AIBU - Stag Do - Two Young DC's + Money Priorities

[WinterNightsByCandleLight]

• Hoping this works this time as it's my third attempt at posting this thread, only to keep discovering it doesn't actually post and mysteriously vanishes! -

Right, so, OH is going on a stag do in May from the Friday morning to the Monday evening. We have two young DC's who, by that time, will be 2.5yrs and 1.4yrs

Neither of our DC's sleep well at all and I have little to no hope of that drastically changing within 5 or so months. DC1 has been the world's worst sleeper from the get-go and DC2 has just started teething which of course, lasts for months on end and wreaks havoc on night wakings. I'd say that on an average night, each of them wake up anywhere between 3-6 times and that's not including the times that one wakes the other up (they share a room) and scream the place down in unison.

I'm not thrilled about having to do four days and three nights completely on my own while our DC's are still so young. A standard Mon-Fri week at home with them is difficult and draining enough, without missing out on the help at the weekend and having to somehow manage both DC's night wakings alone.
I told OH about my concerns, but he assured me that "I'll be okay!" - useful and constructive..

My second annoyance is coming from the financial side -

This trip will cost OH somewhere in the region of £500-£600 (transport, accommodation, food, activities etc), yet up until now OH has always bleated on about how rubbish he is at saving money. It's why we never do anything nice for our birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, no random 'date night' restaurant outings, we've had one trip away in the four years we've been together and that was two nights stay somewhere in England not overly far from where we live. We've never taken the kids on holiday or for a short break... you catch my drift!

When I questioned OH exactly how he's planning on saving over half a grand in what's in essence, not a huge amount of time, he told me "he's got it figured out, he'll manage, he'll be able to do it". So that leaves me thinking, hang on a minute, if he's capable of saving a relatively large lump sum, why don't we do nice things? Why don't we go out for birthday dinners, special occasions or take the kids to Butlins?!
My final kick in the teeth surrounding the cost of this trip, comes from the fact I've been wanting OH and I to get engaged for some time now (I know, I know, I could propose, but I'd like for him to be the one to get down on one knee!) yet I've always been told that he can't afford the ring that I picked out and fell in love with way back when we first started dating. We've spoken about marriage a lot and are both equally adamant that it's definitely in our future, so I've shown him - many a time - rings that are far, far cheaper than the first one I saw, in fact, they cost less than he'll be blowing on this stag do! But it seems that saving up for this trip is evidently more of a priority than the likes of an engagement ring, or a family break away, or doing nice things for the special occasions..

AIBU to be a bit begrudged by any of this?
I'm expecting Aunt Flo any day now so I know I'm being more cranky and sensitive than usual, but it's still niggling away at me!

Thank you if you've read this far, I hadn't intended to waffle so much

You're totally right to feel annoyed

Shows you where his priorities are though, clearly not with you. If he can magic up 500 for an extended drinking session then he should have managed to take you out for dinner at least. He sounds selfish.

You need to have a serious word with him not about the stag do per se but about all the other issues in your relationship.

He sounds like a selfish man child who wants it all his own way.

Do not blame how you feel on your period as your totally right to be angry & annoyed.

Do you have any fun in your life or any benefit from having him as a partner except for helping get the kids to sleep??

As long as you can have the equivalent at the next hen do / trip away you want YABU.

The sleep thing is rubbish but in the grand scheme of things not a reason to never go away with friends whether for a stag do or not.

However the lack of priority that you and the children have in your DPs life is wrong. My DH is pretty self absorbed and capable of spending pretty large sums in our world...probably peanuts to others of his money on things that are just for him, but he never does that unless we've had a family treat first. He's splashed out on family holidays, made over the girls bedrooms, treated us to random days out in the UK with overnight stays. Nothing massively extravagant but we never come second to what he wants to spend money on. I'm the same with my spare money. Family fun/nice things first and if there's something left over I'll be selfish.

Being able to prioritise money for a friend's stag do but not being able to prioritise money for a family holiday, engagement ring, small wedding etc does not paint him in a good light. In fact it makes him look like a dickhead.

I'd call him out on the finances and declare you had no idea there was such a great pot of money that could be saved every month.

Sit down together, work out all necessary expenditure then set a sensible budget for rainy day stuff and a family fun fund and make sure the family fun fund is ringfenced for things that you all benefit from. Then split what's left over as 'pocket money' for you each to spend as you desire.

This will either kick him up the backside and make him realise there's no reasonable way he can afford a jolly with his mates or it'll mean this stops being a point of friction in the future and this time next year you'll either have a healthy little holiday fund ready for 2020 and a nice time abroad or you'll have been somewhere nice in the UK for a family break.

I mean, if it's someone close to him then I think you should be able to cope with the kids on your own for 3 nights, equally if you had something important on he should be able to do the same back, you can't just be tied to the house indefinitely until the kids get bigger.

The money thing is a different story though, I would be really annoyed that you could never afford to go anywhere or do anything together because you've got no money but it magically appears for a Stag do........

No you are not being unreasonable about any of it.

The only way I'd go along with it was if i got a trip if the same duration and cost away while he looked after the kids (not his mum, him).

Even that still doesn't solve the problems of his priorities re. Engagement and couple/family outings/hold/ activities.

Hols

In 5 months the sleeping may well be better - I'm sure you will cope . Maybe seeing his friend marry will make him rethink his commitment to you because you've surely committed to him with no marriage certificate , giving birth twice and presumably not working at present .
Good that he can save up for his weekend away but that surely means you and the children deserve a treat at a later date as you allude to . Relationships have to work for both parties .

