Being replaced

[brainache78]

I am absolutely broken and confused.

My DP of 5 years dumped me out of the blue a few weeks ago. He said it 'wasn't working' and I don't understand what he meant.

We were friends for years before we got together and had a wonderful (I thought) relationship. We have the same sense of humour, taste in music, outlook on life, taste in pretty much everything. We have a million in-jokes and deeply care for one another. We rarely argued and, when we did, worked through it in a adult fashion and made up quickly. I thought we were so, so happy.

And then bang. I'm dumped.

I've been struggling with that for a few weeks. Doing the usual heartbroken things - not eating or sleeping and crying pretty constantly. Not knowing where it went wrong.

And then - guess what? - he's seeing someone else. He says there was no overlap, but I don't believe that.

It doesn't really matter either way - the fact is that he has chosen someone else over me.

And I know it sounds arrogant, but I don't understand what someone else can give him that I can't. We are such a good match. It has totally destroyed my faith in everything I believed about me, him and our relationship and I'm grieving.

He says he still loves me. He has been on the phone crying about how much he misses me - yet he is sticking to his guns (before you say it - I have blocked him now - but we have the same mutual friends, so I saw him at a funeral yesterday and there are always going to be times where we see each other).

Our friends are as baffled as I am and are mostly calling him a fucking idiot. I believe some of them have said it to his face.

So what is all that about - and how the hell do I get over someone throwing away everything we had and replacing me before my side of the bed is even cold?!

I am scared I will never love anyone again the way I love him.

So sad to see so many similar stories of betrayal by men we thought were our soul mates. The worst thing for me was thinking the man I thought I knew inside out was actually a complete stranger.

Take strength knowing you ended things with such dignity, which is hard. Can't say I did as well.

Be prepared for him to come grovelling back to you. This kind of scenario always follows the same pattern: new woman, short term euphoria, you move on, they realise their fuck up and come worming their way back.

We deserve better! Men rarely learn from their mistakes. Women however, learn from the man's mistake.

Yeah that's the bit that is taking a while for me to recover from; the person you thought you knew and had your back doing something so hurtful.

I've actually come to a point where I don't hate him. I think he has more issues than me such as not communicating well and being a people pleaser. I don't think he set out to hurt me, I think people slide over boundaries bit by bit if they're not very self aware. He could have been kinder in the aftermath but that says more about him than me. He has to look in the mirror every day. I can.

Hope you are all getting through this. xx

Sorry that's a bit garbled, no sleep last night.

I also feel very sad that he is not the person I thought he was. I don't know who he is and feel completely taken in by him.
I do miss him and I feel sick at the thought of him whatsapping his various women.
On the other hand, I keep reminding myself that I no longer have to face any verbal and emotional abuse from his mother and sister.
I put up with that for 5 years because I loved him.

Have you heard anything else from him @carrotflinger

Yeah I miss my ex, it's getting easier and he's doing the decent thing by staying away. Haven't heard anything from him in weeks. No reason to now I suppose. Just strange getting used to isn't it.

Not since the car key incident.
It is really weird.. especially as we had been planning to get married (or he led me to believe that we were). So in other words all plans for the future have gone out the window.
I expect he will pop up again at Christmas. He has a job which is very stressful between November and February so I am expecting him to reappear in February as well (this has happened again). I hope he doesn't - I don't want him messing with my head.

Yeah same here re: the plans. We had holiday booked and were planning to get married. Then poof, I've never loved you, I now love a 19 year old.

Yeah it's easier when they stay away.

Mine was really loving all this year, we went home to meet all my cousins and friends (I live abroad) and on the ferry he said "I love you even more now that I've met all your lovely family".
Then poof... as you say.... I don't find you attractive, you have to be the centre of everything, I've being having doubts all this year.... so I'm off now (oh and yes he was going to do a flit while I was out).
Never want to see him ever again.
I really like another guy but I am hanging fire to get my head straight first. Don't want to mess him around.

