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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just moved in with partner and found out this...

192 replies

mobey · 28/11/2018 20:11

So I've upped and moved in with my partner and his dad
We did it to save for a mortgage
His dad travels a lot for work has a big space so it seemed ideal
Until now .....
Been together 3 yrs
Been a struggle as he has moods which he's been trying to work on
Thought by moving in we would have less money worries
Anyway just found out tonight he has invested £2k into bitcoin?
Don't know much about it other than my partner has a debt of 35k and is always looking for get rich quick schemes.
Failed businesses, borrowed money if his dad who seems to hand it out willy billy and £35k later he now wants to start another business with his friend ?!

We've argued tonight because he says I'm not supportive of this business and I need to believe in him
But I've moved in with him, upped and moved my life by selling most of the things in my flat (had a 8 month plan to buy a little house somewhere) and now I feel trapped

He doesn't know I know about bit coin
He says he can do his current job around the business but I don't think he can
He's stressed, tired and I can see since moving in with him he's just doing what he wants to do

Am I being unreasonable?

Feeling very alone please help

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 29/11/2018 15:36

Well done.
Time to get yourself out and away from there.
I hope the viewings go well.
Will be nice to be back close to your mum as well.
Enjoy your weekend.
You'll have highs and lows.
But the relief you will feel will be huge!

pickingdaisies · 30/11/2018 20:52

Hi, OP, hope you're feeling ok about everything today and the viewings are going well. Staying at your mum's and avoiding contact for a while is a good idea, so your new point of view can crystallise.

mobey · 30/11/2018 21:12

Thanks for checking in
So the flat I viewed yesterday ok
The one this morning was nice
I've taken it !
Feeling sad and down
Can't shake this feeling
But I've told him it's over

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 30/11/2018 21:18

Well done you Flowers Wine

You will feel deflated but relieved and have dodged a bullet. This is you being kind to yourself. Such a massive step to have taken and so effectively.

mobey · 30/11/2018 21:20

I've told him it's over
I just want this over and done with
I've shopped with my mum, got my nails done, went for dinner and wine and I can honestly say I do feel relief but I feel sooooo sad
He's texted and called but I've asked him to give me a few days space

OP posts:
dontalltalkatonce · 30/11/2018 21:34

You deserve SO much more than someone who just thinks the world owes him a living and is so irresponsible. It's a huge step but the right direction. He needs to respect your boundaries and you're best off staying well away from him lest you be manipulated by him further. He is Financial Ruin.

Motoko · 30/11/2018 23:35

It's natural to feel sad, you're mourning the life you thought you were going to have.

Just take each day as it comes, be kind to yourself, and eventually it'll get easier.

Fmlgirl · 01/12/2018 12:25

On a side note, I wouldn’t do help to buy with this guy. We have a combined income of 80k and even we decided against it because we feel that the prices of new build under the scheme are grossly inflated and if something goes wrong like a no deal Brexit or another economic downturn, you could end up with negative or no equity whatsoever. If I was you, I’d try and save up to buy without him and maybe use his dad’s place as a springboard. He sounds financially irrresponsible.

Fmlgirl · 01/12/2018 12:26

Oh I’ve just seen your update. Sorry to hear this but I ultimately think you’ve done the right thing.

mobey · 01/12/2018 12:50

That is true actually
Someone's else said that about buying with the help to buy scheme.
Well it 100% won't be with him if I can afford to buy when the time comes.
The agency said the flats ready, they just need some electrical dkne which is happening next week then they can sign it off, my referencing said will take a week-10 days so will definitely be in for Xmas
I'm out tonight with my girlfriends and he knows this so if he tries contacting me today, will ignore as I don't want anything ruining this
Been looking forward to it so long
He called yesterday but I ignored him
I don't think he thinks I'm serious though

OP posts:
OhioOhioOhio · 01/12/2018 13:06

My stbxh is a total spend thrift. More than 2 years on he doesnt think im serious about the split. Having no money is awful. Someone else pissing your money away and blaming you is much worse. You will not regret your decision. Stay strong.

mobey · 01/12/2018 13:08

Oh really? 2 yrs? How comes?

