AIBU - Stag Do - Two Young DC's + Money Priorities

[WinterNightsByCandleLight]

• Hoping this works this time as it's my third attempt at posting this thread, only to keep discovering it doesn't actually post and mysteriously vanishes! -

Right, so, OH is going on a stag do in May from the Friday morning to the Monday evening. We have two young DC's who, by that time, will be 2.5yrs and 1.4yrs

Neither of our DC's sleep well at all and I have little to no hope of that drastically changing within 5 or so months. DC1 has been the world's worst sleeper from the get-go and DC2 has just started teething which of course, lasts for months on end and wreaks havoc on night wakings. I'd say that on an average night, each of them wake up anywhere between 3-6 times and that's not including the times that one wakes the other up (they share a room) and scream the place down in unison.

I'm not thrilled about having to do four days and three nights completely on my own while our DC's are still so young. A standard Mon-Fri week at home with them is difficult and draining enough, without missing out on the help at the weekend and having to somehow manage both DC's night wakings alone.
I told OH about my concerns, but he assured me that "I'll be okay!" - useful and constructive..

My second annoyance is coming from the financial side -

This trip will cost OH somewhere in the region of £500-£600 (transport, accommodation, food, activities etc), yet up until now OH has always bleated on about how rubbish he is at saving money. It's why we never do anything nice for our birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, no random 'date night' restaurant outings, we've had one trip away in the four years we've been together and that was two nights stay somewhere in England not overly far from where we live. We've never taken the kids on holiday or for a short break... you catch my drift!

When I questioned OH exactly how he's planning on saving over half a grand in what's in essence, not a huge amount of time, he told me "he's got it figured out, he'll manage, he'll be able to do it". So that leaves me thinking, hang on a minute, if he's capable of saving a relatively large lump sum, why don't we do nice things? Why don't we go out for birthday dinners, special occasions or take the kids to Butlins?!
My final kick in the teeth surrounding the cost of this trip, comes from the fact I've been wanting OH and I to get engaged for some time now (I know, I know, I could propose, but I'd like for him to be the one to get down on one knee!) yet I've always been told that he can't afford the ring that I picked out and fell in love with way back when we first started dating. We've spoken about marriage a lot and are both equally adamant that it's definitely in our future, so I've shown him - many a time - rings that are far, far cheaper than the first one I saw, in fact, they cost less than he'll be blowing on this stag do! But it seems that saving up for this trip is evidently more of a priority than the likes of an engagement ring, or a family break away, or doing nice things for the special occasions..

AIBU to be a bit begrudged by any of this?
I'm expecting Aunt Flo any day now so I know I'm being more cranky and sensitive than usual, but it's still niggling away at me!

Thank you if you've read this far, I hadn't intended to waffle so much

I meant strops not strips

Justified sulking I can somewhat bare - in a small dose - but this has already gone on longer that it needs to.

I've just messaged OH as it's close to the end of his working day when I know he's not doing a great deal, to tell him that I won't be playing the mediator for this situation and if he wants to resolve things then he knows what he has to do. Else he's free to continue to strop, sulk and ignore me.

If he proceeds to keep us this childish act, then I guess that tells me everything I need to know.

Sulking is really another form of emotional abuse. There is no such thing as justified sulking either. The responsibility for the sulk here is all his and on him alone. You do not try and chivvy him out of this so stand firm and continue to go about your day as normal.

I'm a bit surprised that no one has challenged the ridiculous idea that a stag do is three nights and four whole days away.

I can completely understand going away for a night. Big night out, sleep it off and a good breakfast all together the next day. Two nights, perhaps, if you are travelling further afield. But why on earth do grown men need to be away for four whole days together? Stag and hen dos appear to have become ludicrous excesses where people just waste money on time-filling activities.

If you have two small children 'time to yourself' is a day or night out, or an undisturbed afternoon in the house. You should both get that on a regular basis. Put that in place, then talk about the trip.

Agreed Maybe. If the stag do was a 'leave on the Friday morning, back by the Saturday evening' set up I'd have zero qualms. The cost would be drastically less, as would the amount of time I'd be spending alone.