Yeah @carrotflinger that's really similar to what I was told. I though jesus you could win an oscar for the past year then. It's kind of scary that someone can lie for that long.

Yeah, mine could have won an oscar as well. Unbelievable.
I'm feeling a bit better again today. It comes and goes.

Yeah I know what you mean about it coming and going.

How are you getting on? @brainache78

Sausage, honestly?
I'm failing miserably.
He is in touch pretty constantly and I'm not putting a stop to it because I miss him so much and it feels less like a loss when he's telling me about his day and joking with me and being just the same as he always was.

I haven't seen him and I'm not planning to, but I'm so tempted. He's just keeping me dangling and I know it, but I'm too pathetic and weak to put a stop to it.

I couldn't take the pain of losing him - and at the moment I feel like I haven't.

This will all come crashing down soon enough and I'll end up more hurt.

I still don't understand why he did this.

I met up with a friend of ours last week. I have known her for 10 years, but she had known him much longer - since they were teenagers. She had heard about it all from another friend and she just said it has made her wonder who the hell he is too - because he was never like that. She says he was one of the loveliest people and she can't get her head around his behaviour.

So it isn't just me struggling to understand.

It's such a mess.

I'm sorry. I'm so weak.

And he's full of 'I'm your biggest fan, I love you, I still fancy you madly, you're so intelligent, you're so funny, I like you so much.'
And
'I miss you and the smallest things trigger it. I miss you more than I thought was possible'

And then

'But I'm moving on...'

And I want to shout 'why?! Why then? WHAT DO YOU WANT?'

Wtf would he say those things to you then tell you "but I'm moving on?" Unbelievable! Fuel and completely selfish. To ease his guilt no doubt. But what about you?

It won't last with his new women and I bet she has no idea he's in contact with you and what he is saying. Maybe she needs to I know?

I'm also suffering from a serious bout of depression after an awful break up. We tried to be friends for weeks but in reality it prolonged my grief and made me pine for him even more. It was a very complicated relationship.

Deep down I knew that the only way forward was to cut contact. I didn't think I'd have the strength to do it before Xmas but I have! After a few days, I do now actually feel better. I still miss him badly but there is no sense in keeping the wound open, by still speaking to him.

You know deep down that at some point point you do need to stop speaking to him. He is being very selfish saying the things he has to you. Leading you on then slapping you in the face by telling you he's moving on. You will get the strength to do what you know is best for you, when you're ready.

What the hell @brainache78 that's not fair, he's going to prolong the pain for you. I get what you're saying and you're not weak, it's such a shock to be left like that. It really pulls the rug from under you big time. I doubted my own perceptions for weeks. It's been horrible. You're not weak at all.

Why the hell is he carrying on saying all that? He needs to understand that if you is leaving you then he doesn't get to have you for support and chats. It's not unfair, he needs to see some loss. He is making it easier for himself. Obviously I don't know him and am just a random person on here that has been through similar.

My ex did that a bit, it hurt more because I thought he must be re-thinking it but no after a bit, probably when he was feeling a bit better, he just went silent and disappeared, no goodbye nothing. Please put yourself first.

• he is leaving I mean

@kikidelight yeah it is easier not being in touch isn't it. It means you can focus on you and recover. I think it's just too hard to stay in touch, it just means more rejection if they don't reply or if they take ages to reply, all that. Too painful.

@brainache78 I think he is keeping the door open or easing his guilt. I think you need to show him what life looks like without you, how dare he drop you like that and keep going on. It's bloody cruel.

This is all my doing. I should be moving on and leaving him behind and being strong and telling him to fuck off.

I'm not because I'm not strong and I'm a doormat.

I can't do it - and I feel like a fraud for being on here with you all struggling through it when I'm busy undoing all of my own will power by letting him string me along.

I'm sorry.

Oh please don't be sorry, I'm not thinking your a doormat. Look it was my birthday recently and I still got upset thinking why didn't he text, which isn't logical as he's with someone else now and I respect him for not texting me or anything.

There's no rules, we can just say it helps to not be in touch but it's hard, it's so shocking to be blindsided like that and you are dealing with grief over what you thought you had.

