AIBU - Stag Do - Two Young DC's + Money Priorities

[WinterNightsByCandleLight]

• Hoping this works this time as it's my third attempt at posting this thread, only to keep discovering it doesn't actually post and mysteriously vanishes! -

Right, so, OH is going on a stag do in May from the Friday morning to the Monday evening. We have two young DC's who, by that time, will be 2.5yrs and 1.4yrs

Neither of our DC's sleep well at all and I have little to no hope of that drastically changing within 5 or so months. DC1 has been the world's worst sleeper from the get-go and DC2 has just started teething which of course, lasts for months on end and wreaks havoc on night wakings. I'd say that on an average night, each of them wake up anywhere between 3-6 times and that's not including the times that one wakes the other up (they share a room) and scream the place down in unison.

I'm not thrilled about having to do four days and three nights completely on my own while our DC's are still so young. A standard Mon-Fri week at home with them is difficult and draining enough, without missing out on the help at the weekend and having to somehow manage both DC's night wakings alone.
I told OH about my concerns, but he assured me that "I'll be okay!" - useful and constructive..

My second annoyance is coming from the financial side -

This trip will cost OH somewhere in the region of £500-£600 (transport, accommodation, food, activities etc), yet up until now OH has always bleated on about how rubbish he is at saving money. It's why we never do anything nice for our birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, no random 'date night' restaurant outings, we've had one trip away in the four years we've been together and that was two nights stay somewhere in England not overly far from where we live. We've never taken the kids on holiday or for a short break... you catch my drift!

When I questioned OH exactly how he's planning on saving over half a grand in what's in essence, not a huge amount of time, he told me "he's got it figured out, he'll manage, he'll be able to do it". So that leaves me thinking, hang on a minute, if he's capable of saving a relatively large lump sum, why don't we do nice things? Why don't we go out for birthday dinners, special occasions or take the kids to Butlins?!
My final kick in the teeth surrounding the cost of this trip, comes from the fact I've been wanting OH and I to get engaged for some time now (I know, I know, I could propose, but I'd like for him to be the one to get down on one knee!) yet I've always been told that he can't afford the ring that I picked out and fell in love with way back when we first started dating. We've spoken about marriage a lot and are both equally adamant that it's definitely in our future, so I've shown him - many a time - rings that are far, far cheaper than the first one I saw, in fact, they cost less than he'll be blowing on this stag do! But it seems that saving up for this trip is evidently more of a priority than the likes of an engagement ring, or a family break away, or doing nice things for the special occasions..

AIBU to be a bit begrudged by any of this?
I'm expecting Aunt Flo any day now so I know I'm being more cranky and sensitive than usual, but it's still niggling away at me!

Thank you if you've read this far, I hadn't intended to waffle so much

You sound profoundly uncared for and unsupported. It’s not about the money per se or about the time away, it’s that he doesn’t seem to care about all the things you enjoy and your desires and aspirations. You would like to put spare money aside for an engagement ring (and presumably then a wedding), a holiday, some family activities, and a bit of time to do things you’d like (such as your sister’s hen). He seems oblivious to all of that and happily spends all the family money on whatever he likes with the confidence that a boys’ jolly can be afforded no problem. It’s selfish and thoughtless of him.

Can I ask, do you work? How much involvement and knowledge of family finances do you have ? Do you have a joint bank account ? Do you know what he’s spending money on ?

I think you need to raise it with him because this kind of emotion can really rot away the foundations of your relationship. As other posters have said, don’t make it about the stag do. Make it about the fact that you feel very uncared for and ask how he thinks that can change.

The stag do thing doesn't seem like a big issue. Some kids don't sleep well for many years- it's not really reasonable for one person to never be able to get away for a few days.

The money thing on the other hand! He doesn't want to go away with you and he doesn't want to get married, it seems. If he did, he would save up for them. And that's not a criticism of his priorities....I am good at saving but wouldn't spend money on a holiday or engagement/wedding with DP. Because I don't want to. If he wanted to be engaged and married (soon, maybe he does in future but who knows) then he now knows he could buy you a ring he could afford and he knows you would say yes so no other excuse really. Sorry.

I would start saving yourself, though, and plan something nice for yourself. If you can't go away together because he won't save then it's only fair you get some time away yourself every once in a while. Take a friend or relative if DP isn't interested.

I definitely agree that the stag do has made me realise the issues that I was perhaps ignoring for a while.