OP posts:
mobey · 02/12/2018 10:23

So he hasn't contacted me anymore
I need to go back later to collect more clothes
Might go later before he gets in from work
Had a good night out with my friends but feel sad
Think coz it's Christmas which sounds daft
This time last year we were doing Xmas things together and a year after it's over 😞

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 02/12/2018 10:44

You're bound to feel sad. I think Xmas does escalate that feeling too. I hope that you can get settled and cosy in your new flat soon, make it yours and feel more settled. If you can, get all your things out of his house, it won't help you keep having to go back for things.

mobey · 02/12/2018 10:57

I was thinking do I move my stuff tonight and keep it at my mums ? It will take a few journeys but then least I do not have to go back?
Some of my bigger stuff which we weren't using for the house is at my mums anyway ? Or was thinking I just run in and grab a bag?
Hopefully I'll hear from the agency in the week as the flat is empty so depends on how quick the references take
I'm trying to keep busy and planning my week but yeah Xmas looking isn't helping especially when we had so many things booked x

OP posts:
Motoko · 02/12/2018 12:51

You will feel sad, and Xmas is traditionally a time to spend with loved ones, so it'll feel even worse, but you'll get through it.

I would collect all your stuff today and store it at your mum's. You don't want to keep having to go back to get things, and once he realises you're serious, he might get angry and take it out on your things, or take them to the tip, as punishment. I'm not saying he will, but the possibility's there, so best to get it all out now.

mobey · 02/12/2018 13:03

I was thinking the same thing....I'll go in a bit 😕

OP posts:
FestiveForestieraNoel · 02/12/2018 13:41

I'd move your stuff and keep it at your mum's. Then you are done and dusted. Just collect before he returns home.

Flowers OP

dontalltalkatonce · 02/12/2018 14:17

Get your stuff over to your mum's and just be done with him.

Help to Buy is a total scam, too. YY, the builders inflate the prices of those particular homes and then it's hard to sell them as they're not worth what you paid for it.

mobey · 02/12/2018 14:27

No one was home, I was in and out.
I just got most of my stuff to be honest. I left the bits I didn't want
I can always get them when I get the flat but I got the essentials and all my Xmas pressies I've bought so far
I feel like I hate him at the moment
Walking around the house knowing I moved in there with him? For us and yet he has treated me like this

OP posts:
Graphista · 02/12/2018 16:05

For all intents and purposes he is a gambling addict.

It may not be things traditionally seen as gambling but that's exactly what it is. It also suggests to me he wants huge gains for little effort - so he's lazy at heart too.

You could well still find your own credit record damaged. Would be a good idea to check it anyway.

"Because people like this will use your name to open new credit cards without you even knowing." Also payday loans, goods on hp that they sell... Yep I've a couple in my family too.

"And his 35k is on a dmp" this is basically last stage before bankruptcy.

Not surprised he's living with his dad he clearly can't handle his finances well enough to live as an actual grown up! If you stay with him you will just replace his dad as his go to for bailing him out and you'll HAVE to as otherwise you'll lose YOUR home, good credit etc.

You could run a credit check on him but in all honesty its pointless, you know he is irresponsible, immature & "moody" at 30 and by the sounds of it no kids (yet? Do you want kids?) definitely right to get the hell out of dodge right now!

Bet his dad adores you/treats you great too? That's cos you're HIS escape from supporting his son.

Interesting it's a cleaning business. My friend owns a contract cleaning business it's taken her many years to build it to where it is now. One contract does not a business make especially in this arena, companies have high expectations for low payment. My friend started off doing it as just her cleaning houses, then as her REPUTATION (this is a HUGE factor in the cleaning industry) grew, she hired other cleaners and some of the people who's houses she cleaned asked her about corporate cleaning contracts. She started doing for them and her good rep got her more work and so on. It is NOT an easy business to run and it is not an overnight success one either.

