Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

I understand why you feel this way. I don't think it's necessarily about your brother being younger than your son; it's about your mother being in a part of your life (being a school mum) when normally that's a part of life we get to do without our mums!

I would feel really resentful if I was put into a daughter role when I was going about my business in my adult life. Maybe it depends on the mother/daughter relationship, but if I was in your situation my mum would constantly be infantilising me ("have you remembered it's book day?", "I was taking to Mrs C and they mentioned you're late with your dinner slip.." etc etc). It would trigger my anxiety something rotten and I would hate it.

Is the school the natural catchment school for your son and for your brother?

I would hate this too, I don’t understand the people saying they would have no problem with it. If it was the only local school to you then I would say YABU, but based on what you have said, I don’t think you are.

I love my mum within the confines of our mother daughter relationship. If she shoe horned herself into many other areas of my life, I wouldn’t like it. It seems a bit suffocating, although I agree with posters that say your mum seems a bit insecure.

To a large extent, what’s done is done so making a fuss about it now and one of you changing schools is a bit drastic and just going to cause problems. So I think you just have to make the best of a bad situation and try to make it work. Perhaps delicately raise with her how you feel some boundaries have been blurred and while you love her very dearly, you do need your own space. This is probably easier to enforce re: family trips at a weekend (DH and I need some family time) than on a day to day basis (I would rather you didn’t speak to me in the playground). It’s hard to pre plan as a lot of the conversation depends on her reaction. Have in mind what you want to achieve and tread carefully. This isn’t one of those situations where there is an obvious right or wrong answer, it’s a very tricky situation!

There were definite tensions between my mum and my gran, because my gran was more of a mum to me, but from my pov it was great.

And therein lies the rub. Your gran took over.

My DGD is only slightly younger than my DS and they went to school together. I’ve found it a blessing. We can call on each other anytime and share the load. Baby sitters on tap.

The two of them are like siblings but are more supportive and less competitive than average siblings.

My mum has a 6 year old boy. I have an almost 6 year old girl.

I don’t find it weird, though I struggle to see him as my brother as by then I had already moved out etc.

He goes to a different school to my dd as we are the opposite ends of town, but if they ended up at the same school I really couldn’t have cared less.

I Get it, Your Son is 7 and his Uncle is 5. That's fine at primary school but if they go to secondary school together kids can be mean and things might be hard on them. For the love of god don't let them call each other Uncle and Nephew at school!!

@Taperack123

When you post here (or anywhere, really) you must realise that no everybody will see things the way they appear to you.

So - yes, your posts continue to show a word view centered on you.
It’s great that you helped your mother when she had the baby. But you seem to feel annoyed at that. Not sure why?
Is that because in your view the help should have gone the other way - from her to you?
Families help each other. It’s normal.

You said: Your mom cried when you told her you were having a baby at 20-21, yet ‘you had to go along with it’ when she got pregnant at 50...
Do you, somehow think it’s at all comparable????

Let me translate for you:
Your mom wanted you to have a little bit of life first before having a baby. Because she was a young mother herself and didn’t wish it on you.
And at 50, getting pregnant, most likely unexpectedly, she took her last change of motherhood.
One day when you are more mature in age you might be able to understand it.

She didn’t have her last baby for the purpose to embarrass you. It’s her life and it’s NOT about you.

You can continue to make it all about you. Or grow up.
And, btw - what do your child and your brother think about being in the same school? You mentioned nothing about that.

MMmomDD

So - yes, your posts continue to show a word view centered on you.

Why shouldn't she? Do women have to be all self-sacrificing and take other people's feelings into account before their own? This is the OP's time to make friends at the school gate, as the rest of us were able to. Instead her mother is there, skewing the balance.

OP, you really need to find a way to tell your mother that you're uncomfortable with the situation. She may be feeling insecure about having a small child when she's really too old for dealing with it, but you're entitled to enjoy your own child's childhood.

I think its good for them to be at the same school they will love it,i think your mum just wants them to be close and u should too, it isnt a big deal your mum had a baby the same time as u it happens alot ,so if your worried what others think then i wouldnt be .

I can't imagine being bothered by that at all.

My uncle had his last child was he was 47 and my mum had her first grandchild the year before that. So my cousin is a year younger than my nephew. Had it been my brother I still would not have seen the issue. So what if they have a kid?

Your brother is not going away. Perhaps it's time to stop being embarrassed by his existence and appreciate your mum trying to make a close relationship between her son and grandson.

I agree that you sound very self centered. Does your son like having your brother around?

I hope that your negative thoughts aren't rubbing off on him.

My mother moved in with me and DH when I was in my thirties, into a granny flat. I found it really difficult - I couldn't get her to understand that when my friends visited, I wanted to chat to them on my own. She insisted that it was only 'polite' for her to come and sit with us when there were visitors to the house. It meant I was never able to relax with my own friends, every visit turned into polite chit chat. A friend had similar problems, and finished up putting a lock on the door between her section of the house and the granny flat, which caused huge offence to her mother. But adult children are entitled to have their own life, their own friends, without parents muscling in. For those posters who don't mind...well, that's fine, good for you. But you can't force other people to see themselves as mean just because they feel differently.

@Juells

Her mother was ‘too old’ to have a small child? And was feeling insecure?
Seriously?????!!!!

So - it’s OK for men to be having children at any age, really. But now women are judging other women for being too old.
Great.

As to what’s wrong with being celf-cantered... Nothing, obviously.
Except for the expectation that the rest of the world accepts the her-centered point of view. And getting upset that we don’t.

No one prevents OP from making friends at the school gate.
Kids are at different years, so that would happen naturally. And must have happened by now - Op’s kid has been in the school for a few years.