Everyone is, without a doubt, entitled to a break. And like you say, an uninterrupted afternoon or one evening out is ample in restoring a bit of sanity and feeling like 'you' again. My mum sometimes takes both DC's off our hands for an hour or two once a month, and that small time is so cherished and i feel so much more refreshed for it (even if I do mostly spend that time tidying up). Once the DC's are older, it'll be easier all round to take longer trips away - the kids will be more manageable and whoever is staying home with them won't be going totally insane.

Heaven knows how I'd feel after 4 days away from my family!

The longer it goes on, aren't you thinking the less you really want to be married to him?

Don't react. Also, I wouldn't even send him a text directing him to tell you what you want to hear. He should know what the right thing is without prompt.

MaybeDoctor....

You must blind to all them hen doo threads complaining about a week in Ibiza and the likes. It cuts both ways.

Sorry if this has already been gone through but how come it’s considered his money?
Do you both work full time?
Or do you in some way facilitate him being able to work full time by looking after his kids?

He says he’s not good at saving money but where does it all go? Do you know?

I think you need to get a job and have your own income. Didn’t become responsible for all childcare costs, your DP should contribute half.

From what I’m reading, you seem to believe that you are not equal to your DP - he shouldn’t ‘bring’ you out to dinner. It should be ‘going out to dinner with’ your DP. You could as easily book the restaurant and organise a sitter as him. Unfortunately though, he doesn’t want to go out with you and you want him to make all the effort.

Madness talking about wanting a wedding with all the extras when you have to save for months to attend a stag party, how do you propose to finance a wedding ? The celebrating an anniversary thing is a deluded attempt to believe you’re in a committed relationship - who really celebrates an anniversary of meeting/first date ?

The first thing to do is get back into employment, knowing that unfortunately your relationship is going nowhere and plan an exit. The alternative is living a life filled with disappointment.

God, why on earth do you want to marry this man? Surely he's only going to get worse if you marry him? You are being completely taken for granted.

Star - I did mention hen parties in my post. They have both become an entire industry of ridiculousness.

I've skimmed your thread OP mainly reading your posts.

My impression is that he's desperate for a break in his responsibilities and is possibly saying to himself that if he has this 'amazing' time away with his mates he'll come back a new man and THEN will be ready to focus on putting you and family first. It's all pie in the sky though isn't it cos he can't manage even now to save a bean (and I really doubt he'll be able to save for this 'do' and will then resort to debt and "I'll pay it off in record time" magic thinking).

My suggestion is to see if you can work together to find a way of him saving £500 and then use a third of it for him to take the groom out for a slap up 'do', use a third of it for you and him to have a grand night out and then use the remaining third as your first bit of saving for your future - so, it goes towards the ring, the wedding, or some other future thing you both want.

Him being no good with money I guess is something he feels frustrated and ashamed about (if he's honest with himself). You can either work together to find a hopefully long term solution so he can learn how to save money (and feel better about himself), or if he can't admit the issue to himself he'll just see you and your young family as the problem - and I doubt you'd want to remain with someone who is that blind to themselves.

There are at least two of these threads every week on MN. I understand now why my mother used to say "He won't buy the cow if he can get the milk free!"

Yep, choli. With the woman having given up her income and earning potential to enable the 'DP' to pretty much carry on exactly as he has before they had kids, or they have some 'engagement' with no wedding in sight for years and years, which makes it entirely meaningless.

OP you haven’t answered the question

Why do you want to marry a man who doesn’t even want to take you out for a meal?
He doesn’t think you’re worth spending money on for a meal, he certainly doesn’t want to marry you either

Not being mean. You deserve so so much better. You don’t want to waste anymore years of your life waiting to get married to a man who won’t even take you out for a half decent meal.

