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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STILL broken - 1 year after his affair

172 replies

Thornbirdsong · 26/11/2018 13:59

Help. I thought I’d be better by now. Discovered his affair this time last year. It was a huge gigantic shock. I thought our marriage was fine. He’s not a great communicator but me and eveyone I know thought he would be the last person on earth to do this. I made him leave immediately and divorce proceedings have begun.

Over the last year he has lied repeatedly about his continual involvement with OW. Turns out they are still “friends”. Or whatever. My children are broken. I am broken. I thought I’d be better by now. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

I cannot even console myself with “he was terrible, or abusive, or mean etc so I’m glad to be out” because other than the obvious he was wonderful.

When will I stop being so upset, angry and feel better? I am in so much pain still. I didn’t want any of this.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2018 11:25

Yes, same here. He even told me in the two weeks prior to me finding out that he didn't know if he loved me anymore but he "didn't want to lose his best friend". Being his wife and his best friend were mutually exclusive...they came as a package.

Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 12:11

I got that friend comment as well, I thought er excuse me, you have a new friend now apparently. The teenage girl you dropped me like a stone for. Confused since you have soo much in common.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2018 12:31

@Sausage101 My thoughts entirely. If you're "not in a good place", talk to your girlfriend. Or maybe she's why you're not in a good place...
My ex husband is 41 now, she is 28 with no children. He has two pre-teen children, with ALL the hormones, high bp, a head of grey hair and has had the snip. None of which are particularly strange for a man of his age and lifestyle but I do wonder if the novelty may wear off for her at some point. Not my problem though.

Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 12:45

@sunshineandflipflops yeah my ex tried to keep chatting to me about books he found etc. I thought okay so as you were leaving you said you couldn't talk to me and she 'got you' and now you want to talk Hmm

Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 12:46

Novelty does probably wear off, then the hard work of looking at themselves should be done and how happiness has to be more lasting than the teenage love with a new person, but they probably won't.

Original poster
Thornbirdsong · 07/12/2018 14:11

@Sunshineandflipflops - my husband and the OW is the same age as your situation. He hasn't had the snip though so I am absolutely petrified he will get her pregnant. I feel totally sick at the thought of it.

I myself have half siblings and it made me feel like an unwanted reject as they got to live with and "keep my dad". It affected my self esteem so badly and I'm terrified for my kids.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 07/12/2018 14:22

You're not stupid, just unfamiliar with the script that cheats follow.

I have to say that I was too pissed off to want to hear anything from or about him. At one point my ex asked if we should meet once a month to talk about stuff. I'd been trying to get him to do that (as a date night) for years prior to his affair and he was always too busy Hmm so I just said "That's not how it works; when you get divorced you see less and less of each other until finally we won't have to see each other at all". We just met when sorting the kids' stuff out etc.

You say you're angry, but is there part of you that still wants him back?

Pinkmonkeybird · 07/12/2018 14:30

@sunshineandflipflops another one here with an ex and OW the same age as yours! It seems to be a common occurrence, doesn't it? I think the novelty will wear off for the younger OW in my ex's case. I'd hope so at least, just for karmic revenge. Ideally I think it would be brilliant if she dumped him for a man of her own age! But yes, he is her problem now!

Mumfun · 07/12/2018 14:45

I'm 9 years down the line from similar. The OW did dump my ex in the end and I think he is on his own now. He has had a lot of issues and must know now that his unhappiness was inside him and not to do with me.

My advice is is to get support outside the family: join a divorce support group or an online group on one of the infidelity sites. It really helps to be with people who understand and wont get sick of it as they are going through it too.

It is baby steps and sometimes you will go back before you go forward again.

I know how shockingly painful it is - I totally get that you wanted to die. I felt like that one day.

But the best revenge is to build up your own life and have a great life which you can have.

Im glad it happened when it did now and not when I was 60 when it would have been harder. You do have a chance to start again. Life will gradually get better from now on!

ravenmum · 07/12/2018 14:46

My ex's OW was ten years younger. When they met, she was married to the previous man whose marriage she'd broken up, who was twelve years older than her. After a few years she cheated on my ex, too. Don't know how old the latest one is, but she seems to like men aged 45 so maybe they are getting closer to her age.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2018 14:52

Well, if you're going to have a mid-life crisis, 40 seems to be the age to do it!
I hope the OW finds someone closer to her own age too and then ex is left to realise that most women his own age are going to have ex husbands and children of their own to add into the mix! Welcome to the real world!

Original poster
Thornbirdsong · 07/12/2018 16:33

@ravenmum - I understand that I come across like that but I’m pretty sure I don’t want him back. But I do want him to be as miserable as possible, massively sorry, regretful and lonely forever.

To say I would love it if she dumped him would be an understatement. And then I wish her misery for the rest of her life. I don’t get how any person can destroy a marriage and a family and live with themselves.

OP posts:
Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 16:41

They probably justify it with some cheesy crap like 'they are soulmates' bleugh.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/12/2018 16:47

I don’t think you really understand the impact unless/until you have a family of your own to be honest.