The other day, for example, I asked him what we'll be doing for our anniversary next month. I bought him a nice new jacket for his birthday a few weeks ago and said it would be nice for him to wear it when/if he takes me out to dinner. He replied, 'we won't be doing anything as it's his nieces birthday the day before our anniversary so obviously he's had to buy her a present and keep a little money back for her party'. She'll be turning four. So not exactly needing to break the bank with regards to the cost of her gifts PLUS, our anniversary is ALWAYS going to be the day after her birthday so am I to take that as that means we'll never do anything for our anniversary, ever!?

I don't work no, I stay home and look after the kids. We have a joint account and separate accounts. He has a diary written out of all of his outgoings so I do know/can see where his money goes.

Like I've said, the problem is less about him going on a stag and more that money is going to somehow materialise for him to get away for a few days but date nights, an engagement and perhaps a little family trip seem to have fallen by the wayside and don't seem to be as much of a priority in comparison to the stag do.

That’s a very shitty response about the anniversary.

Basically until you asset yourself as an equal in the relationship this is going to be your life. Even then he sounds to selfish to be a father or a partner. He is stringing you along.

Stop being so romantic about a practical situation. That ship has sailed. You OH waved it goodbye with a satisfied smile whilst you were having his kids.

I think he believes that as he is the one who earns a wage, the money is his and it's up to him to choose what it is spent on. There are a lot of men like this: some are better than others when it comes to at least ensuring the bills are paid and the DC can have new shoes when they need them, but they consider everything that isn't living expenses to be their money, because they bring it in to the house, and their wives should be content to be fed and sheltered.

The biggest thing that comes out from this is you have no idea about his financial situation and therefore yours at all

Its not about the time away its about the money

If you can't cope for four days alone, what would happen if you split? I'd not be happy if DH said he couldn't parent alone for four days.

Money wise, the lack of savings would bother be greatly with two children. You both seem to have your priorities wrong, him with spending on a trip and you wanting a holiday or jewellery. I can see he would want a treat after working hard but it should after a nest egg in case he loses his job, the boiler goes etc.

You don't need an engagement ring or proposal to get married, you could have popped to the local registry office and had done with it if it was actually about the marriage and not the engagement and wedding day.

It’s a vey shitty response about the anniversary. And about money in general. I would wonder if this level of selfishness could really be a keeper (and go stay with a friend for a weekend in jan so he can do all the nights , it will be fine). If it might not be a keeper you need to look at going back to work - if you can find a job and childcare make sure you both pay the childcare and you don’t overspend on him and the family to your savings detriment.

Your biggest problem is that you are financially dependent on a selfish manchild who puts everyone else, including his niece, before you and your family. And you're still wanting a down on one knee proposal with ring and a wedding? That ship sailed long ago. You've allowed yourself to be in a very precarious financial situation with a man who has no respect for you or his family.

I think rather than focusing on a ring and stag do or going out you need to focus on getting some decent work because this man will never prioritise you or your kids and will always have an excuse not to marry you and who would want to marry a selfish person like this?

I'll never understand all these women who want to get married but go ahead and procreate again and again with someone when they're not. And they all seem to have unplanned pregnancies they feel compelled to carry to term, then complain about no ring and proposal when their real problem is no financial security.

@TheBigBangRocks our kids wake up a collective amount of around 10-12 times per night, and the youngest DC likes to start his day anywhere from half 4 in the morning onwards. I think that's a lot for even a super Mum to contend with alone (and I know OH would crumble if he was the stay at home parent!) So props to the women that do manage to raise several young kids that are close in age cos it's bloody hard!

I don't see why I should 'pop to the registry office' though. We both want a wedding day, OH already knows the suit and wedding car that he wants! Neither of us want a quick 'get it over and done with wedding/paper signing' and if that's not what either of us want we shouldn't resign ourselves to that.

And I'm failing to see how wanting to get engaged and have a nice family holiday with our children is me having my priorities wrong? 🤔😕 it's not like I'm asking for a random, expensive bracelet for no reason whatsoever or expecting a couples holiday to Jamaica..

So you cannot do anything nice for your anniversary as it's a four year olds birthday the day before?

Where's the logic there? She won't be out at the pub for a night, so the next evening you can go for a meal.

You sound as if there's never anything for you, missing your sisters hen, yet he gets to go for this. He's decided you're not doing anything for your anniversary as it's his niece's 4th birthday.

When is the last time you ever did anything together for either you or you both? There seems to be nothing for you, no thought for you.

I'd also start saving myself, IMO a woman should never be without funds of her own anyway, but don't rely on him because nothing will ever come to you.

