AIBU - Stag Do - Two Young DC's + Money Priorities

[WinterNightsByCandleLight]

• Hoping this works this time as it's my third attempt at posting this thread, only to keep discovering it doesn't actually post and mysteriously vanishes! -

Right, so, OH is going on a stag do in May from the Friday morning to the Monday evening. We have two young DC's who, by that time, will be 2.5yrs and 1.4yrs

Neither of our DC's sleep well at all and I have little to no hope of that drastically changing within 5 or so months. DC1 has been the world's worst sleeper from the get-go and DC2 has just started teething which of course, lasts for months on end and wreaks havoc on night wakings. I'd say that on an average night, each of them wake up anywhere between 3-6 times and that's not including the times that one wakes the other up (they share a room) and scream the place down in unison.

I'm not thrilled about having to do four days and three nights completely on my own while our DC's are still so young. A standard Mon-Fri week at home with them is difficult and draining enough, without missing out on the help at the weekend and having to somehow manage both DC's night wakings alone.
I told OH about my concerns, but he assured me that "I'll be okay!" - useful and constructive..

My second annoyance is coming from the financial side -

This trip will cost OH somewhere in the region of £500-£600 (transport, accommodation, food, activities etc), yet up until now OH has always bleated on about how rubbish he is at saving money. It's why we never do anything nice for our birthdays, anniversaries, valentines, no random 'date night' restaurant outings, we've had one trip away in the four years we've been together and that was two nights stay somewhere in England not overly far from where we live. We've never taken the kids on holiday or for a short break... you catch my drift!

When I questioned OH exactly how he's planning on saving over half a grand in what's in essence, not a huge amount of time, he told me "he's got it figured out, he'll manage, he'll be able to do it". So that leaves me thinking, hang on a minute, if he's capable of saving a relatively large lump sum, why don't we do nice things? Why don't we go out for birthday dinners, special occasions or take the kids to Butlins?!
My final kick in the teeth surrounding the cost of this trip, comes from the fact I've been wanting OH and I to get engaged for some time now (I know, I know, I could propose, but I'd like for him to be the one to get down on one knee!) yet I've always been told that he can't afford the ring that I picked out and fell in love with way back when we first started dating. We've spoken about marriage a lot and are both equally adamant that it's definitely in our future, so I've shown him - many a time - rings that are far, far cheaper than the first one I saw, in fact, they cost less than he'll be blowing on this stag do! But it seems that saving up for this trip is evidently more of a priority than the likes of an engagement ring, or a family break away, or doing nice things for the special occasions..

AIBU to be a bit begrudged by any of this?
I'm expecting Aunt Flo any day now so I know I'm being more cranky and sensitive than usual, but it's still niggling away at me!

Thank you if you've read this far, I hadn't intended to waffle so much

Also telling someone you are going to propose makes no sense. Doesn’t that mean he has proposed? Telling the person in question you are going to ask them something in a year is very weird. The whole thing sounds dead in the water sorry op xx

The hotel story is bullshit. He can't be bothered to take you out for a quick drink so I don't believe for a moment that he had some extravagant hotel proposal in mind.

I don't think he's going to change.

I might show my DP a picture of the 500k house we are going to buy
I agree with others that it's bordering on cruel. He is living in lala-land

Well I've decided not to go to his nieces party today. He's just left with DC's. Nothing has been said this morning apart from him asking me where the cello tape is 🙄 and if I could put shoes on DC2.

I still can't believe how badly this has escalated. It's getting ridiculous now.

I don't even know where to go from here. I expected to wake up this morning and not be half as pissed over seeing the place I should've got engaged at - but the truth is, I'm still fuming. What a fucking wicked game to play

That hotel story was total BS, Winter. It is not 'the place where you should have got engaged'. He never had any fucking intention of this whole proposal or wedding. You really need to see past this fantasy of yours because it's causing you to waste your life with a person who has zero respect for you, so little he won't even go for a drink with you, do you really think he was going to propose? Get real. He's only escalating all this because you're not towing his line anymore.