Are there some negatives from having a family member at the school? Possibly.
But the positives of having extended family network is surely a huge positive.
Just requires a little shake of the head.

OP - I hear you.

From how I read it, the problem isn't the change of relationship (from mother to school-gate mum) but the fact that she's trying to merge different relationships with you. She's still acting as your mother (by sending you the school emails, because, obviously, you're a silly, irresponsible little girl who wouldn't read them otherwise), pushing in on your relationship with your son (by wanting to take him to the party), being a school-gate mum (and pushing in on those friendships, possibly pushing you out) and treating you as an au pair when you look after your brother. The common theme seems to be making you feel insecure, whether by making you feel like you're a poor parent, or never knowing what she's saying to your friends.

Personally, I'd move your son. You need space from it all.

We live in an area where this is pretty common. One of my friend has a daughter who is 5 years older than her aunt! Second relationship so these things happen.

It's not about the age of the children. It's about the (over) involvement of your mother.

The school should not have posed the children together for photos without gaining your permission first. It's no different to two friends wanting a school photo of their children together and I don't think I've ever known a school photographer to do that!

You should not feel obliged to host your brother or for your son to be forced to be friends with his uncle. Your mum needs to help her son find his own friends. I suspect becoming a mum again so late in life shocked her though so she has gone for the easy option.

People always gossip but it comes across that your mum makes a big thing about your son being older than his uncle. It's a talking point for her if she's feeling isolated as an older parent. Something that gets people interested in her. It's probably also why she helps out at the school so much, to make friends with a common interest.

She is also treating you like a child by sending you the emails and messages from school. I appreciate a reminder from friends that x is happening or Don't forget y. But to send every email or message is just infantilising you again. You need to assert your role as a parent for your child and remind your mum that you are an adult thank you.

If it continues, maybe call her by her first name rather than Mum or whatever. Treat her as a school gate friend if she's becoming overbearing and refuses to listen to you telling her how it makes you feel. It might make you feel your relationship is more manageable.

I can see why you are bothered by aspects of this. Actually, i don't really understands your embarrassment by the situation but very much do understand the desire to have your own life and friends separate from your family. I would find that suffocating too (I live about 4 hours from the rest of my family so no risk of this for me!)

However, if i were your DP I would be annoyed with you and not your DM (or not just your DM). You can absolutely say no when she invites you on a holiday or to do something at the weekend without your DP. I would start making your self less available at weekends (and do more with DP) and in relation to holidays I would tell her that in future she should not book anything without speaking to you first because you intend to holiday with DP and so cant use up annual leave holidaying with her. I would also say that it is hurtful that she never invites him to anything. This part is really in your control to sort out and you are lucky your DP has been so understanding towards you. If my DH told me he planned to use up all his annual leave holidaying with his parents and taking our DC (but not me) with him I would not be amused at all, and it would be him i was cross with not his DPs. I would not however have an objection to the odd (shortish!) trip of this type if discussed first.

In relation to your DB's school, now he is there and settled i don't think you can really expect your DM to move him. What you could do of course is move your DS and you would need to weigh up whether having your mother as a parent at the school is sufficiently unbearable that it is worth a bit of disruption to your DS. Maybe say to your DM that you are finding it a bit suffocating and are thinking about moving DS and see if she suggests any compromise.

Really you need to focus on things that are in your control.

t was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it.

That's good of you.

Oh FFS. The op has not said she resents her brother. She looked after him so her mum could work. She loves them both. The brother is not the problem. Her mum is. Not because she is an older mum, but because she is stomping all over her daughter's life. Someone called her dp a drama llama because he he objected to bring left out of family holidays! What is going on with this thread? OP's mum is, maybe unconsciously, infantilising her daughter, and OP loves her mum too much to know how to deal with it.
OP, your mum won't respect your boundaries, it's up to you to gently, but firmly, learn to say No.

There is no way I would like this myself but that is due to the relationship I have with my other. I can’t imagine thinking my DD would like it much either.

It is also hard to have a sibling relationship with a large gap and like you have repeatedly said, you don’t feel like a sibling and your son is more like a brother than a nephew.

It’s ok to want space and it’s ok not to want to be around your mum all day every day

Surely you should be glad your son has someone close to him his own age he can play with? Its not like they are going to call each other 'uncle' and 'nephew'

Its coming across as your main problem is your mum had sex when she was single and 50 and you don't approve.

My MIL was pregnant around the same time as her mother. My DH is very close to his uncles and sees them as brothers.

She sounds lonely. Do you feel she's stepping on your toes and not allowing you the school Mum experience? Are the boys close?

Yeah I get it op. Your mum is trying to be your mate/sister and trying to make your brother your son’s best mate/brother. I’m feel v suffocated.

They aren’t in the same year group, which is good.

Speak to the school and remind them they need your permission but your mother’s.

Say no to her more often. If something she arranges isn’t convenient for you/your family say no.

In the playground speak to the people you want to.

She can only make you her conjoined twin if you let her.

So many typos... sigh

I’d feel suffocated...

Not your mother’s...

Surely as a mother yourself, you can get over the fact that your mother had another child who is a lot younger than you. This happens more than you'd imagine. My DH has a sister who is 27 years younger than him - he doesn't think it's weird, he loves his sister and his mother too. Families come in all shapes and sizes - you need to accept it and move on.

I think you need to start standing up to her. It will be difficult, she will make you feel guilty, but you need to do it for your mental health.

Make plans with your DP for the weekend so you can't go out with her. It's not your fault your brother is, to all intents and purposes, an only child. Your son is not his brother. And if she tries to book holidays including you either refuse to go completely, or say you'll only go if your DP comes.

She'll say you're over-reacting and to stop being silly, but you're not.

OP I understand what you are saying completely. No advice but just wanted you to know I get it.