Cleaning - like any other business - requires some initial outlay. Eg you cannot use normal household hoovers for corporate cleaning contracts, they're often just not good enough and burn out quickly, tending to overheat if used more than for relatively short bursts of time. Also of course detergents (and while you want to keep costs low you also need effective products plus many corporate contracts specify to use green products or low allergen ones), cloths, sponges, brushes etc.

Whereas this guy has a contract yet it doesn't even sound as if he's done a business plan! Has he even considered all he needs to do re insurance etc?

Sounds like his dad indulged him due to losing his mum young - that's done him no favours at all, his wife left for the same reasons you are essentially - his refusal to grow up and take responsibility!

Clearly his dad also never told him the story of the tortoise and the hare either!

As for "hard life" I'm the daughter of a violent abusive alcoholic and his enabling wife, with a narc dad and sister, survived csa, divorced single mum to a dd with a disability, who's ex was never reliable for either contact or cs, I've lost 3 babies and I'm now disabled following a serious car accident. And even after all that I went and got a regular bloody job! Not beneath being paye at all! I'm currently not working as my health has deteriorated but I'm HOPING next year (after the whole brexit mess has settled and hopefully health improved) to find a way to work from home. And there's certainly people on here have had it/got it a damn sight worse than me too! Has he fuck had it hard! Loads of people are the children of single parents (including where that parent is male) they don't bleat on and use it as an excuse not to be responsible!

The Coke would have made me end it then and there. I'm vehemently anti drugs and Coke heads are always arse holes anyway! I bet that's the real reason for his "moods" and he never actually stopped too.

It concerns me you're still having ANY contact with him. Why? You've no children together, soon as you have all your stuff away from his clean break.

It's hard when a relationship ends especially this time of year, but it's necessary here.

pickingdaisies · 02/12/2018 23:04

It's ok to feel sad. Your whole life just turned upside down. But you've done amazingly to make your decision and act on it, and you know it was the right thing for you. Now you can look forward to Christmas in your place, in charge of your own life.

WellThisIsShit · 03/12/2018 09:38

I’ve noticed that it tends to be men that have this whole ‘I’ve had a haaaaarrrrd life’ excuse at the ready so they can behave any way they want. And they use it like a weapon.

To me, and anyone else who’s had a hard life and/or has open eyes, it’s a load of rubbish. Especially this guys ‘hard life’, which is mainly a hard life of his own making, which simply doesn’t count in the sympathy stakes! Like, oh poor diddums, got anger issues? Really doesn’t play, does it?

You’ve done the right thing.

mobey · 03/12/2018 16:49

So now it appears it's has sunk in....
Calls and messages today so I've blocked him, have had to as was at work and he knows this
I've told him I don't want to talk
( is still staying at my mums and have already told him I want space and I'm not wanting to talk over text) when I get the flat confirmed date wise then of course I'll tell him but I'm far too upset and pissed off to at the moment
Anyway emails are now coming through
I've ignored most but had to answer a couple and was money questions so said a simple yes / no to the point
Now I'm getting
Can we talk
I know you don't like me but there's love here
I love you and just want to know how you are
I've told him over a few emails
Leave me alone
I figure it will be like this until e accepts it?
Things is I don't want to talk as there's nothing can make me change my mind
But he doesn't see it

OP posts:
Motoko · 03/12/2018 17:09

Yes, he's hoping to try to persuade you to change your mind. Wouldn't surprise me if he turns up at your work or Mum's next.

You could tell him that if he contacts you again, you'll have him done for harassment, see if he takes notice of that. Make sure that you put in the email that you do not want him to contact you, and that you've asked him not to, yet he has ignored your request.

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