STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

[Thornbirdsong]

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

You could always console yourself with 'he was a weak, devious liar and I'm so glad to be out'.

It's tough, OP, but I think you can only truly start to feel better once practical matters are resolved, but you'll get there. You will.

Thank so much for the response. It’s eating me up constantly. The constant “visions” in my head of them together kills me.

Which practical matters do you mean?

I was like this. Split in an April, was still a blubbering mess at Christmas.
New year, I wrote a letter to myself. It had how I was feeling, where I wanted to be emotionally in a year and other small life goals. Sealed it up, not to be opened until next new year.
It was an absolute revelation when I opened it. I didn't recognise myself as being in the pit of despair that I most obviously was.
Things had moved on. I think it was about 18 months post affair revelation that was the turning point. Once I had turned, things got better and better.
Hang on in there, it will get better.

Which practical matters do you mean?

I meant the divorce, the financial arrangements, the custody arrangements, property, pensions, all that stuff.

Thank you both. Pippi it’s fairly straightforward- I’ve just put the financial arrangement in for the court. Any idea how long that takes? I have my Nisi. We are not doing anything official re the kids. He doesn’t seem to care all that much to be honest. I don’t even know him anymore.

Twoheaped I feel like I’ll never get better. It’s all so overwhelming and painful and dealing with my kids pain too is horrific. Glad to hear you have come out the other side. Do you have children?

I just can’t believe he’s prioritising this person, 13 years younger than him, over the welfare of his children and the amazing family life we had. It makes no sense.

Sorry, but it wasn't amazing for him, was it! I think what twoheaped said is a brilliant idea. I keep a diary/log of my feelings and it's amazing to look back on and reflect how you are improving.
It doesn't sound like you have accepted him leaving and are caught up with bitterness over what you perceive to be the 'other woman's' gain. Don't waste time thinking about them. For the sake of your children, get yourself together and be the better person. Your children need you to be positive. You haven't explained how your STBX has neglected his children and how they have come to be so emotionally affected. It really doesn't have to be this way. This is not a case of 'well, it takes two'. Be strong for them. You are the adult. You are your children's whole world, make it better for them. .

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever.

I don't understand why you are asking him/he is telling yo about his relationship with OW. You have separated and are getting divorced, so what he does now with his romantic life is none of your concern.

For your own preservation you need to stop engaging with him about anything other than arrangements for seeing DC.

You are obviously hurting badly. {flowers] Have you had any counselling? He's a cheat and a liar. He really isn't all that OP.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear how you're hurting. It's senseless and terrible to think of what he has discarded. I have so much sympathy for you.

Please can I suggest that you start to write down how you're feeling. Whenever the feelings get bad and overwhelm you, sit down and write them out until the feeling isn't as strong anymore. It really helps.

Use one book as your place to go to write. Over time it will become a journal of sorts. A year from now, you'll look back at your first entry and as a pp has described, it will be a revelation to see how far you have come.

You've been devastated by this but you WILL mend. You haven't been torn out by your roots - you have had your leaves and flowers ripped off, and you feel that deep and awful struggle. But there's life pulsing in you, and in time if you care for yourself, you will grow back stronger than you imagined possible. Your children are with you. It will get better.

Sending you love and hope x

It wasnt perfect at all but you just didn't know. He's a shit dad and an awful partner. A liar. A cheat. Cut him off. Counselling may help.

So you thought it was fantastic but obviously he didn't. Remember his lies and deception. You deserve better, try to stop caring about what and who he's doing.

Maybe start dating and meet good guys, I found once I stopped caring about ex then life got so much better.

He still says our marriage was wonderful and he doesn’t know why he did it. He’s been stringing me along ever since, saying maybe he’s had a breakdown or something.

Thank you so much for the kind words and suggestions. I’ll defo do the journal stuff.

Oiiiiii - I guess you’ve been through similar then. I really like the flower analogy.

