Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

PawneeParksDept you posted at 1800 and I at 1801 so yes I did miss it. It would be good, yes, for the OP to establish life separately from her mum but as her mum has skipped over about 30 schools to place her son and grandson in the same school k would say the OP isn't in charge here.

My mum was an aunty at 2.
My dad's mum was two years younger than her nephew.
I know of at least 3 families at my school where there is a aunt/uncle in the same year (or below) as a child.

It's really not that weird.

You say your mum is using you as she doesn't have friends with young children. Is that not a reason to be more caring and supportive?

Lollypop701 "Whilst it’s getting less unusual to be an older mum, I would imagine it’s hard to walk into the playground as a 50 year old with a young child." It's not as easy being 50 something as 40 something. I've done both. Bit I don't think this situation is really about the mum's age. It's about how the OP feel a about her mum being around so much. Plus it does sound like her mum is quite controlling.

I think the children might get on but being in the same school may actually make it harder. My sister and I were one year apart at school but did not get on until we left school.

OP has never really explained why she thought it was weird that her mum had a baby at nearly 50? Nice of her to "go along with it" though....

Anyway if the school thing is that much of an issue just move your ds, or grow up and tell her when your ds doesn't want to do something it's his decision. I suspect it's more like pp said and you are embarrassed of your mum - you dont have any right to be though, she hasn't committed a crime!

How old are you OP? I definitely understand why it's hard for you. I love my mum, but as a mother and I wouldn't want her to cross a boundary and become a friend/peer instead. And the holiday thing is weird. It all sounds quite enmeshed, and if one party is uncomfortable with that then they shouldn't be made to feel bad!

The 'went along with it' thing - I took that to mean that OP was happy and congratulatory and did not sit her mum down to say that she had any concerns.

She quite rightly is allowed to have concerns - assumptions she would provide childcare, holidaying together.

Actually, there's a slight hint of spousification here too. Like the kids are brothers and the mum and daughter are the parental unit.

My family’s Irish so this kind of thing is pretty common to be honest.

BUT I get you OP because it’s not just the overlap it’s actually more about the overstepping and that nothing is yours or your family’s - it like a redrawing of family unit lines.

Personally I would think about moving my sons school.
I’d also knock the holidays on the head and say outright unless your partner is invited you are not going and if ignore any blackmailing /making your son cry and beg to go.
If she’s sensible and includes your Partner, when on holiday ~with my partner~ I’d have some days where you do separate day activities and she spend the day with your brother alone

HOW overbearing?

That's the real question.

If my mom had been young enough to do it, I'm sure she'd have been trying to get pregnant with a donor egg well into her fifties right after her first grandchild was born. She wants a really weird level of involvement with people's lives, is narcissistic, she was really jealous of any attention I received as a new mother and tried to divert it to herself, et cetera.

Now, my mother is not everyone's mother (and you should be glad of that, if yours is lovely go hug her tonight or give her a call). But it means I could see the scenario where a really messed-up parent would do this intentionally after a grandchild's birth in order to be continuously involved with the grandchild and feel like they were entitled to see everything and do everything with school for the grandchild as well as their own child.

Maybe your mom's nothing like this, and certainly most are not, and this is something that has been common through time blahblahblah I get it. But this starts from you being uncomfortable and I'm going to take you at your word that something's making it feel bad, and that's the real worst-case-scenario situation: a sibling of yours born specifically to get your parent involved more in your child's life.

So is it that? Do you think that's what happened here? You say you found the way the pregnancy happened "weird."

Surely if she invites you somewhere and you don't want to go you can just say thanks but no thanks? You don't have to go on a 2 week holiday without do just to please your dm/because she asked you to go.

Equally it sounds as though you are p'd off that you were providing childcare - again you can/could say no to that if you didn't want to.

If she resends you emails etc and you don't want them just delete them or tell her you don't need her to do it.

I am struggling with this one tbh op. Isn't it nice for your ds to have someone to play with?

You just need to manage it so that you say yes to some things (that suit you) and no to the others.