Was he supposed to propose LAST October or next October?

Because if it’s supposed to be last October, and he didn’t because he couldn’t afford it, but can afford a stag weekend instead, then he has just proven to you that his priority is not the family.

‘I was going to propose but I couldn’t afford it. Luckily, I can afford a stag weekend. I will get my gf to stop complaining about the stag weekend by telling her I was going to though. That will make her shut up and be grateful.’

I think the hotel story is nonsense too. You don't need to go to a fancy hotel to get engaged. He could propose anywhere and he doesn't even need a ring (I know plenty of couples who didn't bother with engagement rings at all and instead saved up for the wedding rings). He's just trying to keep you hanging on and make you put up with his shit in the hopes you will be "rewarded" with a proposal.

I'm so sorry OP, it sounds like a shit situation. I think either you need to let go of the idea that you will ever marry this man or consider leaving him.

Oh, and even if you were 'engaged', you'd be engaged forever because you 'can't afford to get married' (which is utter bollocks. To be legally married doesn't cost much at all and rings are not a legal requirement). He's kept you dangling wit this for years and now it's not working in his favour he throws his toys out the pram. Cannot believe you were kipping on the settee in the lounge because he was sulking!

I expected to wake up this morning and not be half as pissed over seeing the place I should've got engaged at

It's not the place you should have been engaged in.

It's another line he's fed you.

When was he saving for this holiday in the past October? What other plans did he have? Why not just ask you at home.

Do you really believe he was going to take you on holiday when he just told you you're not even allowed on a day or night out any more?

I agree you need to move past this fantasy you have about the perfect wedding and ring and proposal. You're putting yourself in a more and more vulnerable position and you've been willing to put up with untold amounts of crap in the hope of getting the promise of a fairy tale wedding somewhere down the road.
Surely you'd rather have a better life, a life where you can go out with your partner once in a while, especially on birthday's or anniversary. A white wedding isn't worth the quality of life you have in this relationship, surely?

OP
Where do you think your relationship and family life is right now? Because it sound like a mess. Neither you or he have any understanding of your finances and neither of you have any idea where you are heading as a couple.

But you are arguing over a 4 day stag do and a luxury hotel, that you can't afford. Your arguments are fantasy. I am sorry but this is all too delusional. I could reiterate the faults other PPs have identified in your OH but at this stage you need to wake up and start taking some responsibility.

Sort out your family finances today and find out what you can and cannot afford to save. Then take a good long hard look at your relationship and whether you want to be with him at all.

There is no point talking or fantasising about stag do's, weddings and hotels if you don't both know what your finances are. That's your responsibility too, especially as your mother is a guarantor for the home. You can take charge of this instead of being passive and complaining about him.

I hope you wake up to reality soon. You were never going to get engaged at this place. Even if, by some remote chance, he thought it might be the place to get engaged and then couldn’t afford it, he could have proposed at the kitchen table! Have some self respect, pleading with him to ask you to marry him. Most people don’t have whole proposal thing, it’s just a natural progression. You’re living in fantasy land, even if we suddenly decides to propose it will only be to keep the peace -why settle for that ?

I bet he will come back and say his whole family think you are being unreasonable.

Watch out for that one.

You need to rethink your mind set.

As others have said you were never getting engaged there. There is no should have.

It is BS. See it for what it is. He wasn't taking you there and he wasn't going to propose.

The hotel story is a lie.

It's like he was trying to win your favour by suggesting something he could have did but didn't bother. Yet he can save for a stag do.

His showing you the fancy hotel and claims of “was going to propose then” is him mocking your fixation on over-the-top, swoon-worthy, romantic gestures. That was entertainment for him, yes, laughing at you.

It was quite rediculous if you stop to think about it. You (both) have no money for this or that, no holidays, no designer gifts, no resort hotels, a quick bite/pint at the end of your road...or stag/hen dos. So why would it make any sense at all that he had planned a fancy hotel visit (for what?- a long weekend or just brunch in its restaurant?)?
Utter nonsense- he was making fun of you.

