Mum put my younger brother to my son's school

[Taperack123]

I'm 28 and have a 7 year old son, a few years after I had my son my mum had my brother who is now 5, it was all a bit weird but I have never said anything about the situation, just went along with it. We've gone together to a lot of places like on holiday etc but now my brother has started school and my mum decided to put him in the same school as my son - which is what i'm not so keen on. I've have never said anything about it and feel it's all getting too much not to say anything anymore. I have only another sister who is a year older with no children so doesn't get it when I moan about anything to do with the situation and always sticks up for my mum. Am I overreacting? I just find the whole thing strange having my mother in the playground whilst i'm taking my child to school, she got the school to take photos of the boys together without asking me (which i feel is more a thing for siblings) then we went to the halloween disco together to which I didn't want to stay as I just feel its all the other parents talk about as I've got parents constantly asking me about the situation...! Now there a christmas party put on by the parents and my mum is helping out and I said I wasn't going to it which she is now insisting she takes my son with her to keep my brother happy and won't take no for a answer it's seeming. I just want my son to have a separate school life without his Granny being so involved, I feel she's always checking on us - when we're late or resends me e-mails from the school to make sure I've seen them.
Basically how can I let her know I'm finding the whole situation too weird without upsetting anyone?

I get it: you’re embarrassed that your mum had a child two years after you did, and having her in the playground alongside you makes people ask questions and/or gossip about you.

^I get it too

I don't know why this is so hard for you, there were two in my school aunt/niece and no one was bothered

How does your son get on with his uncle?
I get where you are coming from but also understand your mum needing extra support and assuming you are happy to help.
Your only options though are to move schools or have a word with your mum. I'm guessing she would be massively offended however you word it. Feel for you.

It sounds like your DM is lonely and worried that she's not providing your DB with a fun childhood, hence insisting that he goes to the same school as your DS. TBH, the time address the issue about schools was BEFORE your DB got put into the school with your DS. I'm amazed the LA did her bidding, as they never normally do stuff like that, but anyway ...

As for forwarding the school emails - you can simply ask her not to do it surely? Remind her that you receive everything she does and you don't need her to send you things. Re: the photos - let it go - it's done now. As for her helping out - is she at a loose end? That's what it sounds like to me - or perhaps she's trying to make friends? I'm guessing she's a lot older than most of the other Reception mums, so perhaps she feels a bit like an odd one out and is trying to fit in?

Honesty, but with tact added, is usually the best policy, but unless you're expecting her to withdraw your DB from the school and send him elsewhere then saying that you're finding it all a bit weird and wish she hadn't done it is only going to achieve rancour between the two of you.

I get it: you’re embarrassed that your mum had a child two years after you did

What embarrassing about that? That the mother is still having sex?

My dd is hoping to have a dc who can go to school with my youngest!
Why are you ashamed of your dm?

You need to get over it. At primary school way back when we had an uncle/nephew in same year group. I highly doubt the LA took your dm choice of school without due process. Use it as an opportunity to share the workload. As to be taken off on holiday away from your dp, you could just say no as you have other plans.

the fact that your relationship is switching from a mother/daughter to a ‘mums from school’ one

This. It is weird.

My mum has recently joined a club my good friend is in and they really get on well. Now when I want to meet up with my friend there's a bit of a weird 'do I include my mum' sort of thing.

And I would not like if I thought she was appropriating my son in some kind of way. I would make sure the school knew she was not to make any decisions for him.

I'd feel weird about it. The sending you emails, getting you to go to parties feels like she's trying to be your school mum friend rather than your mother. There's no clear boundary line around your relationships now and it feels uncomfortable. At least that's how I'd see it.

My daughter has a boy and his auntie in her class, as far as I know it has never caused issues/gossip.

MMmomDD - sometimes theres more behind what people say. When I got pregnant and told my mum she burst into tears because she was so unhappy and told me things how my grannie will say it's like mother like daughter. So it wasn't the best then when she told me she was pregnant two years later I was to just be happy about it and gave her all my sons baby things and looked after my brother for 2-3 years whilst she went back to her full time job. So I don't think I am self centered and selfish so if you have no helpful advice don't comment thanks!

It's unusual I'll give you that but not unheard of - there was a little boy in my DD2's class whose auntie was in dd1's class (next year group up) and the mother and daughter in this case were really close and lived in adjoining semi's. My dh was brought up with his uncle (5 years apart).

But you aren't happy so you need to talk to your mum, get boundaries set. The thing about her only saying she was pregnant at 5 months could be because she didn't realise, periods can get a sporadic after 45 ish.

I am more interested that your mum got pregnant at nearly 50, I know it's not impossible but that is more newsworthy than the boys going to the same school as far as I can see!

MMmomDD what a vile post. Mumsmet is for support. The OP is asking for support not your horrible judgments!

Taperack123 I completely u understand why you find this unpleasant. It may be surprisingly common to some for an uncle to be two years younger than a child but I think it is quite unusual. Strange too for the uncle to be placed in school with the nephew.

I think you just need to tell your mum you need your space. She can't take your son out to be a play mate for your brother if you don't want her too. Yell her go stop re-sending emails.

I think you need avheary to heart. She sounds lobrky but she needs to make other friends and that eould be so much easier at s school local to her.

Tell not yell.

Unfortunately your mother really doesn’t get she’s stepping on your toes. She probably doesn’t get she is treating you like the babysitter, not a parent. I think you need to make as many plans as you can, which doesn’t involve her. You can still do play dates and meet up regularly. Just not joined at the hip. Get some boundaries and learn to say no. You are of course entitled to see friends without your mother being present. That would be very stifling. With friends we do talk about our parents from time to time.

I feel for you and would find this really difficult too! It just all seems a bit too much and I would personally prefer more space to make mum friends without my mother always being there. I would look to move schools if possible to be honest.

Perhaps you should have established some distance some time ago OP and that should be your starting point

"Mum it bothers me that my brother and my son are being brought up as though they were siblings, I would appreciate me and DS being able to have a world of our own. I know you weren't ready to be a Granny and needed to reestablish your identity as a Mum, but this is now my role too, and it's hard not to feel I have to share all my motherhood experiences and not have them in my own right"

It will probably still offend though - I understand a bit more from your updates

missyB1 the OP didn't say there was anything weird about older mums!

"Just be glad your son has a family member close in age to him, they will probably be great pals growing up." I think you are missing the point here!

PawneeParksDept the OP is bothered, or don't her feelings count?

I recon many players here would run a mile of their mum joined tgeir book group! It's normal to have some distance!

I feel for you op. It sounds as though she has taken over - when this is your turn to be an independent person, meet other mums etc without your own mum being constantly there. Could you move schools?

I'm assuming you missed my follow on post IG

And the problem is........? I can't see it myself.

I would honestly consider moving schools. I also find it really weird when people have children after their children have children.

Having an aunt or uncle younger than you is weird and my youngest uncle is only 2 years older than me. Your aunts and uncles are meant to be the cool ones who can look after you if they want and break mum and dads lame rules and an adult you can confide in not a younger kid.

The thing is, she's not going to make other mum friends and her friend won't make other friends whilst she's relying on you. So I think you're right to try and keep away from events at school if you can/want to. And try and stick to year group things?