Orange6904 · 07/12/2018 16:59

Some people still do it even with family, I think some people are just able to justify it to themselves to keep going. I think some people just don't think of the consequences as well. I think my ex had convinced himself so much with his own lies that he was honestly shocked at how devastated I was.

Who knows, we may never understand because we don't think the same.

lovetherisingsun · 07/12/2018 17:08

I’m so stupid

NO, you are NOT. DOn;t you dare call yourself that.

The pain when they do this is sometimes so absolutely horrific it still gives you flashbacks years and years down the line, let alone so close to when it happened. Even if you did take him back, you would never be able to fully trust him, ever again. He has shattered everything you knew and felt about him.

I don’t get how any person can destroy a marriage and a family and live with themselves

Because some people are just very, very lonely, very deluded, and believe whatever lies they are told if it means they get to feel "loved" (though as they have never experienced real love they have no idea that what they "feel" is all an utter sham). They are very sad individuals who will never feel truly happy, stable, or loved, in a relationship built on sneaking and lies and dishonesty.

Original poster
Thornbirdsong · 07/12/2018 23:42

Thank you all for keeping talking. Every reply. Every word helps. And those who get it, GET IT. This is the worst rollercoaster ever. With no ups. Just mediocrity. And days where you feel glad to be alive. But not much else. .

OP posts:
Mumfun · 08/12/2018 20:08

So horribly painful. I had not realised your parents had died recently too. That is so hard. It is loss upon loss upon loss. So hard to deal with. So do not think you are pathetic. You are going through hell. But please keep on going.

I hope you can get some counselling. Be warned it can bring up more pain too but it will hopefully help you work through it all.

I would recommend no online dating until you have come to terms with it all more. Online dating involves rejection and can be psychologically hard so you need to be in a better place to do it.

Try and a small kind thing for yourself every day like pick some flowers , have a nice bath. Just try and bring more positivity into your life bit by bit and it will start to help gradually.

Missillusioned · 08/12/2018 20:28

My ex left for OW 3 years ago. We are not amicable by any means. Nor do we have to be. I don't speak to him. Ever. All communication is done by text / email. I no longer know or care what he does and never seeing or speaking to him has helped make this possible

Original poster
Thornbirdsong · 08/12/2018 21:07

Thank you ladies. Yeh I lost my mum the same week I found out, and my dad a few months before.

Thank you for your advice @mumfun - what sort of pain should I prepare myself for? Can it get any worse?

@missillusioned - did you have children too?

OP posts:
Missillusioned · 08/12/2018 21:13

Yes @thornbirdsong I have school aged children. Otherwise I wouldn't communicate with him at all. I pull up outside his house, the children get out and go inside. I don't leave the car. He does the same when he drops off .

I would recommend this no direct contact as a way of managing your feelings. I also had to do similar with my in laws. Any contact kept the wound fresh.

I also lost a parent at the same time he left. I think the shock of it all coming at the same time means you don't process it as quickly as you otherwise would. My emotions shut down for months and I felt nothing. The pain was delayed, but still has to be felt. This may be why you're still hurting so much.

Oblomov18 · 08/12/2018 21:14

I'm sadly not sure what OP expected. Some people get over affairs. Most don't. Because trust can't be re-gained. Some adapt or cope, but no one has ever argued that trust is restored.

Beansandcoffee · 08/12/2018 21:27

I’m five years on from the disclosure of the affair. 20 years between my ExH and the ow he was 46 she 26. They now have a baby. It took me years to stop thinking of him and what they were doing. Best advice I received - to only communicate about the children and keep it professional and factual. I’ve only “met” the ow at my in-laws funeral. I’ve never spoken to her as I have no need. Over the 5 years I’ve lost my father and in-laws ( my mum died a few years before). If I do think of him and what could have been I remind myself that I don’t like his morals and therefore is no friend of mine. When he told me about the ow he also put me and the kids through hell - crying, threatening suicide, asking friends to pick him up from ow flat as he was leaving her and then few days later going back. I will never forgive him as I don’t like him. You have to keep telling yourself that they are not the man that you married.

Your kids will be ok. Secondary school so many come from non traditional families. Don’t slag the father or ow off. I spent the first 12 months putting the kids first 100%. I booked a holiday for the summer, we went on picnics etc. We are now so close. Their father sees them but he has missed out on so much. But again that is his choice.

I also took up a new sport, made lots of new friends in this sport who knew nothing about my previous life.

Mumfun · 08/12/2018 22:50

Counselling can be painful as it can bring up stuff from your past that hurts. For example it is likely that you would discuss the death of your parents because that is a very significant thing in your life.

The idea though is that good counselling is a safe place for you so you can say what you want. I could express my anger at the behaviour of my ex for example.

One thing I learnt through the whole sh+t storm was that your brain has to process everything. And it can take a while.

Be very kind to yourself and stay on this thread for support if it helps

Weenurse · 08/12/2018 23:22

💐 agree with a small treat for yourself each day. A bath bomb or an exotic bit of fruit you would not normally buy.
Only communicate about children and shut down any other conversation. He will soon get the idea that his new life is of no concern of yours.

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