And I agree with @choli

You’re at home raising his kids. Cleaning the house and cooking the dinners. He doesn’t have to spend a penny on childcare or maintenance - in fact you don’t even know where his money goes apart from what he writes down for you to see. He can walk away at any point without losing anything. That’s why he won’t marry you

Kenny, because I do love him, despite his evident flaws. When I first met him, he was so different from any man I'd ever been with. He was so caring, intelligent, attentive, thoughtful, funny. We then obviously went on to have the DC's which are my entire world and I couldn't be happier to now have a family - however, since having children, our relationship has fallen to the wayside largely due to lack of time for each other (understandably given how full on raising two little people can be) and of course, the issue highlighted here, saving up to do things together.
I know that if he made minor changes, he'd go back to being the person he was in the first few years, and I know he's capable of finding that person again. I'm not giving up hope - just yet - of a marriage being in our future.

Look, you don’t need money or time to be attentive, thoughtful, funny, intelligent and so on.

You can be all those things while at home, even while raising young children.

What is needed is the ‘want’ to be a caring and loving partner. You could have fun at home on the sofa. You could ask your MIL to babysit and go for a walk or to the cinema or just out for a cup of coffee. You don’t need to save up for a big night out to have fun. Sadly though it seems that your DP just isn’t interested.

Well we've just had a blazing row - which has been interrupted by DC2 waking up - I'm sure there'll be more to follow once OH has got him back to sleep.

Basically, he's adamant he isn't going on the stag do now because I've apparently 'guilt tripped' him in to not going, even though I must've shouted 'I WANT YOU TO FUCKING GO, STOP TWISTING MY WORDS' about 1000 times in the space of 20 minutes.

He's said he doesn't see the point in date nights as the last one we went on (we've had one in over 2 years..) was shortly after we'd been through quite a bad patch, we got drunk, we argued (alcohol plus recent relationship shit obviously not a good combo!) - now he's insistent that date days/evenings won't happen anymore.

I kept telling him we need to resolve all this shit and he just kept storming in and out of different rooms whilst exclaiming 'it's resolved. I'm not going. You've got what you want. Now fuck off and leave me alone'.

So. Fucking. Sick. Of. This. Shit.

Whenever I voice my opinion about stuff that's on my mind/things that might have upset me/or pissed me off - it's always twisted and manipulated to make me seem like I'm the bad person. Every single time.

Looks like this fucking shitstorm is far from over 😤🤬

sorry op but he is he is blocking something as date nights / you two spending quality time together on your own, he isn't going to propose. Frankly if I were you I wouldn't want him to. His attitude stinks as does the fact that he clearly prioritises himself over his family.

He won't go back to who he was. He has always been this person. Before financial responsibilities and DC you didn't notice his selfishness and laziness. He is unlikey to change.

He's been on the NHS waiting list for the Therapy For You services for quite some time now regarding how he handles situations - stonewalling and gaslighting / generally no idea how to communicate like an adult - and yesterday he received a letter asking him to contact them to let them know he still wants treatment as there's a high volume of people applied so they're essentially working through the list and double checking who still needs their services. I asked him during the argument this evening if he phoned the number on the letter, he said yes, appointment is booked for the 4th December in the morning. I told him that's no good as the 4th is a Tuesday - he was adamant it's Sunday (wtf) - and we already know he won't be able to take time off work for counselling. Once he realised the 4th is Tuesday, he said 'looks like I won't be going then. Fuck it what's the point anyway' ERR the point being you've been on the waiting list for months!!! And you fucking need it!!! And because you won't pay for private therapy!!!

Ugh. Anyway. I've just come in to the nursery to take DC2 off his hands because he's shit at getting the youngest to sleep and I could hear the baby becoming more and more distressed. I told him not to go back in the bedroom as there's no way I'm sleeping in the lounge for a third night in a row, he effed and muttered something as he walked out of the nursery so for 10000% certainty, this will all still be going on tomorrow. Fucking lovely.

(Apologies for sudden overuse of swearing. I'm ridiculously mad. I can feel my cheeks glowing with rage) 🤬😡😠

I'm loving how he decided he could opt out of parenting his kids (laying in a dark bedroom, hiding away - twat), just because he disagrees with you

Stay angry OP. Steely cold effective anger that will keep you strong.

No. I'd say this shit storm is over.

He's not committed to your relationship and there's nothing you can do to change that. He's really not worth it.

Dismissing the idea of a date night says it all.

Bide your time. Make plans for yourself and your kids. He's doesn't deserve to be part of your future.