Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

I'm confused.
Are there DFs about?
Is DM arranging 2 holidays a year for you and DS ?
Who wants that much contact with your DM?
You have to get tough OP. Can you move?

I get it too op and would hate it. She seems to be blurring all the relationships and is treating you as a child whilst pushing herself into your life. It's hard enough to navigate school parent life without having someone else complicate it.
Moving schools is probably the only option but that will probably cause just as much bad feeling as speaking to her and telling her how you feel. I think you'll need to decide what you want and tell her the rules otherwise you'll have to put up with it for the rest of your sons school life.

I know of a few situations where the uncle/aunt is younger than the niece/nephew, but this tends to be in larger families, and there are lots of children going down the age order from eldest to youngest. It's not as common to have a huge gap with no children in those intervening years.

The problem isn't just that though, is it? It's that your DM is trying to blur the boundaries between mother and friend, and you're just not as comfortable with that. I guess she doesn't have many friends, and those that she did have aren't as easy to see with a young child in tow as they wouldn't have dependent young children around.

Firstly, your DM needs to stop trying to cut out your DP. It really isn't on. The father of your child is your partner, and she doesn't get to push him out. You need to put a stop to this.

Secondly, you have EVERY right to have your own friends. Your DSs are in different year groups, you should both be able to have friends in your own year group. The tricky thing however is that a 2 year age gap is common in children, so quite a few mums in your year group will have DC in your DM's year group. Try to veer towards the ones who don't, and try to keep the groups a little separate. That might help you with some separation.

Good luck, it's tricky, and I don't think your DM is being very sensitive to this.

I don't see the problem? It would be handy for both of you, say one of you are running late to collect or are unwell and need someone to take him to school, you can both help each other out. Or maybe so you don't have to see her at school every day then why don't you suggest taking in turns doing the school run so only one of you has be there

What baffles me about these threads is things like ‘what’s the issue I would love the help’ clearly OP doesn’t need or love the extra help as it is intense and suffocating and there is no escape from it!

If it was limited to once in a while extra School pick ups I don’t think OP would be posting

It's a bit unfair on DS as DM probably only welcomes him along and won't want his 7 year old friends along , 2 years is a big gap at that age ( though many will have siblings that age they will also have play dates with same aged school friends).

I do understand op and it probably has very little to do with your brother and a lot to do with your mum feeling young enough again to be your friend.

I'm not sure what schools are like where you live but in our area year 3 is a time when lots of children move school would that be an option?

I would hate this and I get on with my mum. It's having a life outside your relationship with her. Being part of the school and knowing mums etc feels like my thing to have, not to have my mum involved at every step.

So many posters are being deliberately obtuse.

The mum cried and was upset about what people would think when Taperack123 became pregnant at 20/21.

The mum would accept no response except Taperack123 being happy for her and helping her out with baby ewuipment and 2 years of childcare when she herself became pregnant while single despite the fact that she initially hid the pregnancy.

Very hypocritical behaviour surely? Neither of them necessarily felt the other was pregnant under ideal circumstances, but in both cases the feelings Taperack123 's mother are put first.

Taperack123 's mother is treating Taperack123 like a slightly incompetent aupair to both boys, and the boys as brothers.

Taperack123 's mother is trying to join Taperack123 's friendship group as a friend, not as her mother.

At the same time Taperack123 's mother infantilises her and treats her as a bit dozy and impossibly young, organising her and checking on her.

Taperack123 's mother clearly has no respect for Taperack123 's relationship with her DP, as she books holidays and days out for Taperack123 and their children from which her partner is excluded. Tapwrach123 feels more like a babysitter on these trips and says her mother treats the boys as brothers.

How can anyone think this is a non issue?

It's absolutely shitty behaviour.

It's nothing at all to do with older mothers and everything to do with one specific woman forcing a very odd codependent relationship on her adult daughter, making her adult daughter feel unhappy and controlled and reducing her adult daughter's happiness, removing hwr chance to have her own friends, and threatening her relationship and right to parent her own child within her own nuclear family.

People who wouldn't have a problem with that presumably are entangled in some unhealthy codependent relationship of their own, or crave to be!

My MIL had a baby 8 months after my first child was born. The whole thing felt very strange. Me and DH were well into our 20s and married. I’ve heard it happening when young girls get pregnant as teens and their own mums are still in their 30s, but I’ve never met anyone in the same situation as me and DH. We were both really shocked when she announced the pregnancy straight after we’d welcomed DD (the first grandchild in the family) and it did feel like all anyone then talked/asked about was the unusual situation and the fact DH’s was pregnant rather than the fact we’d just had our first baby.

Things worked out fine of course but I absolutely wouldn’t want my DD to be at the same primary school as her uncle (they are the same school year). They would both be known purely for that fact and people would gossip/only ever be interested in asking about the unconventional set-up as you’ve mentioned so I totally, totally get that aspect of it. Even if it does come across as selfish.

I can also understand the odd relationship being formed between you and your mum. Is moving schools as option? Sorry I haven’t read the entirety of this thread

Of course she books trips together they're family and around the same age...

Of course she books trips together they're family and around the same age...

I have never booked a trip for a close family member & child and left out the child’s father. Have you?

There is a great synopsis of the situation by Blueskies.

@Thewisewomansfear some things in isolation such as trips together might be stifling or bearable depending on your personality but all piled together it is too much.

It's pretty normal now to see kids whose uncles or aunts are of a similar age, my friend is 30 and she has an uncle who is a lot younger then her and I have others who are similar.

Now people are having children a lot later that this is now quite common and nobody gossips about it, and anyone who does, their opinion isn't worth bothering about anyway, why would anyone be concerned about that?

It's just like their cousins at the same school.

For me it would be less about the uncle/nephew thing and more about your mum being part of that bit of my life that I'd rather age wasn't.

I love my mum but I wouldn't want her at every school event/fete/night out concert etc.

You can't do much about school but you don't have to see much of her outside. Definately knock the holidays on the head