Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

I also think you are getting a hard time and if you had re worded your OP about the real issue of your mother musclling into your territory and taking over - you would have different opinions.

Those who say OPs mum would struggle with friends - she had years to make friends - this is OPs chance without being a package deal.

There are so many threads on MN about overbearing grandmas wanting too much involvement in the gc’s time. Many of the posters feel a visit once a week is enough. I can’t imagine having to see grandma at school every day. I would want my own life! I totally agree with you op!

Just have a word about the holidays! And use having your brother at the same school to your advantage....you will always have someone for pick up and drop off if you need it!! They proberbly won't play with each other because they woll have their own friends...

I think the weekend thing is the weird part, not asking your partner is odd.

How do the boys feel? Do they like being at the same school? They were obviously together when you were looking after your brother.

If it is the school playground that is bothering you could you and your DM alternate taking both boys to school? Or one takes them the other does pick up?

OP I once taught a little boy who had a nephew two years older than him and his mother (the granny) brought him to school in a pram. Now that would be embarrassing!

Many children and grandchildren are used to being together, 'nephew and cousin', if they are of similar age.

What's the problem? It's nice to have someone like a sibling.

I'm the age of your mum. My dd was in primary until this year. Parents at school come in all varieties. The uncles/brothers aunties/sisters thing is not usual but not freakishly rare.
If I were in your situation, I would be pissed off a bit if it was my mil but not my mother. The bond is stronger even if it feels a bit wonky. And I would be being a bit childish to be pissed off with either.
If holidays are causing issues, talk to her.
Your partner is being a drama llama talking about stealing families.
Are the kids ok with it? If so, make it work.

If im honest i dont see the problem. As long as your mother is blessed with fertility is her decision to have a child and secondly the school isnt yours.
Id have thought it was good to have the boys close?

What is it that you dont like about it?

You aren't being unreasonable, you're being a bit stuck up. By the sounds of it- you're embarrassed that your mum had a baby after you. If you didn't have DS then you wouldn't be fussed.

I really hope your son doesn't pick up on how you're feeling. What a shame for your mum to have raised such a selfish, entitled girl.

I totally get it OP. It’s perfectlu natural to separate yourself from your parents to live your own life. In fact it’s a healthy developmental stage to do so only you’re not really being allowed to are you? Your mum is very involved in the minutiae of you and your child’s life, especially his school life and is forcing a closeness and proximity you are not comfortable with. I totally get it and you’re not “selfish” or “weird”. Not one bit.

I can see you point however I would think this is a very common situation.
Lots of people have children later in life or whatever.
My cousins half sister is younger than her oldest child.
My grandmas niece was older than her, so it is quite common.
Having said that I remember my grandma always referred to her niece as her cousin clearly showing she was embarrassed by the age difference. Yet her mum and dad only had children to each other it was just that there was a wide age gap between the eldest and youngest which was unavoidable back then.

Also when you look at people like Rod Stewart who can't seem to refrain from having kids with any Ton , Dick or Harry, this is often the result and they forget how others might feel.

I don't think you can tell her to back off without upsetting her, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't seperate. Clear boundaries are obviously urgently required between your nuclear family (you, your DP and your DS) and your extended family - your mother and siblings. Not everyone needs to clearly lay out these barriers but you do! Your mum is treating you like a teenager and cutting your partner out completely.

Aus84 has summed it up really. Your mum is coopting your independent adult life as an extension of her life. She's trying to force a "failure to launch" really. It must be unbearably suffocating.

Tbh in your situation I would move away if it were possible - at least an hour's drive. It's probably the only way you'll be able to launch your own independent family life. However I appreciate that work for you and DP might make that impossible, and his (presumably less overbearing) family ties and your friendship network might mean it isn't appealing.

I understand OP. I joined my kids PTA and my mum kept telling me she wanted to join, but they're my group of friends, she had her turn and as a result made some lifelong friends herself. Might sound childish but it's true. You sometimes need to keep family and school/friends separate. Not sure what the solution is but you have my sympathy with the situation

your mum sounds suffocating - I wouldnt go to the fundraiser and start saying no to her suggestions of holidays/ things on a weekend...
sorry we are busy etc... try and establish some of your own space.. which is a normal part of growing up!

if some people are happy to live in complete hand in pocket thats fine for them - but it sounds like you feel you need some space....

but definitely have a word with her and the school about the photo..
you are the parent it is upto you wether he has other photos done.... school may have thought she'd agreed it with you but should have checked but your mum was out of order not discussing it with you...
she needs to back off!

What is it you want your mum to do differently? Think what you need and then a diplomatic way to ask. Obviously brother shouldnt move schools if he is settled.

1)don't talk to you in playground?
2)Stick to own class mums?
3)Don't text you every evening?
4)One day trip per month?
5)no holidays without dh?

Pick a couple you need the most then ask as kindly as you can. If you just tell her how you feel with no practical information she will just be hurt and assume you want/need all of the above. Which will prob be too hard for her anyway.

Personally I would include my mum, but I expect that is easy to say when not in the situation.

The weirdness of MN threads continues...

HRTFT but I don't understand so many posters saying things like "No, you're the weird one to feel that way!". The OP feels how she feels, not everyone is as wonderful and caring as other MN posters

In the OP's shoes I'd feel really suffocated. She wants to experience her own child's childhood, not have her little brother poked in everywhere. I'd be particularly annoyed about the school photo if it was done without her permission.

OP, is there any way you can tell your mother how you feel?

I get at you are saying.
You had boundaries and specific ‘roles’ as mother and daughter.
Your mum been involved in that way means she has changed the rules and boundaries and is expecting you to be her friend with a child do similar age rather than her daughter.

The big problem there is that YOU don’t want to change the boundaries!

I think your mum is lonely and probably is struggling to find people she can ‘bond with’, mothers with a young child that are also a grand mother (and despite what MN says, I suspect a lot of people will be judging too).

I agree you need a chat and reestablish boundaries.
I would look at what is causing you the most problems a. Have a chat aboutbit with her. I wouod also ask her if she needs some help etc... the reason why she is always trying to rope you in might well be that SHE is feeling uncomfortable when she is in her own.

So many people think this is fine because this isn't happening to them!!

Think about this from your son and your little brother's point of view. They are probably really happy to be at the same school.

My gran remarried when my mum was 14 and she was 35. My mum got married young and had me at 18, and when my gran was 40, she had a son. He and I grew up like brother and sister and went to the same school, a year apart. Everyone knew he was technically my (half) uncle, but we were like siblings and it was great.

There were definite tensions between my mum and my gran, because my gran was more of a mum to me, but from my pov it was great.

I sympathise. You want to build your own independent adult life, and your Mum is infringing on that. I think you need to raise it with her in a measured way.

I’m close to my mum but I would hate this. We have a completely different relationship than I do with my friends/her with hers.

Does your mum ever see your son in a grandparent/grandchild situation rather than just as a friend to, or someone to entertain her son/your brother?

Given the way your DM reacted when you became pregnant, I can only imagine how she felt when 2 years later she realised that she was pregnant again, I'm almost the same age and I certainly wouldn't want to go through it all again. Having said that she's handling it quite badly.

I totally get that you are feeling that she is being overbearing. That really can not be easy. Things like the photo I think you should just let go, given the situation its not unreasonable for her to want a pic of her son and grandson together.

I think you need to have a chat, accept where you are at now, ignore the gossips and just work out some ground rules for you and your mum.