"Thanks for the invite dm but we can't go away with you for 2 weeks. That's our main holiday for the year and we'll be going away with dp and ds. However if you'd like to make some plans for a long weekend/a week away with us at half term whilst dp is working that'd be great.

If dm strops fair enough don't offer again but give it a try?

If she doesn't have many friends with young children it can be quite lonely especially at weekends/holiday times but there are ways around it like youth hostels, family hotels, single parent holidays (not been on one but I've looked at a few).

Also the brother the same age as your ds I think you have to get over that one. My friend grew up with his niece in the same class all the way through school. His nephew was 2 yrs below. He was the youngest of 4 with big well spaced gaps in between. He wasn't the only one (from one of those villages where everyone knows everyone etc!!). Dsis was an Aunty before she was born. My family is odd but that is the least odd thing imho!!

I know several people who have grandchildren older than their own children

What the what now

The grandchildren older than children comes when man has a second family 30-40 years after his first DC are born and his first DC are already parents.

It probably depends what your parents are like whether you'd be ok with having children at the same school.
Lovely. You get on well with them = great!
Horrible, interfering gossipmongers= not so great

I don't think the issue is you having a sibling younger than your son. That's not unheard of. I think the issue is you are an adult but will always feel like a child while your mum is involved in everything you do. It's natural to want your own life away from your parents. To make grown up decisions without having to explain yourself. You either talk to her about it or move away. Close enough to visit on weekends, but far enough to live your own life.

It's at the outside possible to have a great-aunt/uncle younger than the great niece/nephew. I have two friends from school (not from a very privileged area) who became grandmothers at age 32-33. I have sometimes contemplated that if those generation lengths continue, they may have great-grandchildren before age 50.

I can see where both of you are coming from OP. Your DM, is likely anxious and very aware that she stands out in the playground. She was probably worried that she would struggle to make Mum friends and that as a result your db wouldn’t be invited to play dates/ parties etc. Getting into your ds’s school was likely a huge relief to your dm! Not only would she have you for company in the playground, your db would have your ds close by and through you she would have a better chance of making Mum friends.

It sounds like your Mum is trying her hardest to make friends with other Mums through volunteering at school and helping out with PTA things. I would encourage your DM to keep volunteering and helping out with the PTA as this is her chance to make other Mum friends.

I do understand your feelings too, your DM is almost smothering you! I would never have agreed to any holiday that my dh was not invited to! Fair enough if he was invited but had to work, so we would go without him, with his blessing. But your dm is treating you half like a spouse/ joint parent and half like her little girl. I would make it clear that you, your dh and ds are a family unit, you come as a package. She can’t just decide she is taking your ds somewhere at the weekend, that is family time and your dh needs time on his own with you and your ds. You also need time to visit your dh’s family.

Could you use this to your advantage? Could you suggest that your DM take both boys to school in the morning and you pick them up in the afternoon or vice- versa ? That way you are getting time to speak to your Mum friends without your DM by your side? This might not work if your DM lives further away but could work if say your DM dropped your DB at yours allowing her to get to work earlier?

At my dcs school, there was two dcs in the same year who were technically uncle and niece. It’s not that unusual.

I’mmguessing You don’t want your mum intruding onto your life. However, imdon’t really See she has done anything wrong.

Isn't it nice for your ds to have someone to play with?

I'd say me he'd have friends for this!

I totally get why this bothers you. The checking whether I'd got letters etc would drive me crazy. Sometimes you just want to form new relationships without influence from home life. Could you ask her to back off a bit - like if your mum worked with you, you'd expect her to be professional and not mum!

he feels she steals us away as she books two week holidays etc and never invites him along or trys every weekend to make us come with her for days out

Well he's got a point.

I think you could/should put a stop to enabling that and/or insist your DP comes along.

I think YABU as regards your brother being the same age as your DS (I was a very young aunt and was a great great aunt in my early 40s!). But YANBU at being overwhelmed by your Mum's behaviour towards you and your DS (and DP).

Sorry! Just saw this wasn't AIBU. I stand by what i said though

I wouldn’t like it either OP.
It would feel a bit like your mum trying to come on nights out with your friends! As adults we need space to be ourselves, not be a perpetual child.

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP. I wouldn’t like this at all.