I don't see why I should 'pop to the registry office' though. We both want a wedding day,

No, dear, you do. If he did he'd have already saved up and done it. And the reason you should stop with the fairytale white wedding is because at present you are quite financially vulnerable. But again, this is your lookout. Keep hoping.

I'm just not sure what he'd be gaining by talking about wedding plans if he doesn't intend to see them through. All he's doing is pissing me off in the process as the plans never materialise so I don't see why he'd bother to engage in wedding talks, knowing full well that some day (likely within the next few days) I'm going to eventually bring up why it hasn't happened yet then he'll have a real awkward conversation on his hands.

Presumably because stringing you along indefinitely is preferable in his eyes to losing his housekeeper, chef, bottlewasher and general factotum around the house. He’s got a pretty nice life really hasn’t he. And he’s relying on you not to get too demanding.

He's basically shown you where you are in his list of priorities. It's up to you if this is good enough but it shouldn't be

I'm just not sure what he'd be gaining by talking about wedding plans if he doesn't intend to see them through.

You don't? Seriously? No one is this naive! He's got you right where he wants you, doing all the donkey work in life whilst he doesn't give you so much as a nice scarf as a gift yet has money to spunk on a stag do and a 4-year-old's birthday party and he holds all the financial cards.

You packed in work to be his unpaid dogsbody and he can end that arrangement at any time and walk away with everything whilst you wind up in a B&B on UC waiting for whatever hovel the council might find for you and the JobCentre breathing down your neck to support your own kids whilst he carries on as normal.

Whose name is the house in?

You have no financial security. He keeps you sweet with all this talk about a wedding you two should have had years ago if it were going to happen not after the horse has already bolted from the stable.

He's saying what you want to hear and deals with the awkward conversation later, which I'm guessing gets resolved and he just carries on as before.
If he's so bad with money, I'm guessing a large chuck will need to come out of the family pot as some point.
By the sounds of it he is ok making excuses for things he doesn't want to do.
In his head- he's worked hard, supported you and the kids so deserves some time with friends.
My dp has been looking at weekend away with dc for February ( at work) because he can't think of a better holiday ( within out budget), he enjoys family trips out, but that comes from them - you've allowed this behaviour to become ingrained in your relationship ( not your fault at all) even dropping the ring you want and still nothing.

He's not going to marry you. He has what he needs from you. You look after his kids, you look after him, and he gets to spend his money on him. He's a horrible person.

From what you've written he isn't really into you. Prioritising his neice speaks volumes

I'm sorry you're in such a crappy relationship

Oh God OP. You're in a very vulnerable position and being tired during the stag weekend is the least of your worries.

It's in your interests to marry as soon as possible. If he won't do that in order to safeguard your future...well, other posters have covered that. I'm afraid that you're being extremely naive here.

To update, I just spoke with him about the money side of things -

I opened by saying that I want him to go and have a good time and enjoy himself, and I'll deal with kids and their horrendous sleep as best I can. But that I have an annoyance surrounding his sudden capability for being able to save a large amount of money. I basically said how I feel upset that we never do date nights, properly celebrate birthdays or do anything for anniversaries because he's lead me to believe he's plain awful at saving, and how it feels like nurturing our relationship by doing stuff as a couple is bottom of the priority list - and before I even had a chance to bring up the engagement ring aspect, he huffed puffed, threw his toys out the pram and said that he 'won't go' and has now gone to bed with the raging hump at me.

I've told him that I'm in no way to be blamed for him not going as I explicitly said I'm more than happy for him to have a break away. But. Whatever. It's his choice and frankly I couldn't give two fucks now whether he goes or not! 👋🏼🙂

He’s not doing much to counter MN’s bad impression that we’ve got of him so far, I’m afraid.

and before I even had a chance to bring up the engagement ring aspect

Jesus wept. He's not going to marry you. If he were, he'd already have done so. You enable him because you're so sadly desperate for this whole fantasy that's so pie in the sky whilst meanwhile, you continue to leave yourself incredibly vulnerable financially. Your cognitive dissonance is staggering.

Go back to work and quickly. You need your own income because your partner is showing you quite clearly what his financial priorities are and they are not you or your DC.
He doesn't want to marry you or he would have proposed, harsh but true. He wants to go on the stag weekend so he's saving for it. He doesn't save for things he doesn't want to do.
Get your own money, get your own independence and get some sleep whilst he's doing 50% of the childcare because your relationship has become an equal one.