early days and weeks. There's one on intrusive thoughts ("what is ex doing right now?" etc that's good. I found it helpful to just label it as like a radio station I'd accidentally tuned into "oh there's radio ex again..." and then imagining switching it off.

Your friends sound lovely. (Friendships like that don't just happen btw: it's because you're a good person they want to support you.) Hope you tried a bit of Sunday lunch.

Glad that you are with friends. Look after yourself, if you want to watch tv under a blanket just do it. You've been through a big shock. I know it sounds rough but it is really painful but I promise you will get through it, the only way is through it and the feelings will lessen bit by bit. You just have to be really kind to yourself. Don't think you're not coping by feeling like this. It's normal, you loved him so it will cause a lot of pain.

Just don't think too far ahead when you feel like this. Just go hour by hour. Get yourself some nice bits too eat if you can eat. Get yourself some treats, even just little things. flowers or a face mask for a long bath. I felt annoyed when people suggested stuff like that, but it does make you feel a bit better.

As the days go by he will come off the pedestal and you will start to think about yourself more. You will be okay brainache. x

Oh yeah another vote for headspace, saved me a few nights when the brain was whirring. Some guided meditation videos helped me too. Gave my mind a rest. x

Sounds exactly like me and my ExH left me for OW. 3 years on he didn’t actually end up with her and has wanted me back all this time.

I struggle. I try dating others etc. But can’t find anyone like him. But I know if I give it another try I won’t feel the same about him as I used to, because it completely floored me when it happened. I also think I’d never trust anyone ever again, not 100%.

@MegFlyAway2 I read that a lot on here and from people in real life and I just think what a waste, I wish they would think before jumping and causing all that pain.

@sausage101 exactly! He massively regrets it. We’ve both struggled to move on in the 3 years. It’s just such a shame!

Megflyaway - that's how I feel. I can't imagine being with someone else. It's like I said - everything in the world that is important to me in a partner, he had. And we had already known one another for 10 years, so it felt safe (stupid me!)

I will never find anyone who matches me in that way. Those things are incredibly rare.

And I have a feeling he'll regret it. But I won't ever trust him again.

So you're right - that's potentially 2 lives blighted - and for what?

It's senseless.

How you feeling this afternoon @brainache78? Hope your friends are looking after you.

Hi carrot
They are.
I generally feel a bit better as the day goes on - I just feel utterly wretched in the mornings.

The new meds I'm on (Mirtazapine) work on my anxiety and send me to sleep - so I am at least sleeping properly. That helps.

You are so kind. The capacity women have to reach out and help others - even complete strangers - always humbles me.

Thank you