AIBU - Stag Do - Two Young DC's + Money Priorities

[WinterNightsByCandleLight]

• Hoping this works this time as it's my third attempt at posting this thread, only to keep discovering it doesn't actually post and mysteriously vanishes! -

Right, so, OH is going on a stag do in May from the Friday morning to the Monday evening. We have two young DC's who, by that time, will be 2.5yrs and 1.4yrs

Neither of our DC's sleep well at all and I have little to no hope of that drastically changing within 5 or so months. DC1 has been the world's worst sleeper from the get-go and DC2 has just started teething which of course, lasts for months on end and wreaks havoc on night wakings. I'd say that on an average night, each of them wake up anywhere between 3-6 times and that's not including the times that one wakes the other up (they share a room) and scream the place down in unison.

I'm not thrilled about having to do four days and three nights completely on my own while our DC's are still so young. A standard Mon-Fri week at home with them is difficult and draining enough, without missing out on the help at the weekend and having to somehow manage both DC's night wakings alone.
I told OH about my concerns, but he assured me that "I'll be okay!" - useful and constructive..

My second annoyance is coming from the financial side -

This trip will cost OH somewhere in the region of £500-£600 (transport, accommodation, food, activities etc), yet up until now OH has always bleated on about how rubbish he is at saving money. It's why we never do anything nice for our birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, no random 'date night' restaurant outings, we've had one trip away in the four years we've been together and that was two nights stay somewhere in England not overly far from where we live. We've never taken the kids on holiday or for a short break... you catch my drift!

When I questioned OH exactly how he's planning on saving over half a grand in what's in essence, not a huge amount of time, he told me "he's got it figured out, he'll manage, he'll be able to do it". So that leaves me thinking, hang on a minute, if he's capable of saving a relatively large lump sum, why don't we do nice things? Why don't we go out for birthday dinners, special occasions or take the kids to Butlins?!
My final kick in the teeth surrounding the cost of this trip, comes from the fact I've been wanting OH and I to get engaged for some time now (I know, I know, I could propose, but I'd like for him to be the one to get down on one knee!) yet I've always been told that he can't afford the ring that I picked out and fell in love with way back when we first started dating. We've spoken about marriage a lot and are both equally adamant that it's definitely in our future, so I've shown him - many a time - rings that are far, far cheaper than the first one I saw, in fact, they cost less than he'll be blowing on this stag do! But it seems that saving up for this trip is evidently more of a priority than the likes of an engagement ring, or a family break away, or doing nice things for the special occasions..

AIBU to be a bit begrudged by any of this?
I'm expecting Aunt Flo any day now so I know I'm being more cranky and sensitive than usual, but it's still niggling away at me!

Thank you if you've read this far, I hadn't intended to waffle so much

Priorities. Me and Dp book trips together and save for months so we can enjoy
It. If he's going away for a friends birthday or stag that's low on the priority list, for example saving up €500 for our trip away but keeping the leftovers for the stag.

He needs to get his straight! You need to question why he doesn't like doing fun things with his family

What MsPavlichenko said. This is who he is now. You're flogging a dead horse. He's satisfied with who he is and will always believe you are the one at fault. Always. There's no therapy to cure a person who's a manipulative, gaslighting, sulking twat who doesn't want to change and participating in this dynamic will not change. He has checked out.

I can see how he feels guilt tripped though - I am in no way excusing his behaviour, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable money side of things - in fact, had the same argument with my DH when our DD was a baby. I told him if he wanted to go on the second stag doo abroad in that year (DD was a terrible sleeper also, up every 1.5 hours but this wasn’t really my issue) both 5 nights, then instead of crying poverty when I ask him to book a family holiday, he needs to book a family holiday before paying for another lads trip! He did book us a family holiday and then he couldn’t afford the stag doo - but I was adamant that we were going to come first so this was not a concern of mine and he wasn’t actually that bothered.

Going back to my original point, by saying we can’t afford to do xyz but you can afford a stag doo, is basically telling him you’re not happy he’s going and you don’t want him to spend that money on a stag doo - I would read it that way, because I have said the same thing and meant the same thing - only difference is, my DH didn’t sulk, he pulled his family pants on and did what was best for us. I’m not sticking up for him at all, as I do think he needs to get his priorities straight.