Admittedly the DC's night wakings are merely the cherry on top of this situation for me. Sure, it'll be bloody tough, but I know deep down I will just grit my teeth and get on with it.
I certainly don't expect either one of us to not have time away from the house purely because we have young kids, but when coupled with the fact that we never do anything nice or special as a couple, have no savings kitty for an engagement ring, no funds put aside for a potential holiday.. it's rubbed me up the wrong way hearing about how 'easily and capably' he's going to save up all this money for four days away with his mates 🤔🙄

I think he's a very selfish person.

You never even go out to eat or have a special treat on birthdays and no holiday for the family as the money isn't there, but he can get the money for this.

It's shown you where his priorities lie. He wants to do this, so all the other things, the engagement, the wedding, holidays with you and the kids, days or meals out, do not mean as much to him.

but when coupled with the fact that we never do anything nice or special as a couple, have no savings kitty for an engagement ring, no funds put aside for a potential holiday..

Yeah, I mean it kind of says "I can save money if it's something I really want to do...." so what does that mean? I don't want to holiday with you or the kids or get married? He's probably thinking that's not much of a break for him but that's not good enough, he needs to get his priorities straight

I don't think your first annoyance is end of the world stuff but I'd say you entitled to your own time-out a following weekend (or before if he really wants to show it's appreciated.)

Your second annoyance is completely justified and he's being a dick.

He can save the money when he really wants something and unfortunately it says a lot about how he views a potential engagement ..

He sounds incredibly selfish

I'm unsure as to whether I should raise this issue with him/make him aware of how it seems as though his priorities aren't balanced or just leave it and see if him saving money for this stag do proves (mostly to himself) that he is infact capable of doing it and therefore might make more of an effort to save for the other things I've mentioned.

that he is infact capable of doing it and therefore might make more of an effort to save for the other things I've mentioned.

I think that's wishful thinking, why not say what's on your mind? You don't have to do it in a confrontational way

He doesn’t sound very switched on - just be careful that he isn’t planning to take out some kind of payday loan for this trip.

That could open up a whole new world of problems.

@Trinity66 I likely will wind up saying something, though in my head - and as much as I now feel like I do have legit reason to be annoyed about all this - it kinda sounds like "I'm pissed off that you're saving up to spend money on yourself and not me". Do you see what I mean? My terms somewhat seem equally selfish though I know that deep down they're not

Yeah I know what you're saying but maybe phrase it like "It's not that i don't want you to go to the stag/spend time with your friends, it's just that it's upset me that we can never seem to find any money to go away with the kids/celebrate birthdays/get married but you can find money for a stag, it makes me feel like our family isn't much of a priority"

I think it's probably the financial thing that's niggling at you? The thing that you probably watch money so much and also especially the ring. We were saying one night it's terrible that we always spend money on weddings and presents and go without so much/never go out as a couple etc but everyone is the same. It's so far away being may and I think everyone deserves to get away for a break (I went to Amsterdam with my friends last year and it saved my sanity!!!) Can you get some help while he's away? It'll be tough but if you just take it day by day and look after yourself and enjoy the alone time too you'll fare better than you think. I'll get killed for this but I don't agree with the man child comments, people deserve to get away with their friends. Talk to him about it rationally and suggest a shorter time away and also ask about the wedding plans and good luck with it all

Oh and also I've gone to hens/weddings where others didn't cos of cost and it means so much to the person, saying that if he doesn't know anyone at it well(I don't know if it's a close friend?)I don't know that any of my point is valid!!!

I'm unsure as to whether I should raise this issue with him/make him aware of how it seems as though his priorities aren't balanced or just leave it and see if him saving money for this stag do proves (mostly to himself) that he is infact capable of doing it and therefore might make more of an effort to save for the other things I've mentioned.

He's capable of doing it for something for him, I wouldn't take that to mean it will eventually translate into something for you as a family.

If he can do it now, why not do it first for something for you all?

@stayathomer I completely agree that we both deserve a break. Our DC's are so young and so close in age, so home life is incredibly full on and tiring - my issue isn't so much about him going away (though of course him taking a trip does mean those few days are gonna be rough for me) it's the priority of money and savings.

In retrospect, I didn't go on my step sister's hen do last year because we couldn't afford it...
This stag do is for a long term friend, so I don't (or wouldn't) mind him going on it had he not brought up several times throughout our relationship about how terrible he is at saving, meaning we've missed out on a lot of nice things, but the opportunity to get away with his mates presents itself and suddenly he's 'got it all mapped out' 🤔

One of my DC didn't sleep more than a couple of hours until he was 3.
For the people saying "you should be able to cope for 3 nights": prolonged lack of sleep is bloody hard.
My DH would be in no fit state for a stag do when we were at the worse of it and he wouldn't have considered leaving me on my own.

I wouldn’t have a problem with him going away for the stag do if he wasn’t so bad with money ie convieniently having no money for date nights but can afford to go away with his mates

His mate is getting married. Having kids shouldn’t stop him from going. Even as the mother my attitude would be “it’s probably gunna be a tough weekend but it’s his friends stag do, and it’s not as if he goes away all the time” and just get on with it. I would never expect him not to go.

Could you ask your mum or friend to stay that weekend for some adult company/help?

If I was you though I’d be telling him if he has the money for this stag do then you want regular date nights and you want to start doing things as a couple together. I think that’s your main problem here to be honest, not him going away. I just think this stag do has brought your anger out and rightly so