I response to counselling. I have been on the waiting list since December last year.

I am in the same situation as you, found out about his affair 6 months ago. 3 bloody years they were doing it for. Now I know and have kicked him out they've seperated. It's actually laughable, I assume the excitement has gone and she didn't want him full time.
I've had days of tears, wondering why when we were happy. News flash!!! It was all a lie. He's a piece of crap that lied for years.

I'd rather have my awful days and be happy I'm not being lied to daily than "be happy" with a pathological liar who thought nothing of cheating on his wife and girls for years.
It will get better. Think of the hurt he's caused, not the great guy you remember.

If he was so great, he'd never have cheated.
Good luck

That's a long waiting list. Are you waiting for NHS counselling?

You're better off going private.

Sisterlove unfortunately I can’t afford private counsellors.

Lost I’m so sorry you’re going through the same. I just don’t understand any of this - and how this could bring themsmelves to do this and break up their childrens’ family. I would be so happy to hear if my ex spilt up with her. I know this is awful but I genuinely don’t think he deserves to ever be happy again. It just all hurts so much.

I'm so sorry - can only imagine the pain you are going through. But please remember this won't be forever. I promise you will be happy again and actually be relieved and thank the stars that this deceitful piece of crap is out of your life. He isn't all that - if he were, he wouldn't have done this to you and your family, would he? It's good to be angry - you're going through the grieving process. If you're not having therapy, there are many great self help books out there. Check them out on Amazon. And keep posting here - many have gone through the same and will be able to support

Hi OP. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this - I know what it’s like. My husband left me at Christmas 2016 for a woman at his work and I was devastated. We’re now divorced and he lives with her. Can I tell you this? Tonight I picked my son up from their house and me and OW (although I don’t see her as that anymore) were chatting away in the kitchen. You might think that sounds mad but here’s what you have to do: accept he’s not yours anymore. He is just your children’s father. Stop now thinking about what they’re doing/how they’re doing it as it will drive you mad and you don’t know for sure what they’re doing anyway. You can’t control any of that so don’t waste your energy. Start focusing on you, one day at a time. It’s not always easy but once you rid yourself of this anger towards him/them you will start to feel better. I was lucky enough to get 6 free sessions of counselling through work and this is basically what the counsellor said to me - focus on what you do have 100% control over: YOU! Sending you a big hug x

Thank you toffee and polly. Your kind words really are helping. I think my friends are bored of listening and think I should be well over it all by now. I don’t think anyone truly understands the physical pain this causes.

I can’t belive you were talking to her. That’s just unimaginable for me. If I ever saw her I really worry about the anger spilling over. How can anyone do this to little children.

You can get 12 weeks CBT on the NHS without a huge wait. Sounds like you're on the waiting list for psychotherapy.

I would have said the same thing as you this time last year. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all fairly polite chit chat, we’re never going to be best buddies but I learned that in order for me to feel better, I had to let go of the anger. It was eating me up and dominating my life. Ultimately, I’m doing it for my little boy. It’s my ex who’s the wanker but I’m free of all his shit now and she’ll have to deal with it! 😂

And wash his pants and work overalls! 🙄

Its definitely a waiting list for just counselling. Initially they lost my referral form and despite there being a computer record of the dr referring me I had to go back to the bottom of the list. Go figure.

I would dearly love to know how to get rid of the anger. I don't want it taking over my thoughts and life but I don't know how to achieve this.

I was coping much better when I thought the relationship with the OW was over- and now I know its not all the pain has hit me again.

Sometimes op I think things can be good and some people cross boundaries with another person bit by bit at work or wherever. Not making excuses but maybe it was good, some people get so flattered by another person giving them attention and don't have good boundaries in place. Maybe I'm wrong with that, I'm still learning as I've just been through it a few months ago.

The pain is horrible, I know a bit of what you are feeling as my ex left for someone very young and I thought everything was really good. It's such a shock isn't it. If you want to pm me feel free. x