And the no date rule would be a LTB moment for me. That means you are just co-parenting and he doesn’t see you as anything else - if he doesn’t even want to go on a date with you why do you believe him when he says he wants to get married?!

Stay angry.

What does he see your relationship being if there will be no date nights or time alone??

Leave the stag do discussion. If he wants to sulk and not go that's fine. He probably wouldn't have saved the money anyway. If he throws it back in your face in the future just remind him that he is incapable of saving money and probably used you as an excuse.

Wait, you've been kipping on the settee for three nights because he's sulking? FUCK THAT.

And 'no date nights because you've been a bad girl'. What a fucking arsehole!

So, this isn't new? You said you were going through a bad patch two years ago, when you last had a date.
Then on the date ended in screaming and shouting.

You also said he needs therapy as he responds inappropriately to things, such as these past few days.

He's reused you ever to have a date again as the last one ended badly, and because he says so, that's it (although who would want a date with this ass?).

I'm sorry to say, I think your clamouring to a movie wedding and not even seeing the person who you would be married to. You want it done 'right' without realising who this man is.

If you wanted a marriage and really loved each other, the stuff shouldn't even matter, especially if you can't afford it.

You're in a very unstable position with an ass of a man who you'll forever be connected to now as you've bought two lives into the world together.

Wait it out. Otherwise he will know that sulking is a way to make you submit and obey your master.

Sorry, should have RTFT. Leave this prick. There is no magic button to make him care about you or treat you with consideration, it's not about finding the right words to 'make him understand'. He understands just fine that you are not happy but he doesn't care. Because you are not a person, you are a 'woman' that he currently owns and therefore your purpose is to provide domestic service and look after the children.

He wound up showing me some lavish hotel that he'd picked out and planned to propose to me at in October this year, but he followed it up by saying that he 'didn't have the money'. No. Fucking. Shit.

Ugghhhhhh.

I'm still so livid. I can't believe that once again, another situation has been spun around and YET AGAIN, I'm left feeling like the fucking bad guy.

I'm having a beer and attempting to laugh at Live at the Apollo now whilst he's in the lounge (finally I have the bed after two days without it). Just gonna put this train wreck to the back of my mind for the time being. There's nothing I can do about it right now.

Though PS, just to add - he accused me of not doing nice stuff for him, so I saw red, flipped and blurted out that my own parents have minimal Christmas gifts this year so that I could save up the money to buy him a ticket to go and see his favourite band play in London in February. I threw the ticket confirmation at him and some cute little cryptic message I'd come up with (you know the ones made up of pictures and you need to decipher what it all means?) and have left him alone now.

Absolutely seething.

I can outlast my husband in the sulking and not speaking game if I have to. If I’m in the wrong I apologise, if he’s in the wrong he sulks and then will apologise after a few days. No skin off my nose...I’ve no issue with not speaking...just grab myself a ginger beer and a big bag of poppadom crisps and I’m good :)

Showing you the wedding proposal is twisted. What a horrible child he’s being. He knows that’s all you want and is punishing you with it because he thinks you have spoilt his trip. He sounds about twelve to be honest.

Showing you the wedding proposal is twisted. What a horrible child he’s being. He knows that’s all you want and is punishing you with it because he thinks you have spoilt his trip. He sounds about twelve to be honest.

He's also doing it, yet again, to shut her up.

He says, look this is what I want too, don't complain, look where we could have gone (even though they can't even go on date nights!) and look what could happen. If you shut up and don't argue it could be yours.

And it's all lies again. If he wanted that it could have happened. But now he's saving for a stag and not a wedding or this proposal holiday, that clearly cannot be afforded.

It's another carrot, but it never does come, does it? If he wanted to propose, he wouldn't wait so long. If he wanted to propose in October, how come there's no engagement?

He is showing you who he is. Is this the person you want for you ? Is this the relationship you want your DC to think is acceptable?

Think carefully.

Showing me the hotel was fucking cruel. What was he hoping to achieve by doing that!? That I'd be like 'oh okay that's nice, thanks babe. Maybe one day we'll go there and get engaged how lovely you are, so sweet'

So nice to know I should've been proposed to last month. Fabulous.

