Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

LokiDokiArtichoki - yes I had my own group and now my mum is always there so its quite sufficating, I love my brother and love seeing him but my mum is already so involved in my life as it is, this is just getting too much!

magoria - thank you, yes it was weird how the school didn't let me know but it was my mum that contacted them so they obviously assumed it had been a mutual decision? It's not his school xmas party its just a fundraiser the parents have arranged at night :)
I am meeting with her on Sunday so hope I can just tell her what I feel about the way she is going about this, I do love her but she is very much a person that takes control.

Haworthia - I know it's great to try shrug off the questions and the gossip but it's harder in reality :) It's more that I feel like a child again with my mother there

HellonHeels - yes I just need my own space, before I would have my own 'mum friends' but now I feel I have to include my mum, she already messages me nearly every night so I just like to have my own space :)

I find your attitude to your mother and brother really sad!
You sound embarrassed by them!

Having done the primary school run I am surprised you have much to do with your DM if her child is in a different year.

I only ever knew the mums who were in dc's class. I don't think I spoke to anyone else.

Does your mum speak to other mums in her dc's class or does she make a bee line for you when you appear and stop you from passing the time of day with those mums in your dcs class.

If so in which case I think that would be stressful

I’m sure it is hard to shrug off the gossip. I would feel completely suffocated in your shoes, honestly.

I for one do understand u..
Me and my mother fell pregnant at the same time, they went to different schools but my mum didn't get on with that school so moved her DC to my school and because they were in the same year I begged her to make sure they were not in the same class just because my DC had a group of established friends and they are a distraction to each other etc.. and what happened..
Luckily after a year the school realised and moved DMs DC/ to a different class..
at the end of the day I just had to suck it up and live with it coz there wasn't another option..

You've already looked after your DB, alongside your own DC, so Mum could go back to work. Are you now expected to do wrap-around care if her work goes outside of school hours? Are you effectively an unpaid childminder?

FWIW I think it's weird that she went to that effort to get your DB into the same school. She must have had a plan other than "they will be friends" as children tend to form friendships with their own age/class and not two years different.

Maybe take advantage of the situation. If she wants to attend school events, she can take your DC too and you get a few hours 'off'.

I would find this hard. I don’t think it matters that some wouldn’t - every family is different. In your shoes, feeling the way you do, I would look at other schools to make a clear boundary.

Italiangreyhound

Good post!

This is about the OP feeling suffocated by her mother - it is not about the children's relationship

Tell your mum you are going on holiday with your husband and you won't be available for further holidays

Would it help to see your brother and son as having a relationship like cousins? Obvs your mum is not your sister(and your brother not your nephew tho it may feel more like that). It may help to get a bit of clarity on what is appropriate for them.
It's really not that unusual, and sometimes grandparents look after a siblings children, the problem is partly that your mum is pulling rank. Instead of helping each other out and being supportive she is also treating you as a friend, and ignoring your new family as if you were also single parent needing her support.
I think you will either have to talk to her about it or just make other plans, be assertive that you are not dropping everything to fit in with her (read Anne Dixon, a woman in your own right) and say no more often, more firmly.

Sad for your brother too, he should be making his own friends, maybe also impacting your sons relationships. Yanbu

I do think it’s weird having children the same age as your grandchildren.

I also think that it’s worth bearing in mind that this is a thing which has changed in the past generation. Growing up it wasn’t uncommon to have children in the school who were someone’s “brother” or “sister” because if a young girl got pregnant it was the norm for the family to raise the child as a brother or sister, now fast forward 30 years and these children are actual brothers and sisters not the adopted results of unwanted pregnancies.

Obviously this generation doesn’t see it that way but it really isn’t the norm to have children the same age as your grandchildren. However much people defend it.

Whilst it’s getting less unusual to be an older mum, I would imagine it’s hard to walk into the playground as a 50 year old with a young child. Your mum is looking to you for support. She is taking it too far... but you can say no to her on holidays, weekends. You need your own family time. I agree it’s hard but your son is probably having a great experience. Would you feel any differently if this were your sister?

I think maybe back off from seeing her out of school might be the best way and not going on holidays together, mostly doing days out only if your partner can come along.

I think I get it. I love my mum to bits but school life is separate and I would hate her to be there every time I am, every pick up, every coffee morning, every PTA meeting, every summer fair...it's giving me irits just thinking about it. My dds go to school with their cousins so my
SIL is around all the time and that's fine but my mother would be a step too far.

My mum had my sister 6 months after me and my other sister had our first children. They are all 6 months apart they have grown up together are 17 now and really close as if they were all cousins. Try not to see it as a bad things all the family holidays we still do together even with new younger siblings mixed in. It feels to me as if your embarrased about it try not to be and its certainly not your brothers fault.

I sort of thought you were being U. But then I thought of my own mum at the school gate everyday wanting to hang out with me and the kids together - it’s just way too much.

I love my mum, I see her regularly but I don’t want to see her more than I do, and I wouldn’t want her tangled up in that side of my life. I like my own space and friendships - I wouldn’t want hen involved.

he feels she steals us away as she books two week holidays etc and never invites him along

This is very odd and not on.

Single mum at 50, wow, props to your mum. It must be hard for her being the oldest mum in the playground.

Do the boys enjoy being at school together and spending time together?

My DP is 32 and he has 2children from his previous relationship (DS7 DS5. His bother is 2years older than him and has two DC. Their dad left their mum when DP was 17, for OW. He married OW who was only a few years older than DP.

OW never wanted anything to do with DP, and they had 3 children together. These are the same age to my DPs children / nephews. DP never had an issue with his dad having the OW or more children BUT...

OW insists her DC refer and know DP as uncle, because she refused to acknowledge her DP has older children. And DPs children are just cousins. DP’s DC can’t call his dad, grandad as this would cause confusion. Which is horrible. This annoys DP, and it’s causes regular arguments. What I’m saying is accept it, your DC and DB may become close friends. Don’t hinder their relationship, because of your opinion of something which can’t be changed.

The other thing which annoys DP about this situation, is that his dad doesn’t act like a father to him anymore (yes he’s an adult), but sometimes parental love is sacred. But more importantly his DC don’t have a grandparent, and don’t do the grandparent things you would except, as (besides the point above) he’s too busy with his young DC.

I don’t know what you can take from that. But I guess your just of the opinion that your mum should be a grandparent figure to your DC, and not overly involved in their life as she is.

I remember, when I was at school, there were several children there who had aunts/uncles at the same school, sometimes younger than them. It just seemed normal.

I have an uncle and niece pair in the same class. It is a bleeding nightmare. He thinks he can tell her off but they are both 11!

My sister and my son are in the same class! Mum and I don't suffocate each other - if that's your issue YANBU of course you should address it with her tactfully.
If the issue is just that they're in the same school, YABU in my opinion. They have the potential to have a really special relationship together, don't squash it without good reason.

I can't see the issue. My sister and nephew were in school at same time

Your right - you can't see the issue

It's not the children being at the school it's the over bearing mother at the school gates