Don't apologise

If you want him back (not recommended) or if you just want to be effective in really showing him what he's missing, the best way is to go no contact. After 5 good years, you doubtless have a lot of history and memories shared that he is missing too. The more you chat to him though, the less he misses you as you are satisfying his need to stay connected.
Show him just how irreplaceable you are, because if the relationship was as good as you say, then he's made a big error as a relationship like that does not come around often. He won't realise the blunder though if you keep talking to him. So it is in your interest to go no contact whatever the outcome you want. At the moment you are ensuring that you have a slow and painful loss, where you don't get him back or move on.

Be very strong. Do not give in. Do not contact him. Get a hobby. Retrain your brain to think about something else. Let the time pass constructively. Take up something new, s new language, a new craft, a new sport - yoga, pilates, swimteam etc. Make a new timetable. Keep busy. This time will pass. A year from now you will feel you have dodged a bullet. Men usually leave when they have something to leave to. Don't get sad, get mad :)

I get it. The theory.
But I'm struggling with my mental health - and was before all of this. So my energy is at a an all time low and I'm struggling with the keeping busy bit because I am a mess in general.

This is not me. It's my Illness. When I'm well I am too busy to slot in hobbies - and will be able to be as distracted as I want to be. While my medication is dodgy and I'm unable to work, I'm not in that position.

The community mental health team are being very supportive and I'm getting help in a lot of ways.

I think I'm just desperate to explain that this is not like me. I'm stronger than this usually. Just not now.

I'm going back to work on a phased return after Christmas and that will help.

I will get to no contact again. I promise you that.

But this is why I didn't want to say anything, because I know what everyone will say and I know what I should be doing - I am too weak to do it. Just not now.

I'm so glad I booked to go away for Christmas. It just takes the heat off that difficult time of year.

My situation is very similar to yours. My mental health is not good at the minute, I was suffering with it before I split with my ex as well. I have also been signed off work and am trying assorts to help myself.

His mental health is also not good. He pushed me away and said some very hurtful things - giving no reason other than "it'll happen again" meaning his depression. This is the 4th time he has done this, in the last 2 years, despite us growing closer than ever and overcoming so much together. Then he went off to Las Vegas, with his mates, without a care in the world.

Yet again, he claimed he wanted to be friends and support me. Each time we've tried this before, it has always slipped back into a relationship as we are very attracted to each other. Then when the depression kicks in again, he pushes me away yet again. When he's ok he wants me again. I feel like a goddamn yo-yo.

I also thought I wasn't strong enough to cut contact with him, until after Xmas. Then one day last week, I suddenly thought "fuck you!" I just reached the point where I'd had enough of ruminating, constantly checking my phone, reading over texts etc. So after sending a final text (not particularly a nice one) on Friday, i deleted thousands of texts, photos, etc, then deleted his number.

It took me 2 months to find the strength to do this and I have only just started to feel stronger. It ripped my heart out doing it but I know I can only start to move on when I stop texting him. I feel he only wanted to keep in touch to make himself feel better, less guilty. I also miscarried his child in the middle of this goddamn mess, which made my depression worse than it had ever been. He knows about this. I felt suicidal and saw no way out.

In the midst of this mess, I only want to be with someone who can stick with me through through thick and thin. He is incapable. Yes he is ill but so am I. The difference is, I help myself and talk to people. He chose only to tell me about his illness which has put a huge amount of unnecessary worry on my shoulders. I think he is very fucking selfish to cut me out when I have been there through all his bad times yet the only time I truly needed him, he wasn't there.

I made the decision to tell his best friend about his depression. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to him and only I knew about his depression. This didn't go down well but neither did him shunning me after my miscarriage and depression.

Sorry, I'm going on now. But the point of this is, not to dictate to you, but to hopefully see that you will find the strength, it will come when you least expect it.

Please don't apologise. You're doing great. You're talking too and sharing your experience is helping others. You're helping me.

Keep talking. You're amazing!