You are focusing on the wrong thing here. He was not going to propose because he was never going to have the money.

Why would you want a proposal from a selfish, manipulative, abusive arsehole? That's the opinion of most folk on this thread. He is throwing you this to distract you from the real problem. His behaviour. As I said earlier. Think

He wasn't going to take you to that hotel and he wasn't going to propose. I would bet good money on it. You know that gas lighting you just said he was down for therapy about? There it is in all it's shining glory. You know this.

He probably hadn't even seen the hotel before he picked it out the last few days to punish you. You have been a bad woman and pissed on his chips.

Deep down he knows he is being a selfish cunt. He doesn't like that so he has to make you feel bad for pointing out exactly what he is.

Even if it is true. He couldn't be bothered to save for that because it was unimportant to him where as the stag do is all about him and is very important to him.

This completely and utterly emphasises what you have been trying to tell him.

He is abusive. Gaslights and stonewalls you. I am sorry, you are in an abusive relationship.

Please use this as a wake up call to get out, not get more in his control.

I dint think you’re getting it at all OP I don’t think he’s as bad as some folk have painted him but he certainly doesn’t cherish you or treat you like a princess and you almost sound ok with that.

maybe he feels he’s got you trapped two kids under five and got you where he wants you stuck at home and he has all the fun. Just dangles the marriage prospect at you now and again to keep you in line.

So he showed you a photo of a lavish hotel that he couldn't book because he had no money YET he was going to save money quite quickly to go away with his mates..? I think that says it all and sums up his priorities / desires.

Urgh! He’s dangling it in front of you like a carrot on a stick. Makes me feel a bit sick. I got engaged to a guy who was exactly like this. Would dangle and dangle and drag out then when I kicked off he was always ‘just about to do it but now I’d ruined it!’ 🤔

It was only when I was ready to sod off that he actually did it! And honestly...I spent 2-3 months delluding myself and engaging in the most painful and annoying planning!

He took away every bit of fun and enjoyment from the wedding process, everything was a inconvenience or too expensive/ not his ‘image’!

He was an arse hole!

• my current fiancé is wonderful and I’d never have found him if I’d stayed with gas lighting ex!

Move on xx

Oh FFS. Actually, I think this prick knows perfectly well that he hasn't got the money and will be unable to get the money to go on the stag trip, but it's more fun and worthwhile for him to blame you for him not going. It might even have been his aim all the time to provoke you into a row about it so that, rather than saying to his mates 'I'm shit with money and therefore can't afford it' he can be all 'Naaah, got to keep the little woman happy. I know she's a funsponge and all that but I'm going to Be The Better Man and do what she wants this time...'

I know that if he made minor changes, he'd go back to being the person he was in the first few years, and I know he's capable of finding that person again

But he doesn’t want to make changes. He doesn’t want to be that person he was in the beginning. Why would he?? He’s got it all pretty cushty - everything works in his favour and he knows you won’t leave, why would he resume effort?

It doesn’t matter who he was in the beginning, what matters is who he is now! And that’s a person who doesn’t think you’re worth any effort. A person who, as soon as you have his kids, feels as if there’s no need to continue the romance

You could be the poorest person in the world but it doesn’t stop you showing the person you’re with how much you love them. He doesn’t do this. Not because he can’t, simply because he doesn’t want to.

now he's insistent that date days/evenings won't happen anymore

He’s outright telling you he won’t be making any effort. Listen to what he’s telling you!

Now fuck off and leave me alone

My DP has never sworn at me in all the years I’ve known him. He has respect for me, this man has none for you

So. Fucking. Sick. Of. This. Shit

Then leave. It won’t get better, he’s told you this himself

Oh and as for his plans to propose - nah, sorry it’s probably a load of crap.

Just leave him op. If you continue to stay and actually think that things will get better and you’ll end up marrying, then more fool you.

I don’t believe the hotel and proposal story for a minute. He doesn’t even want to go out with you for an evening.

I think the whole bucks weekend is just another thing he wants to do, but won’t be able to as he can’t save any money at all.