The Disney template of “Your Prince Will Come” is fake; a fantasy. It isn’t real and it isn’t going to happen. Sue Disney. Then you would have a better chance at some dosh for Italian shoes and matching accessories.

Imho, you are at a make or break point in the relationship. You need to know everything about all of his finances...printed, in writing proof. No, his word isn’t good enough right now: trust but verify.

Otherwise, the pps are right. He hasn’t proposed because he doesn’t want to marry you. Sorry, you are the good enough for now girl...kids or not.

It was quite rediculous if you stop to think about it. You (both) have no money for this or that, no holidays, no designer gifts, no resort hotels, a quick bite/pint at the end of your road...or stag/hen dos. So why would it make any sense at all that he had planned a fancy hotel visit (for what?- a long weekend or just brunch in its restaurant?)?
Utter nonsense- he was making fun of you.

Quite.

If he cannot afford a 4 year old's birthday gift (what can be just £10) and something to eat for an anniversary in the same weekend, how on earth could he ever be planning on such a fancy place as a holiday resort?

It's all a huge fallacy.

Why don't you show him a picture of a horse...the dead cert racehorse you were going to put money on to get him his £500...

Do you realize he's abusive, OP? It's just that you've completely ignored those telling you this.

He keeps a financial diary?

I'd demand to see it next to all his accounts.

This man will lie to you, to your face, about anything.

He suddenly has the money for this little jolly because he's been keeping money from you for a long time.

The 'man you fell in love with' doesn't exist. That man was a mask worn by the selfish, lazy, woman-hating prick you live with. You wanted a life partner who would love and respect you, who you could build a family with. He wants someone to provide domestic service and a kid or two (who he doesn't consider human or important, either). Dangling a 'proposal' over your head is a classic sexist abuser tactic that is used either to push you into upping your levels of subservience and charm, or to punish you whenever he feels you're in need of a reminder that he is the boss and you are a servant.
He has no intention of marrying you. He might already have your replacement lined up, TBH - men like him are quite happy to dump the woman and the children when they fancy a change, and the next woman will be younger, and the one after her even younger...

I haven't read every page. However, because you are not married. I would suggest going to work full time and you pay the child care half each. You are in a vulnerable position.

His actions tell us that he values time with his friends, where he will be spending money on the long stag. However, in return, he cannot make the time or effort to take you out for a meal, or a night in a hotel, or get engaged (the ring does not need to be expensive) or a family holiday. Secondly, if you are not married, you probably don't have access to see if he is saving for a pension, shares at work or other savings at work. He could have numerous bank accounts. You really need to protect yourself now and for the future. He doesn't have your best interests or your back !

@WinterNightsByCandleLight you are being very strong not conforming to what he wants! I know it would "seem" easier to just give in and apologize and say it's all your fault blah blah , but trust me, it's better to stand up for yourself now rather than keep the peace. It would only get worse over time. You might as well find out what he's really like now. See how far he will take this. And then decide if the relationship is salvageable. You deserve someone who loves you, and who respects you. Relationships aren't normally this hard. Most people aren't complete a-holes.

Most mature men don't like fighting with their partners. Think about it like that! Most normal people are so distressed at the thought of a huge argument that is drawing out over several days. What he's doing isn't normal !!!

All the best, keep being brave and strong

Oh and @WinterNightsByCandleLight the showing you where and when he was going to propose is a classic tactic of gas lighters!! There's always a reason they "didn't go through with it". Normally it's "but then we had a big fight over insert excuse to make you feel bad for standing up for yourself that time."

Don't fall for it !!!! He was never planning to propose in the first place! He may have already known the hotel was a "nice" hotel. So he has it in his reservoir to throw in your face whenever he wants.

Basically, if a man wants to propose to a woman, he just bloody well does it. A proposal doesn't involve months of deep concentration and focus, and over analysis of every tiny thing.