Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

I don't think there's a form of words you can use that won't cause offence here - not that you're wrong!

Is your brother's dad still in the picture? If not your mum may be trying to provide him with a pre-made immediate family (I.e. a brother) and will be very resistant to changing that.

I don't get it. What's the problem with the two boys being at the same school?

Im really surprised you care that much. I know several people who have grandchildren older than their own children, its really not that unusual.
What would you say? there is nothing you can do to change it. Try and imbrase the situation rather than see it as a negative, families are made up of all sorts of combinations. I think tbh your thinking way too much about it.

I think your attitude is very weird tbh

it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it.

Why was it weird that your mum had a baby? Why on earth would you do anything other than go along with it? What else would you do? you don’t get a say in whether your mum has a baby you know!

I assume she has chosen the school because it is near where she lives, she knows other parents there, you know, because she lives there! It’s her local area. If you don’t want to be mum friends with your mum then don’t buy you really are being very strange about her having a child at the same school as your child.

No his dad has him every 2nd weekend from birth (they had an on/off relationship), my partner says the same thing about how my mum uses myself and my son to go to things as she has no one else with kids to go with and feels shes stealing his family away from him as she will plan trips/days away so my brother has someone basically. He's my brother but I'm more treated as a babysitter and my child is his brother. BUT if I mention any of this I wouldn't get a good response but I can't keep going like this.

The only weird thing is your reaction

I understand why you’d find this weird. Your sons uncle is younger than him!

I don’t think you can do anything about it, though.

I get it op, it sounds difficult. Can you try to cut right back on time spent together out of school?

Your relationship with your mum sounds a bit strained (and she sounds lonely). That's the only problem I can see here. Your ex partner sounds very strange indeed! "Stealing his family away"! It's the child's granny taking him out for the day!

A shift in perspective might help. You're thinking of "brother" as being done closer in age. I know lots of people have a 15/20 yr age gap between their siblings. Although another era my grandmother was the eldest of 15 children. Her youngest brother was a like a soon to her. Some of that dynamic remained until her death, but in turn he was also then able to look after his sister, his second mum, during my her elderly years. It was a beautiful relationship.

Do you live in the same area? I don’t think it’s weird if that’s just your local school. It’s only weird if she’s driving like 30 minutes out of the way past loads of other schools to have him at the same school.

I understand why you’d find this weird. Your sons uncle is younger than him!

Surprisingly common.

IStandWithPosie - it's weird as she was single and about to be 50 and never told anyone until she was 5 months gone so I find that weird. by going along with it I meant by being so involved I looked after my brother for her so she could continue working as I had a two year old so only worked part time.
You shouldn't assume as no the school is not near where she lives she requested the placement and there is about 30 primary schools she could've choose from.

If you wouldn't find it strange then that fine but obviously I do and only wanted a bit of help with how to talk to my mum about it all so there wasn't really any point in your message as it was of no help.

She requested a placement and the LA overlooked 30 closer schools to place the boy in the school near you? Really?

Why is this weird? 2 kids in my children's school have uncles or are uncles to their classmates! My boyfriend has an uncle a few years younger than him and they have a best mates/brothers relationship. I don't get your problem. And of course if your mum is older most of her friends won't have young children so it's only natural that she hangs out with you.

If it bothers you that much can't you talk to her about it? Just ask her to stop resending you emails and tell her you were annoyed about the photo. I would also be raising that one with the school. They need to respect you as the parent and it raises all sorts of issues around privacy etc. If it doesn't get better would you consider moving schools?

Well, if my mother had had a baby when I was in my twenties I wouldn’t have jumped for joy tbh. But given he’s now here it is what it is and I wouldn’t give it to much headspace now.

If she’s put him in that school they obviously have places as she’s not in the catchment area, and given the boys will grow up together anyway it’s hardly a big deal now.

Do you feel like you can’t really Make any ‘mum’ friends as you always have to be mindful of your own mum and include her in all your arrangements?

I’d find this weird. Not the age gap between the children (there’s 6 years between my youngest sister and my oldest dc) but the fact that your relationship is switching from a mother/daughter to a ‘mums from school’ one.
I’d imagine it’s quite stifling always having your mum around/seeing her every day.

OP - what a self centred and selfish way to look at things...

So - when your mom had another child - you ‘went along with it’....
Because she should have asked your approval. Or something?

Grow up. Life doesn’t revolve around you.
You kid is lucky to have family around him.
The ‘uncle’ is like his cousin in real life. And there are worse thugs than growing up with family nearby.
Would you have objected to your sister’s kid being in the same school?

If I were you - i’d be happy and use the opportunity to enjoy it and help each other out.

the school is not near where she lives she requested the placement and there is about 30 primary schools she could've choose from

Bit of a drip....

I actually agree with OP.

Tell her that you are an adult and do not need her to run yours or your child's school life, you can manage that very well as a nearly 30 year old.

The school should not have allowed OP's mum to decide she wanted pictures of these two children together with out OP's agreement.

Tell the school that she does not have your permission over anything to do with your child.

It is unfair on your DS to not go to his school party if it is just because your mum is organising.

Unfortunately you cannot do anything to stop this with out upsetting your mother. That doesn't mean you shouldn't though. She is happy to step all over you without caring if you are upset. You need to stand up for yourself and your son, say no, mean it and stick to it no matter what the back lash.

ChodeofChodeHall -
our realtionship is not strained as why i don't mention any of this as I wouldn't want to upset her... and she's definately not lonely she has plenty of friends also he's not my ex partner, he feels she steals us away as she books two week holidays etc and never invites him along or trys every weekend to make us come with her for days out. theres taking your grandson out for the day then theres bringing him so my brother has a friend.

I get it: you’re embarrassed that your mum had a child two years after you did, and having her in the playground alongside you makes people ask questions and/or gossip about you.

The best you can do is shrug it off, really. That, or move schools.

I think I get you OP. Your mum is sort of on your territory. Rather than being one of the school mums, you're being pulled back to being your mum's daughter. I would find that really uncomfortable. But I have a poor relationship with my own mother so I would hate being in your situation.

I find your post a bit offensive to be honest OP! There's nothing "weird" about older mums thanks! I had a baby well into my 40s so what? Imagine if we all said "Oh she had a baby at 21 and isn't even with the dad" - you would wouldn't like that would you?! Try not to be so judgmental.

Just be glad your son has a family member close in age to him, they will probably be great pals growing up.